Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

There are many women who juggle their time, sleep, energy and personal lives every day to take care of their children. They love them very much and work so hard. Many of these women do it all alone and do it well. They don’t have a private life; they don’t have fun very often. Their focus is providing a home, food, clothing and schooling for their children. Many of these women have been abandoned by husbands or partners who are totally irresponsible and don’t care about their children. They are off to the next big excitement–another woman they will victimize. .

There are gifted highly ambitious women with tremendous drive and motivation to reach the top to the pinnacle of their careers. This is commendable. Women have worked very hard throughout the centuries to get their just share of professional success and compensation.

I am specifically speaking about the route the narcissistic mother takes. Having a child or two is part of enhancing her image and being able to tell herself and every one else: “I do it all.” I have a very successful career, I am climbing to the top; I have two wonderful kids.” She waxes dramatically, showing the photographs of her darling children to everyone. If you ask some of these narcissistic women what happens when they come home at ten o’clock in the evening, their children are already asleep. She goes into their rooms, kisses them quietly and shuts their doors to work some more. In the morning these narcissistic mothers are rushing their children out the door to daycare. Everything is hurried—a quick kiss, a fast drive to the babysitter and this woman is off to her life goal—reaching the highest rung in her professional life.

Why do these narcissistic women have children. A child is one of the greatest narcissistic supplies of all when you are molding a perfect image and facade. On the outside, everyone thinks these women are heroines. Behind closed doors, the children suffer from intolerable maternal deprivation and know that they are not loved and were never wanted. They are pawns, chess pieces to be manipulated. To take an innocent, helpless baby and to abandon him/her to daycare or a babysitter when this child is weeks old is a travesty. Narcissistic women are mothers in name only. There are narcissistic mothers who do not have specific careers and still do not raise their children. In an unguarded moment these women will tell you that they were bored sick, staying home with an infant. They needed to get back into the excitement and dynamism of their careers. It didn’t matter if their children were very young. Some narcissistic mothers are careless about checking out quality child care as long as they can get back to their priority—-themselves. Narcissistic mothers are selfish, highly controlling and cold. Their self absorption knows no end. On weekends when they could be with their children, they have too much work demanding their attention and hire extra babysitters so that they can shop and enjoy themselves without the encumbrance of small children.

No one wants to talk about the damage that narcissistic mothers do to their children. Some of them bitch about the small amounts of time they interact with their kids and find it very irritating. What is the husband doing. Quite often he is narcissistic as well and obsessed with his career. People can do whatever they wish in becoming powerful in the world, experts in their fields, fighting all of the corporate battles to the top.But something profound happens when you have a child. This current society has given narcissistic mothers a complete pass. It has become perfectly acceptable to have children and not raise them or form a close attachment to babies who didn’t ask to be brought into the world.

I hope that with the exposure of the true nature of the narcissist that many individuals will finally recognize the incalculable harm perpetrated by narcissistic mothers. I ask the question that remains hanging in the air: Why are you having children if you are not going to take care of them ? I don’t hear any answers. I don’t hear: “I made a mistake.” I should not have had children.” or I know they missed a lot in my absence. They’ve been cheated. I am very sorry.”

Narcissistic mothers are not the least bit concerned about the psychological damage they are doing every day. Twenty years from now, they will want this child fixed!!! A child is not a machine with parts that can be replaced. Some psychological damage is so profound that adult children of narcissistic mothers suffer for much of their lives. I hear from them and they have paid a dear price for their narcissistic mother’s ruthless abandonment of her child and the idea that she would choose to have children for the single purpose of building and enhancing her priceless golden image. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most challenging and daunting experiences. In many cases, the narcissist takes the bit in his/her mouth and goes for all of the marbles. He/she insists on financial resources and property that are owned in common. The narcissistic spouse suddenly decides that he wants access to his children most of the time. He throws out lies constantly, makes every effort to destroy the personal and professional reputations of his former spouse.

A divorce can be a hectic procedure as a separation from the one you love, can never be easy. But what is most important is your happiness and peace of mind. With the assistance of an attorney who specializes in family law and who understands the ruthless, controlling behaviors of the narcissistic personality you will be guided through this often arduous process. Contacting a divorce lawyer in Denver CO (if you live in the vicinity), would be prudent if you are considering the idea.

For so long, often decades, your life—every aspect of it has been eclipsed by the selfish, duplicitous, controlling, enraged severe personality disorder. When you are free from this constricted way of life, you will begin to recognize that you can make your own decisions, expand and deepen all of your creative gifts, find ways of encouraging your inner peace through a variety of modalities—forms of calming the mind and body–meditation, gentle hatha yoga, joining support groups that focus on healing after divorce.

The mind and body are designed to heal. When we provide ourselves with the right internal and external environments and individuals who are supportive of the process we are going through, we will grow, taking back our identities as unique individuals. Your confidence will return. Your creativity will be re-launched. Your life goals will become a source of hope and great anticipation. You have begun a new cycle of life—a hopeful and encouraging. You have prevailed. Celebrate this new beginning. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

All of your life you have been told what to do by overbearing narcissistic family members. You find yourself in your thirties, forties and beyond still trying to please mother, father, sister, brother—the family narcissists. You have tried everything to please them, to make them proud of you, to always try your very best. It was and is never enough—-And It Never Will Be because you are dealing with individuals who have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. You will always be blamed for their mistakes, their cruelties, their misfortunes. You will be subjected to an endless stream of humiliations, accusations, verbal attacks and outright lies about your character. They will and have talked about you behind your back. One of the worst labels that narcissistic family members use is that you are “crazy.” That gives everyone they speak with a jolt. “They are a wonderful family, except for that ‘crazy daughter’ of theirs. I feel so sorry for them. It is such an embarrassment.” I have communicated with many daughters and sons enmeshed in narcissistic families who have described this experience exactly as I am writing it. In effect the narcissistic family is projecting their psychopathology on to a scapegoated child. This is often a child who is highly sensitive, intelligent and emotionally vulnerable. He or she has had to wear this dreadful label. Some children grow up and believe that they must be crazy since that is how they have been treated. The pain they endure is intolerable.

Fortunately, in many instances the scapegoated child, now grown, accesses the truth about herself/himself and recognizes that it is the family that is highly disturbed not her/him. Some of these children spend a great deal of time trying to understand what happened to them, do research about the psychopathology in narcissistic families and get professional help. Within the security and healing environment of good psychotherapy they get in touch with their true selves. They recognize and appreciate who they are and have been all of their lives–an individual of value and uniqueness with many creative gifts and a new cycle of life that is awaiting them. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

It is remarkable how often narcissists project their filthy venom on to others (Except those they are grooming to become part of their cult of personality and power). If you already know that an individual is a narcissist, protect yourself in advance. One of the first rules is not to be alone with them—that’s when they go deeply cruel and dirty. They feel that they have you cornered and they pin you with a stealth attack. You feel it coming out of no where and say to yourself: “What the hell was that?” You think to yourself and wonder if you actually heard what this person was saying. Narcissists making these malevolent moves are over the top so steer clear of being with them, especially solo. If you know you will be in their presence, prepare ahead of time. Remind yourself of their specific psychopathology. They may be you sibling, in-law, parent, etc.—but above all they are a narcissistic personality disorder and their character profile in not going to change—ever. Do not blame yourself. These ugly projections are actually unconscious psychological material that they cannot contain themselves and are throwing your way. Learn how to practice detachment. One of the ways of becoming more detached is through some form of quieting the mind. Meditation offers us many opportunities for calming the mind. Find of way of calming yourself and your mind that works for you. This provides us with the capacity to have a more balanced perspective and not to overreact to someone else’s drama. Always remind yourself that you deserve respect and consideration as an individual. Give yourself a lot of credit for learning about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many mother-in-laws are kind, compassionate wonderful human beings. I am talking specifically about mother-in-laws who have narcissistic personality disorder. An overbearing narcissistic matriarch can wreak havoc in every aspect of your childrens’, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law and grandchildren lives. Narcissists are above all very controlling. Very clear psychological boundaries must be created in dealing with these individuals. They may dramatize, lie, try to sabotage members of her family who don’t go along with her iron will. What you don’t want to do is overreact to these individuals. Also it is essential that you is recognize how tyrannical and relentless these individuals can be. Be clear through your actions that you respect yourself. If the matriarch gets out of line, clearly and quietly use clear, measured communication in dealing with her. She expects to intimidate you and everyone else. In some cases she causes other family members to become a part of her narcissistic delusion. Remember that you are part of a family but ultimately a separate individual who deserves to be treated with respect and truthfulness. If the situation gets out of hand due to the narcissistic mother-in-law’s extreme encroachments on your privacy, sense of freedom and inner peace, it may be necessary to sever your relationship with this person. You know the truth about yourself and are keenly aware of the destructiveness of the narcissistic personality. If you are married to the son of the narcissistic matriarch it is part of his role as your spouse to make sure that you are treated with respect. You are married to him not his mother. It takes a strong sense of self to deal with these psychologically disruptive individuals. Stick to you principles, remain calm and psychologically detached. Trust your intuition. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person is highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under these extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change—-eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn’t want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist’s demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn’t matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can’t be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in you will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems.

First and foremost—Think about yourself first–the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don’t need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don’t have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In one of Shakespeare’s greatest plays, Hamlet, in the first scene the ghost of his father appears and speaks to Hamlet. The father has been poisoned by his brother, Claudius. The dead father says: “One may smile and smile and be a villain.” In similar ways the thousand watt smile of the narcissist comes to mind—the penetrating, unblinking gaze looking you over, taking you in. The smile that caresses you, that wants to possess you. Narcissists are masterful at fusing psychologically with their next living narcissistic supply, you. The gaze is riveting; you cannot look away. The communication there in the air is so strong that you are indispensable to them. The are making the seduction complete. You feel like abdicating your will to them. In the back of your mind a voice is saying: “There is danger here. This is a masterful act. Wake up, Recognize this man.”

This scenario takes place not only in plays but in every day life when the narcissist decides he wants something from you and is determined to get it. The best way to recognize the narcissistic personality disorder is through your study of this character disorder. You discover that these personalities are severely pathological, fixed, not likely to change. Narcissists are pervasive in our society today. The endings of these “plays”, like Hamlet, are not happy ones. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Some adults still suffer from the trauma they experienced as small children as a result of the brutality of a narcissistic older sister. From the beginning the younger child was frightened, even from babyhood. Often parents tend to ignore these activities or don’t even notice them because THEY ARE DONE IN SECRET. When the baby cries the older sister makes an excuse and says that the baby is fussy or hungry. So many parents, especially those who are narcissistic and completely fixated on their own precious lives, believe this narcissistic monster child of theirs. These terrifying and traumatizing incidents can occur hundreds of times throughout the victim’s childhood and the perversity and cruelty of the narcissistic older sister is never addressed. The victimized child has been living in a war zone of covert and overt activity all of her life. As they grow older, the victimized child often find ways of being invisible. She leaves the house frequently to be with friends, goes to the library or even finds good hiding places in the house. There have been horrendous occasions when the older sister has invited friends over when the parents are not home for the sole purpose of taunting and terrorizing the younger siblings. I have known of cases of small children lock in closets, forced to eat food that made them sick, being the object of cruel jokes, placed in the dark while tied with rope. These memories do not fade. Even as adults daughters victimized by narcissistic older sister still cringe at the thoughts of what happened to them and especially that no one, especially a parent had any awareness of these horrendous ongoing patterns of physical, psychological and emotional abuse.

As adults the victimized child often decides to sever her relationship with the narcissistic perpetrator. All she has known from this person is the infliction of terror, humiliation and abuse. Narcissistic parents often blame the victim and rally around the narcissistic older sister since she is the golden chosen one who can do no wrong. In these cases the child who has suffered so much leaves her entire family behind. Many of them are able to benefit from skilled psychotherapy, learn to trust and form an therapeutic alliance with the therapist and begin to heal from a form of post traumatic stress they have experienced for many years. In the process of healing, many of these individuals discover the value of their true selves and learn to appreciate and nurture themselves as well as finding people they can trust and form close relationships. The road to healing has many ups and downs but on the other side is leading life that you have always deserved. Finally you feel secure and at peace; you have the energy and strength to recognize and apply your special creative gifts and to fulfill your great potential. You deserve our deepest respect and honor. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt of his cruel projections. He is in constant denial about reality. He insists you view everything from his distorted perspective–how you lead your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have, even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they are greeted like heroes–a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by his adoring inner circle. What happens in private is totally different—and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is no longer singing;he is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist’s delusion and doesn’t understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.

There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:”Do I want to continue living this way?” “My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive–” At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel—they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The holidays are an emotionally charged time for most people There are so many memories–happy, sad, tragic, nostalgic that lead to powerful feelings. It is so tempting to give in to our many impulses, including renewing our previous romantic relationships. We feel a longing to be back with a person who was very special to us. We idealize this individual in our minds, remembering the great times we had with them. Our vision of the past becomes very rosy and we want to grab our phone or text or email and connect with this individual again.

If this man or woman is a narcissist, this is a very bad idea. First, the narcissist, regardless of the time that has passed, has not changed. These personality disorders are fixed; he or she has not changed. They know how to put on a perfect act and how to draw you in psychologically and romantically. Ultimately, you will be hurt again. Remember what made this man or woman an “ex” in the first place. You discovered that this person has severe problems with extreme self entitlement, complete lack of empathy, total self absorption, deception, chronic lying and manipulation. Refresh your memory before you walk through that door again. This is not easy especially if we are feeling lonely and sad. Be kind to yourself about your feelings. Do not be judgmental about them. But also be clear with yourself about the true nature of your narcissistic ex. You cannot go there again.

You made the separation and break with them out of your own best interests. You have freed you life up to be the evolving, creative, strong individual that you are now. Your intuition is telling you that you have moved too far ahead to regress backwards. Have faith in yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for the progress along the new road toward renewal you are traveling. Have a wonderful holiday. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com