Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD - The Narcissist In Your Life

Children of Narcissists-Exposing their Narcissistic Parents

I hear from adult children of narcissists. Their stories are painful and long, often overshadowing entire decades of their lives. Children of narcissists carry guilt about not being “good enough” and living up to parental expectations. If your parent is a narcissist there is nothing on earth you can do to please him/her if you are not the chosen one, that special sibling the narcissistic mother or father picks to be the star and icon for the entire family.

At the end of a very long road there are adult children who finally cannot tolerate the verbal abuse, accusations, emotional coldness and all out rejection and pernicious psychological projection and evil revenge—-They must speak the truth. I hear from them and read about it in many blogs. Some have been sent packing, losing everything, including material possessions, opportunities to be secure financially and to be part of a family.

Narcissistic families are not families at all. They are business arrangements negotiated by the narcissist to benefit him/her alone or a favorite of his. This is why it would be helpful to have legal support when dealing with these ‘business negotiations’. Talking to lawyers similar to Eatons Solicitors can provide some insight into how to legally deal with a narcissistic family. The matriarch or patriarch of the family makes all the rules. He or she comes first, even if that is psychologically devastating to other family members. Some narcissistic parents bring in people who are not family members and “adopt” them because they are very attractive, bright, creatively gifted and venerate the narcissist and know just how to play up their egos. In some cases the father or mother will eventually “dump” the other spouse and develop a romantic relationship with this once outsider and marry him or her. You can imagine the horrendous emotional upheaval this kind of irresponsible and callous behavior causes the narcissist’s children. Can you see the wedding party–the young bride who is a decade younger than the narcissist’s children, who was picked to supersede them and in some cases will inherit everything the narcissist owns. I have witnessed these scenes and they are distressing and ignominious.

These atrocious behaviors are occurring more often than most people can imagine. If you are the adult child of a narcissistic parent, learn to identify this fixed personality disorder by study and research. Protect yourself from their venomous projections. You may have to go no contact. This is very difficult for many adult children. You cannot change the narcissist—this is a severe fixed disorder that usually had its beginnings in early childhood. Focus on your own self entitlement–your right to think in freedom, the express your feelings, to appreciate your authenticity, to maintain your physical and psychological health and to continue to grow as a valued individual. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Not Getting Their Just Desserts

If you are married to a narcissist, the adult child of a narcissist or a sibling, you understand the emotional pain that you experience as a result of the relationship. The narcissist is always watching out for himself alone. He or she may find someone whom they fancy to provide them with much needed ego enhancements. They may have children with this person. That doesn’t mean that this individual will become a permanent fixture on their stage set. Some narcissists choose partners who are wealthy and compliant, willing to go along with their empty promises and the romantic rush they cannot resist. As long as the money is plentiful and they have access to its flow, the narcissist is pleased to maintain what appears to be a close relationship. There is no real commitment here, only a lucrative arrangement that gives him access and control of the finances and social and business connections.

I have been in contact with many who are still suffering from the narcissist’s financial and emotional exploitation. In many instances narcissists have committed fraud, neglected their financial obligations, lied about and concealed their net worth and been sued. Despite all of this, they find ways to wiggle out of and escape justice. The courts move very slowly especially if a person without conscience hires high powered attorneys to use delay tactics, barrages of continuances, endless depositions. If a narcissist has sufficient monetary staying power he can spend years fending off and stonewalling those who who have been harmed and whose lives have been severely disrupted and in some cases, devastated. In the meantime the narcissistic has adroitly found willing pawns who are sucked into his latest vision and are happily writing checks.

The best justice with a narcissist is how you lead your own life. Being psychologically and emotionally free has no price. It is invaluable. Don’t wait for the narcissist to come to the seat of justice and be fairly tried and sentenced. In most cases, this does not happen. I am very sorry about this but it is the reality.

You will start healing. Some days will be rough, remembering everything you have been through, even thinking of the good times and your fantasies of how it could have worked out. First of all, don’t blame yourself. You have been dealing with a severe fixed personality disorder that does not change. You have made a courageous decision to leave this individual and keep him out of your life. If you have minor children with him, you can work to find ways to interact with the ex-spouse so that is supportive of your children and their psychological well being. Skilled psychotherapy can be very helpful in the transition. Support groups are also a source of growing strength and movement toward greater emotional independence. Discover what you love, what animates you. Explore your creativity. Practice healthy routines–good nutrition, regular exercise, meditation, yoga that create balance and steadiness in your life. You are moving ahead. Congratulate yourself. Dynamic life awaits you. Answer its call. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No One Can Destroy You Psychologically

If you survived your childhood—and that is a very tall order for many abused, neglected and deprived children— no one can psychologically harm you.It usually takes most of us a number of painful experiences to come to this realization. After all what we had to do to remain alive emotionally and psychologically meant that we had to become invisible, pretend who we weren’t, cower in a corner and hope that we would not be hit, hide from our parents at friends’ houses, disappear into libraries to escape the horrors of home and fill our minds with useful intellectual information. Libraries become a place of refuge for many children. In books we enter a world of enchantment where we can be transported to other worlds and away from the constant psychological pain of our dysfunctional families.

Those who have suffered abuse and neglect often choose as partners, individuals who will continue these kinds of behaviors. We are drawn back to what was familiar to us,even though it made our lives intolerable. Many children learn very early that they are unworthy of kindness or empathy. They become inured to cruelty and neglect. As they grow up they unconsciously expect this kind of treatment from others, including prospective partners.

At some point victims of emotional and psychological abuse wake up. Maybe the last time of being humiliated and shamed and even struck in the face by a spouse or partner was the last straw. They say to themselves: “I will not take this kind of treatment ever again.” This time they mean it and begin their journey toward healing and wholeness. No one can harm or destroy you psychologically. Learn to appreciate that you are a valuable unique human being who deserves respect and the reciprocation of love and appreciation. Send this message to others who are still suffering and trapped in this old cycle of abuse. Your life has begun anew—Keep your light shining day and night. You deserve to live with a spacious calm mind, the reciprocation of love and friendship and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Appreciate Your Uniqueness

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can spend years coming to the realization that they were raised by a woman who was a non-mother. Cold, manipulative, self-obsessed, vain, dismissive, hyper-critical, cunning, without conscience, deceitful—these are a few of the adjectives that describe the narcissistic “mother.” Psychologically, her breasts are permanently dry and unyielding—She cannot give sustenance to her little daughter. Her glance is vacant. There is no light in her eyes, no emotional contact–not a whit of tenderness. The narcissistic mother is a one woman show. She expects her daughter to adore her. She is at center stage, demanding applause. Maria Riva, daughter of the famous screen siren, Marlene Dietrich, in the memoir of her mother, talks about her role as servant to her mother. Maria was always at Marlene’s disposal day and night for all of her mother’s life. She arranged her clothing for special occasions, parties and even spent hundred of hours on movie sets where Marlene was working. Maria, the brilliant little girl, survived by mirroring the ultra-self-absorbed Marlene perfectly. She learned from her earliest days that that was what she had to do to survive. Maria was told secrets and observed behaviors between her parents which were traumatic, especially for a small child. Narcissistic mothers never think of protecting their children. The child is another narcissistic supply and an unpaid servant. Her individual being is meaningless and insignificant. Maria Riva is an excellent writer and her memoir is superb in illustrating the true nature of the narcissistic mother.

Daughters of narcissistic mother have to fend for themselves unless they are the chosen golden girl who is raised like a member of royalty. For the narcissistic mother, this child is the ultimate narcissistic supply. Many of the chosen daughters become narcissistic. The cycle of destructive narcissism continues through another generation. Unchosen daughters grow up to fast. They never have real childhoods. They are always either cowering from mother’s threats, criticisms or psychological and physical blows or hiding like an invisible ghost along the corners of mother’s life, hoping and praying not to be discovered.

The psychological identities of these daughters are obscured by the giant shadow cast by the narcissistic mother. One of the goals of these daughters is to go deep within, acknowledge who they are as individuals, validate their uniqueness, express it and celebrate their lives. Achieving this goal may require the help of skillful psychotherapy, participation in support groups, the close ties of friends. Creative pursuits that free up the daughter from her family of origin and a consistent spiritual practice in the way that you define this, are powerful ways to re-claim your individuality and expand and grow a solid sense of the authentic self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Family Members of Narcissists-Abused-Discarded-Abandoned

The current societal climate rewards narcissists, especially high level ones, with stratospheric positions of power. Using their underplayed ruthlessness and a single minded focus they climb to the top by any means. Many in this culture worship economic status above personal character. It is fashionable even enviable to be a narcissist in some circles. Being overly full of oneself is expected—that’s called self confidence. Conscience is overrated. Why stay awake at night because someone who was naive was sacrificed for your benefit.

The painful destructive consequences to the personal lives of the narcissist’s victims don’t matter to a growing number in this culture. Children and spouses of narcissists pay a very high and often tragic price for being dumped and discarded. Narcissists never look back on their abandoned families. Once they are of no use, they cease to exist. Narcissists compartmentalize and have no real feelings of intimacy or compassion. With a whisper of conscience and a maniacal devotion to making money despite personal sacrifices of family members, the narcissist moves forward with warp speed, leaving misery, psychological devastation and tragedy in his/her wake.

Those who are left to put their lives together after the narcissist are psychologically bruised like soldiers who have been in the pitch of battle for years without respite. After the recognition and adjustment to being on their own, these brave warriors begin to reconstruct their lives. Their thoughts, feelings, inspirations, insights belong to them. No one is intefering with their mental processes or constantly criticizing them. They are free to make their own decisions and to seek those whom they can trust and who will facilitate their healing. Creating a life that is elegant in its simplicity, peaceful in its environment and embraces creativity, spontaneity, uses of the imagination and spirit represents the beginning of a renewed cycle of emotional and psychological growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist-Essential Parts Missing-Conscience-Insight-Compassion

The narcissist is an incomplete human being. He/she lives as a false self that is grandiose, extremely self entitled,deceptive and exploitive. Narcissists are deluded all of their lives and they cannot change. The narcissistic society rewards narcissists, especially those who are at high levels of power. Narcissistic elites rule by intimidation, social and business connections their extensive influence and their monetary power. Narcissist and ruthless have become synonymous terms.

Conscience, the capacity to distinguish what is right and wrong and to experience guilt when we have done harm to another is absent in the narcissist. These individuals do everything in their power not to get caught in their unethical and illegal deeds. Lack of conscience makes the narcissist’s movement toward his goals much easier. He/she doesn’t have to be concerned about the devastating effects of his misdeeds upon others. This includes family members: siblings, spouses, ex-spouses,children.

The narcissist lacks insight–the ability to examine and understand one’s inner mental process as well as the perception of others. Narcissists are incapable of introspection and lack insight. They live from an external perspective. Their image, the persona they project to the world, how much money they have accumulated, the power they wield over others—-these are their life priorities.

Above all the narcissist lacks compassion: “Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.” Narcissists have no compassion for their own children. Why would they care about any one else? They are consistently callous. There are exceptions when they are in the process of charming someone new in order to obtain power and control over a chosen victim. The spoils of these plots include monetary compensation as well as narcissistic supplies—praise and adulation.

One message I want to convey is that as much as you yearn for the narcissist to become compassionate, have a conscience and obtain insight–this is not going to happen, ever. The narcissist has a fixed personality disorder that formed early in childhood. The narcissist has no reason to change especially in this new age of narcissism which much of the population is striving to imitate.

You are a valuable unique individual. Follow your own path—forget what “society” is saying. What matters is the insights you are having every day. Keep faith with your self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-So Good at Making Spouses Feel Badly

I have had many communications with spouses of narcissists who have suffered emotionally and psychologically from these unions. Decade after decade they have stayed with these punitive often sadistic individuals. Why? for a variety of complex reasons. Some spouses have become so psychologically dependent on the offending spouse that they are afraid to leave. They worry about being alone. Often the narcissist has control over the finances and when the spouse asks for information, the narcissist flies into a classic rage. Narcissists don’t like being questioned. They are the rulers of their households.Spouses become uncomfortably accustomed to obeying to the letter their mates. As long as you are sharing you life with a narcissist, your world is fixed. You feel trapped. You try to distract yourself with movies, food, reading, frenetic shopping, casual friends. This works but only temporarily and there you are again staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night.

Reclaiming your life from the narcissist isn’t easy but it is worth it. Think carefully about all of your options. If you decide to sever your relationship legally, make sure you choose the finest attorney possible. Interview lawyers until you have found one who is highly experienced at family law and understands the tricks and games of the narcissist and their incredibly believable charm filled acts. Start thinking about the life you deserve to lead each day. Begin to calm your nervous system with relaxation, gentle yoga, aerobic exercise and meditation. Stay in contact with a friend whom you can trust (I’m talking about someone you can call at midnight and will be there for you). You are the author of your life—not the narcissist. As a result use all of your creativity, stamina, steadiness and perseverance to create the life that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Repetitive Narcissistic Exploitation II

Exploitation is the narcissist’s middle name. They are always using others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and other family members to get their needs met not yours. Narcissists don’t care,are not interested and are closed off to your needs. They are over-entitled and have no hesitation about making demands from you constantly. This puts their spouses and children in continual emergency red button mode. Every moment is a fire drill. We become emotionally depleted and in some cases physically ill. Take care of yourself . Set boundaries with the narcissist and be consistent. He or she will step over these lines, cajole you into letting them have their way, intimidate and humiliate you. Don’t give in. Keep your emotional, psychological and physical distance(if possible) from the narcissist. Being in their presence is poisoning to you emotionally and psychologically. If you must be in touch with them, learn to detach from them by not over-reacting to their lies and the dramas that follow if they don’t get what they want. Let them put up a fuss like a baby in a high chair throwing his peas all over the floor. Don’t let their tantrums and threats overrun you. Stay steady through a practice of stillness, relaxation techniques, gentle yoga and meditation.

I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center, making you lose your temper, on giving in. You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day—it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist’s repeated exploitive attempts.

Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Children of Narcissists-Innocent Victims

If we could have picked our parents we wouldn’t have chosen a narcissist as a mother or father. Narcissists cannot feel, care, have conscience or empathy for another human being, even a small child. They are capable of putting on a tremendous polished act but it is falls flat in the truth department. Some narcissistic parents choose a stand out child who is very attractive, bright, gifted in music, dance, art, etc. to be the chosen one in the family. The narcissistic mother or father will mold this son or daughter in his image. This child is treated differently from the others, is given great adulation, no limits on consideration to others and special treatment by the narcissistic parent. In other families the narcissistic parent treats all of the children in a dismissive manner. They are a bother to him/her. They are living puppets who are trotted out for company or who fill the family picture with forced smiling faces. I have known of a narcissistic parent who had a special wing built on his home for the children. Like a king at court they were tucked away in a separate abode and brought into his presence only when they could be used as narcissistic supplies to demonstrate to friends and others that he was a devoted father.

In some egregious cases, the narcissist fixates on battling over the children during the divorce process. He/she doesn’t give a damn about them and has never contributed to caring for them psychologically or emotionally but is caught up in the fight for ego purposes. This is one of the most painful experiences the non-narcissistic parent can experience for her children. I hear from spouses and ex-spouses who are going through this intolerable ordeal. It can be protracted; it is excruciating for the parent who truly loves the children.

We only need one good parent or parent substitute. Some individuals grow up all alone with only bare bones food and primitive shelter. No one pays any attention to them. They have never heard the voice of someone who loves them call their name. They have never felt safe and relaxed—even for one moment. They are scapegoats in the earliest years of grammar school and beyond. They live in a jungle of predatory human creatures.

A grandmother, aunt, a family friend can make all the difference in a child’s solid psychological foundation. If mother is the non-narcissistic parent, most of the burden is on her to provide a consistently loving, secure, predictable environment for her children. Some spouses are left financially vulnerable after the divorce. In some cases the narcissistic ex-husband makes life excruciating by insisting that he is a good father. Custody battles can be extended and this is very painful for the children and the responsible parent. In this crucial situation the non-narcissistic spouse does her best. She begins by keeping the welfare of her children upper most in her mind. In addition, it is essential that she has a strong sense of entitlement of her rights to live in an environment of peace and emotional well being. These courageous women and men are motivated by a strong unwavering love for their children. This is evident in the way they mother and father them each day. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Thickets of Lies

By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents’ psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn’t.

Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior—good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.

There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves—a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.

When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don’t recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist’s moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don’t make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the “right words” to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.

Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence–too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their “fine character” and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today’s society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.

Protect yourself from the narcissist’s lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.

Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com