A betrayal is one of the most painful experiences an individual can experience. ” A betrayal is a broken agreement, implicit or explicit, that is considered vital to the integrity of a relationship. It is a deep violation of trust. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)
The individual who is betrayed is treated with disrespect and dismissal. Betrayal, a deception, finds it origins in nets of dark lies and primitive psychopathology.
There is a sharp sting we experience when we discover that someone we have trusted completely, a person at the core of our lives, has quickly shifted away and turned to other sources of psychological, financial and creative supply. Narcissists know exactly how to choose their victims. They pick those who suit their image, are vulnerable, often trustworthy and creatively talented. What could be better for them then to have a person at their disposal tailor made for maximum narcissistic supply and ego inflation.
Narcissists use and abuse your creative talents in the cruelest of ways. They take your best work, pretend like they are collaborating with you, then abandon you without a scintilla of conscience. Narcissists never look back on their betrayals. They move forward, tripping along in the fast lane of their lives–stealing all of the gold for themselves. One person for them is interchangeable with another.
This occurs in marriages to narcissists. The person with whom you have shared your life has hidden his true identity. Narcissists often lead several lives within one. As a result they are duplicitous in their relationships. Since narcissists have no psychological boundaries or a fully developed conscience, they enter into relationships that their partners believe are close and filled with trust and integrity. These two words trust and integrity are not a part of the narcissist’s values or represent the ways they lead their lives.
You can spend decades with a narcissist, give your love, loyalty and devotion to them and they will betray you. It is just a matter of time and opportunity for them. Narcissists are very restless human beings who are psychologically empty inside. These feelings are harbored in the unconscious but acted out in their relationships. No one can have a genuine relationship with a narcissist. They are not worthy of your trust. You should not give your heart to one of these individuals. They don’t possess the psychological capacity for emotional intimacy and loyalty. The narcissist has the upper hand. His/her masks are irresistible. He is taken with you, fascinated, charmed—as if you are the only person on the face of the earth. Once you are tied to him, attached firmly and have opened your heart, the narcissist knows that there isn’t anything that you won’t do for him. He has cut a deal with you—not a relationship. It is not until the betrayal is exposed that you will know the truth that has been purposely and cruelly hidden from you.
Some victims of narcissistic betrayal keep going back to their perpetrators. This is very unfortunate and the cause of great emotional pain. The sooner that you understand the true nature of the narcissist the better for you to end this empty predatory relationship.
You deserve to heal as you work through the psychological and emotional pain of this series of betrayals. Be kind to yourself and patient. Practice self care every day. You will recover and be freed to use your creativity, to discover there are individuals worthy of your trust and that you can smile and laugh once more.
Your writings, Dr. Lewi, have helped save my life. Other than my acceptance of Christianity, have any writings influenced my life so significantly. [Christianity is opposite to narcissism, providing us all with a defendable identity beyond what we are lead to believe by the narcissist, or any other demeaning influence.]
I relate by having been caught up in a family life-history associated with narcissism, which I resemble to being swallowed-up by an emotional cesspool of polluted quicksand. I believe that only those who really comprehend the destructiveness of narcissism’s cancerous power and afflictions are those having experienced it, as victims, except, perhaps, the narcissists, themselves.
Never will you be so perplexed as to how such sweetness, such goodness and beauty, can exist in such a disguised package of emotional polarity, vulgarity and loathing, as to loot your soul from its roots and divert righteous pursuits with evil intent, conflict and pain.
If you are suffering from a partner, parent, or friend who constantly bullies you into accepting blame, always finding something wrong with you — what you say or what you do, you never “measuring up”, I urge you to read Dr. Lewi’s writings as if your life depends on them — which, other than with the will, love, and power of God, it does. I’m totally convinced that — not until we see, experience, and acknowledge the pattern, the cycles, the consequences, and the devious craftiness the narcissist possesses and employs, are we able to truly comprehend the surgically precise destruction such evil minds pursue.
Remaining at the mercy of narcissistic bullies, trying to endure their behaviors and manipulations by walking on their self-gratifying and contradicting eggshells, is to attempt to live life caught in a hellish quagmire of their self-induced imagery and fantasies of unquenchable perfection. Victims must find ways to free themselves from the narcissist’s parasitic bonds. There is no alternative, if you want to live. Linda, your writings helped me survive and “see”, as I have written. I remain eternally grateful.
Stan,
You write so poignantly, and in such a well-spoken way, You could create your own blog! I love your writing style; it sat well with me. So honest.
Yes, there are many “survivors” here on this blog. It was the first I found after researching; and it remains one of my go-to sources. Again, thanks for saying what you did. It totally gave me a positive explanation and great hope that my pain can be reduced once I get to the point of understanding what you do. I am moving towards that day, inch-by-inch, every single day. Thanks for your testimony. It means alot to me.
With gratitude,
Catherine
I wanted to thank you for giving me something to give my step-son something to think about, something to read. I’ll be getting the book as well ASAP. At this very moment as I write this, the poor kid is sitting in jail. He’s been with the poster-child for Narcissists a couple of years now & they have a 6 month old daughter. When we found out she was pregnant his mother & I should of been over joyed. We were not. We were afraid. Afraid for my step-son. We saw right through her and we said so, to him – not realizing of course that doing that would only blind him further. She has a history of narcissistic behavior and we thought maybe he’d see that. He did not. My wife predicted the series of events that would play out and sure enough, they played out exactly as she predicted. My step-son’s ex had a restraining order placed on him. He’s been doing things by the book, following the letter of the law and she’s been doing things underhandedly and low and sadly, she’s winning – or at least hurting him greatly. It’s so painful to watch and being helpless hurts all of us, his family.
He mentioned to a 3rd party mutual friend ( on Facebook which wasn’t the smartest thing to do but thats how this generation communicates ) only that he wanted 50/50 custody of his daughter and that he wasn’t plotting to take his daughter 100% of the time. He was never malicious in his comments, never a threat, he didn’t mention her by name even. This got back to the ex, and somehow – that was enough to violate the restraining order. ( even one of the arresting deputies admitted he never saw anything like that in a restraining order ) I wish there were more to the story, I’ve always supported law enforcement. My dad was a cop 26 years. I have nothing but respect for the law but in this case they over stepped their authority big time. No warrant was shown and as of this posting a full 48 hours after his arrest still no warrant has been shown to him, and my step son wasn’t read his Miranda rights either. They also picked him up purposely on Friday evening after 6pm so he’d have to spend the weekend in jail. When my wife pointed this out to the arresting sheriff he actually smiled. That hurt. I lost a lot of respect for my counties sherif’s department and I do plan on contacting the ACLU on this. They are, I believe, under the influence of her “charming” personality,…to say the VERY least and to keep this post family friendly.
I’ve been doing everything possible to keep him positive but I fear I’m losing the battle especially when things like this happen. Then I saw your blog and the content and I soaked in as much as I could. I think this may help him at least understand what and who he’s been dealing with the past 3 years or so. Maybe once he understands what people like this are capable of and the depths of depravity they will sink to he can better prepare himself for the fight ahead of him. He’s not an unreasonable kid, willing to give her 50% custody but after reading some of this content on your blog I have to say, I hope he doesn’t give her that much. I would hate for my grand daughter to have to not only experience life with a Narcissist but to end up like her in any way, shape or form.
I also hope I can find him a great attorney and QUICKLY – Pro bono would be nice so I don’t have to mortgage my home, but I’m willing to do so. I wouldn’t if I didn’t feel that this kid was 110% on the right side of the law, and the right side of life. He is. I haven’t known him long, or relationship has been brief but meaningful. I have never seen this kid show a bad bone in his body. Rarely if ever does he have anything negative to say about anyone. Even his ex, he feels sorry for her – he says “…she doesn’t understand how bad she hurts people.” Now, I know why she says that – and why he says what he says. I can only hope he makes the connection upon reading the book.
So, thank you for the blog and for helping a good kid find his light at the end of the tunnel.
-maxi
What I find astonishing is the web of lies and deceit the narcissist previously in my life, created. I find it hard to fathom how anyone could have the energy to keep all the plates spinning, all those multiple lives going. It must be exhausting! I am still coming to terms with the levels of duplicity that the narcissist was capable of. I realise I never really knew him and saw only what I wanted to see; basically my projection of a ‘good’ person. How delusional was I? And very unsuspecting, at least at first. Now some months on; and still being bullied (psychically, I’m still owed money), and with no contact, it is only now that I’m beginning to find out the truth. The man has destroyed lives, and yet all the while portrayed himself as the victim. I was such a sucker and gave him sympathy and support! And lent him money. (I could kick myself). The initial hurt of betrayal has passed, I don’t take his actions/words/bullying/threats/ intimidation personally. This is just how he interacts with people who disagree with him. I have become the ‘bad’ object in his eyes. But I do find it so astonishing that a person can function in this way and still live with themselves. I am relieved though that I escaped him, I saw beneath the mask, realised he was a dangerous narcissist and hope I never cross paths with him again. I literally shudder when I think of him.
Evil wears the human face of a Narcissist. The destruction and devastation they leave in their wake is fueled by black hatred thats hard to comprehend until you experience being it’s target.
What amazes me is how the legal system supports their dark agendas with such facility and how devastating it is to children.
Get as far away as you can while you can. Change your number and get off the grid. Leave the country. It’s not worth the risk of them knowing where you are.
Evil wears the human face of a Narcissist. The destruction and devastation they leave in their wake is fueled by black hatred thats hard to comprehend until you experience being it’s target.
What amazes me is how the legal system supports their dark agendas with such facility and how devastating it is to children.
Thier abuse is soul murder.
To Sara you are so right about these evil people, they do murder your soul and will betray you over and over, it’s all about them, they are truly dead inside
These blogs are like warm milk to me…soothing my fractured heart as I heal. As I read the blogs and the responses I wonder if there shouldn’t be a national resource that others can turn to to identify Narcissists. Some sort of list that could warn people before they get sucked into the charm? If child abusers can be named, shouldn’t these devils be named too and exposed for the protection of others?
when I read you can spend decades with a narcissist I got chills..I was with my ex husband for 30 years… Now I will stop beating myself up for not seeing his true colors…hindsight is beautiful..this article hit home with me….thank you very much for writing this…It has helped me on my journey of healing and truly becoming whole…
like you …. I felt an over all warming of recognition and understanding when I read this wonderful article. . I was with my ex husband 30 years. I am glad to have these years without him to explore my world in a healthier way..
Catherine…
I’m a Catherine as well….and a survivor of being hurt by a man with a narcissistic personality. It’s a beautiful thing we can heal and grow emotionally…I have my own issues but I am so grateful I don’t have narcissistic personality. They don’t have real feelings or a conscious. I feel sorry for them but I don’t want to get close to them ever again. My ex betraying me after 30 years of marriage truly is a gift to me….
Stay strong…keep breathing
Catherine …Cathy
Reading your blogs has really helped me get through this nightmare, like the others here i was married for 34 years t a narcissist, went through years of chaos drama ,porn addiction, getting blamed for everything, i was on anti depressant,s for years, he turned my mum and sister against me with his lies,they told me i should be grateful for having such a good man as nobody else would put up with my depression which only depressed me more because he had the whole world fooled into thinking it was me that was the problem,deep down i knew it was him but because i kept getting told how great he was by everyone i took the blame,when the end finally happened he did it in true narcissist style every thing was normal so i thought it was xmass when had gone out for dinner the night before,the next day from nowhere he turned into a snarling dog for no reason,ruined the whole 2 week Christmas and new year for everyone went into sullen mood,i had had enough and told him i was done,the monster i saw scared the living daylights out of me,utter contempt hatred poison spewed out from him his lip curled up like a vicious dog, that was all i had to see i saw who he really was it wakens me up to what he was,later i found out he had a new woman ready and waiting for him and had been hiding money away so seems it was a part of his plan behave so bad so i would finish with him and he could still look like the good man.in reality it,s me who,s the good decent person but i have had my integrity and good name dragged through the mud 3 years after he left i am still struggling in every way while him and his new woman have 3 hols a year.
Can you tell me how you began to heal? My husband walked out after 21 years of marriage and I’ve now realized he definitely has a narcissistic personality. I’m having such trouble making sense of things. Any advice?
Sherry
I’m sorry you experience such devastation, if you don’t mind me asking, were there any red flags through out the years that you remember?
My ex-sister is very dangerous & toxic. She came from Jersey (her home) to “help”(herself)….down here, where we (my Ma-dying of cancer) & I live-Florida.
Oct 9 2016, I discovered that my ex-sister stole my inheritence. I asked her about it & she went ballistic, called 911 & had the cops throw me in jail WHILE MY MA WAS ON HER DEATHBED!!! She lied to the cops saying I threw china dishes at her….(a total lie)…of course the cops believed her…she has lying down to a science. Upon release from jail, I find out she is living in MY HOUSE, & has a restraining order, in Florida, that meant I could not go home, nor could I collect my medications (i had 2 seizures because of this & wound up in the ER. I lived like a refugee for 9 days & no 3rd party was allowed to my house to get my meds, & my beloved animals…(I was anguished, worrying are my animals still alive) My Ma died Oct 16. I only got to see her once because I was terrified of running into my ex-sister, if that happened, she could throw me in jail again.
When she finally went home, I was able to get back into my house to discover that she totally ransacked my house to steal the title to the car that I BOUGHT FOR MY MA! She also stole the deed to my house, the title & keys to my brand new Jeep! On top of the thousands stolen. Once she got back to Jersey, she began texting my Fiance, saying I was cheating on him!Another lie! Now she is trying to have me institutionalized for “mental illness”in order to steal my house & brand new Jeep!
On the other hand, I am very fortunate in that I have a very large & strong family & they all turned against my ex-sister, because they all discovered that they were victimized by her too.