Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

The Big Lie—Narcissists are Good People

In our current society narcissists are venerated, followed and fawned over. They are our national and state leaders, politicians, CEO’s, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, entertainment elite, medical doctors, university professors, spiritual teachers. The list is endless and growing.

Most people are captivated by the burnished image of an individual not their true nature. If someone is highly attractive, bright, educated, very articulate and charming, many are immediately drawn to this person. It is difficult to separate the image that a person presents from what lies behind the smooth talk, gorgeous eyes, confident stance, commanding presence. If you pay close attention and study the narcissistic personality you will learn to recognize that many of those who present themselves in this way are not “good people.” By this I don’t mean that they are criminals but that they don’t give a damn about you, never will and are motivated only by what they can take from you. They are users and exploiters par excellence. They have been learning this craft all of their lives. Most of them have felt superior to everyone else since they were small children. Narcissists are created not born. There is no narcissistic gene.

I say that narcissists are not good people because when we know what they reap in terms of human relationships, the picture is ugly. Yes, they may give money to worthy causes. Some of them are generous and that is good and praise worthy. But when we view their personal lives we see close up the psychological havoc they wreak with their spouses and children and other family members. I read and directly hear countless personal life stories of those who grew up with narcissistic families. What has happened to them for decades is devastating and horrific. They have been emotionally and psychologically abused throughout their childhoods and into adulthood. In a common scenario the parent’s public image is impeccable. People look up to this individual as a model–someone they want to emulate. The very opposite is true. Most often what is true about an individual takes place behind closed doors. It occurs in secret. It is kept secret because of the narcissist’s threatening and abusive treatment of family members. They have learned to keep quiet because their lives depend on it.God help those who cross a narcissistic mother, father, sibling, in-law. Narcissists control their private fiefdoms. Some spouses and children are brain washed and psychologically fuse with the narcissist. They are in massive denial and remain that way for the rest of their lives. Others recognize who this person truly is—a severe, highly disturbed, venal, cruel narcissistic personality who will continue to abuse them. They disengage themselves from this toxic family member, find ways to escape, save themselves and lead their own lives.

Learn to identify the narcissistic personality quickly so that you cannot be victimized by them, regardless of their public image, personal magnetism, convincing lies, charming overtures to you. To understand the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your

Narcissists Hold Spouses Psychologically Hostage

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded…The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life, p. 160) Since the narcissistic is incapable of emotional intimacy, he/she cannot form close relationship, especially as a spouse or parent. The narcissist believes that his spouse is a living possession who belongs to him and must follow the script he has written. Your perspective, regardless of how well informed and intelligent, is of no value to the narcissist. These severe personalities rule by intimidation and intimidation.

Those who grew up in a narcissistic family are particularly vulnerable to marry a narcissistic partner. Repeating this pathological pattern is not unusual. These children are familiar with this kind of treatment although it was highly abusive. Sons and daughters struggle with a sense of unworthiness. Narcissistic parents overwhelm their children.

There are exceptions. Some spouses wake up and recognize that they have been psychologically imprisoned by their husband or wife. After decades of abuse, neglect, betrayals and chronic lying, they make the decision for psychological freedom. No longer will they be screamed at constantly, humiliated for voicing their opinion. Instead they will take creative initiatives to fulfill their personal destiny, growing as a strong solid self with a sense of inner peace and optimism. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Married to a Narcissistic Sociopath—Free yourself–Create a New Life

Narcissistic sociopaths are a growing in our current societal climate of greed, ruthlessness and lack of conscience. The sociopath I am describing is the bloodless kind—one who doesn’t cause direct physical violence. The people that I describe are much too clever to get caught. They appear to follow laws and rules. They thrive on an image of high achievement, well honed social skills, the appearance of empathy (called pseudo empathy) personal charisma and a tremendous capacity of persuasion. Meeting one of these individuals, one can feel their personal magnetism. This is the irresistible bait that hooks many people into their world. Beneath the surface, inside the narcissistic sociopath is their belief that they are superior and in complete control of others.

They are exploitive of everyone, especially those whom they marry. They fool most people; that’s how cunning and clever they are. If you have been married to a narcissist for a while you know that your life is being controlled by your partner on many levels. On the surface it doesn’t appear that way. The spouse is often reaping the benefits of the sociopath’s success and public prominence—-even the image of a “good character” he has created for himself. Spouses of narcissistic sociopaths often have their own careers and believe that they are savvy about human nature. Despite your successes, your sociopathic spouse is using you as a narcissistic supply to reach his goals not yours. Your deep feelings, worries, inner thoughts don’t matter to him. Sociopaths are not familiar with their inner selves nor are they the least bit interested in what another person is feeling.They are very cunning at reading other when it is to their advantage. They often take their opponents and enemies off center and throw them aside. This is often the case with spouses married to narcissistic sociopaths. These individuals cannot be loyal to anyone, their wives included. They lead many lives with different women in secret. They have girlfriends, mistresses, short and long affairs, etc. This is very exciting to them. Even the danger of getting caught allures them to the chase and conquest.

Many wives of narcissistic sociopaths avert their eyes to the unethical, immoral and often illegal activities in which their husbands are engaged. They don’t want to know the details so that they can pretend that they are married to a decent person and that their lives will remain predictable, secure financially and exciting socially. The enraged, threatening, dismissive, outrageously demanding sociopath comes to the surface sometimes in public but most often in private. He has no respect for your person. You can be tormented day and night by this highly disturbed individual. You are blamed for his mistakes. You are told that you will be replaced. He looks in your face and screams about your appearance: “You’re ugly and getting old. I can’t stand looking at you any more.” “You ungrateful b—-! I’ve given everything to you and gotten nothing in return but misery.”
The narcissistic sociopath foams at the mouth with poisonous projections that enter your mind and body and create a state of siege inside that cannot be quieted. You develop physical symptoms from the 24/7 stress and insomnia. It is hard to get food down. This is a crisis that must be addressed. At this point some spouses decide that they can no longer live this way. They are harming themselves, staying with a threatening abusive spouse. If they have children they recognize that this family constellation is toxic to them as well. Spouses that leave narcissistic sociopaths go through a process of severing the emotional ties to this individual even though they have been mistreated throughout the marriage. For others there is a great relief.

After the divorce, the spouses who made this decision re-direct their lives. They are no longer being controlled or threatened. Some find that good psychotherapy is important in going through the process of becoming completely independent from their previous life. The creative juices begin to flow once more. Opportunities for healthy relationships with friends new and old are a great source of support. The freed spouse now defines herself, is unfettered and learns to appreciate a peaceful environment outside and deep within the self. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Spouses of Narcissists—Treated as Objects and Possessions

Those who are married to narcissists are not treated as individuals. You are the ultimate living narcissistic supply. What could be better for a narcissist to have a woman at his side who projects the perfect image and enhances the narcissist’s persona in business and public life. You have your own profession and career. You deserve tremendous credit for all of the smart work you have done to build your professional status and to achieve the respect of your business associates and your bosses. Despite the excellent work you are doing and what you are achieving and mastering, your narcissistic spouse is not impressed. He may use your work status as a way of embroidering his image but in private you are demeaned and treated like an inferior.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy or intimacy of any kind. The spouse is an object that the narcissist possesses. Many spouses of narcissists report that while they were married to the narcissist they felt like they were leading his or her life not their own. Narcissistic spouses are often very envious of their husbands or wives. They perceive you as a possible power threat in the relationship. When this becomes obvious, that’s when their verbal attacks step out. The non-narcissistic spouse is worn down by the constant unrelenting put downs, verbal assaults, humiliating remarks and attempts to high jack your personal and professional life. Some spouses are so subdued and brainwashed that they feel forced to ask permission from the narcissist even in making personal decisions. If you have a great idea, the narcissistic spouse criticizes you , then decides it was his concept in the first place and it is brilliant.

After spending a number of years married to a narcissist, the partner often become emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausted. There is very little respite. Some spouses report that they can’t wait for their narcissistic spouse to leave on business trips. The abused spouse counts the hours before departure.
Some abused spouses finally recognize that they don’t deserve to be treated like objects or possessions. They come to these realizations through psychotherapy, their own insights and close friendships that provide them with loving support and patient listening. Spouses who make the decision to renew their lives by leaving the imprisonment of marriage to a narcissist re-discover that they are unique individuals who deserve respect, the use of all of the creative gifts and islands of inner peace. The journey is worth the challenge it often takes to extricate oneself from a narcissistic spouse. Keep your concentration and focus on your goal—reclaiming the person you were born to become. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Shameless Narcissists Project Shame on their Spouses

Shame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them–making them feel small and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..

Narcissists are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation, even have you fired—For these serious transgressions of human decency they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in their outrageous and hurtful behaviors. Narcissists are particularly brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners. Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you desperate, to throttle your nerve endings. Shaming is one of their most effective evil tools. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses, after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don’t deserve to be treated in this abusive manner.

The work of separating permanently from the narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the help of the support of family members and/or other members of their social group together with those who benefit from excellent psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives. They don’t have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Surrounded by Narcissists—Let Your Light Shine

There are many extraordinary human beings who grew up in narcissistic families. Mother, father, sisters, brothers, in-laws, grandparents—every pattern imaginable exists. This is one of the most difficult family constellations for a growing child. In some cases there are surrogate parents in the form of a brother, sister, aunt, grandparent, who provides a sense of acceptance, affection and being cared for. In others the child grows up very isolated, believing that this family is the only reality. Other children see through the charade early and learn to maneuver through their own lives by keeping themselves almost invisible, pretending to go along with the narcissistic family delusion, while maintaining their own sense of reality. Some children escape into books, spend a lot of time at the homes of friends, learn a great deal from their teachers, use their imaginations for creative purposes and insulate themselves from the pathology that surrounds them.

At some point the children in narcissistic families discover that the people who”raised” them were unable to be genuine. As narcissists they lived as false often grandiose selves. Getting in touch with the real self is not possible for the narcissist. Children in these families are often highly favored as special and superior. Many of them become narcissists and repeat the family pattern.

Those who step out and separate and individuate from the narcissistic family of origin take a monumental passage forward to re-acquaint themselves with their true selves and all of their special gifts, talents and energies that they have concealed from themselves for so long. One of the purposes we are here on earth is to manifest our creative gifts in the special form it takes in each individual. The maxim–“Let your light shine” is a wise one and essential to leading whole, healing and triumphant lives. You may be surprised at how many of your creative gifts you have left lying fallow. Many are amazed at the rich capacities that they have deep within them. The other part of your healing is in sharing what you have learned with others. There are so many people who feel trapped by the narcissistic personality.in each family constellation. Some of those who are now living in the freedom of the light communicate their journeys in various forms–writing, art, being active in support groups.

We celebrate your perseverance through this process and the emergence of your real self that has been waiting all of your life to become the person you were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic In-Laws—Identify Them and Protect Yourself

You don’t have any control over who are your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and other family members. And you can not determine who will become your in-laws. And that is a huge dilemma if they are narcissists. One narcissistic in-law can spoil your whole day and more —-if you let them. I’m not saying it is easy to maneuver their circuitous, deceitful, ruthless ways. The first step is in identifying them as quickly as possible. It is invaluable for you to spend some time studying the narcissistic personality—the character disorder of our time. Once you know that one or some of your in-laws are narcissists, keep out of their range. There are few things that they love to do more than trapping you in a corner all alone and project their psychological venom on to you. Do not be alone with these people. Their toxic bursts are non-stop. Narcissistic in-laws lie about family members all of the time. It’s like a sport with them. They are seeking complete control of the family including family assets. You say—but they’re family!!!!No, they are not. They carry this title in name only. They are ruthless, treacherous narcissists who will endeavor to brainwash or vanquish everyone in the family, stepping over everyone to get to the very top. And often they do—by stealth, cunning, pretending to care deeply about someone whom they can control. Never sell these individuals short. I have known of cases in which a narcissistic in-law stole three inheritances that didn’t belong to them. They became executors, won the trust of unwitting family members and they never got caught. It’s hard to believe but this happens.

Protect yourself from these vipers. If there are other family members who are as perceptive as you and recognize their true natures, form an alliance with them. In some cases they have undermined everyone. Family members are living under the spell of the toxic in-law and you have to step aside and protect yourself and lead your life free from them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Parents—Buying Off Their Children–This is Not Love

Narcissists are incapable of developing and sustaining genuine relationships of any kind with spouse or children in particular. They are parents in name only. Many of them spend most of their time away from their kids. They can’t be bothered taking time and patience to listen to their children, comfort them when they are upset, encourage them with school, show deep affection and love for them. So many children of narcissists with whom I have communicated describe their lives with a narcissistic parent as horrific. Those who are not the special child and don’t have the looks and talents that the narcissistic parent values, find themselves marginalized and demeaned. The narcissist parent is obsessed with his/her image. Because of this need for narcissistic supplies these parents make sure that to those living outside of the home, there is a look of perfection and normalcy about this family. A portrait of loving attentive parents is cleverly created for public image purposes for the narcissist.

To keep his/her children quiet and in control, narcissistic parents who have the means use money and generous gifts as a way of buying off their children. This becomes a way of life for them. Money is used in exchange for love. Some children of narcissists go along with these manipulations; others recognize that their parent(s) is incapable of loving them and using material means to control them. In many cases the narcissistic parent makes empty promises that are never kept. These children remain tied to the narcissistic parent in a psychologically parasitic relationship. These children never grow up and realized their potential. They spend their lives waiting for something that will never come—genuine love. In exchange they accept the narcissistic parent(s) gifts, material largess and special privileges of being part of the inner circle.

Children who awaken to this truth go through painful realizations, recognizing that their parent cannot love. This is a difficult psychological and emotional process for children of narcissists. Surprisingly, many children of narcissistic parents are loving human beings, capable of deep empathy.

Coming to terms with psychologically and in some cases physically severing the relationship with the narcissistic parent is a complex process. There is a period of grieving over the loss of not having a parent–the person from whom you needed unconditional love. Some of these children benefit from psychotherapy in working through these painful issues. Part of the healing process is in their recognition that they are loving and capable of emotional and psychological intimacy. Some of adult children turn to healing practices like hatha yoga and meditation to help them quiet the mind, attain a deep sense of inner peace and finally detach from the narcissistic parent. It is essential that you take charge of yourself, recognize and lead your life as a person of great value and integrity. As you move ahead you will rediscover your unique gifts and talents. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Divorce Narcissistic Spouse—Rediscover Your Sense of Self and Use of Your Creative gifts

Making the decision to divorce a narcissistic spouse can be wrenching even after you can identify this person as a severe personality disorder who is not going to change. Chances are, once you have had this realization your first thought will be ‘How Long Does It Take To Get A Divorce‘ because you’ll be desperate to escape any future manipulation once you know how susceptible you can be to it.

However, it’s important not to rush things when getting divorced as there are a lot of important decisions to be made during a divorce, which will ensure your future security. In many cases, there are shared financial resources, residences, and other possessions that will require division. Correspondingly, it is almost always worth researching ‘divorce lawyers near me‘ online to track down an experienced divorce law specialist in your area to guide you through the legal side of the process. In most cases, a narcissistic spouse will always lie about his true assets and often conceals them when serious talk of divorce fills the air.

Consequently, make sure you choose an excellent attorney, similar to this dallas divorce attorney, who understands the ruthless games of the narcissist, their no limits attitude and lack of conscience and of course their incredible acting skills. Be prepared for the plots and plans, their pity and martyr roles. Follow their assets with a microscope. In some instances forensic accountants are hired to get to the bottom of what the narcissistic spouse has hidden. After the final papers are signed and the divorce is a reality, the non-narcissistic spouse is left to put back together his/her lives.

After the narcissist the spouse who has been through an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride and has sustained great stress and trauma goes through a process of rebuilding the self. For years and even decades your life has been dictated by the controlling narcissist. In effect you were a prisoner of your marriage. The narcissist made all of the rules and you were expected to obey. Your life was overshadowed by this highly pathological human being.

Now that you are free, you may find yourself going through a period of adjusting to making your own decisions and rediscovering your creative gifts. For other spouses , they move into first gear very quickly—they are prisoners who have been waiting for the gates of freedom to open. These individuals began to bloom and thrive. They discover that they have great amounts of energy. They feel their freedom. They discover that they feel great making their own decisions. They experience joy in recovering their great creative gifts from the past and finding talents that they didn’t realize they had. This is a process of restoring your life.

There is a freedom with other people. You can express yourself spontaneously, create new meaningful relationships that are supportive and healing. Some of those who divorce narcissists begin healing practices of yoga and meditation that result in deeper healing and a sense of peace. The sense of a solid self is built on a firm foundation of knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself. There are so many reports of those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses that are inspirational and bring light into our lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Immunizing Yourself against Narcissistic Verbal Attacks

Our physical immune systems are a wonder. If we maintain them, they are constantly fending off diseases and infections of all kinds. We are in charge of our immune health. We learn how to eat foods that will support the immune system and avoid others that will suppress our powerful defenses. Our daily habits strengthen the immune system. The exercise that we do on a regular basis boosts our immune systems. Making every effort to get quality sleep is another source of strengthening this wonderful protective function that enhances our physical well being. I use this example to explain that we can develop an immunity to narcissistic verbal attacks. Of course if we don’t have a professional obligations to be around narcissists, we avoid them. They are a toxic presence. There are growing numbers of narcissists every day. We find them in our spouses, siblings, parents and with our bosses and co-workers. The narcissist has no incentive to change. At this time of growing acceptance of narcissists in our current society, we have to learn to deal with them. They are not going away and they have no reason to change. They experience themselves as perfect and others as inferior and defective.

We build psychological immunity by first understanding and appreciating who we are. It is not the sum of our accomplishments in the world. It is based on the strength and integrity of our character and our capacity to know and seek the truth. It is recognized in our efforts to move beyond the compelling narcissistic delusion that you can be ruthless, cruel, merciless, without conscience and destroy others as long as you win.

Don’t be surprised at the number of people who follow and are true believers of narcissists. They crave being a member of the inner circle even if they are infrequently thrown crumbs or are honored to kiss the ring of the anointed.They have thrown away their identities, strapped themselves to the narcissist for the E ticket ride. They will do anything to be identified with this person. They believe that he or she is a good human being because of outside trappings and the wielding of power over others.

If you have a narcissistic parent you have been through the wars of childhood and prevailed. I am not downplaying the horrendous suffering you have been through. It is incalculable. It often occurs into adulthood. When you know that your parent(s) is a narcissist you have a number of decisions to make. You can control your contact with them despite their protestations and accusations and their spreading gossip and lies about your character. Anyone who doesn’t see through these machinations is not going to be someone whom you can rely on or trust. Sometimes good people are fooled by these cunning method actors. Sometimes relatives who took the bait, see the truth and turn around. But you cannot wait for what they might do.

The focus is on developing and evolving as an individual who is solid and strong. Some who have been victimized find that psychotherapy is helpful in building a therapeutic alliance with a professional and developing trust, being heard and understood. If you go in this direction, do you research and trust your observations and reactions to prospective therapists. Remember you are hiring them to help you with your life.

If you are verbally attacked by a narcissist who is a family member, an acquaintance, an ex-spouse, learn to detach from their inappropriate, incendiary comments and criticisms. First, you don’t have to respond to such cruelty in the first place. Some statements are so delusional that they do not deserve engagement —silence on your part can be golden, when the narcissist knows you mean it. There are times when you make the decision to defend yourself. There are many replies to toxic questions and queries and cruel statements. Make your statement clear and short.Do not re-engage the narcissist. That’s what he’s waiting for—to pull you back in. One good response to inappropriate queries is: ” I don’t respond to personal questions.”

One of the best ways to immunize yourself is to create an internal space inside that cannot be penetrated by the attacker. Develop habits and routines that you consistently use to quiet your body and mind. Regular exercise that works for you is one of them. Getting sufficient sleep and eating good foods strengthen the body,mind and psyche. Following your creative track is inspirational and empowering. It separates you further from the narcissist’s arrowed quiver of recriminations, manipulations, deceptions and blatant cruelties. Learn to go within, using a form of stilling the mind that works for you. It can be a form of meditation, chanting, gentle yoga with emphasis on the breathing, gardening, keeping a private journal, etc. Develop a small but faithful support system. These are people you can count on when you are discouraged, worn out, burned out and when you feel alone. The listening ear of a supportive person is one of the most powerful forms of psychological immunization you can have.

Search for and follow your dreams. Allow you mind to move unchoreographed and free. You will be surprised at the results of this practice. Spend some time, even if it is smile lifting up others. This is a special time right now of great suffering for many. A smile a kind look, a few words can make all the difference in their day and yours. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]