Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Predatory Female Narcissists-Watch Out

Statistically there is a preponderance of male narcissists but the female ones are gaining ground. Narcissists cause a lot of pain on many levels all the time. As long as a narcissist is working his/her manipulations and deceits successfully, other people are hurting. This includes his spouses and children.

There is a special group of female narcissists who are highly predatory—always on the hunt. They check out their prey with the instincts of a lioness on the Serengeti. They play a variety of roles: sophisticated ladies, sirens in disguise, “I’m your best friend” types, indispensable servants, “call me anytime” gals, etc.

Men have a difficult time understanding how devious some women are, especially narcissistic divas. Too many times I have seen them through the lens of a tour d’force performance. Narcissistic woman selects the power professional–handsome, well educated, high income, socially polished, near the top. She maneuvers herself into meeting him. He finds her dazzling, gorgeous, attentive to him and filled with the right chemistry. Her detailed plan is unfolding. He is enraptured. She cleverly feigns her inability to resist him. The two are inseparable. In a few months she is pregnant. He is surprised but subject to his instincts and impulses. She wants marriage, money and lifestyle. He acquiesces. They marry. For a while it appears to be idyllic. Then the worm turns. The marriage begins to falter. (part of her plan) He was so taken with her, there is no prenup. After a while, lawyers are hired. She knows the cleverest ones since she has directed this movie before. She gets more than half of the money and possessions. Narcissistic divas use a living human being they call their child as collateral to ensure their financial security and the success of her enterprise.

Ultimately, if you suspect that your partner might be a narcissist then it is probably in your best interest to considering getting a prenuptial agreement prior to getting married. Signing a prenup can protect your assets in case you end up deciding to split, and this can make the divorce process much easier. To learn more about how to complete a prenup, try reaching out to a team of Los Angeles prenup attorneys or to a team of prenup experts in your area.

Protect yourself from these predatory female narcissists by studying the narcissistic personality in detail and depth. Become aware of your specific weaknesses and past painful experiences with these connivers. Let your intuition override your chemical and visual attraction. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists Harm Their Children

The sociopathic narcissist appears in innumerable disguises. Since childhood they are been refining a persona that is magnetic, charming and irresistible to others. They study human nature, understand emotional vulnerabilities and know precisely whom and when to attract those individuals who will fulfill their wishes and desires. Early on this child learned directly from the parent, that life was all about winning in all of its forms–money, prestige, praise, fame, material acquisitions, competing and winning at the top tiers of power. There are parents who program their small children to become successful, compete and defeat others who are in their way and teach them to be ruthless and uncaring as long as they reach their goals. Children are taught to take a “no prisoners” attitude about other human beings. If someone cannot perform for you and get you directly to your goal, discard them. If they are in your way, make their life so miserable that they can no longer compete with you. If they persist, find cunning methods to destroy their reputations, financial security and emotional well being. These lessons are taught early and they resonate deeply in the child.

Some children of sociopathic narcissists have access to an inner part of themselves who intuitively knows that what the parent is demanding of them is wrong and inconsistent with their own nature. I have heard many stories of grown children who bucked the narcissistic parent and suffered the consequences. They were quickly discarded psychologically and cut permanently out of the family circle.

The spouse of the sociopathic narcissist is often complicit through her psychological weakness, her addiction to a certain lifestyle and her fear of being cast out of paradise. She is so distressed and feels incapable of leading an independent life, that she colludes with the sociopathic narcissist who controls the family.

Some children in these families become sociopathic narcissists like mom or dad. After all, this is the family tradition and heritage. They often learn to outdo the parent and become even more ruthless, unethical and conniving than their original teacher. Children in these families who do not follow the “winning at any cost” rules are left on their own without support of any kind. Mother or father won’t pay for their educations, demeans them constantly and undermine their individuality and creativity. The pain that these discarded children suffer is extreme. Many of them leave home early in their midteens to look for ways to survive. They are estranged from the siblings that went along with the narcissistic parent, These siblings despise the ones who were cast out and do everything they can to make their lives miserable. There is no opportunity for a “prodigal son or daughter” reunion with the narcissistic parent. The familial doors have been locked and the compound is sealed off.

Those who survive the sociopathic narcissistic parent have a long hard scrabble road ahead of them. I have communicated with these adult children. They endured many psychological and monetary harsh winters of striving to just get the bare necessities. For many, the wounds of childhood are still raw and painful. Others persevere through arduous work and schooling (every cent paid by them alone) to achieve their professional goals. As adults many of these individuals have difficulty finding partners who are supportive and empathic. Some fall in love with narcissists and sociopathic narcissists. They end up repeating the torments of childhood. This demonstrates the depth of pain the child of such parents experienced. They were never protected or cherished or felt special and valued. It is not surprising that they would find partners who would treat them with disrespect, cruelty and contempt.

Some of these adult children break the cycle of self harm and sever their relationship with the sociopathic narcissist. They redefine themselves, develop a sense of self entitlement and renew themselves as individuals who have moved beyond the pain of their family of origin and into a life that they deserve where there is hope, self initiative, inner peace and psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

What You Don’t Know About the Narcissist Can Harm You

You and the narcissist may share the same time and space in a family, business or marriage but you are planets apart.The narcissist thrives in a world of delusion of his/her making. The narcissist’s visions of reality are grandiose, skewed to an absolute belief in his superiority. He holds ultimate power and control over others through manipulations, deceits and chronic lying. We may not recognize that the individual we are meeting is a narcissist, especially if he/she is masterful at playing his roles. If you do not react the way he perceives you will, he is very adept at switching to another character in his drama. All of this is a convincing act but fraudulent.

Narcissists don’t change; their personality structure is rigid and very unlikely to change..
Narcissists generally don’t benefit from psychotherapy because they are certain that the problem(s) originates and is being driven by others—spouses, children, siblings, business associates. The narcissist believes he is flawless; the difficulty is with others not him. If you cross the narcissist, at times he/she will relentlessly pursue you. They go to war in certain situations. It is particularly ugly in divorce proceedings, division of property and material possessions and custody decisions.

In extreme instances the narcissist decides that he/she can wreck you life on every level—personal and professional. Narcissists always know that they will win. They persuasively lie to everyone, including judges, therapists and lawyers. Their confidence overflows with hubris. Without a conscience they throw threats, intimidations, defamations of character where ever they might stick. They often get away with their outrageous and destructive behaviors. Many narcissists present themselves as victims and convince many people through the fine art of lying. They have been practicing perfidy since they were children.

Learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder. It is well worth doing your homework.
The earlier you identify a narcissist, the greater the edge you have in either avoiding this individual or giving yourself a head start on dealing with this person.
Trust and deepen your intuition—that quality that tells us the truth directly and accurately.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, learn to detach your feelings from their psychological bait.
Practice some form of quieting your body/mind—yoga, restorative yoga, meditation, tai chi, etc. This will provide you with powerful techniques for grounding yourself.
Always remember that the narcissist is projecting his/her venom and other contents of the unconscious most of the time. This is the narcissist’s noxious unconscious remnants. They do not belong to you.
Learn to detach from the narcissist’s histrionics. These individuals are waiting for you to overreact. Maintain your sense of emotional equilibrium so they will not have you as a target. Don’t share any of your deep feelings with the narcissist. He or she will use them to manipulate your vulnerabilities.
Appreciate your uniqueness and your entitlement to lead a life of inner peace, meaningful relationships with those who appreciate you and the expansion of your creativity.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop Playing the Role of Narcissistic Supply

A narcissistic supply feeds the narcissist’s hungry ego. Narcissistic supplies come in many forms: praise, adulation, high social status, wealth, beauty, handsomeness, athletic prowess, celebrity. The narcissist chooses certain people to come into his/her life and act as ego boosting, narcissistic supplies. With this other individual at his side, he believes that his elaborate image will score even higher points in the world. The narcissists who succeed with money and power are highly prized by those in this present self-obsessed society. The media idolizes and reward narcissists as do large swaths of the business and professional world. If a narcissist is at a high enough level he or she can get away with almost anything.

The narcissist cannot have an authentic relationship with another human being. People to him are objects to be manipulated, seduced and exploited for their value to him. The narcissist perceived other individuals as part of him that will enhance and enrich his image and status in the world. Narcissists uses spouses, partners and their own children as supplies.

If you are picked by a narcissist to be his/her partner or spouse, it is vital to be aware that this person is incapable of having a genuine psychologically intimate relationship. Regardless of the persuasiveness of his act that gravitates you to him, the narcissist has no intention nor is he capable of sustaining a loving reciprocal relationship. He is a masterful actor and leads many to believe that he loves them deeply. But this is part of his elaborate act to maintain his control over you and to keep his ego supplies well stocked.

To protect yourself from the narcissist, learn about every detail of this personality disorder. If you have finally recognized that this individual is a narcissist and cannot truly love or appreciate who you are, distance yourself from this person. The best action is to sever this “relationship”, deal with your painful feelings of sadness, regret and broken hopes and to move forward with your life rather than remain a living accoutrement of his/hers. The work of ending these relationships may be helped with high quality psychotherapy as well as healing modalities: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the deep caring of a few close friends. You deserve to lead your life as an individual who respects and values herself and is treated in this manner. You are unique and valuable. Get in touch with those facets of yourself. Give yourself credit from the journey you have made from playing the role of narcissistic supply to leading your life fully and freely as a separate authentic human being. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing from the Narcissistic Mother

I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don’t understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable—night and day. She was a very “busy” woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn’t wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the “happy family”, the “loving mother” and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist.

Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless. The narcissistic mother colludes with the golden child, providing him/her with every educational opportunity. He/she is the recipient of all the praise, entitlement and raised to a position of prominence in the family. I have heard of homes that were filled with trophies or certificates earned by the golden child throughout the years. His/her siblings were required to look up to this chosen child and to obey them. These situations can turn very ugly. The chosen child can inflict severe psychological damage on his siblings. They are often threatened and intimidated and treated with severe humiliation.

Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. Be sure that the therapist has a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder. Practice calming the mind and body through gentle yoga with emphasis on calming breath, various forms of meditation including guided meditation and other healing modalities. Know that you will reclaim your life. There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Staying Married to a Sociopathic Narcissist for the Lifestyle-Not Good for Anyone II

Sociopathic narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder but are further along the spectrum to being sociopaths. They are self absorbed, highly manipulative, chronic liars, lead double and triple lives and have absolutely no empathy (They fake it very well.) Women are drawn to them and often find them irresistible. These men (and there are female sociopathic narcissists) are so clever that they have fooled many psychotherapists. Sociopathic narcissists are often obsessed with wealth–obtaining it, removing it from others and growing it to increase their power in the world. Many of those who today are standouts in our societal and political system are sociopathic narcissists. They know how to play every angle and loophole of the law, surrounded by a cadre of clever lawyers who know exactly how to play the legal system. They spend hundreds of thousands of dollar each year to make sure that they can sue whoever is getting in their way.

Women who marry these pathological individuals often do so without realizing it. That’s how charming and convincing they are. Sociopathic narcissists are consummate actors and facilely move from one part to the next. They can be philanthropic if it suits their image and will provide them with essential narcissistic supplies of praise and adulation.

In the home they are tyrants. Some women make the deal with the devil and stay married to them because they are leading a life on the surface that is filled with the excitement of living at the top tier of the social ladder. It is very tempting to have a public image that is admired, to be friends with the movers and shakers, to know that you are beyond financially secure and that your investments, trusts and portfolio will expand and bulge.

From a psychological perspective, this picture is not so lovely. Those who marry sociopathic narcissists will eventually experience the sharp, ugly, treacherous side of this personality. Once the bright sparkle has come off of the marriage, the sociopathic narcissist reveals his fangs and they are sharp and ready to tear without mercy. When this spouse is no longer intrigued with you and you cannot supply him any longer, you become the enemy is despises and intends to vanquish. Spouses on the receiving end speak of endless tirades, dreadful humiliations, demands for perfection and even apologies (for what–being human) Some women decide that they must stay in the marriage to protect the children and the family. They don’t realize the severe psychological damage this causes their children. A child would rather have one loving parent in reduced material circumstances than be trapped in a family from hell with a sociopathic narcissist. I have heard too many stories on this theme and know that children choose love, protection and caring over anything material.

If you are in the process about considering a divorce from a sociopathic narcissist, take time to research your plan of action. Interview attorneys, Ask the hard questions that will indicate if they are qualified to work for you and get the best result for you and your children. Tune in carefully and ask questions that will reveal if the lawyer you have chosen understands how sociopathic narcissists operate. Make sure your attorney has the knowledge, understanding of the dark edge of human nature and the courage to represent you. It is worth interviewing several attorneys. I know of so many women who were so stressed that they didn’t take this time and settled for someone who took their money and didn’t represent them and the interests of their children.

When you are free from living in the psychological prison of the sociopathic narcissist, you will be surprised at the changes in your thought patterns, sleep patterns, the calming of your nervous systems, the blooming of your creativity and most important—how your children are now able to live each day free from the moment to moment constraints and anxieties that their narcissistic father/mother placed on them constantly. Take credit for your courage and strength of will to travel this road to psychological and emotional freedom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Psychotherapists—Taking Advantage of Desperate Individuals

When you are having a major anxiety attack, can barely move around because you are very depressed, are having obsessive thoughts day and night—–you are feeling desperate. Every moment is torture. Many of these individuals who are suffering need highly skilled psychotherapy. You are recommended to a therapist by your physician or referred by a friend or have researched psychotherapists in your area. You must get relief; your symptoms are increasing. It is difficult to think clearly. Many individuals who are suffering from severe psychological symptoms go to recommended psychotherapists. Many of these professionals are excellent in their clinical training qualifications, have high ethical standards and are very empathic. They are the fortunate ones. I have had too many contacts with people who have suffered horribly, went to a therapist who was not only incompetent but a narcissistic personality. These are psychotherapists in name, degree and license only. The more desperate you are, the more intrigued they become, especially if you have a generous insurance policy or the money to pay them. Even high level referrals can result in getting a narcissistic therapist. I have seen this happen a number of times.

There is no therapy occurring when you go to a narcissist. These individuals are in the therapy business for money motives, the narcissistic supplies that come with their degrees and clinical training and their area of specialty. It is very important that clients who are desperate have someone whom they can trust to make sure that the psychotherapist recommended will be of high quality professionally and personally. Others can benefit from learning many of the cues that you can detect when you meet a narcissist. First, don’t be swayed by the education, credentials or clinical experience of the therapist. This can hold weight certainly. Learning how to identify a narcissistic personality is essential. Is this person self absorbed? Does he or she make a lot of references to himself during the session? Is the therapist making good eye contact and is there a feeling of empathy in the verbal and nonverbal communication from this person to you. Do you feel comfortable and secure in the therapist’s presence? Is he listening intently? Do you feel secure and supported in his presence? Is there a noticeable focus on payment? Is the therapist charging exorbitant fees for services? Do you feel free to express yourself and all of your feelings or do you sense judgmental thinking. When tuning into your intuition, do you have a sense that the therapist is encouraging an inordinate emotional dependence on him.Is the therapist increasing the number of sessions per week without giving an explanation.

Narcissistic psychotherapists are smooth operators. They even fool other therapists they are so slick. Non productive “therapy” can go on for years. The only thing that has been accomplished is the increase of the narcissistic therapist’s bank account, stock portfolio and other material possessions. You are a means to an end, not a client who deserves respect, empathy and the highest quality of psychotherapy. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Always trust your intuition. You hold the truth–trust it. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Make Yourself Sick over a Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissists cause stress, emotional pain and in some cases, physical illness to their spouses. They have been berated, verbally abused, humiliated and constantly criticized for many years. Every time the abused spouse is attacked by the narcissist, the stress hormones become activated and the fight or flight syndrome goes into gear.

“Can I survive another moment of this. He’s (She’s) grinding me down into a pulp. I’m confused, exhausted.; I can’t think straight. What has happened to me?” Those are the questions victims of the narcissist ask themselves incessantly. But the problem with so many of these spouses is that they keep holding on to the narcissist. There are so many reasons for staying in harness on this wild ride into delusion. There’s the lifestyle for some which they are accustomed to. It is very difficult for many people to face the fact that they will be living in reduced financial circumstances when the marriage is legally dissolved. Others are distressed by a complete change in their social milieu and what some call status. There are those who still believe that, despite the fact and evidence that the narcissist has harmed and diminished their lives in a variety of ways, they must keep the family together, make all the sacrifices. And then, there is the emotional pain of the loss of the dream of the marriage to this partner and all the what-ifs and could-have-beens.

Some non-narcissistic spouses are so determined to stay married to an abusive narcissistic partner, that they hold enough stress within their bodies to become physically sick. There are a variety of symptoms and conditions: high blood pressure, IBS, chronic allergies, chronic bronchitis, frequent bouts of physical exhaustion, ulcers, colitis and many other ailments. For some, this is a wake up call. The spouse realizes that she/he can no longer sacrifice her life to the narcissist to the point of becoming physically ill. For those who decide to end the marriage at this point, there is a rode to psychological, emotional and the building up of one’s physical health and stamina. Some people report that they feel the relief, the renewed energy of re-starting their lives. They have left the burdensome past behind and are now lighter, freer, more creative and healthier on every level. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists have double standards

Narcissists have “standards” for themselves and different one’s for others, especially those who are not within their privileged inner circle. The narcissist experiences himself as perfect regardless of all of his/her shortcomings, malicious acts, chronic lies, hurtful manipulations and belittling of those who are in disfavor.
This often includes their family members: spouses,children, siblings and those whom they view as rivals they are plotting to defeat. If the narcissist becomes fixated on you because he knows in advance what you can do to enhance his image or fatten his pocketbook and stock portfolio, for a while you are the answer to his dreams and desires. Once he has deluded you and gotten what he has wanted, you are discarded in exchange for someone else whom he fancies will fulfill another grand delusion. If you area married to a narcissist you know how it works with them. They are always right, perfect, without mistake and you are always wrong (even when you are incredibly competent).

When you are a child growing up in a narcissistic household you must do what is necessary to survive.When you are grown and begin to recognize the narcissist as a severe personality disorder, you will recognize with research and your own observations that these individuals are incapable of any real relationships. Narcissists always live by double standards. If you are living with one of these disturbed individuals it becomes necessary in many instances to sever your contact with them. After going through this process which is often difficult and takes a lot of perseverance, you find yourself in charge of your own life, enjoying the freedom of your personal thoughts and feelings and an upsurge in your unique creativity and your pathway to inner peace and personal growth. Visit my website www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Detoxification and Self Renewal from the Narcissistic Mother

In this post I am speaking about the psychological and emotional detoxification and self renewal from the narcissistic mother. The first step is the recognition and awakening by the child that this individual is a narcissistic personality disorder who will not change. This realization often occurs in adulthood and is a difficult realization. The child cannot believe that his/her mother can be so cruel and cold and dismissive of someone so close to her biologically. In the next stage the child of the narcissistic mother goes through a process of releasing and cleansing many emotions—loss, anger, rage, regret, guilt and many others–as part of the process of healing. In the last phase the child separates and individuates from the parent and is-identifies from this person. In this phase there is a re-discovery of your unique identity, creativity, energy, stamina, intellectual curiosity. Engaging yourself with the world of Nature if one of the great pathways to healing. Practices such as gentle yoga, guided meditation, meditation, the support of close friends will allow to steady your mind and to develop a sense of deep inner peace. Here’s to your full recovery. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com