Month: August 2015

Put Yourself First–Heal from the Narcissistic Spouse

I have found that those who are married to and divorcing narcissists have always put other people in their lives first. They are highly empathic individuals who take care of others. Many of them have narcissistic mothers and/or fathers and learn early that they must obey, dance to the tune of highest expectations, demands, recriminations, threats. “Be perfect or else” was the message they received from the narcissistic mom or dad. As a result these individuals are always in a state of fight or flight. They can’t relax. They become people pleasers and serve others. They don’t learn to give to themselves even when they are feeling ill, exhausted and completely worn out psychologically and emotionally.

Some children of narcissists develop chronic illnesses due to all of the stress, parental deprivation and abuse. I have heard from many of these survivors of the narcissist family wars.

Instead of choosing a partner who will love, appreciate and cherish them, children coming from these pathological backgrounds readily take the bait of the ever so charming magnetic irresistible narcissist. We are inclined to repeat patterns of behavior learned in childhood. These are survival modes that are very powerful. Don’t blame yourself if you have married a narcissist. It is not your fault. You couldn’t have known that you were getting into this dreadful “relationship” that would cause you untold suffering.

Once you recognize and know that you are married to a narcissistic personality and understand that he or she cannot change and have made the decision to divorce, go forward with a detailed  well thought out plan.  The essential part of this process is to put yourself first. You are not going to please the narcissist ever–even if you are perfect!

Pay attention to every detail of your plan of action. Part of this process is your healing practice. This is the first time in your life that you have watched out for yourself.  Take courage in this new freedom road you are constructing. The psychological terrain is unfamiliar–putting yourself first. Know that you are creating new neuronal pathways in your mind, that your body is strengthening, that you will is deepening, that your creativity is thriving—all of your engines are moving along with a new sound–a fine music that you are now hearing. You will become more familiar with this real self that has been inside of you all of the time. Embrace it–love it, find refuge and peace here. This is the thriving original authentic creative lively true self!

Narcissist’s Boundless Hubris in Marriage and Divorce

Hubris–extreme arrogance, haughtiness, high-handedness–describes much of the narcissistic spouse’s deeply ingrained personality style. With no sense of limits, psychological boundaries, one scintilla of empathy or a developed conscience, the narcissist drives in the fast lane of life, weaving in and out, putting everyone else in various forms of psychological, emotional and financial jeopardy. This is especially the case with spouses of narcissists who are married to them or going through the travails of a divorce. (This post refers to female and male narcissists).

I have found that some of the loveliest human beings are married to or divorcing narcissists or narcissistic ex’s. Often the spouse of the narcissist is highly empathic.  I have heard innumerable life stories of the cruelest pain perpetrated on the spouse.  Without a conscience the narcissist is free to do whatever he wishes, to get every prize by cheating, lying, demeaning, intimidating—threatening to vanquish those in his way. Unfortunately, acting boorish and obnoxious often works. The narcissist’s over the top confidence is perceived as strength and mastery in this age of extreme pathological narcissism.

The narcissist is determined to “get to you”–to weaken and annihilate you psychologically in some egregious cases. He is determined to make you lose your temper and explode or to make you cry uncontrollably or to act out in an irrational way.  He is setting traps for your emotional and psychological vulnerabilities all of the time, especially during a divorce. The narcissist is determined and knows that he is entitled to the “spoils” of the marriage—property, investments, bank accounts (even if they are joint ones) and in many cases, he is counting on having the children as his ready narcissistic supplies. Narcissists are very bored with raising children and they only care about the progeny that are very attractive, bright, athletic, filled with charm and high level confident social skills.

A wife or child is a commodity to the narcissist, a way to get re-circulating narcissistic supply. When the wife is no longer fulfilling this voracious need, she is dismissed cruelly and replaced by a younger model. If the replacement has excellent social connections, an incredibly successful career and family money, all the better. The same is true of a female narcissist who is replacing a now hapless, boring husband.

There are no limits or humaneness as the narcissist ruthlessly and brazenly moves through the divorce process. All agreements are off, then on, then postponed.  The narcissist feels superior even to the attorneys and judges he encounters. He is the all knowing brilliant wise person. No one is superior to his perfection. This grandiosity works in this age of inflated egos.

Never be surprised at the outrageousness of the narcissist. Doing in-depth research gives you a detailed picture of these individuals. The research and clinical longitudinal studies and the many years of study indicate that the narcissistic personality is not inclined to change.

Once you are in the process of extricating yourself from the narcissist, take heart in who you are as an individual and give yourself tremendous credit for taking this courageous step. Put your self care first. Some spouses find that high quality psychotherapy helps them move through this process. Maintaining a strong and resilient support system is key to keeping the faith that you will be free and intact to  lead the life that you deserve. Various practices–gentle hatha yoga, guided meditation, acupuncture that calms the nervous system, your form of exercise, the healing power of Nature, etc. are all keys to your success throughout this major shift in your life.

 

Divorcing A Narcissistic Physician–A Waking Nightmare

I have had communications with many women and men who are divorcing narcissistic physicians. (This post refers to male and female narcissistic doctors).

There are innumerable physicians who save lives and improve the health of their patients. They are dedicated, highly informed and gifted at their professions.

In this post I am speaking about divorcing narcissistic physicians. Imagine that you are married to a narcissistic doctor and going through a very nasty prolonged divorce. Some of you have been there and can attest to the relentless, painful unforgiving aspects of going through this series of battles.

Narcissistic doctors, especially those who are highly successful make very large incomes. The amounts are even larger today with the cost of healthcare rising astronomically. One of the scenarios that I hear repeatedly is that with the narcissistic physician you often have a pronounced Jekyll/Hyde series of personality traits. The doctor is above reproach publically. In private he/she is full of volcanic rage, has low impulse control, continually projects his venom on to spouses and children, is obsessively controlling– checking to see who, what, where the spouse is at all times.

Narcissistic doctors play around a lot. Some have more than one affair going at a time. Since they have no conscience this kind of deception or any other doesn’t bother them. After all, as long as their precious egos are getting boosted and no one finds out, what is there to worry about.

Narcissists are full of deceit and duplicity. They continually manipulate and intimidate their spouses and children. They are hypocrites and know how to act like “good people.” This is part of a contrived persona that enhances their image even further.

Divorcing a narcissistic physician takes a lot of detailed planning, regular self care and a divorce team that is competent, knowledgeable, savvy, available, understands the personality traits of the narcissistic personality and is highly experienced at strategies that work with these toxic individuals.

I know of men and women who went through this process on their own without much outside help of any kind–including having to deal with a series of incompetent attorneys. This is truly remarkable. I have tremendous respect for these individuals. They never gave up. They kept going each day–one at a time. They made strategic decisions, protected their children, maintained control over themselves despite even being balled out by other attorneys, counselors, mediators, etc. They were determined to win and were up for the marathon battle.

Start by giving yourself fully earned credit for who you really are–Honor your true self. Don’t blame yourself for having married a narcissistic physician. You could never have known who this person was. Stop making self judgments. Those I know who have come through this process learned to let go of this kind of mind set. They kept themselves in a positive, ready for combat and self contained frame of mind as often as possible. Don’t be judgmental about your meltdowns–You are human after all.

The narcissist is always waiting for you to cave in and will do anything to throw you over. You can surprise even the narcissistic physician. Forget all of his medical training, the schools he/she attended and his walls of degrees. Remember that beneath the grandiose extremely self entitled false self, there is a highly damaged, psychologically empty, true self that is very regressed. You are the adult in this situation. You have the fine character, courage, psychological and emotional intelligence and the deep intuition to move forward in this process and your life.

If you have access to support, use it. Lean on those whom you trust. There may just be a few. I find that this is all we need, especially in this time of your need. Most of all, be kind to yourself.

Narcissistic Spouses Hiding the Assets

If you are seriously thinking about divorcing your narcissistic husband/wife, don’t give any indication–verbal or nonverbal that this is your intention. Narcissists are incapable of introspection or insight but they are uncanny in detecting when you are on to them and headed for divorce court. Be sure that you have made detailed plans to protect your personal assets and the part of the shared property, investments, bank accounts, etc to which you are entitled. Research and interview more than one attorney. Personal recommendations can be of great value but an individual that is effective for one person may not be successful in your situation. Make a clear appraisal. The attorney must be highly skilled in his/her field. In addition he must have a clear understanding of the character traits of the narcissistic personality. That doesn’t mean he must be an expert. He needs to be very savvy about highly manipulative people who lie, have no conscience, are completely ruthless and are dirty players. Expect the opposing attorney to be very tough, chronically lie, be highly manipulative and intimidating. He/she has a charming and go below the belt if he/she can get away with it.

One of the most common schemes of the narcissist is to put all of the assets including properties, bank accounts, stocks in his name. I have communicated with spouses who were absolutely stunned to find out that their financial security had beenr ripped away from them years before they decided to seek a divorce. Don’t put anything past the narcissist. It is strategically wise to play his role–think the way he does. How is he plotting to ruin you financially. What schemes does he have up his sleeve. Is he talking to gullible family members against you? Is he using a business partner to hold his assets (and yours) as a way of playing “I don’t have anything–You can’t get money out of a stone.”

Once you make the decision to go ahead with the divorce, don’t get pulled in the narcissist’s empty promises—this is a ruse, an undertow that will pull you back down.

Form a strong support group. Seek psychotherapy if you think it will help you through the process. Be sure you choose a therapist who is not a narcissist–Yes there are some who are in this profession.

Choose healing routines–gentle yoga poses, slow stretching with the breath that is relaxing and loosens tightened muscles, spend time with Nature–it is healing. Spend time with a few people whom you trust and are there for you. There are some  high quality guided meditation tapes on You Tube. There are some good ones by a group called The Hones Guys from England. There are many others. It is worth the search.

Calming the nervous system using gentle hatha yoga, acupuncture with an excellent practitioner, listening to the music you love and spending time with individuals you trust and have your best interests at heart and are there for you are some of the ways that you will be supported and helped during this very difficult divorce process from a narcissist. I have been in contact with many who have gone through this ordeal and come through to lead the lives that they deserve. Remember, you come first.

Continue to research the narcissistic personality in depth. The more that you know and understand about this fixed personality disorder, the more power you have in this process. Take very good care of yourself.