Although he/she has succeeded greatly in the world and wields power there and controls his “intimates,” inside the narcissist feels empty and helpless. He obsessively watches the victories of others and is secretly envious. He despises the success of others. After all, he’s top dog, the king in his counting house. Why is your star rising? It’s a mistake, a fluke. If you are a sibling, spouse or ex-spouse of a narcissist, develop specific knowledge and maintain a keen awareness of the narcissist’s inner psychological workings. Get acquainted with his/her specific MO. The narcissist may throw bouquets of compliments to you as a ploy to take you off guard. Don’t buy into these fake ego boosters. He wants something from you that will be valuable to him: power access, social/business contacts, creative ideas. If you don’t give him what he wants, he could throw a two year old type tantrum. He is waiting for you to be intimidated by this kind of a response. He is gleeful at the thought of scaring and shocking you. It is time to disappoint him and to take the reins of your life in your capable hands.
Stop seeking the narcissist’s approval–it’s a losing battle, a waste of time, energy and a source of stress and distress. Even if you were perfect with a capital P, it will never be enough for the narcissist. Part of solving this puzzle is to “approve of yourself.” Come out of the shadow of your narcissistic family member. His/her knowing that you will no longer be the victim and recipient of his abuse is a powerful arrow in your quiver. On an unconscious level, the narcissist knows that you are on to his act. You’re not buying it anymore. You are not part of his audience. You are writing and directing your own life. Taking these steps is the beginning of freeing yourself from the narcissist’s empty power. Reclaim and celebrate the life you were given; make the most of every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.