Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Everyone is faced with emotional and psychological issues with family members. Those who say their family is perfect, are either fabricating a story or sharing a delusion. Ancient sibling rivalries, feuds among in-laws, disagreements on religious and political principles, long held unacknowledged secrets, painful residues of favored siblings over other family members—these are some of the many issues affecting most families. Enter the narcissist or narcissists in a family constellation. Now you are dealing with serious issues that often cannot be resolved and become intolerable. From babyhood on, the narcissist rules his/her kingdom. Often it is the narcissistic parent who perceives one particular child as the special one, the savior of the family. The parent views this child as perfect, superior,incapable of making mistakes. These children are not expected to be aware of or understand the feelings of other family members or anyone else. The narcissistic brother or sister usurps the power in the household and everyone, including the parents,are beholden to him or her. These young tyrants grow into impossible adult narcissists. The structure of the narcissistic personality becomes more deeply ingrained and hardened as the child moves into adolescence and adulthood.

Siblings who have suffered at the hands of their cruel, churlish, dismissive, demeaning, and in some cases, sadistic narcissistic brother or sister, find that any interaction with them is exceedingly painful. The adult sibling, in-law, cousin of the narcissist, discovers that these individuals who were so superior and self satisfied and critical as children are more venomous as adults. Ugly, hurtful comments spew forth from their mouths, uncensored by any humane or merciful filter. Verbal attacks, petty criticisms, recriminations are catapulted forward in non-ending barrages by the narcissist. At the same time he or she is obsessively telling you grandiose stories of career achievement, monetary success, awards bestowed, honors given.

If you’ve ever been at a family gathering and become the recipient of a narcissistic relative’s blast, you understand the cunning cruelty of their intent and their swift, unexpected shocking delivery. Narcissists are particularly skilled at the verbal ambush and it is especially wounding if you are alone with this viper. Narcissists are brazen and will deal out harsh deluded criticisms in front of family members and strangers alike. Narcissists are double agents and regularly sabotage one family member against the other.

At some point on the horizon, some individuals decide that they are unwilling to take any more abuse or be subjected to the narcissist’s primitive cruel projections. This person says “No” by removing his physical, emotional and mental presence from the narcissist. Other family members stay put, circle the wagons and make excuses for the narcissist: “He’s brilliant, just a little eccentric, loses his cool once in a while. It’s no big deal.” This group closes ranks around the narcissist and preserves the fictitious family fairy tale.

It is your choice to remove yourself permanently from the narcissist’s presence in your life. Some of us make this decision to restore peace of mind and psychological equilibrium. They recognize that there never has been a genuine relationship with this individual in the first place so there can be no meaningful exchange in the present or future.

If you want to learn more about the specific nature of the narcissistic personality–family member, sibling, spouse, ex-spouse, in-law, etc and how to deal with these difficult complex individuals, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi,Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com

You might think that this theme is taken directly from a British turn of the century novel. It is both classic and tragic. A scheming family member takes control of the family estate through the psychological manipulation of the parent, acquires executorship and as a consequence his/her siblings are left with nothing but emotional pain, deep resentments and a bitter taste of betrayal. Narcissists have been stealing family fortunes for thousands of years and they continue this form of treachery to this day.

Often a favored narcissistic child engages is a special kind of subterfuge with the parent who views him as perfect and godlike. This child proves to be indispensable to the parent—priceless. As an adult the narcissist begins a complex series of schemes and maneuvers to convince the adoring parent that he is the only responsible and fair one among his siblings to execute the family estate after the parent is deceased. The narcissistic adult child plays into the grandiose fantasies of superiority and brilliance that the mother/father and child mutually share. The narcissist convinces his parent that all of the other siblings either cannot be trusted with large sums of money, are unsophisticated about investments and ignorant or that they are disinterested in the finance realm and would create a failed economic outcome for all the children. The narcissist works with stealth to obtain the role of executor. He assures and convinces the other family members that the disbursement of the inheritance will be absolutely fair. When the occasion arises after the death of the last surviving parent for the inheritance to be distributed, it has already been spirited away to an unreachable haven by the narcissist. In another scenario the narcissistic parent is pressured and psychologically seduced into giving the entire inheritance to the narcissistic golden child, leaving only dregs to the remaining siblings. The conniving is done over many years in secret and stealth.

The finale for the non narcissistic siblings is psychologically devastating. The narcissist often takes a flyer, even to a foreign country where he/she lives a life of monetary self indulgence. For the narcissist, there are no regrets or pulls of conscience. After all, he deserves this fortune. It was the fruit of many years of labor, convincing the parent that he/she was entitled to everything. It was his due,his birthright. Developing a deeper understanding of the ruthlessness and treachery of the narcissistic personalities in your life, including family members, will provide you with the knowledge to protect yourself and to prevail with these complex and voracious individuals. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists always cause psychological and emotional pain. Those who are harmed the most are members of their family: spouses, ex-spouses,children, intimate partners, siblings,friends. Narcissists leave a wake of misery throughout their lives. Some narcissists are sadistic. A sadist is “someone who obtains pleasure from inflicting pain on others.” The narcissist usually doesn’t engage in physical assault although there are cases in which these individuals cross the line. Narcissists are so consumed by projecting a perfect image that they are clever about how they inflict their damage.

An example of when a narcissist’s sadistic tendencies come to the surface is during a contentious divorce. The narcissist often starts off with the commitment that he(she) will be cooperative. He puts the spouse off guard and leads her to believe that the settlement and the decisions about custody will be fair. The word “fair” is not part of the narcissist’s vocabulary. Do not gauge the narcissist’s plan of action or plot based on your moral standards or ethics. During a divorce the narcissist uses intimidation, stalling, empty promises, psychological manipulations and hidden agendas. If he or she is affluent, the narcissist will employ the sharpest attorneys who know and will use every legal loophole to win. When the narcissist thinks he has his soon to be ex-partner up against the wall, he turns the screws—counting on your vulnerabilities and your fears to acquiesce and let him have his way. No matter what the agreement is at the time, the narcissist will always find flaws: “I need one more form; I need more time.” When the narcissist sees that you are scared by his tactics, he feels pleasure inside; he’s got you. He is controlling you and enjoying every moment of it. The sadist is in full view.

The strongest force you have in dealing with the narcissist is yourself and all of your inner resources. Another factor of strength is your precise knowledge of the nature of the narcissist. Studying the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality, how they interact with others to get what they want, their cruel manipulations and exploitations, will provide you with a solid foundation. Assess your psychological and mental strengths. Embrace your capabilities and know that you are a force to contend with in dealing with the narcissist. Practicing how to be calm, to not overreact to the narcissist’s drama, to act with insight and intuition and to be unwavering in your personal resolve. Your commitment is to yourself and your personal integrity. You will prevail. Celebrate your continued personal growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I have been getting emails from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a long time. These life stories are moving; they are filled with expressions of deep psychological pain experienced over many decades. In so many instances these children have suffered deprivation and psychological and emotional abuse of all kinds since they were small children. Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Some of these mothers appear to have a deep devotion to their child. In these cases the narcissistic mother finds certain qualities and talents in her child that can be developed to enhance her image and provide her with an unending source of bragging rights and narcissistic supplies. Having a gorgeous daughter, academically gifted son or daughter, standout athlete, pumps up the family image of perfection and high achievement. The narcissistic mother watches everyone turning to her as the source of such extraordinary progeny.

In this post I am speaking directly to those adult children of narcissistic mothers who are still suffering from the mother wound—the legacy of having a parent who is incapable of love, who cares only about herself and exploits and controls her children to satisfy her rapacious ego needs. I am reaching out to those who grew up in this highly dysfunctional and hurtful family constellation to stop blaming yourselves for the cruelties, coldness and traumas heaped upon you by your narcissistic mother. No matter what sacrifice you make, how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change your narcissistic parent.

What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual who has endured and survived a very brutal childhood. Don’t expect most people to understand how deeply you have suffered. I find that very few individuals comprehend the pain of others unless they have consciously experienced deprivation and psychological pain in their childhoods and have worked hard with will and perseverance to unlock and heal these childhood traumas through quality psychotherapy or other healing modalities. You are no longer alone as you were as a small child at the mercy of a narcissistic mother. You now have options and pathways to transform psychological pain, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve—-filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Dealing with narcissistic family members is exceedingly difficult. After all, these are our brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandparents. We grew up with these individuals. In many instances we share a common gene pool. Even if we don’t, they are part of our family constellation. This thinking is ingrained in most of us, particularly when we were are very young. It is like breathing—father, mother, sister, brother—kin. We are told directly and indirectly to trust our family members. These are the people we can always count on. This is society’s message. But this is not always the truth about our closest relatives, especially if they are narcissists.

If we have narcissistic family members, we can count on this: they are narcissists first and family members, second, third, fourth–often last. This is a difficult and painful truth for those who suffer at their mercy and keep blaming themselves that their narcissistic brother or sister or parent(s) label them–defective, stupid, inept, worthless, naive, even evil.

The narcissist is a master of projection.We all have character deficits but when we are constantly berated with every step and move by the narcissist, we can be sure it is his/her projection. A projection is an unconscious defense mechanism in which the narcissist psychologically ejects his own self-hatred and self-loathing on to someone else. Speaking of self-loathing, for some people, this can be quite a tough place to get out of, especially if this is targeted towards themselves. But it could be as simple as checking out sites like https://www.knowledgeformen.com/i-hate-my-life/, in the hopes of finding a way to manage loneliness and self-loathing. Or other people may find that speaking to someone about how they are feeling could be a way to get through this time in their life.

The highly charged, toxic unconscious feelings the narcissist has about himself are projected on to the sibling, parent, child or other victims who receive and internalize the venom.

Don’t take the bait or ingest the venom. Learning how to specifically identify narcissistic family members will open your eyes wide. Protect and distance yourself from them. Narcissists have neither psychological limits nor boundaries. Be clear about your own boundaries and do not allow yourself to be overrun by the narcissist. Build up your psychological immune system with your knowledge of narcissists, understanding and respect for your unique autonomy and developing strategies for quieting your mind and body as well as increasing your self assertion skills. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Although he/she has succeeded greatly in the world and wields power there and controls his “intimates,” inside the narcissist feels empty and helpless. He obsessively watches the victories of others and is secretly envious. He despises the success of others. After all, he’s top dog, the king in his counting house. Why is your star rising? It’s a mistake, a fluke. If you are a sibling, spouse or ex-spouse of a narcissist, develop specific knowledge and maintain a keen awareness of the narcissist’s inner psychological workings. Get acquainted with his/her specific MO. The narcissist may throw bouquets of compliments to you as a ploy to take you off guard. Don’t buy into these fake ego boosters. He wants something from you that will be valuable to him: power access, social/business contacts, creative ideas. If you don’t give him what he wants, he could throw a two year old type tantrum. He is waiting for you to be intimidated by this kind of a response. He is gleeful at the thought of scaring and shocking you. It is time to disappoint him and to take the reins of your life in your capable hands.

Stop seeking the narcissist’s approval–it’s a losing battle, a waste of time, energy and a source of stress and distress. Even if you were perfect with a capital P, it will never be enough for the narcissist. Part of solving this puzzle is to “approve of yourself.” Come out of the shadow of your narcissistic family member. His/her knowing that you will no longer be the victim and recipient of his abuse is a powerful arrow in your quiver. On an unconscious level, the narcissist knows that you are on to his act. You’re not buying it anymore. You are not part of his audience. You are writing and directing your own life. Taking these steps is the beginning of freeing yourself from the narcissist’s empty power. Reclaim and celebrate the life you were given; make the most of every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are narcissistic daughters who dictatorially rule over their entire families:mothers,fathers,siblings,grandparents,etc. They treat their parents like stupid lowly servants, who tremble when they bark out commands. One psychological scenario occurs when the parents of the future narcissistic daughter are both borderline personalities. Borderlines area characterized by their fear of abandonment, boundary issues, unstable psyches, dependency, lack of self confidence, emotional over reactions and lack of psychological insight. Borderlines are subject to wide swings in mood and emotionally and psychological fuse with those close to them like spouses. The budding female narcissist enters the picture when this couple has its first born. In this case example, it is a girl named Caterina. From the beginning Caterina is catered to. As an infant her mother ministers to her needs with consistency and care. By the age of eighteen months it is very clear that little Caterina is running the household. Mother and father make no effort to create boundaries of appropriate behavior for their child. Whenever Caterina wants something, she open her mouth, screams wildly, and instantly receives it—morning,noon and night. There are no rules in this household. Caterina is treated like a queen to be obeyed not a dependent child of parents who love her and act as consistent guides in her development. By three the first of her sisters arrived and Caterina becomes more enrage and self entitled. She is very cruel to her younger sister and neither parent intervenes to explain that she cannot act out her rage on the much younger sibling. By this time Caterina is in charge of the household, intimidating her parents. Whatever Caterina wants, she gets, regardless of her insensitivity to her younger sibling or her highly disrespectful behavior to her parents. Caterina has not been taught to treat others with respect. She has never learned that anyone else mattered or even existed in the world, except herself. Her parents have placed her on a high immovable throne where they worship their budding narcissistic daughter.

As a full blown narcissist, Caterina is still ruling the roost. Although she lives halfway across the country from her family and has a husband and children of her own, she directs and rules on family matters from her domain. Recently, she insisted on making decisions about her grandmother’s assisted living care. It is Caterina not her father or mother who is in the driver’s seat. Why would Caterina be so closely involved with a grandmother she doesn’t give a damn about. You guessed it—her grandmother’s inheritance. Caterina turned on the charm with subtle pressure in more recent years and grandmother has made “her decision” to leave over seventy five percent of her estate to Caterina. Never doubt the venality and greed of a narcissistic personality, especially when relatives with monetary assets are involved. For more information that will help you to specifically identify and assist you in successfully dealing with narcissists in your family and beyond, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“Cock of the Walk” derives from the middle english, meaning a person who dominates others with his (her) overbearing manner. This describes many male narcissists who treat their brother(s) in humiliating and intimidating ways, constantly pouring vinegar into your open psychological wounds. Whether older or younger the narcissistic brother takes control of the household very early. He was always the attention getter, the One, the overwhelming presence. In many family scenarios he is mother or father’s favorite. From the beginning he is not taught to be aware or sensitive to other’s feelings. His parents give him the green light and tell him directly and indirectly that he is extraordinary Male siblings of narcissistic brothers describe their fear and trembling in the presence of their brother. Frequently, the parent(s) is unaware of the narcissist’s manipulation of them and the other children in the family. The narcissistic brother is often a bully who routinely terrorizes his brothers and sisters. I hear these stories frequently from the narcissist’s victims: “He was always cruel, made fun of me. ” “He lied and told dad that I stole something or hit a kid at school. My brother is a bully, pure and simple.” “He can get away with anything.”

The narcissistic brother will never stop abusing you. Narcissists are very unlikely to change. They are wildly rewarded for their grandiosity, extreme self confidence and for their cruel domination of others. I have heard first hand accounts of narcissistic brothers who turn treacherous and convince other family members that their brother is mentally and psychologically unstable. Often these brothers become the executors of the family estate, especially if there are large assets involved. They pretend to be attentive to the living mother or father for the purpose of brainwashing them into controlling the will and the trusts.

Narcissistic brothers get a perverse joy from digging at their siblings. They demean and humiliate their brother, embarrassing them in public or among other family members and friends. They take joy in inducing wounds–they are mercilessly sadistic, even treacherous. When you tell others about your narcissistic brother, don’t be surprised if you are not believed. Many people live in delusion, never wanting to face what is darkest in another because they cannot face their own psychological shadows.

In many cases the targeted brother must make a move to sever his ties with his toxic family member. Painful as this action can be, it is an opportunity for the once victimized sibling to break free from this narcissist and assert and celebrate his unique identity. For many this represents a personal transformation, a great victory! Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com