Narcissistic sociopaths are a growing in our current societal climate of greed, ruthlessness and lack of conscience. The sociopath I am describing is the bloodless kind—one who doesn’t cause direct physical violence. The people that I describe are much too clever to get caught. They appear to follow laws and rules. They thrive on an image of high achievement, well honed social skills, the appearance of empathy (called pseudo empathy) personal charisma and a tremendous capacity of persuasion. Meeting one of these individuals, one can feel their personal magnetism. This is the irresistible bait that hooks many people into their world. Beneath the surface, inside the narcissistic sociopath is their belief that they are superior and in complete control of others.
They are exploitive of everyone, especially those whom they marry. They fool most people; that’s how cunning and clever they are. If you have been married to a narcissist for a while you know that your life is being controlled by your partner on many levels. On the surface it doesn’t appear that way. The spouse is often reaping the benefits of the sociopath’s success and public prominence—-even the image of a “good character” he has created for himself. Spouses of narcissistic sociopaths often have their own careers and believe that they are savvy about human nature. Despite your successes, your sociopathic spouse is using you as a narcissistic supply to reach his goals not yours. Your deep feelings, worries, inner thoughts don’t matter to him. Sociopaths are not familiar with their inner selves nor are they the least bit interested in what another person is feeling.They are very cunning at reading other when it is to their advantage. They often take their opponents and enemies off center and throw them aside. This is often the case with spouses married to narcissistic sociopaths. These individuals cannot be loyal to anyone, their wives included. They lead many lives with different women in secret. They have girlfriends, mistresses, short and long affairs, etc. This is very exciting to them. Even the danger of getting caught allures them to the chase and conquest.
Many wives of narcissistic sociopaths avert their eyes to the unethical, immoral and often illegal activities in which their husbands are engaged. They don’t want to know the details so that they can pretend that they are married to a decent person and that their lives will remain predictable, secure financially and exciting socially. The enraged, threatening, dismissive, outrageously demanding sociopath comes to the surface sometimes in public but most often in private. He has no respect for your person. You can be tormented day and night by this highly disturbed individual. You are blamed for his mistakes. You are told that you will be replaced. He looks in your face and screams about your appearance: “You’re ugly and getting old. I can’t stand looking at you any more.” “You ungrateful b—-! I’ve given everything to you and gotten nothing in return but misery.”
The narcissistic sociopath foams at the mouth with poisonous projections that enter your mind and body and create a state of siege inside that cannot be quieted. You develop physical symptoms from the 24/7 stress and insomnia. It is hard to get food down. This is a crisis that must be addressed. At this point some spouses decide that they can no longer live this way. They are harming themselves, staying with a threatening abusive spouse. If they have children they recognize that this family constellation is toxic to them as well. Spouses that leave narcissistic sociopaths go through a process of severing the emotional ties to this individual even though they have been mistreated throughout the marriage. For others there is a great relief.
After the divorce, the spouses who made this decision re-direct their lives. They are no longer being controlled or threatened. Some find that good psychotherapy is important in going through the process of becoming completely independent from their previous life. The creative juices begin to flow once more. Opportunities for healthy relationships with friends new and old are a great source of support. The freed spouse now defines herself, is unfettered and learns to appreciate a peaceful environment outside and deep within the self. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life