Month: July 2013

Covert Narcissists Hiding in Holiness–Yoga Divas–Spiritual Gurus

It has become much the trend to be “spiritual” these days. There are innumerable individuals who sincerely choose and follow a spiritual path that are genuine and sincere and work consistently to be more aware, more empathic and better human beings. I am not talking about these people. I am addressing those who play the role of spiritual teachers in many of its definitions today.

One phenomenon is the popular rise of the practice of yoga. There are studios popping up; special clothing and gear of every kind. Whole industries have arisen as a result of the popularity of this practice. This is not negative by itself but suddenly you have studios catering to the glamour and money side of yoga rather than the true practice. Among these are a number of what I call Yoga Divas. These are narcissists who teach and take yoga. There are yoga teachers and trainers of yoga students who present themselves as humble, genuine and holy. They may have studied the history, purpose and specific poses and understand this technically and teach their classes but their attention is not on the true purpose of yoga. If you want to be a yoga teacher that understands yoga’s true purpose, visit https://www.siddhiyoga.com for more info. Their aim is business and business only. It is important for people to make a living if they are providing a valuable service. I am speaking about teachers who are charging astronomical amounts of money for classes and even more to those who want to become yoga teachers. Many teacher training programs are short on training and long on the expense. Beginners are not given enough hands on time or theoretical knowledge to learn the fundamentals of yoga. Hatha yoga is five thousand years old and requires a deep commitment on the part of the teacher and the student.They are not aware that there are narcissistic individuals who are waiting to offer them the full package–a few hours of training with a certificate at the end in exchange for high fees. The Yoga Diva is unconcerned about what her students are learning. She is rushing them through for the purpose of quick monetary reward for her. The idea is to get as many students as possible to increase her income not to teach the principles of this healing ancient practice.

As the Yoga Diva gains more and more recognition, her fees increase tremendously. Now she can command so much more money. Some yoga studios flourish on the backs of vulnerable underpaid employees. The Yoga Diva is extremely demanding and self entitled. She goes on vacations which she calls spiritual retreats (to let everyone know how holy she is), knowing she can leave her business in the hands of the her adoring followers.

Very similar are the attitudes, behaviors and actions of narcissistic spiritual gurus. These human embodied snakes take directly from the ideas of others, attractively package them and use the force and magnetism of their personalities to sell these goods. They offer a shortcut to reaching a higher consciousness over weekends often named “intensives.” The price tag on these “holy retreats” can cost in the thousands easily. I have known a number of individuals who have gotten into these unfortunate situations with phony yogis who are narcissists and even socialized sociopaths.

The manner, speech, gestures, choice of words of the covert narcissist are simultaneously cunning, clever and toxic, especially within this fake spiritual realm. Many individuals are psychologically desperate and emotionally starved and empty. They don’t know where to turn. Regular therapy has not worked for them. Now they turn to the spiritual world, thinking that those who follow these practices will help them to work through their psychological and emotional issues. They become victims of some of the worst covert narcissists–those who play the martyr, saintly role masterfully. They have been taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable and fragile individuals for decades. They know just how to play them. They look deeply into the spiritual neophyte’s eyes and draw them into their trust. That is the beginning of the hypnotic fusing that takes place. The new student becomes highly dependent on the guru and will spend any amount of money and time to be with this person whom he believes can free him from his emotional burdens and painful psychological symptoms, to experience a strong sense of self and personal confidence, to feel lovable. Empty promises are made but never met. The guru knows this going in each time. As long as spiritual guru plays his part well, he continues to attract followers who cast their hard earned money his way.

Learn from these tales of pseudo spirituality and covert narcissism. You will be prepared for whoever comes along and know immediately that he or she is wearing the costumes of holiness. Beneath the sacred robes and ingratiating mien is a snarling beast.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

Narcissistic Mother Creates Her Masterpiece–A Narcissistic Daughter Who Fulfills Her Dreams

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.” (Michelangelo) One of the greatest sculptors who ever lived created unsurpassed masterpieces—The Pieta, David, Moses among many others. He was the master at taking a block of inanimate material and bringing it to life.

I was thinking about this great work and something popped into my mind about the narcissistic mother who endeavors with all of her force and perseverance to create the perfect child—her golden one. I have personally watched this happen and have had many of you comment about the golden child in their family. Some were chosen to play this role. Others were not. But many a narcissistic parent has become obsessed with molding a tiny baby into a perfect living breathing vision. This works beautifully with art using clay, marble, alabaster and gold but it is a disaster with little children.

Were you the chosen one, the one who was ignored, the golden child dethroned, the child who was hidden in the bunch, the child who got into a lot of trouble with mom because you insisted on being yourself? There are innumerable patterns in these narcissistic highly dysfunctional families.

Some children respond positively to the prodding of their highly ambitious narcissistic mothers. These mothers are restless creatures. Just the right child has been chosen. The mother is relentlessly at her work. Day and night she is plotting and thinking about the magnificence of the end product when the curtain will part and her living creation is at center stage. She sacrifices everything including any real marriage to focus on the pathways this child will have to take to reach the very top. This means professionally, socially, financially, etc. If the girl doesn’t look perfect she makes sure there are braces at just the right time. Even some plastic surgery at adolescence to mold the nose or remove tiny shadow under the eyes into a Botticelli beauty. She is constantly after her daughter about her figure. Making sure that she looks perfect at all times, mother is always watching. Every day mother’s wings are flapping around her emerging masterpiece. Of course her daughter must go to the right schools, meet the A list people and become part of their special group. Narcissistic mothers of this variety will mortgage their homes to the hilt to remodel their daughters to suit their delusional grandiosity.

If one daughter does not go along with the transformation project, she will discard her and pick another child. The discarded daughter usually has a hard time because she has lost her mother’s attention and is no longer in a psychological state of her mother’s grace. But those who tough it out can be blessed because they bucked the force of their narcissistic mother’s brainwashing to be forced to be someone else–her mother’s disturbed contorted vision—a series of living masks, not a real person.

When the mission is complete mother engineers a mate for her darling. The right guy must be chosen. This man is the entree for her and her daughter to swim in the precious waters of the elite, to be fully accepted at the highest social levels that hold all of the golden connections. Narcissistic mother is often successful in achieving this. She steers ND in just the right directions. NM goes to the very top—Who is the one who will give mom and daughter a free glorious ride for the rest of their lives? The narcissistic daughter automatically knows how to pursue the partner in waiting and puts him under her control with her womanly powers, her study of this man and his family, her ability to laser focus on him only and her extraordinary guile that have become a finely tuned instrument which she can play anyway she wants. All might appear to be glorious but this is the exterior–a series of highly believable beautiful masks. Beneath them is the highly damaged, psychologically empty real self that has neither voice nor life. This self is unknown to the ND but the projections of rage, extreme entitlement, grandiosity, cruelty, coldness, lack of empathy are always there to psychologically injure others, especially those who dare or are duped into getting close to them.

Narcissistic mothers will always be with us as will narcissistic daughters. Our work is to learn to recognize them in our families, to mourn for the mother we didn’t have, to work through the process of realizing who we really are and to embrace our uniqueness, authenticity, our creative gifts and our capacity for compassion and love.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013.

Be Well Prepared for Divorcing a Narcissistic Spouse

One of the greatest challenges for many spouses of narcissistic men or women is the actual decision and follow through of divorcing them. The road to divorce is often long, winding and bumpy with many switchbacks, going back and forth in many directions. Some spouses separate a couple of times only to return to the narcissistic partner. When there are children involved the situation is more complex. It is true but difficult to acknowledge: Narcissists are not good parents. They are often called Disneyland parents—all fun, presents, anything goes. The narcissistic father or mother is known to suddenly become very attached to and involved with his children when he or she discovers that a divorce is imminent. The children represent for him/her the ultimate narcissistic supply. He shows them off proudly like the jewels in his crown. They are part of his life success, his great accomplishment. Some narcissists don’t give a damn about the divorce. They go through the motions and can’t wait to escape and find someone else who will adore them. From my experience this is the exception. If a narcissistic parent has avoided his children throughout the marriage it is not unusual for him/her to suddenly become obsessed with the role of super daddy or super mommy.

Before the divorce decision the narcissistic spouse may be loose about money—where it goes, how it is spent, etc. It’s all so easy. Why sweat the money—we can always make more. When the battle begins all of this changes. Suddenly he is watching every penny. He goes over the bank statements like a professional auditor. Narcissists under divorce duress can swing wildly in their thought processes, moods and plans. It causes a form of psychological whiplash to the victims. Those who have gone through this process know what I am talking about. Often they will say: “I thought I knew this person. Now he/she is someone I don’t recognize.”

Given these circumstances, be prepared for divorcing a narcissist as diligently as you can. Hence, it would be prudent to find attorneys from reputed law firms who can help with the situation. An attorney is an expert in divorce and family law. However, the lawyer (or attorney) does not have to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. But he/she must be very savvy about their main character’s traits, tricks, tactics, and agendas. The temperament of the attorney is particularly important. Mainly, an attorney should be someone who is very tough, unflappable, fearless, and psychologically and emotionally well contained.

This individual is not afraid of the narcissist or anyone else who would provoke him/her. If you are the client who is educating the attorney about your soon to be ex-spouse, it’s time to hire someone else. Don’t pick an attorney who will gouge you financially. Yes, they are well paid if they are excellent. Make sure that this person is not going to take advantage of your vulnerability but will be your chief ally throughout the entire process. You want a true fighter, a long distance runner, someone who is not afraid to round the Horn of the legal process. When you interview the attorney pay close attention to the nonverbal communication. This individual must communicate clearly and have a pleasant manner. This attorney must be professionally committed to your success with your case.

Prepare personally by taking very good care of yourself. Give yourself some time alone to read, listen to music, write, paint, exercising that is calming and strengthening, etc. Spend time with close friends. If you are spiritually oriented, it is very important to get back on track with your meditation, prayers, sacred readings, etc. This will bring you a peace that the world cannot produce. Acknowledge and feel deep inside an appreciation for who you really are:genuine, unique, talented, creative, loving, a person of vision, empathy and integrity. Tune in to your intuition every step of the way. This is a great gift that you will use throughout this process. I have great faith in you and know that you will prevail in this process and in the renewal and transformation of your life.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

About to Marry a Second Narcissist? Remember What You Have Learned

Our hearts are drawn quickly and beat fiercely with someone who is irresistible. That often is the narcissistic man or woman these days. They have our numbers, are often very attractive and compelling. They give us so much attention in the beginning. The narcissist always wants something from us and it is not ultimately our welfare or peace of mind, or our creative, psychological or spiritual growth.

There is a strong human tendency to repeat patterns of behavior, especially those that are hurtful to us. Many children of narcissistic parents marry narcissists. Children have no choice of their parents. Many of them feel that they were to blame for their narcissistic parent’s disapproval and abuse of them. It is not unusual for them to step into a marriage to someone who has fooled them completely with a grandiose false self full of self confidence and who appears to care deeply about them.

If you have already gone through the hell of divorcing your narcissistic spouse some time ago and now you are suspecting that your intended man or woman is a narcissist, remember what you learned the first round about the characteristics of the NPD:

1. Narcissists are often attractive and very self confident. They are clever actors who convince others that they truly care about them.

2. Narcissists are consumed by their perfect image. If you notice that this person with whom you are thinking “marriage” is fixated on his/her external image over substance, that is a big red flag.

3. Does this individual over promise? Is he or she very grandiose and could possibly be delusional?

4. Is he or she the Golden Boy or Golden Girl in the family? Not all of these GBs and GGs are narcissists but many are. Watch the family dynamics and pay attention to the adoration of mom and/or dad.

5. Does your intended let it slip that he or she enjoys being ruthless with others and doesn’t value anyone who is not successful in the world?

6. Does this person lack true empathy? –the genuine capacity to put yourself emotionally and psychologically in another person’s place. Are they skilled at pseudo empathy?

7. How often are you catching him/her in lies? Narcissists are gifted liars. Lying for them is as automatic as breathing.

8. If he or she is too good to be true, pay close attention to your intuition. Be receptive to these precious messages. This gift is with us throughout our lives. The more we use intuition, the more powerful it becomes.

9. Narcissistic personalities are not inclined to change.After all they believe they are perfect and live in a delusion of their own making. Take a long look at the person with whom you are planning to share your life. Remember what you have suffered and endured with the last narcissistic spouse and in some cases the narcissistic parent. Know that you are wise and will make the right decision.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013


Narcissistic Parents Raising Over Entitled, Self Absorbed Children

I find it shocking that there are so many narcissistic parents “raising” their children to be discourteous, cruel, self-absorbed brats. I see and hear them in markets, restaurants, libraries, shopping malls in public and private. .

Too many parents are so “busy” creating and maintaining their images of  perfect selves and model families that they are incapable of going deeper within, of introspection, empathy, self psychological regulation and kindness to others. The narcissistic parent is always seizing opportunities to enhance his/her image, to be the winner—regardless of the ruthless manipulations he/she engages in to destroy the opportunities of others in the workplace or within the family. There is a crude greediness that drives so many of these individuals.  They must have the best of every material possession that intrigues them. Their children are not given any real attention or nurturing. They are groomed to be as obnoxious and mindless as their parents. The concept of manners and courtesy and the general consideration that other people actually exist went out the window long ago. Children of these parents are taught to be so competitive that stepping over others to get what you want is perfectly acceptable. Being kind, considerate or empathic is weak, backward and foolish.

Some children of narcissists reject the programing of their narcissistic parents. They know there is something terribly wrong with their mother or father. These children are often the discarded ones, the scapegoats who don’t pass the narcissistic perfection test. They are horribly victimized and humiliated. They are forced to play the role of servant to the family golden child.  Many of these abused children make themselves invisible. They hide whenever they can. They escape into the world of books, become very adept at computers, study their areas of interest and try to keep their lives as private from their parents as possible. They are often derided by the narcissistic parent and the golden child/children. These children are super survivors. They have suffered so horribly under the reign of terror of the narcissistic parent. They are scrappers and make it through with the use of their imaginations, special friends, discovering the mysteries of the world in which they live, immersing themselves in the magic of art and dance.

There are some exceptions to the current narcissistic child rearing trend. Some parents actually take time with their kids, listen to their problems, fears and nightmares, teach them to be considerate of other human beings who don’t point out the flaws of strangers, friends or relatives as many rude kids do today without one blink from the parent who is sitting right beside you. Maybe these people they meet aren’t beautiful or handsome or highly self confident.That is not what is important, their parents tell them. Value the individual for his essence, his true self–that is the message they are given.

When children are cruel or rude to others or to me and their parents don’t register or blink, I point it out succinctly in that moment. The parent sits there mentally absent like an inanimate object. I have repeated my comment to the child and had the parent actually mumble: “Things happen…” What does that mean? Absolutely nothing other than they will not teach their children to be considerate, civil or empathic. I find this lack of sensitivity outrageous and an essential feature of the narcissistic style.

So many of you have chosen to take the more difficult path. Your life has been tough from the beginning. I respect a human being who has been through the mill and returned to tell the tale. I love those who are transparent to themselves and others—They are Genuine.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013.

Surrounded by Narcissistic Family Members–Finding Your Way

I have had many communications with individuals who grew up encircled by narcissistic family members. Not just mom or dad or sister or brother but the whole bunch. Their life stories of survival under these circumstances are amazing. Many of these survivors didn’t realize until they were much older that their family suffered from this severe personality disorder. They remember being victimized and humiliated and treated like dirt but since they knew nothing else they thought it was normal and to be expected.

Some victims of narcissistic abuse become perfect pleasers. They can and do anticipate exactly what the narcissistic mom or dad wants. If there are narcissistic siblings, they become their servants out of fear and not knowing there are any alternatives than taking this lowly role.  In telling their stories the theme that emerges is that they were always wrong, at fault, criticized constantly and treated without respect or dignity. These children smell psychological danger. They are in a state of apprehension, always waiting for something very bad to happen to them. They  live day and night in a fight or flight mode. They are always on edge. Many become hyper vigilant–metaphorically or literally sleeping with one eye open each night–always on guard duty.

For many members of narcissistic families, it takes a while for the healing to begin. Some marry narcissistic spouses and repeat the destructive cycle that they experienced growing up. Fortunately, they recognize this ongoing destructive pattern of allowing others to control and define them and get off of the narcissistic merry go round that has made them dizzy and kept them from knowing and appreciating their original selves.

After divorcing a narcissist or finally recognizing that several family members are narcissists, there is a time of reckoning when the individual who has been holding the truth and suffered under this psychopathology for many years, begins to speak up for himself and recognize that he/she has value as a separate unique valuable individual.  No longer will he or she be defined by a narcissistic family or narcissistic spouse.

The way of healing and transformations for all of us is lifelong. Once you are on the pathway of discovering your real self, your creative gifts, your deep capacity to love, your invaluable sense of humor, the depths of your experience of beauty in Nature, writing, music, art–wherever you find your joy–keep going there. Hold yourself close and thank the little child inside who has been waiting all of this time for you to recognize, embrace and love him. Trust the great seer of your intuition to guide your journey. Wishing you deep peace and a vital sense of wholeness.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.