Can You Say “No” to Elite Narcissist’s Seduction Offensive

From my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: “The high-level narcissist marches through his many geographies, conquering new territories, multiplying his limitless control of the outside world and the lives of those who touch his…The supernarcissist assesses each subject’s worth to him.  He plays upon their proclivities and weaknesses.”

Irresistible charm, charisma  external façade is flawless, impeccable, of the finest taste. There is a polished, finely finished look to the high level narcissist who spends inordinate times on his/her external image. For the high level narcissist, image is his reality.

The high level fuses with you psychologically and emotionally convincing you that you are the special chosen one they have always sought and finally found.

Sensual/sexual palpable energies  exuded by the high level narcissist. Those who are infatuated with these individuals fall under their spell and have a very difficult time, freeing themselves.

When things go wrong as a result of the narcissist’s chronic lying and deceptions, the high level cleverly devises a new, exciting detour for you to take with him or her. They keep you constantly distracted, especially those who lead glitzy lifestyles of glamour, power and riches.

You get to a point of recognizing that you as an individual have been lost to yourself, you represent and symbolize the magnificence of the high level narcissist.  You have come to a time of reckoning, a truth moment.

Can you now say “No” to the high level narcissist and regain your true authentic self. You are not an image; you are genuine. You are not obsessed with raw power and the accumulation of wealth for its own sake.

You can and will say Yes to your original self, the promise of the person you are and were meant to be. Come home to yourself, celebrate your unique creative gifts, the freedom and independence of your true nature, the promise of your original self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

Embrace Your Individuality

You knew that you were different from your family of origin. They insisted that you obey and conform. Many of you did because of the threat of punishments, shaming or recriminations. Despite intimidations you forged your own pathways in your mind, knew that you were unique, not part of this family, often narcissistic parents, and quietly took your own counsel.

Growing up in this family was very difficult and complex. But you forged ahead, sometimes slowly, feeling that you were in a trap and not knowing how to rescue yourself. Always you followed the light of your consciousness and paid close attention to the messages of your intuition which protected and inspired you. Sometimes there were a few individuals who understood and respected your individuality and encouraged your pursuits.

These are the qualities of the wonderful individual that you are:

Spontaneity, a unique genuine response to ourselves, others and our internal and external environments. The ability to express a variety of emotions including  joy, humor, sadness, compassion, awe.

Deep appreciation of Beauty, a source of inspiration and healing. We find beauty everywhere:  in the natural world, in the inner core of others,  in your spiritual practice (as you define), in Nature: the magic of the changing  seasons, the phases of the moon, the rhythm of the ocean’s waves, the tiniest bird’s nest, the beavers’ magnificent dams, great Art and Music that lifts you up and inspires you, inspires us, mystery and power of your spiritual practice as you define this,

Unleashing your creativity: remember who you are and are becoming.  What form does this take for you: sketching, painting, unedited writing,

Maintaining your strength and stamina: sleep, rest, eat nourishing food, movement and exercise that works for you. You are evolving; be kind with yourself!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Narcissistic Spouse Weakens Your Immune System

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person is highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under these extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change—-eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn’t want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist’s demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn’t matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can’t be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in you will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems.

First and foremost—Think about yourself first–the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don’t need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don’t have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Brazen, Boorish, Blaming Narcissistic Spouse

Married to a narcissistic personality you are constantly questioning the truth of your perceptions. The narcissist is clever and cunning at putting you on the defensive with intricate games of blame and intimidation.

The narcissist, a master manipulator, takes control of your relationship with him/her. This person is always “playing you.”  Although the narcissist is incapable of deep insights, he is keen in “reading” his partners – knowing about their wants, needs and desires. This is especially the case in the opening moves of the relationship. High level narcissists in particular engage in a game of romance. They “enchant” you with their hypnotic charm. It’s as if they are reading your mind.

You feel compelled to escape inside of the dream of being wanted, understood and valued. This is how the narcissist makes you feel during the early phases. Their power over the partner is particularly pronounced if they have chosen someone who has suffered from parental deprivation and abuse, treated as a child with neglect and coldness, feeling unwanted.

Coming across a prospective partner who is fascinated with you is irresistible. You feel pulled into the narcissist’s orbit. You have longed to have someone who focused their attention on to you in this magical way.  The high level narcissist is “gifted” at the psychological and emotional seduction.

Time passes and the mask of the narcissistic partner slips; you are on the receiving end of the narcissist’s true self: brazen, boorish, blaming.

The narcissistic personality affects a brazen manner – an attitude of extreme shameless self-entitlement.  The narcissist pulls the I’m superior act with you.

Another character trait appears: boorishness, a rude coarse quality and insensitivity to you as an individual.

The narcissist habitually shifts blame on to you when he is at fault and has caused you emotional pain.  Narcissists never take responsibility for their multiple cruelties. They are incapable of empathy or a developed conscience.

Sharing your days with a narcissistic partner you are continually in a state of siege, the fight or flight mode. Here there is no respite, inner peace or refuge. You feel your essential physical and psychological energies ebbing. Your creativity slows and you notice that you are always struggling just to feel some comfort, respite, solitude, a place to put yourself: body, mind, heart, soul.

You are studying the true nature of the narcissistic personality. The puzzle pieces are coalescing. You have reached a point of clear insight; your priorities are shifting to where they belong: the care and evolution of your authentic self, the renewal of honoring yourself as a valuable unique individual.

 

High Level Narcissists Believe They Are Godlike: Omnipotent, Omniscient

Narcissists have been accused of having the “god complex”, firmly believing that they are omnipotent – all powerful. Ironically in today’s barbarous culture of perverse self-entitlement, on the surface, for some, this appears to be the case. The high level narcissist has no limitations placed on him or her. Feted within their golden circles of influence and privilege, it can appear that these individuals can have whatever they want.
Deep inside in the unconscious the narcissist experiences a hollow, bleak, psychological emptiness, an arid wasteland of nothingness and meaninglessness. In brief moments the narcissist’s mask slips and he becomes consciously aware of this state. He uses powerful defense mechanisms of projection and denial to protect him from painful and disruptive feelings.

The narcissistic personality constellation is a defense against feelings of shame. Since the narcissist does not develop a conscience he or she is impervious to feelings of guilt.

With neither guilt nor shame “impeding” him, the narcissist moves adroitly along the pathways of his blind ambition. He lies constantly, betrays those who love him, steals their creative ideas and projects without a blink of conscience or regret, exploits those who are emotionally weaker as a means of controlling and forcing them to bend to his will.

The high level narcissist will wipe you out financially without a scintilla of concern about your psychological welfare. You are simply a steppingstone to his goals of ultimate power and control.

I hear from individuals who have partnered or married high level narcissits or children of narcissistic parents. Their stories are gut-wrenching.

Awakening to the true reality of the narcissistic personality you will separate out of these non-relationships, put yourself first and move forward along your own pathways.

Make full use of your gifts of creativity, resilience, insight, intuition and compassion.

Each day you are evolving. Start with the basics: sleep, rest, nourishing food, movement/exercise, Nature, Beauty, meditation your way.

Notes to Unique, Precious Empaths

You are the child who was never understood. You are a highly sensitive individual who perceives inner and outer reality on the most minute levels.
You remember from childhood often feeling overwhelmed. Loud noises and crowds were very distressing. While other family members were excited by social events, you had a very difficult time being in groups. You found many of the children to be aggressive and loud. Even attending a children’s birthday party was unsettling. The noise of groups was difficult for you from the beginning.

Some empaths as children find meaning and comfort in solitude, in their own company. They spend hours reading books, walking in Nature, writing in a journal, sketching and drawing. With a vivid imagination the child empath travels everywhere in his mind.

At night you were afraid of the dark and needed a night light on even as you grew older.
As a very small child you picked up the psychological and emotions and vibrations of others. You read their unconscious and knew what was hidden behind the mask of the face
Growing up in a narcissistic family is particularly difficult for the empath. The narcissistic mother or father imposed his will and chose roles for each child. There is the golden one who has been selected to mirror and represent the family image.
From the beginning you didn’t fit into your narcissistic family. You were so different from the other members. It was like you came from another world and wondered how you ended up with this group of people who shared your DNA. You never felt at home with the narcissistic family members.

As you moved into adulthood you began to appreciate your differentness. You appreciated your deep intuitions, inspirations and creativity.
Empaths never fit in to the society at large. This is particularly true currently. There are so many narcissistic personalities who are thriving in our aggressive culture. Without conscience the narcissist treats the empath with disrespect, viewing them as weak and fragile.

You come to a time of awakening, a deep appreciation of your true nature. You no longer care about being accepted by the society at large and its circles of influence.
You cannot compromise the pure gold of your authentic self. You find individuals who appreciate you true nature and whom you can trust. There are just a few but this is sufficient.

Your creative gifts expand and deepen. You find yourself creating whole worlds out of your imagination and intuition. You dispense with the notion that you need others to understand you. You are different and precious —the pearl of great price, the true authentic self. Embrace your individuality, deep compassion, intuition and fine perceptions.
Be kind and protective of yourself with: good sleep, rest, movement/exercise, spending time in Nature, nourishment, lovely music, following the unique pathway of your creativity in all of its forms.

Oops! Your Covert Narcissism Is Showing

Individuals who are adult children of narcissistic parents, spouses of narcissists, ex-spouses and siblings of narcissistic personalities are often victimized for long periods of time before they recognize that they are not to blame for the the psychological and emotional pain perpetrated by them. (This blog post refers to male and female narcissists).

So often we wave off the intuitive truth about the intrinsic nature of the covert narcissist who is making our lives a moment to moment excruciating experience. Over and over again we are mired in the mud of deceit, manipulation, exploitation, endless lying, psychological ambushes of every length and degree of agony.

All along the covert narcissist expands the velocity and depth of his psychological assaults on his victims. These individuals become mired in anxiety, fear and guilt. They are slowly worn down and exhausted. As they become more emotionally fragile, they are likely to bow to the steel willed, merciless, ruthless machinations of the covert narcissist.

Eventually, you become clearly receptive to incredible moments of repeated insights along with reading in depth about the true nature of the covert narcissist.  During this time, victims of these cruelties finally say to themselves – “Oops, your covert narcissism is showing!” This is the moment of truth that comes through your consciousness to rescue you from years of repetitive psychological, emotional and financial abuse.

Hold on to the golden cord of your intuitive insights, the diligence of your research and your courageous, strong, fine character.

This is the time of reckoning. Your life is turning around and now you have the opportunity to move on the road to your psychological, emotional and spiritual evolution.

Give yourself tremendous credit for the life experiences you have endured and survived. You deserve every great kudo! Take very good care of yourself each day. Get the best sleep, hydrate, balance great nutrition with exercise that works for you. Align yourself with individuals of character who care about you. Rest when you need it, listen to lovely music and always laugh at each magic opportunity. You are terrific!

 

Narcissistic/Sociopathic Siblings—Forever Cruel

One would think that if you share the same DNA with your brother or sister the two of you would hold many similar human values: capacity and demonstration of empathy and kindness, having a well developed conscience, being respectful to other human beings and thinking of the needs of others rather than total self absorption.

This is not the case with narcissistic siblings whether they are golden children or not. If you look back you can tell that this brother or sister was dominating and intimidating you from the beginning. Remember the pinching of your little hands and arms, stomping on your feet, the pulling of your hair, the ugly frightening words that scared you into doing everything their way. Many parents are oblivious to these cruelties. Some mothers and fathers are narcissists. They adore the golden child torturer and don’t give a damn what this cruel cunning beast does to you. Their focus is on the perfect chosen one that acts as a narcissistic supply and impeccable mirror to keep their egos fully inflated.

The following is a true example of what I witnessed over time in a household where the golden child ruled like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Those of you who have been tyrannized by a sibling of this kind understand all too well. From early childhood this daughter was allowed by her parents to demand, scream, bribe, cajole and threaten her younger brother and sister. If they didn’t cave in to her wishes all hell broke loose.  The parents were terrified of “upsetting” their little darling and capitulated to her wishes. This relinquishing of their roles was pivotal in creating a narcissistic personality disorder.With a sense of no limits, “You can do nothing wrong attitude”, “we are afraid to impose respectful behavior on you”—she grew in outrageous demands and reprehensible behavior.   When the parents were out of sight, she was free to shove, push, squeeze and hit them. The secret threat to the terrified child was: “If you say one word to mom or dad—I will hit you even harder. They love and believe me not you. Shut your mouth, don’t say a word–If you disobey me, you will be very sorry.”

For you to heal from this abuse requires the recognition that you were victimized by a very disturbed human being. You are not weak. Your sibling is a severe narcissistic personality disorder and in some cases, a socialized sociopath. If you haven’t already, go no contact with this narcissistic scourge. Taking this step, you are renewing your own life, valuing yourself as a unique individual and gaining a sense of respite and inner peace that you deserve. Do this for yourself. Do not be concerned what other family members think or say. This is your business not theirs. If mother and father are perplexed about your decision that is their issue. They never protected you.

You can heal from the narcissistic and/or sociopathic  sister or brother who caused you horrendous pain and fear. For some, working with a highly qualified and empathic therapist is part of the process. Be sure you research and interview psychotherapists. It is well worth it. Many therapists are fine and qualified but there are others who are focusing on the business side of therapy and some psychotherapists are narcissistic personalities.

Learning how to calm your body and mind through guided meditation, gentle hatha yoga and other healing modalities gets you in touch with that interior part of yourself that learns to experience inner peace and security.

Healing and individuating out of your family of origin is a lifelong process. You will begin to value yourself as  a unique individual who has many creative gifts. You will find others with whom you can truly communicate and who have deep empathy. Your sense of humor will return. You will seek beauty in life whether it is in art or the natural world. Appreciating beauty on a deep level is essential to healing and a wonderful opportunity that we have to be completely human.

Immunizing Yourself Against Narcissistic Abuse

Our physical immune systems are a wonder. If we maintain them, they are constantly fending off diseases and infections of all kinds. We are in charge of our immune health. We learn how to eat foods that will support the immune system and avoid others that will suppress our powerful defenses. Our daily habits strengthen the immune system. The exercise that we do on a regular basis boosts our immune systems. Making efforts to get quality sleep is another source of strengthening this  protective function that enhances our physical well being. I use this example to explain that we can develop an immunity to further narcissistic abuse. Of course if we don’t have a professional obligations to be around narcissists, we avoid them. They are a toxic presence. There are growing numbers of narcissists every day. We find them in our spouses, siblings, parents and with our bosses and co-workers. The narcissist has no incentive to change. At this time of growing acceptance of narcissists in our current society, we have to learn to deal with them. They are not going away and they have no reason to change. They experience themselves as perfect and others as inferior and defective.

We build psychological immunity by first understanding and appreciating who we are. It is not the sum of our accomplishments in the world. It is based on the strength and integrity of our character and our capacity to know and seek the truth. It is recognized in our efforts to move beyond the compelling narcissistic delusion that you can be ruthless, cruel, merciless, without conscience and destroy others as long as you win.

Don’t be surprised at the number of people who follow and are true believers of narcissists. They crave being a member of the inner circle even if they are infrequently thrown crumbs or are honored to kiss the ring of the anointed. They have thrown away their identities, strapped themselves to the narcissist for the E ticket ride. They will do anything to be identified with this person. They believe that he or she is a good human being because of outside trappings and the wielding of power over others.

The focus is on developing and evolving as an individual who is solid and strong. Some who have been victimized find that psychotherapy is helpful in building a therapeutic alliance with a professional and developing trust, being heard and understood. If you go in this direction, do you research and trust your observations and reactions to prospective therapists. Remember you are hiring them to help you with your life.

If you are verbally attacked by a narcissist who is a family member, an acquaintance, an ex-spouse, learn to detach from their inappropriate, incendiary comments and criticisms. First, you don’t have to respond to such cruelty in the first place. Some statements are so delusional that they do not deserve engagement —silence on your part can be golden, when the narcissist knows you mean it. There are times when you make the decision to defend yourself. There are many replies to toxic questions and queries and cruel statements. Make your statement clear and short. Do not re-engage the narcissist. That’s what he’s waiting for—to pull you back in. One good response to inappropriate queries is: ” I don’t respond to personal questions.”

One of the best ways to immunize yourself is to create an internal space inside that cannot be penetrated by the attacker. Develop habits and routines that you consistently use to quiet your body and mind. Regular exercise that works for you is one of them. Getting sufficient sleep and eating good foods strengthen the body, mind and psyche. Following your creative track is inspirational and empowering. It separates you further from the narcissist’s arrowed quiver of recriminations, manipulations, deceptions and blatant cruelties. Learn to go within, using a way of  stilling the mind that works for you. It can be a form of guided meditation, chanting, gentle yoga with emphasis on the breathing, keeping a private journal, etc. Develop a small but faithful support system. These are people you can count on when you are discouraged, worn out, burned out and when you feel alone. The listening ear of a supportive person is one of the most powerful forms of psychological immunization you can have.

Search for and follow your dreams. Allow you mind to move unchoreographed and free. You will be surprised at the results of this practice.

 

Divorcing A Narcissist–Plan Your Exit Strategy in Advance

In the emotional chaos of a marriage to a narcissist that has soured and become very ugly, it is difficult to think clearly about how to make an exit that will benefit you the most. First, pay close attention to the signals and red flags you have been getting all along that the person you married is a narcissist. He/she is self absorbed, selfish, given to rages, secretive, a chronic liar (who plays the part beautifully) manipulative, exploitive and completely lacks empathy. You have seen these behaviors throughout the years and they are escalating. If you have researched this personality disorder, you have all of the information you need to make your decision. You can stay with this person and talk yourself into believing that he is going to change at some time down the road or be convinced that you can alter him. This is never going to happen because this disorder is fixed. The false self of the narcissist develops very early and the defense mechanisms these individuals use are impervious to change. They believe that they are superior, perfect and over-entitled. They have no motivation to change.

If you decide to break up the relationship, do all of your homework in advance and detail. Interview several attorneys and choose one who has a lot of experience with divorce and has worked with clients who have this personality profile. Your attorney needs to be highly self confident, well trained, intuitive about human nature, have superior communication skills and an excellent legal temperament for times when the narcissist and his attorney come down very hard. This is the time of reckoning when your attorney is being tested and will either win with flying colors or fail to represent you properly. Get all of your financial records in order. Get your support group in place of friends you can completely trust–one is enough. Keep yourself in good physical condition. Do cardiovascular exercise like walking or going to the gym. Do not wear yourself out. Get quality sleep and make sure that you following an eating plans that provides your body with the nutrients it requires. Dial down the fight or flight syndrome with practices like gentle yoga poses, forms of meditation that work for you. Appreciate what you are doing. Don’t share your exit plan with anyone unless you are sure you can trust them completely. I know you can do this. You are beginning a new cycle of your life that is richer, deeper, more meaningful, creative and peaceful.