There are many individuals who lead their lives in indefinite holding patterns in their relationships with narcissists–spouses, mothers, fathers. They suspend their days waiting for the narcissist who has caused them extreme emotional and psychological harm and horrible suffering, thinking that there will be some justice–in effect, waiting for them to fail, to hit a bottom, even to die. This is not going to happen in almost every case.
I have heard from adult children of narcissists who insist on maintaining deeply painful relationships with a narcissistic mother or father because they fear being cut out of the will or estate. They pray that the clock will run out on this parent who has caused them emotional distress and intolerable pain since early childhood. Don’t play the waiting game.
The bell often doesn’t toll for narcissists in terms of whether they become very sick and die. I have seen too many instances in which it is those around them–their children, siblings and spouses who fall ill and become very sick. In many cases it is the extreme stress that they have borne for too many years that has finally broken them. I have heard too many of these life stories and they are very painful.
Narcissists, if you give them the opportunity and they are hell-bent on it, will make you sick–literally. They use people to the max, including their spouses, children and siblings. If you are married to a narcissist and become ill, they will replace you with someone else. You can take that one to the bank.
Narcissists move adroitly to their goals–never stopping to help anyone but themselves. They may strategically donate money to the right entities or become phony “do gooders” but this is all part of re-enhancing their image of themselves as the “great compassionate man or woman.”
Living with a narcissist over a period of time can make you ill. I have heard and read too many stories of people who have been down this treacherous road. Some have regained their health. Others have pulled themselves back from the brink.
I see narcissists all around me who are thriving physically. I see other individuals who are struggling on every level to maintain their health and well-being. Does that mean that narcissists do not become ill or that they do not fall upon bad times? Of course not.
You life must come first now. You have been through the narcissistic wars of childhood if you had these impossible parents and if you doubled down and married a narcissist, it is time to change this life pattern which is deleterious to you.
This is your time. Make the most of it. You have innumerable creative gifts and talents and dreams that you have left on hold. You can revive yourself and rediscover and renew your real self. Put the narcissist and the aftermath of these relationships out of your life. There is good news from so many individuals who have renewed their physical, creative and psychological energies and re-started their lives. You are entitled and deserving!
59 thoughts on “Don’t Wait for A Narcissist to Get Sick and Die”
Comment: From Fi
My ex husband is a psychopath, I ran for my life from him and divorced him 6 months later, went 100% NC. Sadly my children could not do that, because of him my eldest son started using drugs, ending up injecting heroin. My son was in prison for petty theft when he hung himself…..My ex warned me not to interfere with our son’s funeral, so I had no say in it. At my son’s funeral he played 2 songs which use to be ‘our songs’ when we were married! He also had his girlfriend mentioned saying ‘our son’s loving step mum’…..I was not mentioned! He used our son’s funeral to further hurt and destroy me. I just spent the time at my son’s funeral holding my other son and my daughter’s hands….holding them up. My ex even had our sons ashes put in his parents attic so I couldn’t get hold of them. You know what, I always felt my son would find his way back to his mum, and he did, my ex’s father gave me the ashes saying ‘it’s not fair them being stuck in the attic’. I feel this is not over yet as my ex is not happy unless his children are unhappy, because he knows it upsets me greatly when our kids are unhappy. I hate this person with a passion, I hope he dies soon so my kids feel they can be happy
Comment: From Tom
my narcissistic sister drove her sibling to an early grave. She covered up her symptoms with valium, but she was just a pawn in the older sister’s game. I said — the older one has murder in her heart.
She never forced her husband into rehab either, and after he had a lung removed he continued to smoke
Then she said he attacked her, and she grabbed him by the throat, he fell off the bed and he died.
Comment: From Gabrielle
I wake up every day in a state of misery and physical pain. I have to accept the fact that my sister is evil and she can abuse me and then laugh at me and get all her (so-called) friends to laugh at me. I’ve heard you say that people can heal from the abuse but it seems like it’s too late for me-I’m physically and mentally damaged perhaps permanently. I’m 51 years old. Why are the narcissists living happy and healthy lives with society’s nod of approval? How could someone who’s been damaged not pray for retribution?
Comment: From Doug
Forget the Will, forget ever getting anything from this person. I’d rather own my own life then wait around in misery till the person dies so I can forever be in their debt. I want nothing from Trudy (mother). I do wish she’d die soon, but not because I want anything…it’s because it’ll be the first time in my life I’ll feel free. No longer bound by the the bricks she piled on top of my entire life. I know how sick it sounds to wish my mother dead, but she’s never been a real mother. I was born to support her, to be her accomplishment and it broke me.
Comment: From Nicole
I read this post after wasting away for two days sick in bed, and I came up with, “Dear Mother, Thank you for looking after YOUR daughter, my sister, whom you gave birth to when I was 12 years old, to whose father I was not introduced formally, even on your wedding day, when you were heavily pregnant with her, whose existence was not made known to me because you hid your pregnancy from me even though we were living in the same house, and I only found out about her when my aunt told me when we were both sheltering after a maximum strength hurricane, my sister whose nose you pinched a lot when she was a 2 week old preemie because you wanted it to be straight (it’s straight now, so go figure), and into whose hair you added olive oil daily to make sure it didn’t come out too curly.” My mother has always said that her children had better pay her back all the money they owe her. I heard this at the age of 21. So, it was no surprise that she held my sister hostage and blackmailed me for money, saying that she would sell her into indentured servitude if I didn’t pay her maintenance money. My sister was in college, and I happily paid her fees, but my mother made it known to me that my sister was being given room and board and that she wasn’t getting any financial assistance from abovementioned father (we still haven’t been introduced, I only know his name because we went to the same church, and he was on the choir, and I overheard people referring to him by name). Now, I’m 38 years old and absolutely miserable, I have no children of my own, never married, and cannot even think about being in a relationship with a man who loves me because how can I bear the idea of being loved? It’s an alien concept. Now, she’s sick and on meds for high blood pressure, from mimicking Madonna’s clubbing lifestyle (yes, clubbing at 59 because “you know, you have be sexy”, no comment) and she’s wanting someone to confide her problems in. That’s just today, of course, two months ago, I couldn’t get her on the phone because she “lost i!
t” which is code for she’s found a new boyfriend, who’s living in her house, of course. I bet she gave him a lumpsum of her hard earned extorted from me money before he bolted to sleep with someone younger. She found her phone a week before her birthday and ordered my sister to send it by email “Mother asked me to give you her new phone number.” I did not play the game. Of course, if a man leaves her, it’s her children’s fault, because if it weren’t for us, as she has been saying since I could remember, she wouldn’t be overweight and lumpy or even have stretch marks. I resent the fact that not only do I have to pay her to not put my sister out on the street, but that I also have to behave like a real daughter. Not happening. So, my sister opened a new account for herself, and I sent her a big wad of cash to buy herself shoes and dresses (this and food/transportation etc. it was in the maintenance money I send my mother every quarter, but apparently it doesn’t cover the cost of shoes for my sister who’s a college graduate and now job hunting). Imagine, my mother had a child with a lowlife, deadbeat and I am paying child support. Have you heard anything more ridiculous? Can’t wait for her to die, but it might never happen.
Comment: From Sandra
So glad to hear another person wishing their mother dead, I’ve been doing this as long as I can remember. Not just her but myself as well anything to get away from her
I spent years trying to work out what my mother was.wasnt till after she past,that she came under the title narcissist.My mother mentally abused me my whole life,my stepfather used me and my real father neglected me.I was used and lied to,right up till my mother passed.i was even cut out of her will and it went to my sisters.I have tryed taking my life in my earlyer years.Depression,is like this.what came first the chicken or the egg.what came first the drepression or the self medication that causes the depression.The darkness the light,which one.after all years of sadness and hirt,i plan i living the rest of my life in the light.Will i forgive yes,will i forget no.
I didn’t wait for my malignant narcissist mother to die. At 47 years of age, I had enough of her wrecking havoc with my life and getting others to join in – her GC son, enabling father, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews… Done. I went No Contact and it’s the best decision I ever made.
Write me out of the will? Of Course! But, I saw that coming decades ago. She was building her “case” for that while I was a young teenager – maybe before. The GC son had to get it all. Strange… he had a stroke right after she died.
Being written out didn’t bother me. She didn’t have enough to pay me back for the decades of torture and abuse. Material objects from her house? Why, in heavens name, would I want anything that reminds me of her, and the prison she made for me, in my home? Sell it? I wouldn’t want to lay eyes on any of it again. She actually did me a favor. First time Ever!
I moved to another state and never looked back. I own my own home, I have everything I need, I’m not beholding to anyone and have Never been happier and am at peace. PTSD well under control; stomach ailments and headaches – gone; weight issue managed. I never knew how wonderful my life could be!
My advice: Don’t wait for anything. If you’re the scapegoat you’ll remain the scapegoat – unless you change the game and remove yourself from her wicked play. I did. Best move Ever!
My mother the narcissist destroyed the lives of the people closest to her. She hastened the death of my father who be became too ill to serve her purpose with neglect and negligence. She interfered with me having a normal healthy relationship with my dad, my siblings and my extended family. She was jealous of me never supporting, encouraging or validating me, only put downs and negative assumptions. I cannot remember spending even 1 minute of quality time with her. The time I spent with her was doing chores. She destroyed my sexuality using Catholicism as a weapon for guilt and shame. She allowed my brother to beat me. She allowed my father and brothers to pick on me and tease me. I could not confide in her when one of my bothers friends sexually abused me. I left home at 15. Her golden child my brother predeceased her and died at age 52 from a massive heartache trying to live up to her expectations. Her other son who was never good enough became an alcoholic. My sister detached herself and put distance between her and mom as did I. My mother drove the wedges in deep between all her children. My mother’s manipulative lies negatively affected all of her children’s relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who will never know the truth because she is very good at this. She only cares about how things looked to the outside world. It’s has taken me 42 years to figure this out. Only after I had children did I begin to understand how hurtful my mother . As my mother ages and senility is setting in, she is not as cunning as she used to be although she is still at it with her will, estate etc… She refused to name a Power of Attorney or to consider a Living Will. She plays one of us against the other for Executor. She refuses to go into a home and refuses to stop driving. She cannot give up her control at 85. I don’t care about the little money she has and I don’t need it. As she has become more needy and I am finding myself drawn in again as everything I try to forget is all bubbling up again. Before she got too old, I decided to confront her about things but she just doesn’t get it. She cannot and will not open her mind up to another view that differs from her own. She will never give me that satisfaction. I tell myself she is an old senile woman and I should have compassion. I feel guilty that I feel no compassion for her. Although at times I wish she was dead, lately more than ever, I hate myself for thinking that way. I want the truth to come out but no one will beleive it. I don’t think my siblings have come to terms with it and they won’t listen because they have learned to hate me. Thankfully my husband sees through her. At my moms funeral, I will probably remain silent. I wonder if I will ever heal.
Reading these comments makes me feel much better. I now know I am not crazy or alone. I have been suffering with a narcissistic mother all my life but things really became apparent upon my father’s passing. The year’s that have passed have been pain staking for all, but for my mother it is all and everyone’s fault. But to have a mother continue to relive and spew hurtful and hateful comments about your father because she knows that our relationship was extremely close and he was and is my heart … is simply mean and uncalled for. My mother continues to spew off horrible and hateful comments when unnecessary and embarrassing to family, acquaintances and complete stranger’s alike. Her dislike, jealously and hatred for me is overwhelming at times and my attempts to defend myself end up in arguments that are unresolved and most certainly unforgiving. She always begins it on one simple thing and it heightens to her pulling at/up things that happened in past (10 – 20 years ago) or recently (as 10 or 20 days ago). I am scarred and scared from her behavior with me. I don’t wish my mother dead, but I wish she would stop and leave me alone. Just stop with the comments and telling the lies. Only a few people know of my discomfort and depression behind being around her. She wears a mask and I hide it well. My sister knows but ignores all by either limiting her phone conversations and visits. We’ve both managed this for year’s by leaving this lie, but I know someone has got to see the elephant in the room!
I have wished my mother dead since I was 6 and been suicidal for 35 years. Her own mother (my grandmother) told me that she herself only found peace after her own mother died when she was 50. Some days I don’t know how I can wait another 10 or so years. But of course I am the black sheep of the family, not invited to family functions because she has convinced everyone that I am the EVIL one. No one believes me about her. I just wish I would die.
I have to say, I feel really stupid that it took me to age 60 to realize my mother is a narcissist. All these years, I believed it was primary Munchausen’s and I have been a victim of Munchausen’s by Proxy. It took cancer for me to finally have the time during recovery (and the luck) to type some specific questions into Google, and realize shes a narcissist! As a nurse myself, dealing with this lunatic who would rather spend time seeing doctors for attention, (and there have been hundreds) than caring for or about her family, Munchausen’s was a natural deduction. But the veil was finally lifted. I have to say I spent the best 17 years of my life with low contact, not understanding that was but my fight or flight response to the recurring torture from this woman. I have rebelled since childhood, never understanding why. I was terrified of her rages and feeling my life was in danger every time my father was out of town with his job, which was often. My brother a drug addict, pervert, pedophile POS is amazingly the “golden child” and instigated the problems that always ended with me feeling am I going to die tonight? God, guess I could write a book, a very long book, but I am trapped again in the orbit of the torturer in chief. Yes, I am waiting for the end to come. After avoiding her for years, limiting contact to Thanksgiving, Christmas and one brief visit to my home 3 hours away in the summer, I had a slip. There were times over the years I went completely no contact, I just knew I had to stay away after a particularly egregious behavior on her part. My dad, the co-dependent enabler, stayed with this crazy loon because of his strict Catholic beliefs. After I escaped 24 years ago, 7 years ago I had a lapse in memory. Had I only discovered this diagnosis before, things might be different. She manipulated me pretending to be nice, (yes please don’t laugh at my naivete). With them getting well into old age, I fell into the scam of “we need to live near you, as we are getting older and will need help”. Okay, she seems nicer, and I am their only daughter and responsible human being in their lives, and my husband was totally snowed with very little contact with her over the years, so the move happened. Every statement, symptom, trait, behavior, of narcissistic disorder describes her and my life. She has changed her will 3 times in the last 4 years, back and forth, and my father has gone along up until this week. He finally changed his will leaving me as executrix and immediate POA. Since her doctor who knows shes a nut case, she finally gave her a dementia and mood disorder dx, so she won’t be changing it again, at least not in a valid way. So this person, who I will not shed a tear for, has conned me into caring for her for 3 years now, the last 2 full time. She’s constantly “dying”, but truth be told, I will be dead before her. I have endured Chrohn’s disease( repeated flares and surgery), chronic migraine, and now cancer (which I considered a vacation), she is slowly killing me. But Linda is right, I am waiting for her to die and hoping she will go before my dad. As much as he has handed her complete control and ability to get away with 61 years of abuse, I still care about him. He’s not a bad person, he has Stockholm syndrome, or something like that. With me being available he has turned from allowing her demands, complete with temper tantrums that can go on for hours, to trust in me. So I am waiting, but I will have given up far too much in exchange for what little will be left. She has run through my fathers money like water. Please get out if you have a woman who calls herself “mother” like this. She hates me, and makes sure I know it, she constantly speaks badly of me, and I’m there caring for her! It’s not worth the money, just not worth dying for. I have never felt happier or more at peace, when I was low or no contact with her. So I’m going to hang in here a little longer, insane I know, as she has survived strokes, hip fractures, post op delirium, dementia, frequent falls and so far nothing takes her out. I swear shes gets her strength from the emotional vampiring off me and my dad. Its true Vampire’s don’t die! I know my thoughts are pretty disjointed here, but think you all can get the picture.
What happened to my comment? It was posted 5 days ago, and now its been taken down. There was nothing inappropriate in it. Leaves me feeling I’ve been scammed by a narcissist!
Okay now I just feel stupid, as soon as I posted above my older post showed up?? Apologies to the site if I misjudged, but it was just no longer there. Pretty sensitive these days of never ending torture.
Doug, I have spent years feeling the same way. Wishing them dead. This is another twist that a Narcissist can leave behind because you will feel guilty for feeling that way. I recently realized that I only wanted the games and the pain to stop. Instead of death now I would like to see her helpless to communicate via a stroke. Rendering her harmless if that could ever be achieved.
But we are no longer children and my torture is that I am too late in identifying the problem. She’s into the grandkids now. Just treat others with love I don’t know what else to do now
You’re not alone! I was the “Golden Child,” and bore the abuse until last year– my chronological age: 36 1/2-years-old at that time, when I went “no contact.”
I am so physically ill that I am headed toward permanent disease. However, my doctors have given me hope that I MIGHT recover my health, which I so desperately need– my children are already teenagers, and I don’t want their memories of me to be “always sick.” I want them to have happy memories– the memories of my cooking tasty meals for them (my son severely misses my cooking); of how I used to have a hot beverage & snack for them when they got home from school; and of listening to them about their day. I do still get to listen to them about their day, and I’m so grateful to have that.
Your expression “bound by the bricks she piled on top of my entire life” hits the ‘nail on the head’– I understand.
For those who know, we understand how much you want the freedom, even when it sounds cruel or “sick” to say it. I used to say it, too, “I just want her gone so I don’t have to be in pain any more.”
Don’t wait for her to die to get your freedom, or you may end up too ill to enjoy it! Emancipate yourself!
Thanks for your response and empathy, s2v.
You’re welcome! 🙂
I didn’t begin to wish my mother gone until I,started to hating the golden child thing. That was during puberty, but I didn’t know why, what, or why regarding my feelings. She had confused me to such an extent that I began being very violent, but I knew I had to quash that and the wrong people entered my life and I started using drugs. It was the only thing, and this is might sound odd, that kept me from either killing someone, or myself. Drugs kept me alive. I’ve always been exceptionally bright and quick learning, so jobs were no problem. Fastest rising manager in Dominos Pizza history at 18, Asst. Manager of ColorTile in no time, designed and maintained specialized database for my hometown health dept. when it was discovered the place was had been polluted for decades and every kid in town required blood tests, asked by the CCD to work for them, but turned it down and others, my last, a law firm where I started a filing, became paralegal and ripped through each dept., family law, criminal, wills, estate planning and real estate until becoming bankruptcy manager…this being my longest position, but I could never breakthrough a certain point because of the damage my mother had and continued to cause. She knocked down every feeling I ever had, she tried to make me her twin and when I rebelled, I left, but she would continue her control every time I’d call, or she’d write me a letter with her talons attached. I finally broke my drug habit and pulled myself together and she no longer has ANY control over me. I now know exactly what and who she is, what she did to me and almost why, but I may never know that. I don’t wish her dead any longer, in fact my goal now is make the best of what I can and hopefully grow and reach my potentials. Anytime she makes an attempt at controlling me, or dismissing my feelings, or any of her tricks, I immediately confront her and tell her what she just did. She used to argue, but now she just shuts up, because I won’t allow her to continue. Anyway, I found a way out and I have hope for myself. I hope this will show others there’s always a way. If I found it, you can too.
I really like your tattoo
You guys! A huge thank you! How marvellous to be able to be sharing life stuff with you! Amazing and grateful thanks to you all for sharing! It was like being alone on the ocean running out of steam, breath, and the will to live and then…along bobs a life raft!! I discovered a few short years back that my mother was a full blown narcissist and I was the ‘permanent scapegoat’. I knew about it all along but didn’t at the same time. If that makes sense? It all takes a while to come together doesn’t it? But now it has and I cant describe how light I feel, almost like gravity is not a real issue.
Uplifted is the word I guess.
My entire life, I’m in my (young) sixties now, and beating myself up (only slightly!) for not getting here sooner. She has destroyed everything I ever held dear, she’s been into my son and grandchildren & my second daughter-in-law, they are all lost to me . She has had the knife into me from the moment I was born. She then ‘inhabited’ my sister from birth (like a great parasite) she ‘lives’ through my sister who is the ‘golden child’ & although the sister is in her 60’s too, she behaves as if she has a ‘divine’ right to everything she wants. Narcissistic supply is the name of the game. Guess what? I just pulled the plug for good! My sister has the same parasitic elements as the mother. She is simply a clone. My son and grandchildren and a ‘dim and distant’ brother have all been brainwashed, indoctrinated by her ability to be the supreme actress, the supreme liar and the supreme calculating manipulator in terms of how bad I am.
They all get subjected to her avaricious gross need for supply. It is all so ugly and monstrous! and all but invisible to those who have not been on the receiving end of it. I was subject to her narcissistic rage as a toddler and thought I was going to die, while external family and health services all looked the other way. Then at 3 years became a ‘toy’ to my father’s sexual deviancy, while she had my sister as her ‘golden toy’ how sick is all of that? It has been the inevitable ‘long shadow’ thats for sure. I was naturally very sick in my teenage life and twenties. In my 30’s went into therapy a long way away and had some wonderful help. Married the wrong people before therapy and suffered extensively at the hands of guess what – you guessed it, narcissistic males. Even one of the therapists was a narcissist! Still even then the awareness and terminology regarding this dreadful pathology was not really recognised. My 40’s and 50’s have likewise been a blur until now in my sixties I know and feel that I have a new lease on life. Yes I’m older, but I also know i’m a lot wiser, thank God. Still with things to learn I hope, but on my terms. That’s the blessing. That is the real blessing. To concentrate now on personal fulfillment lovingly and creatively in any and all ways that will be open to me. That is where my focus and hope is now.
My grateful and enduring thanks I’d like to say, goes in particular to this special woman Linda Martinez-Lewi, for making this so vital information and assistance available, along with this opportunity to share with other so special and knowledgeable people such as yourselves. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.Every good wish and thought goes to you in your determination to live the life which is yours by right and to enjoy every single moment which you have struggle and survived to have. No contact – way to go!
Just as an end note here, I was struggling earlier to try and find the right description for how I feel. Interestingly I was just listening to a programme which was about the space missions and one of the astronauts described what it was like doing a space walk at the space station when they have to check things on the external structure. There was a description of the suit and how its gets pressurised, how they have to go through so many checks and balances, then into air locks and so on. Finally stepping out of the structure was described as being ‘on the doorstep of the universe’ looking at our stunning world right in the face. The words were something like ‘ whatever you think it looks like from there, its even more magnificent…the beauty just stops your thought’.
Yes, that’s about where I am now. Carpe diem!
I started a diary 14 years ago, with the behavioral patterns of my husband, confused as to what it could be. It appeared as if he was bipolar, schizophrenia because his personality around folks and personality at home differ so much. I started recording our conversations and whatever as proof if I was to mention it to anyone. I became sick strangely and frequently as long as I was in his presence or space. He would leave the house for twenty minutes and I felt renewed. Three (3) years ago, I started becoming clear about what I wanted for myself emotionally , but was not fully free of my past with him in terms of knowing for sure he had some mental issues. I stumbled across this site not as a mistake for sure because I’ve found a community of people who shared my exact experience. You have no idea how it feels to finally have a name for these people, it brings closure to my already journey of leaving and not looking back.
Jennifer, you feel ill around your NPD? Know how that feels. My father is a classic Narcissist and
my poor Mom has been destroyed by him.He makes me ill all the time. You are not alone in that regard. Keep going and move out ASAP.
Wow! Here l am on a Saturday night surfing the net and reading some of the most honest, courageous stories about people’s relationships with the “narcissist” in their lives. Just blows my mind…..because dealing with this is extremely difficult and sickening, yet when you set yourself free, life is good! Life is too short. And life should be peaceful.
I, too, have a narcissistic mother, and basically, l married my mother! Married to a narcissistic man for over 30 years with it’s roller coaster ride of a relationship (anger, delusion, infidelity, extreme $$ spending, bullying, lying, self adoration, etc), l abrupdelty realized that what l could NOT change in my mother, l tried to change in my husband instead. Perhaps believing all the “disappointments” l put my mother through (tongue in cheek), l thought l could make up those disappointments in a marriage. Maybe be successful in a relationship with someone just like my mother was what l was striving for. Could never seem to please my mom, so tried it the second time around with a man. Weird, but true.
Nevertheless…l am peacefully separated from the abusive husband. I avoid saying “happily” separated because one thing I’ve learned through narcissistic behavior is that these monsters are never happy. They’re always looking for something to make them happy, and are never satisfied. Thus the cycle of abuse. They need to get their fix. For example…my husband would go on a spending spree, thinking the next selfish purchase would make him happy. I could never say, “Gee, we can’t afford this right now” ….that would cause a fit of rage which only provoked his next big purchase. I would be blamed for his unhappiness and accused of not supporting his grandiose ideas! Therefore, to me, looking for happiness seems shallow. I’d rather look for peace.
It took awhile to boot this guy out of my home. He stomped and refused and threatened and of course, if l would just change OR seek counseling, our marriage would have worked! Haha! So, l don’t care how l wind up, where l’m living, if l can pay my next electric bill….as long as l’m peaceful. I am in a much better place. Would rather live in a cave, than live with a narcissistic fool again.
However, as an only child of a narcissistic mother, here l am in my mid-50’s taking care of her in my home. She is now 86 years old. And yes….sometimes l think she’ll do me in before she ever passes!!! Sometimes l think she’s living so long because deep-down, she’s mean and vile. Drama, gossip, paranoia, always getting her way, not taking “no” for an answer, and provoking arguments over silly stuff, keeps her adrenaline up!! Meanwhile, l lay around like a wounded puppy after her criticisms of me while l am always trying to please her! Then l ask myself, why l do it? Guilt? Love? Being family oriented? Responsibility? Compassion? Fear? Setting an example for my own grown children? Or maybe all of the above? All I know is that, I’ve learned to live with narcissistic behavior. How to deal with it, cope with it, ignore it, confront it, and do away with it.
At this stage of the game, when and if I’ve had enough, there are plenty of nice nursing homes around that she can reside in. In the meantime, l keep myself busy with my career, my kids, my grand baby, praying daily, my garden, good books, ballroom dancing, and wine!! This keeps my mind healthy and peaceful.
So, for all of you out there who struggle with loved ones in your life that suffer with this personality disorder, don’t let them make YOU suffer. Let them go. Let it go. And let it all roll off your shoulder. Know your personal worth and give yourself a “high five!” Peace.
I too didn’t realize I had two NPD parents until my 50s. I had a liver transplant in 2011 after 20+ yrs of viral liver disease. Unfortunately, the transplant was unsuccessful due to what I believe was a tissue typing or surgical error. My 3+ yr new liver is now cirrhotic and I am on 20+ medications. My NPD father and mother have never advocated on my behalf re the lack of care and negligence on the part of the transplant doctors. My father, claiming to be acting on my behalf, is NOW talking with doctors re my care; however, as is true of NPD, it seems that all my life he has set out to prove me to be fraudulent and a liar. His delayed intervention “on my behalf” now seems to be a chance for him to spin the circumstances towards that end. It also seems like he is trying to refute all facts in order to re-gain 100% of my mother’s attention. I almost feel like he’s setting me up. Unfortunately, due to disability I must still maintain contact with both of them. Any feedback would be appreciated. I feel like no one has my best interest at heart, including transplant doctors, and when faced with possibly life-ending consequences, I feel more than trapped. Thank you.
I am worried it is too late. Just turned 49 and had a huge blow-out of all time with my N-mother. have a few disabilities that I’ve had for yeas, no doubt the result of N abuse and neglect during childhood. I do the best I can but have not been able to fully support myself full-time work-wise though I can part-time.
My N-mother is now disowning me and I am scared. I hope it is not too late for me to pull a life together I live. I have had suicidal thoughts for most of my my entire life.
Her disowning you is the best thing that can happen for you. Take the opportunity and RUN and don’t look back. YOU deserve a life without her!!!!!!!!
Suicide is not the option, if for no other but not to give this woman the satisfaction of pushing you .
Really read the comments. This is epidemic in Those of us in our 50s.
The damage is deep. But the healing is better.
Keep following Linda Martinez she is a blessing
I have to say, when I wrote my comment in 2014 I was 2 months away from having to move in full time and take care of my mother, to help my father, until last month. She finally became ill and we had hospice in, full time for 8 days, the day she passed they were not covering he case as all her symptoms had been controlled. I was with her when she drew her last breath. I have to say I found forgiveness watching her slowly pass on. My friends always said, though they knew what a horrible witch she was to me, that I would grieve. I took loving care of her the last months and while she lay dying and don’t regret it for a minute. I know who she was, I know she was a narcissist, but I decided to be the better person, so I have no regrets. You wouldn’t believe the cards, and Catholic mass cards that have pored in. Glowing sympathy notes! Just goes to show how easily people can be fooled to a persons true nature and we the victims suffer in silence.
I’ve been NC with my toxic family (NM and siblings) for two years now, and I’ve never felt better – emotionally and physically. NM has turned family and friends from all over the world against me. At first, I was pained to see this phenomena occurring (smear campaign) because everyone believed her lies – including my best friend of 46 years. Well, guess what? I remember reading an article about cutting off anyone who wasn’t loyal to me. So I began to cut them all out of my life – one by one, and it felt so good. As far as I’m concerned, these people don’t deserve me – they deserve each other. I’m now liberated from all of them, and my acid reflux is gone. I’m very careful who I let into my life now; and if anyone shows signs of NPD while I’m getting to know them, they are booted out of my life. One of the best things about going NC with these narcs (besides enjoying my peace and better health) is that I won’t have to waste my time and money celebrating their birthdays, Mother’s day and Christmas. I save myself so much money and anxiety of having to celebrate them (ugh!). The extra money is spent on myself and those who are deserving of it. I don’t miss any of them, and I’m just glad that I took my life back and and never looked back.
i know this a year later, but when my narcissist “father” dies, i will feel a lot of things, but feeling “guilty” wont be one of them. i remember being a little kid that couldnt even reach the sink yet, wishing he would just drop dead. i kno one thing for sure, hes gettin “narcissist” carved into his headstone even if i have to do it myself. narcissists are worthless creations. there is no real person in there. all the adult children that actually feel some kind of sadness at the death of one of these monsters, is sad about an imaginary figure that never did, and never would have existed. narcissists are a sub species, below all other species, and they should be treated like the worthless trash that they are. i hate them all and wish nothing but unending torturous pain on all of them for eternity, because that is what they deserve.
My Narcissist mother died on Halloween night 2015 my GC brother and N sister plus his ex wife who my mother disliked a lot and their three children who had hardly anything to do with her.
I went Nc last December from her, GC and sister. Well, after all the texts to my sons the sneaky turning up at his work, the scheming and lies plus get this my lovely Christian nieces putting up vile insulting inappropriate posts on their FB pages which I promptly had removed as I had my mothers Facebook info so could see it all! I didn’t go to her death bed.
I think the best thing is I also had access to her email account for a couple of years and read all the lies and horrid comments she was telling her friends about me! I printed them off!
This just clarified my knowledge. Trouble is I can’t say anything to anyone….it isn’t worth it! I just know, I grieve yes, I have cried yes, but not for her but for the mum who never was and never will be . Time to move on. My boys are so lovely and supportive along with my husband. I have had Polymyalgia which is awful aching muscles since last year and am praying this will get better now she has gone. Funeral next but I will. It be going to that, the thought of being told its all my fault she is dead! It was cancer of the blood and septicaemia got her in the end. Full of poison and envy it took over. I am so relieved, I protected my boys and have in a way punished all of them for being controlling manipulative older siblings and bullies all my life .
What do u do if the Narcassist is your teenage daughter!? We have done nothing only love and nurture but now we realised who she is but its tooooo late, our life is destroyed and police are involved…. We are so disappointed with life. She’s moved on, cut us out of her life and everyone is against us. Looking back we can see the behaviour but at the time we thought it was just teenagers, boy were we wrong.
Can’t believe all the lies and deception and it’s only just started.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Elizabeth! I feel exactly the same regarding my husband’s narc family. Hope you keep on living in the peace you deserve. Blessings to you and all the other people who shared their experience here.
I just want to know where to put my mom when she gets old.
Perks of being an only child.
My mother has driven me nuts but I keep going back because I feel alone without any emotional support from my parents. Only thing they know is how to be perverts.
And my mom really isn’t worth the time..I laugh at the thought of her going through horrible things now and I fear if I don’t leave I will become a hollow shell . thankyou all for your shared words. It has helped me greatly.
It took months to receive a book I ordered thru my locally library, DMMD Diagnostic Manual for Mental Disorders, that Pysch. use to diagnose folks. I read it cover to cover trying to figure out my Mother, (along with other family members,) I knew she had a personality disorder… but which one? Believe it or not,,, years later, (this year), I am on FB and there a quote pops up about Narc peeps BINGO there it was my Mom to “T!!” She has made my entire life miserable thru her maniplations, and ruthlessness. She too, changes her Will constantly, puts me down to everyone, and when she comes on a visit I actually get sick. She goes 6 months, a year or 10 months with out talking to me as some form of punishment???? Then out of the blue calls not a thing wrong… finally in my late 40’s I said no more!
I also understand where you are coming from, Doug. I have similar feelings. I moved 120 miles away from mine and didn’t have any contact with her for 7 years. I do not miss her one bit. I miss having a Mother but she never was a Mother in the real sense. I remember years ago, when I was a teenager, my step-dad was trying to strangle her on the floor and I hesitated to help her because, for a few seconds, I actually wanted him to kill her. How awful to wish that of your own Mother. To die. I did help her. Of course I did. But that day scarred my memory. No child should ever have these feelings. I have won though. My own children will never feel about me, the way I feel about mine. They tell me daily how much they love me and what a great Mum I am. There is no better reward. I won. Sounds like you have too. It may be a bitter-sweet victory but it’s still a victory.
Please help me, I live with a horrible religious narcissist Mother and WHOLE family, Aunts, Father, Grandparents, all are Narcissists and I want to kill myself, please help me! Life is hell for me!
I just read your comment and decided to respond. First off, I’m very sorry you’re suffering from narcissistic abuse – everyone here knows what you’re going through because we’ve all been there. I’m 53 years old and I went NC with my entire family two years ago in order to save my sanity and my life. (I will be celebrating three years of NC this November.) I learned about NPD when I was 46 years old. I read everything I could about it until I understood the disorder completely. I went LC with them until I turned 51 – then I went NC with all of them. A few months later I realized that my acid reflux was gone. I began to enjoy my meals more and began to gain some healthy weight (I needed to). I enjoy my life now and am happy and at peace. I breathe easier and deeper now…the anxiety is gone. Slowly, but surely, I’m letting new people into my life. Don’t get me wrong – life isn’t all peaches and cream for me. I have my moments when I cry and wish I had been born into a loving and supportive family. But things get easier with each passing day. I feel absolutely no guilt for going NC with them because I’ve learned that NM put the guilt in me since childhood, and she will never again have any power or control over me. I now own that power and control. Best advice I can give you is to get out of there ASAP and don’t look back. Look into getting some government assistance to help you along the way if necessary. Just get out and heal yourself; and if it’s appropriate at a later time, you can reconnect with them on YOUR terms. Don’t let them suck you back into their vortex. As for me, I don’t plan on ever going back. I don’t trust ANY of them and they have absolutely NOTHING to offer me – except more abuse. With that said, I wish you the best of luck.
I liken my “mother” to the terminator. She never stops. Old age has intensified her cruelty and viciousness towards the world in general – a validation for me, since she has always treated me with disrespect, dislike, contempt. Always punishing, humiliating, shaming. She orchestrated and incited the abuse against me from my “father” – while I spent decades in depression and misery she thrived. She designated me the scapegoat while doting on my brothers – to this day. With impunity. Every day I hope she dies, so she is gone for good, literally. There’s so many of us suffering unseen and in silence because nobody (not having experienced this kind of relentless mental cruelty and emotional draining) believes a mother could act this way. It took me over 40 years to recognize she is an undiagnosed and untreated NPD if not BPD. Her money insulates her from repurcussions. And so it goes.
I am so grateful for these posts.
My mother-in-law has NPD (not that she has been diagnosed because narcissist’s will be narcissist’s and believe there is nothing wrong with them) Anywho, she has recently been diagnosed with cancer and ever since has put the whole family through hell of demanding torture and spewing trash about everyone even her closest friends behind their backs. We live in a complex and she comes and goes whenever she pleases to spew off some shit and leave. For the past year I have been nothing but friendly, caring and trying to do so much as I can and im not even HER blood. She still talked shit about me to my own boyfriend ( her grandson) and vice versa. I have never seen the likes of such a wicked witch in my whole life! She has honesyl made me so sick and sad that I started to feel ill myself. She not only has cancer but she is the fvking cancer! Thanks so much for the blog post, now I dont feel the slightest bit of guilt or even resentment anymore for being NO CONTACT! (Which she also complained about) -go firgure. Anyways anyone else going through this live your life!!!! The narcs will take their shitty wicked lives to the grave someday, atleast you have moved on and stopped letting it affect you.
My dad got an stroke at 65, today he is 81, I cant explain the destruction he has done to himself and his family. I will never know for sure if he was always a pyschopath with narcissistic traits or became one after the stroke…anyhow, I hope I will never have to see him again. I wish him all the best and I hope he never has to suffer but now knowing the pain and suffering he has brought to his children until this very day, he should have died he had that stroke 16 years ago. My mother his enabler until this day.
I did everything right–for awhile. I moved more than 10 hours away at the first opportunity, and that was about 30 years ago. Then I went NC for about 6 years. Then low contact and few visits, which was fine, b/c my MNM and my enmeshed F were busy with their own lives, and so was I. And my MNM had her GC son from a prior marriage, so who needed me? GC had left for awhile, but came back to suck the golden teat. He got a house, cars galore, a job he couldn’t get fired from–no offense to him, but he was like the dog waiting under the table for the master’s scraps to fall–he was going to get them first. And he did. And I couldn’t have cared less. I was glad he was there and willing to be her NS in exchange for what he thought was a sure shot at the lion’s share of the spoils of the Will. But, wouldn’t you know it, being in her orbit took its toll: he dealt with the stress by smoking and eating, and before he was 55 he was dead–morbidly obese, unable to walk, end-stage COPD (and he still smoked when he wasn’t passed out on meds). MNM refused to be present when the ventilator was turned off–his wife (whom my mother HATED) who made the decision murdered GC, in my MNM’s opinion.
This happened a year after my enmeshed F died. Both he and the GC had become unreliable sources of NS because they were so ill. Why wouldn’t they just “try harder” to get well? Why were they so lazy? The wife must be poisoning GC. MNM wanted GC to move in (without GC’s wife, of course) but he refused. Why were they doing this to her? They didn’t need those pain meds, those just put them to sleep so they couldn’t entertain her, keep her company. Those doctors wanted to make them drug addicts. MNM doled out F’s pain meds as she saw fit. Cancer, surgeries and endless chemo aren’t that painful. You have to suck it up and get out of bed and WANT to get better. F wants to “act sick” on purpose to spite MNM. GC’s wife needed to ration the pain meds, like MNM did. MNM lost her composure when she realized F was dying. WHERE was the new, improved chemo? WHY couldn’t he go back on chemo again? HOW DARE THEY mention “hospice.” F was going to GET BETTER. MNM said F looked peaceful when he died. I’ll bet.
I missed this whole soap opera at the hospital. Not because I made a wise but brutally hard decision to stay away, but because at the height of the insanity, already having taken on the cancer as my problem to solve for years, anguished by my F’s impotence at MNM’s outright mental and physical abuse of him, I had a heart attack. My doctors advised against flying and were working out what meds I should be on, and thought it was a really bad idea to put myself in the most stressful, emotional situation possible. I agreed, relieved to be able to skip MNM’s melodrama and ragefest at those who were to BLAME. (The doctors were to blame because they wouldn’t give him more chemo. I was to blame, too, because my MNM HATES my husband and I “broke my F’s heart” and they didn’t get to see their grandchild often enough. The stress I caused him gave F cancer.) Never was there any thought of me, my F’s only child, losing her F. As usual, EVERYTHING was all about my MNM. “What am I going to do now?” she said.
Then GC died. That’s when the crosshairs turned to me. The stress has almost killed me once. Her screaming, abusive rants on the phone leave me blubbering and non-functional for days. Then she’ll act like she never accused me of horrid things that are delusional lies, like she never threatened me, never called me a POS. Is it dementia? Meanness? Projection? Evil?Gaslighting? All of the above.
Let me be absolutely clear: no matter how absurd you know they (and the things they do and say) are, your MN will literally suck the life (and the will to live) out of you. Stress is a killer. Repressed rage saps your mental and emotional energy. Ask yourself: “What have they ever given to me that I didn’t have to pay for a thousand times?” Nothing. “Do they love me?” No, they don’t, because they, sadly, don’t love anyone–least of all themselves. And if they don’t love themselves, they sure as H@ll don’t love a disappointing POS like you. And the fact that they DO NOT KNOW YOU AT ALL doesn’t mean that they aren’t eager to be your judge, jury and executioner.
I didn’t mention something of the utmost importance in my last post: no matter who the N is in your family, do all you can to keep your children away from them. My observations:
1) Ns either view children as primarily THEIRS–(whether their child, grandchild, their sister, etc.) and are oblivious to the life of their own the child has, no matter how old the child becomes, OR the N views the child as a tool–to plant false, harmful ideas; to pump for information; or to groom for NS — OR BOTH.
2) Ns rarely have had a “normal” childhood and have NO idea how properly to treat children. In front of a judging public audience, Ns are often delightful, sassy, fun, salt-of-the-earth people–but behind closed doors, in their own bubble of reality, they are tyrants. Withering emotional abuse can come out of nowhere, threats of physical abuse or terrifying actions “if you don’t …” are common, physical abuse that does not leave marks is a specialty, and the things they threaten to keep children from “telling” are beyond cruel (putting down beloved pets, throwing beloved toys in the fire, “you’ll never see your parents again”, etc.)
3) DO NOT expect a child left with a N to tell you if the N has abused them, no matter how much you have discussed revealing abuse with a child. To a child, the N seems MUCH more powerful and terrifying than you, and NOT telling is the child’s way of not only protecting her/him self, but also protecting YOU (or whomever the N has threatened).
4) On the flip side, beware of a child bearing gifts every time they come from a visit to the N. They are being GROOMED. If you confront the N and ask that the gifts stop, the N will tell the child (privately) how much they want to give the child x, y, or z, “but [fill in the blank] won’t let me give you presents anymore.” Then the N simply buys all the goodies and keeps them at their house (and the child is sworn to secrecy). Suddenly, the child is eager to visit the N because it means a trip to get a new expensive toy that all the “mean” family members won’t buy–only the N who loves the child “the most” buys them what they want. And just like that, buying THINGS becomes equated with LOVE, and withholding things or taking them back becomes punishment or lack of love. Gifts without strings attached become a thing of the past.
5) If the child is young enough to need help with feeding and especially going to the bathroom, know that these unrewarding, messy tasks wear thin with the N very quickly. N, melodramatic about everything, are no less over the top about their disgust with a child’s bodily functions. This disgust destroys any sense of healthy acceptance of their body you have tried to instill in the child and replaces it with shame. “You are too old to use pull-ups! Why don’t you use the potty, you’re a big girl! We JUST got to the store! Why didn’t you potty before we left! I JUST changed you! You’re wet AGAIN?! You’ll just have to wait, that will teach you. Is that your stinky diaper I smell? I thought you were a big [boy/girl], but I guess you’re still a BABY!”
6) If the child spends enough time with the N, KNOW that if the N disapproves of anything in your home [your spouse, your parenting choices, etc.], the N will try to instill his/her views in the child and undermine your parenting. If you don’t give your child pacifiers, formula, bottles, the N will.
7) Know that the N will criticize you and your family to the child for their own agenda. And it is always a “secret.” Know that the N will pump your child for information: “Does mommy yell at daddy? What does she say?” Know that the N will try to implant ideas in a child that match their own delusions: “Daddy doesn’t buy you the toys you want all the time, does he? I wonder why daddy is so mean to you? Well, if daddy is mean and doesn’t love you, I sure do! I’ll bet daddy spanks you, doesn’t he? Is daddy mean to you? I bet daddy has hit you, hasn’t he?”
8) Know that whatever your N parent did/said to you, s/he will do/say the same things to your child.
9) Know that the dysfunction that your N parent caused in your life, they will cause the same dysfunction in the life of your child that will last until they confront it and work through it. Just as I ask as an adult, “Why couldn’t I just have had a normal mother who loved me for me and simply wanted me to be happy and well-adjusted?”, if I had let her get close to my child, as an adult, my child would be asking, “Why did my N grandparent use and abuse the relationship instead of simply loving and enjoying their innocent grandchild?” and “Why did my parents let it happen?”
10) Make whatever excuses you must, but keep children AWAY from Ns. NO summers at Grandma’s house. No matter how desperate you may be for childcare NEVER LEAVE A CHILD ALONE WITH A N. If you are smart, you will never even leave the room. A N with your children should ALWAYS be supervised. N do NOT “get better” with age. Don’t let Granny fool you and ruin your child’s most precious attribute: their self.
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My narc mother is currently sulking because I asked for an apology relating to her destroying my business by pretending to be me & cashing in on my good will.
It’s the first time I ever asked for an apology from her, she was violent during my childhood & discouraged her children from interacting (we were accused of talking about her if we played together)
I noticed a huge difference between her female & male children. The females were on their own from a very young age, the males were subject to leniency.
Once I left home at 16 she would flirt with my boyfriends and I curled them in her favoured male group, when I divorced she supported my abusive ex-husband leaving me & my daughters to fend for ourselves.
My Dad is now a frightened rabbit running around doing errands for her, he has no opinions. My brothers also put him to work doing errands but we the females are expected to join in with doing errands for my mother.
The worst thing is she blames me & my sister for all of the outcomes which resulted from her behaviour, that is none of her grand daughters visit her mansion, she ignored them and built no sort of connection.
This is so sad. You lived how my current 3 y/o scapegoat granddaughter is living right now. My daughter (like her father) is a full blow narc. She is VERY abusive to my sweet granddaughter and the 1 y/o is already the golden child. My daughter actually disowned me a few months back. I’ve been very sad (losing my only grandchildren) but, I’m trying to recover. My gdaughter is also being sexually abused by her father. She told me so, in her innocent, sweet 3 year old words. I tried to talk to my daughter, she went into a full blown rage and tried to physically attack me. That is when “we” ended. I am single and alone (I do still have my parents) but, this has made me so sad. I’m so sorry for what you had to endure, and I’m even more sorry for what my granddaughter is going to become in the hands of these monsters who call themselves her parents.
Hi: You go NC as well. My ex and daughter (who is now 27 and the mother of my only two granddaughters) are both narc’s. I can not tell you how painful my life has been. First, abuse by her father for 21 years only to realize I have a narc daughter as well. I watched the abuse of my 3 y/o scapegoat granddaughter and the 1 year old golden child unfold before my eyes until March 5th, when I went NC. My heart aches for the pain I know my granddaughters are going to feel, but they are not my children, as my mother reminds me. You just have to grieve who you would have hoped she would have been and move on. It’s so sad…
My mother gave me up for adoption to her parents. She denied this of course and left me for dead NC for a decade before I saw or spoke with her. She blamed her parents for taking care of me; she blamed me for being adopted. The family blamed me for living. I am tired, by the time I was 55 her toxic family and my evil sisters had made me sick using me for a whipping post and slave. Only sorry I didn’t give it up 30 years earlier because even visits were tough and I tried so hard to make things good. So agree, keep your kids away, live your life & enjoy it, be grateful and move far away. In all fairness my dad never came for me and I waited 50 years. He knew what she was and did nothing to protect me. Of course I’ll get screwed out of her estate just a legacy of pain and suffering. I don’t wish anything bad to anyone but the next 40 years are mine. I’ve done enough.
When I was young mum told me to suck in my belly – too fat.
She nicked my clothes and wore them, she screamed madly if I ever questioned her approach/ philosophy/Point of view on anything. Asking her to relfect on a nasty selfish POV always lead to outrage and anger.
She blamed me for disloyalty when my father left us. She says I never took her side.
Knowingly, or unknowlingly, she drove me away and I have lived in the opposite hemispehere to maintain some kind of sanity. On the odd occasion I tried to move back to my country, she made herself unavailable, and then accused me of all kinds of lies her mad imagination came up with. Finally, she confessed that is she had her time over, she never would have had kids. (Thanks). My brother is a deeply damaged non functioning drug addict with load of serious mental illness. They have a deeply co dependent relationship that makes me very sad to witness.
My life feels strangely empty because of the choices I had to make to maintain my sanity, and I think that’s the cost. I have no kids, a failed marriage (with a narcissist who was a master at gaslighting), and a very successful career, that is my excuse for staying away.
It’s kind of weird but I never pieced all this together and understood I was dealing with a ‘Narcissist ma’
makes me so sad. I still wish she could find true happiness and know she never will.
Wish I could too.
Best advice concerning these Ns. Thank you.
There is nothing wrong with any of you to wish yourself freedom from being oppressed. Wishing for the death of a parent whom is a sick narcissist is not abnormal. The pain dealt out to those that are children of the narcisist , ruin lives and effect marriages and offspring. I have a father that is a classic narcisist . He is sadistic, vindictive and an overall hateful person only happy to see me suffer and never wants anything good for me. All we want is to be free from them. His existence on this earth right now is even offensive to me and to the memory of those that he has taken advantage of whom are no longer with us. I pray that God has mercy on the people who still suffer his abuse , and he takes this man out of this world and somehow heals us at the same time. There is no other option which will fully satisfy me. This is the honest truth.
This is a very interesting thread of conversation. I am not familiar with all the abbreviations. The sentiments are so strong.
My parents divorced when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I have listened to “he said/she said” all my life. It was if I was the spouse! I always wished they would just kill each other and leave me in peace. To this day (they are both in their 80’s) they express no concern for my welfare or future. I have not had an easy time of it health wise and also lost a lot of money due to long illness. I am single and have no children. Neither parent ever stepped up to help me. It’s not nice, to say the least. However to hear them go on and on about how each one did the other one wrong in their divorce (about 45 years ago) literally makes me sick. I didn’t marry either one of them.
Such self absorbed people it is unbelievable. I always felt they never appreciated me and were more concerned with their own righteous indignation about their ancient divorce battle. They hated one another more than they loved their children, clearly.
I feel like this too!! Can’t wait. 🙂
Somehow I stumbled across this forum and I can identify with just about everyone especially you I am 57 and just beginning to realize the name of my tormentors I thought I was alone in this unfortunately too many people who have same or similar circumstances we should all form support group
I am so sorry to hear this story. I am glad your ex father in law had the sense to understand the situation and return your young son’s ashes to you.
I am a child of divorce. Neither parent ever supported me or understood my position as much as my grandparents. It is unfortunate that your son was unable to turn to his grandpa before his demise.
Parents often have no idea of the collateral damage their divorce visits upon their children. The scenario of a parent using the children to get revenge on the ex is extremely common. It is the norm, if you can believe it.
I sure wish the boy’s grandparents were able to step in sooner.
I would encourage you to support your ex’s father and his involvement in your other childrens’ lives.
He sounds like a reasonable man who understands what’s what.
My parents hate one another much more than they ever loved me.
My grandparents stepped in and gave me a lot of emotional support. It saved me. My parents were soninvolved in their personal battle with one another they were unable to give me the guidance and support I needed.
Thank goodness for my other relatives. They did not care about my parents’ issues, they cared about me.
Report them! You owe it to that child!
From one anonymous to another –
I feel just as you do. My parents hated each other more than they loved their chidten.
I am grateful for my grandparents and other relatives who taught me about love and respect.
It is unfortunate that all my siblings are far flung. My parents did an excellent job of completely dismantling their entire family.
And yes – this is sadly the norm in divorce.
Don’t remain silent, Bernadette. Prepare for a feast, and at the funeral tell everyone EXACTLY who she was. Afterward, you can exclaim, “Let’s leave that bitch in the box and have a feast!” That’s about what I am going to do. I plan on putting, “Mother, Daughter, Wife, and Narcissist” on her headstone.
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