Tag: Narcissistic Personality

The narcissist is always right and must win, regardless of those whom he injures, even if they are spouses, children, siblings, parents, or friends. The singular purpose of the narcissist’s life is power, material acquistion and the manipulation and control of others. As a result the narcissist treats those closest to him with an ingrained ruthlessness, after he decides they are of no further use to him. This includes his children. After all, he/she can marry someone else and produce others.

The budding narcissist learns from the time that he/she is very young that the only game to master is winning. He internalizes this “value” very early from his parent(s) who through their greediness, coldness, lack of empathy, overriding ambition and hubris, teach their child to exploit everyone in their lives to get whatever they want. Even as small children, budding narcissists are brutal with their playmates. They cheat at games, tell lies to alienate one friend from another, and will step over anyone for first prize. Narcissists get away with their cruelties when they are young because often their parents lack conscience and are narcissists themselves who firmly believe that the purpose of life is to acquire and control as much power and money as possible.

Most people are unaware of the extreme lengths a narcissist will ravel to “win.” In divorce situations their corrosive personality is particularly disturbing. The narcissist believes that he is the victim and therefore entitled to what he wants. Narcissists find professionals who will hide their assets leaving the spouse in little or no monetary security. When the time comes for dividing property, investments or money, there is little or nothing left. The narcissist has used a pre-emptive strike on the spouse and gotten away with it. In fact the narcissist celebrates this victory and views the former spouse as a weak, pitiful person whom he justifiably discarded.

Develop a well informed understanding of the narcissist’s personality structure, how he or she operates and what you can do to both protect yourself and prevail in situations with them. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Ultimately, staying married to a narcissist is psychologically damaging to the spouse and children in the family. Many non-narcissistic spouses make conscious and unconscious decisions to remain in the marriage. I often hear from spouses who didn’t realize that they were married to narcissists for decades. They believed that they deserved the abuse and humiliations and demands that were constantly heaped on them. They went along with the lies, believing the narcissist. They became emotionally upset–anxious and depressed–and made excuses for their narcissistic spouse. When we marry someone we are not aware of the totality of their personality. Narcissists are often very charming and compelling–even irresistible. Many narcissists are exceedingly successful in the world and create very comfortable life styles for their spouses and children. The non-narcissistic spouse often has a career that is successful as well.

Eventually, the narcissistic traits–lying, psychological cruelty, manipulations, constant criticisms, perfectionism, volcanic rage–become more apparent to the other spouse. The psychological pain worsens; the stress heightens. Some spouses try psychotherapy. This does not work with narcissists. They will sabotage the psychotherapy and often have the therapist take their side. The narcissist has a very rigid personality structure; he or she believes and knows that he is perfect, entitled to whatever he wants and can do no wrong. The narcissist has neither empathy nor conscience. He or she is clever at displaying a false empathy which can be convincing to most people. The conscience of the narcissist is not developed; it amounts to not getting caught.

I know that many who are married to narcissists have made the decision to remain where they are. My purpose in this post is to illuminate the narcissist’s true nature so that more spouses will become specifically aware of narcissistic psychopathology, how the narcissist perceives himself/herself and those who are impacted by his personality disorder.

Your life and your unique gifts and creativity matter. You are entitled to inner peace and the psychological space to grow. If you have children, they are entitled to the same. Understanding the narcissistic personality on a deeper level will help you to protect yourself and deal with him/her in the marital situation or in making a decision to divorce the narcissistic spouse. For more specific information on the narcissistic personality disorder, blogs and podcasts, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
TLinda elephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic personality is grandiose, self absorbed, manipulative and lacks empathy. The narcissist builds and protects his image–which represents for him/her his true identity. How he appears to others–attractive, brilliant, talented, socially skilled, powerful in the world–is essential to who he is.

Some narcissists cross over the line into sociopathic behaviors when they have lost control of their ever-present rage. This often happens in the middle of a divorce. The narcissist feels himself losing control over the outcome of the proceedings. He is at war with his soon to be ex-spouse. He pulls out all the stops and threatens and intimidates the other party. He uses strong armed tactics and serious verbal threats to terrorize the other party in order to get his way. At this point the narcissist is displaying sociopathic traits. He or she is caring less about image and the consequences of his threats and intimidations than what he knows he deserves—-complete victory for himself and defeat and destruction of the spouse. The ends for him justify the means, even if he is threatening his spouse and children with physical harm.

Some spouses of narcissists are unable to recognize that their narcissistic partner has crossed over the line because they are so accustomed to being treated with cruelty, threats and humiliations. It’s all the same to them. The abused spouse may not even be aware that her children must be protected and taken out of harm’s way.

After life with a narcissist, the person who has been the recipient of constant abuse for so many years needs to make certain steps toward recovery. One of the first and most difficult is the recognition that you are entitled to lead a life that is psychologically secure and safe, that you deserve your peace and that you as an individual have value. Each day you will grow and feel more entitled to lead the life that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In a desperate effort to save her/his marriage some non-narcissistic partners turn to couples therapy. The narcissist enters marriage therapy with no intention of cooperation. In some instance he or she is able to manipulate the therapist into taking his side. This leaves the psychologically injured spouse in a state of confusion and emotional isolation.

Couples therapy is not effective with narcissists. These individuals know for certain that they are superior and perfect. All of the problems in the marriage have been caused by the partner, not them. In some instances if the narcissist enters couples therapy he or she is able to manipulate the therapist into siding with him, leaving the abused partner in a state of confusion and emotional isolation.

I suggest that the non-narcissistic spouse enter one on one psychotherapy (if they make the decision to participate in therapy) with a highly skilled clinician who is highly informed on the nature of the narcissistic personality disorder. The strong therapeutic alliance that is formed provides the client with insight, a working through of psychological conflicts and a strong source of support for making the decision of whether to remain in the marriage or to divorce.

To learn more about the true nature of the narcissistic personality, their psychodynamics, their exploitive games and how to deal with them successfully, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Being married to a narcissistic husband and wife is stressful and exhausting. On constant call, serving them and being the recipient of the narcissist’s outrageous demands, temper tantrums and incessant criticisms and humiliations, saps your psychological and physical energy. Many spouses wait decades to make the final decision. They keep thinking that the narcissist will change. Many husbands and wives believe that if they make every effort with their spouse to respond to their ego needs that the narcissist will finally recognize their value and have an insight. This does not happen to narcissists as you finally know. You understand that the narcissistic personality structure is rigid like steel and is very unlike to change. You make the decision and follow through with the divorce. This is a very difficult, especially since narcissists are particularly uncooperative with this process. They roadblock and sabotage their way through the divorce. Many of them misappropriate assets in clever ways that leave the other spouse in a difficult financial situation.

After you are legally divorced from your narcissistic spouse, the work of remaking and reworking your life begins. If you have been financially and psychologically independent throughout the marriage, the transition will not be as difficult. Many spouses married to narcissists realize very early that there is no real relationship between the two of them. When the divorce comes, it is no surprise to them. Other individuals believe that they can make the relationship work (They must try harder; they tell themselves) and hold on to the shattered dream of the marriage ’til the very end. These spouses need special help maneuvering the rough waters in the aftermath of the divorce. Researching and finding a skilled psychotherapist is a good starting point. Gathering loyal friends around you for support offers an environment of emotional safety and security. Being heard and understood by these friends furthers the healing process.

Be patient with yourself. You will have rough days. Don’t make harsh self judgments. You have undergone a great trauma being married to and divorcing a narcissistic spouse. The body and mind are always seeking healing and equilibrium. Work with this natural process. Pay attention to your dreams—they are wise messengers. Let yourself cry and grieve. Take time for yourself every day to meditate, journal, listen to music—whatever you do that you find to be calming and recuperative. Take care of yourself physically. Eat foods that will sustain your health and increase your energy, Exercise in the ways that are best suited to you—walking, the gym, yoga– physical activities that you enjoy. Getting enough sleep is vital. Sleep is the great healer–a blessing and balm to the body, mind and psyche. Your life is being renewed. Be kind to yourself.

Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Each narcissistic is unique in his or her own way. Despite this, they have fixed characterlogical traits: lack of empathy, ruthlessness, obsessive lying, exploitation of others, chronic deception, delusional grandiosity, self absorption, lack of conscience. The seeds of these personality traits are sown in early childhood. There is a spectrum of narcissism that includes the sociopathic narcissist. These individuals are even more destructive to others, including their own children, spouses, ex-spouses, partners, siblings. They leave no one spared when they decide to make their hostile, ruthless moves. If you are in their way they will use treacherous methods to psychologically and financially trample you like a herd of wildebeests. They are toxic to all human beings, even those within their adoring golden circle. They play dirtier than most people can imagine. I frequently hear from their victims. In some instances the early warning signs is extreme verbal abuse, violent rages and horrific intimidations. Their victims have a difficult time and are ashamed of revealing that there was physical violence involved—a shove here, a slap there, an attempted strangle (where the narcissist says “Oh, I was just playing a game” or “Don’t take this seriously; you know you are the only one for me.” Verbal abuse is a form of violence–that needs to be emphasized. When you have a sociopathic narcissist screaming at the top of his lungs every day, promising to bury you, who calls you a nutcase and poisons all of your friendships, leaving your isolated. Do not wait for the clenched fist, the head slammings against the wall, bloody teeth in your hand, a pillow that stops your breathing.

Watch carefully at the beginning of your acquaintance with a narcissist. He/she will always give themselves away if you pay close attention. When you get that creepy feeling in your gut or the short hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention, you know whom you are dealing with—a violent out of control sociopathic narcissist.

Leave this person now before the violence escalates and your life is endangered and there is no return. You deserve to feel secure, solid, peaceful—free to use all of your creative gifts, to form trusting loving relationships and to fulfill all of your aspirations. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

During the divorce process in particular it is important to stop any direct engagement or contact with the narcissistic spouse if at all possible. The more you make contact with this individual the greater your pain, anger, depression, regret and a whole host of feelings that are intolerable. If the soon to be ex is texting and calling and emailing you and gets one response out of the fifteen he or she had made, this tells the narcissist that it takes fifteen tries to get you activated. Individuals in communication with me speak of how difficult it is to go no contact. After weeks of sticking with this plan, they will call or email or text the narcissist. They feel regretful about this but say they could not control themselves. This is understandable especially when a breakup is very painful. Make every effort, especially if you are in the process of seeking a divorce to abide by the no contact behavior. You can communicate through your attorney. This way you remain out of the ugly drama and twisted lies and covert machinations of the narcissist’s psyche. You need to clear the mental and psychological decks inside of you, to focus on your next steps toward freedom and the strong growing edge within you that makes you unique, independent and open to the creative possibilities of your life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If we could have picked our parents we wouldn’t have chosen a narcissist as a mother or father. Narcissists cannot feel, care, have conscience or empathy for another human being, even a small child. They are capable of putting on a tremendous polished act but it is falls flat in the truth department. Some narcissistic parents choose a stand out child who is very attractive, bright, gifted in music, dance, art, etc. to be the chosen one in the family. The narcissistic mother or father will mold this son or daughter in his image. This child is treated differently from the others, is given great adulation, no limits on consideration to others and special treatment by the narcissistic parent. In other families the narcissistic parent treats all of the children in a dismissive manner. They are a bother to him/her. They are living puppets who are trotted out for company or who fill the family picture with forced smiling faces. I have known of a narcissistic parent who had a special wing built on his home for the children. Like a king at court they were tucked away in a separate abode and brought into his presence only when they could be used as narcissistic supplies to demonstrate to friends and others that he was a devoted father.

In some egregious cases, the narcissist fixates on battling over the children during the divorce process. He/she doesn’t give a damn about them and has never contributed to caring for them psychologically or emotionally but is caught up in the fight for ego purposes. This is one of the most painful experiences the non-narcissistic parent can experience for her children. I hear from spouses and ex-spouses who are going through this intolerable ordeal. It can be protracted; it is excruciating for the parent who truly loves the children.

We only need one good parent or parent substitute. Some individuals grow up all alone with only bare bones food and primitive shelter. No one pays any attention to them. They have never heard the voice of someone who loves them call their name. They have never felt safe and relaxed—even for one moment. They are scapegoats in the earliest years of grammar school and beyond. They live in a jungle of predatory human creatures.

A grandmother, aunt, a family friend can make all the difference in a child’s solid psychological foundation. If mother is the non-narcissistic parent, most of the burden is on her to provide a consistently loving, secure, predictable environment for her children. Some spouses are left financially vulnerable after the divorce. In some cases the narcissistic ex-husband makes life excruciating by insisting that he is a good father. Custody battles can be extended and this is very painful for the children and the responsible parent. In this crucial situation the non-narcissistic spouse does her best. She begins by keeping the welfare of her children upper most in her mind. Then begins the long process of advocating for the best interests of her child, through finding a lawyer who specializes in child custody to help give her and her child the best possible outcome. In addition, it is essential that she has a strong sense of entitlement of her rights to live in an environment of peace and emotional well being. These courageous women and men are motivated by a strong unwavering love for their children. This is evident in the way they mother and father them each day. In some instances, if the father is being put on trial, he may request a paternity test to shake the opposing council, if this is agreed upon you will want to get certified professionals who do it completely right, you may look for paternity testing Chicago IL or one closer to you, always consult with your lawyer and a medical professional to get the best possible outcome. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com