Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can’t and don’t know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person’s feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that’s what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand’s off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry —DON’T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research—don’t have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them.

Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father.

How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet.

Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most harrowing and painful life experiences. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go ahead with this process. You have to in order to preserve your life and that of your children. I am in communication with individuals who are going through this ordeal. They are ready for the battle. In some cases, the narcissist want to make you disappear so he/she pays you off–you are a discard, not even a faint memory in a life you have shared with this person for more than a decade. Count yourself fortunate if this break is made cleanly. The biggest reward is that this person is out of your life. Quite often the opposite happens. The narcissistic moves into Crusade mode and will fight you on every battlement. He is determined to wear you down to nothing, to destroy your spirit and sense of hope, besides taking all of the financial resources–especially those to which you are entitled. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of choosing the sharpest, savviest attorney you can find–some one with high ethical standards and a mastery of family law but in addition, a person who has a clear understanding of how the narcissistic personality operates—the darkness in their character, their sense of vanquishing their victims (and that includes you) completely. Narcissists with the bit in their mouths over a divorce will not quit. They lie, cheat, fabricate, terrorize, cajole, threaten, use emotional blackmail–do everything possible to make sure that you lose and are thrown to the wolves. That is their intention–This doesn’t mean that they will succeed.
Most people are naive about human nature. They cannot believe that narcissists intend to destroy others–not with physical violence (although some of them are known to beat their spouses and not get caught) but with the master plan they put into place to bring you down. The attorney you choose must have an insider’s understanding of the true nature of the narcissist–his treachery, non stop attacks, his conniving, his damnable lies and fabrications that are designed to destroy the other spouse’s reputation–personal and in some cases, professional.

Despite the time you have spent going through the ordeal of living with a narcissist, you will find that after severing the relationship, you have talents, creative gifts, dreams and the drive to continue to evolve as an individual. Start thinking of your professional aspirations and career goals. You may have been held back in your relationship, but now you can do what you’ve always dreamed of doing. Start writing your resume on a website like https://www.arcresumes.com/local/illinois/ without the fear of your spouse preying on your mind. You now have space to breathe and flourish and to spend your time how you want to. You can do some good for the world, rather than being trapped in the world of a narcissist..

You can also expand your personal and creative aspirations, what you enjoy for recreation, the kind of people with whom you will surround yourself, becoming stronger and healthier physically, learning how to calm your nervous system through gentle yoga, meditation (in a form that works for you) creating a circle of support among those who care deeply about you and are loyal and empathic. Your life is opening up for the first time in years. Take time to appreciate being with yourself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, spontaneously. You will discover facets of yourself that you didn’t realize were there. The growth process moves forward throughout our lives. Take hold of it and remain open to all of its opportunities in your life. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Living without a conscience or empathy is so much easier, faster and more lucrative than having the encumbrances of a fine character. Narcissists go at full speed. It doesn’t matter how many people they hurt along the way—This includes their (often many) spouses and children.Narcissists don’t stare at the ceiling late at night thinking about their mistakes. They don’t regret that they have ruined their children psychologically, left ex-spouses in financial and emotional ruin. Narcissists are not like Lot’s wife who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. They move forward at the highest speeds, going through every red light without getting caught.

Is there any justice—Can anyone see how dreadful and malicious these people are, the intractable harm that they perpetrate on others–spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, parents, partners, business associates. Most people are too dazzled by the image that the narcissist presents–the perfect act that they have been honing their entire lives that seamlessly works for them. At this time when being a narcissist pays huge dividends in the external world, it is not surprising that many are entranced and become followers of narcissists (especially those at the top of their game). They yearn to become part of the Inner Circle. They are willing slaves to the narcissist’s allure.

Let the adorers of narcissists go in their own direction. Let go of the narcissists in your life who have “succeeded” by stealth, cruelty, threats and dirty dealing. You have a conscience and deep empathy—You are a solid, real human being. You continue to grow psychologically and creatively. The road ahead is wide open–Take the reins; enjoy every moment of the ride. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most challenging and daunting experiences. In many cases the narcissist takes the bit in his/her mouth and goes for all of the marbles. He/she insists on financial resources and property that are owned in common. The narcissistic spouse suddenly decides that he wants access to his children most of the time. He throws out lies constantly, makes every effort to destroy the personal and professional reputations of his former spouse. With the assistance of an attorney who specializes in family law and who understands the ruthless, controlling behaviors of the narcissistic personality you will be guided through this often arduous process.

For so long, often decades, your life—every aspect of it has been eclipsed by the selfish, duplicitous, controlling, enraged severe personality disorder. When you are free from this constricted way of life, you will begin to recognize that you can make your own decisions, expand and deepen all of your creative gifts, find ways of encouraging your inner peace through a variety of modalities—forms of calming the mind and body–meditation, gentle hatha yoga, joining support groups that focus on healing after divorce.

The mind and body are designed to heal. When we provide ourselves with the right internal and external environments and individuals who are supportive of the process we are going through, we will grow, taking back our identities as unique individuals. Your confidence will return. Your creativity will be re-launched. Your life goals will become a source of hope and great anticipation. You have begun a new cycle of life—a hopeful and encouraging. You have prevailed. Celebrate this new beginning. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In the emotional chaos of a marriage to a narcissist that has soured and become very ugly, it is difficult to think clearly about how to make an exit that will benefit you the most. First, pay close attention to the signals and red flags you have been getting all along that the person you married is a narcissist. He/she is self absorbed, selfish, given to rages, secretive, a chronic liar (who plays the part beautifully) manipulative, exploitive and completely lacks empathy. You have seen these behaviors throughout the years and they are escalating. If you have researched this personality disorder, you have all of the information you need to make your decision. You can stay with this person and talk yourself into believing that he is going to change at some time down the road or be convinced that you can alter him. This is never going to happen because this disorder is fixed. The false self of the narcissist develops very early and the defense mechanisms these individuals use are impervious to change. They believe that they are superior, perfect and over-entitled. They have no motivation to change.

If you decide to break up the relationship, do all of your homework in advance and detail. Interview several attorneys and choose one who has a lot of experience with divorce and has worked with clients who have this personality profile. Your attorney needs to be highly self confident, well trained, intuitive about human nature, have superior communication skills and an excellent legal temperament for times when the narcissist and his attorney come down very hard. This is the time of reckoning when your attorney is being tested and will either win with flying colors or fail to represent you properly. Get all of your financial records in order. Get your support group in place of friends you can completely trust–one is enough. Keep yourself in good physical condition. Do cardiovascular exercise like walking or going to the gym. Do not wear yourself out. Get quality sleep and make sure that you following an eating plans that provides your body with the nutrients it requires. Dial down the fight or flight syndrome with practices like gentle yoga poses, forms of meditation that work for you. Appreciate what you are doing. Don’t share your exit plan with anyone unless you are sure you can trust them completely. I know you can do this. You are beginning a new cycle of your life that is richer, deeper, more meaningful, creative and peaceful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

It is not unusual in this time of epidemic narcissism for men and women to find themselves jumping from one narcissistic individual to the next. Being narcissistic has been normalized in many social circles. Materialism and narcissism are easy companions. Greed, rampant and unabashed, grows exponentially these days. There is never enough “stuff.”

Narcissists have always been a huge draw. Often very good looking, beautiful, athletic, bright, highly confident—they have turned heads all of their lives. They expect nothing less. And their magnetism shines in the largest room you can imagine. Everyone is tempted by the highly polished narcissist, especially when they have given you the high beam, that knowing look that says they have to have you and will give you everything you desire in exchange. You are transfixed, in trance mode—You believe that this gossamer flight is real—that you are so extraordinary that this man or woman has picked you. What a powerful dynamic—one that most people cannot resist. So you become involved quickly and “fall in love.” You are treated with such deference beyond your wildest imagination. This man has anticipated exactly what you want, what turns you on. The narcissistic promise is that if you go with him you will forever escape the harsh, cruel, painful realities of life. In its place the vision he/she offers is a paradise of delusion.So many choose this direction and for a while this can feel like the best thing that ever happened to you.

The true nature of the narcissist, Mr. Hyde emerges, shows his hideous face and the forceful menace of his presence. This is particularly evident in the narcissist’s insistent control of every aspect of your life, including your most private thoughts and feelings. The narcissist’s demands and criticisms become more forceful. You feel cornered. There is no way of compromising with this person. Eventually, the narcissist either discards you without a backward glance or you decide you cannot take it any more and leave. You start to move forward with your own life but the “good memories” linger. For many individuals it doesn’t take long to find another special person—someone they believe is different–not grandiose and demanding. You are so vulnerable that you can easily fall into the narcissistic trap again. One of the cleverest guises of these personality disorders is that of the covert narcissist. He or she appears to be genuine and caring. There is no fanfare or special entrance or pretense. This is what you believe. The focus is on you. The covert narcissist’s manner is smooth and subtle. It may take you some time to experience the manipulation and duplicitous nature of his brilliant act. You make excuses for his lack of empathy, your discovery of his easy lies, the cauldron of rage that brims over on to you. Again, you are in a relationship with another narcissist. Beneath the pseudo humility and pretend empathy lies the core narcissistic personality constellation. Many victims repeat this pattern of partnering with narcissists innumerable times. Each time they lose a little more of themselves.

Those who awaken to the reality that this severe personality disorder is not going to change and that he/she is eclipsing their lives, find a way out of this destructive pattern. They research, study and understand what has happened to them. They recognize that they are entitled to make their own decisions, to be treated with respect as a separate person, to have full use of their creative gifts, to pursue their life goals using their many talents. You have broken this destructive cycle and are now moving forward with your life. You deserve the very best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are restless individuals. They are always searching their environments, scouting out narcissistic supplies—attractive men or women who will come under their spell, business opportunities that will give them the highest yield even if that means running off with the money and cheating everyone else, opportunities for public adulation and adoring audiences. Grandiose narcissists love nothing more than being the center of attention on the largest stages—elegant parties, prestigious entertainment and sporting events, etc. Narcissists don’t stand still for very long. If they find you attractive and vulnerable to their charm, they will quickly have you in the palm of their hands. They make you feel that you are at the very center of their lives. You are the most wonderful and unique person they have ever met. Some narcissists are quick to give gifts–often impressive ones if they are in high income brackets. they love to dazzle you with surprises–special private dinners, jewelry, a day at a magnificent spa–They know exactly how to pull your strings. These kinds of behaviors are prevalent in the beginning when the narcissist is baiting you. After you have been with him for a while, the narcissist is inclined to take you more for granted—You are no longer the novelty you once were. Now you are labelled for him as a “filler”–someone he can call at a moment’s notice. You may think that the narcissist is finding you indispensable to his life. At this stage, the opposite is true. He has already moved on to another special woman—or three or four. These fellows are masterful jugglers.

You have become for him the woman he brings into his life when nothing more exciting is happening. You have slipped from number one to way back in the pack. From the beginning this reality was always going to be true. Narcissists don’t value anyone but themselves. They are predatory–always searching for the next best thing that they will manipulate, pursue and control. If a narcissist whom you have known in the past comes back into your life, oozing with charm, telling you that you are unforgettable—nip it in the bud with no equivocations or hesitations. You are a “filler” for no one. You are a person who respects herself, expects to be treated with courtesy and consideration and who values her individuality, creative gifts, her time and energy. She has relationships with people whom she respects and where there is reciprocation of understanding and deep caring. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

After you have separated from and divorced the narcissist you will go through a time of adjustment. For many there is an enormous sense of relief since the marriage has been treacherous and cruel for many years. Even if you have anticipated your divorce, there is an aftermath that many individuals experience. You have been under extreme duress for so many years you made not realize that your level of stress during the entire marriage has been very high. Even though stress is common, this doesn’t mean people have to suffer from this every day.

An effective way for people to relieve stress may be to try CBD products (for more information, check out sites like Serenity Store – Buy CBD Products Online), as this ingredient is said to help people keep calm during stressful situations. It may be worth doing some research beforehand, especially when it comes to anything health-related. Physiologically this means that the non-narcissistic spouse has been living with a high level of hyper-vigilance, apprehension, and chronic anxiety. When we feel endangered our nervous system goes into the sympathetic survival mode what is called fight or flight syndrome. In a state of relaxation and repose, the nervous system is in parasympathetic mode. This is the state the nervous system needs to be in to activate psychophysiological healing. Many of those who divorce narcissists are incapable of remembering if they have ever felt the relaxation and repose of the parasympathetic nervous system. This is a natural state—a condition that everyone deserves to experience. A state that you might be able to experience a little better or easier when using a product you can find if you were to click here, for example. As once again CBD can help naturally soothe and calm the mind, making it easier to enter this natural state.

Once you are free from sharing your life with the narcissist you can practice a variety of techniques to get in touch with the natural calming part of your nature. This can be achieved by practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nostrils, participating in a form of meditation in a way that works for you. Taking time to appreciate your own solitude is a source of activating healing. Some individuals find great comfort and calming in keeping a regular journal that they use to express their thoughts and feelings as a way of releasing this long held pain. As you work through the healing process, this calm state will become increasingly familiar to your body/mind and you will discover a deep peace inside. As the months and years pass and you continue these practices, the feeling of calmness will deepen. Your will lead the life that you were meant to lead. You deserve to be fully liberated. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Victims of narcissistic abuse–spouses, children, siblings–so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: “They don’t get it.” They are saying that other people even in their own families do not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince–very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous–screaming fits that never stop, intimidations and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific “I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you.” Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don’t deserve it, that the image of a “perfect family” doesn’t mean anything next to the truth—-You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first. You can separate and break free from the narcissist. Many benefit from quality psychotherapy. Make sure that you choose someone who is clinically highly qualified and empathic. Find a few friends you can count on. Make your plans in advance and keep them confidential as to how you will sever this non-marriage or non-partnership or non-familial relationship. You can become whole again. The creative, evolving part of you has been waiting a long time for you to say “Yes” to freedom. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com