Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines–Your life has just begun. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“The narcissist suffers from a hardened heart, and is incapable of empathy. Lack of empathy is a signature personality trait.. .of the narcissistic personality disorder.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). Many narcissists develop a convincing pseudo empathy. They are consummate actors who appear to care deeply about your feelings from your perspective. They put on a masterful performance and fool many people, especially those whom they have mesmerized to become marital partners.

The narcissist is incapable of putting himself emotionally and psychologically into another’s person’s place even if it is one of his own children. Long ago when he was a child, he/she never developed the capacity for empathy. I have witnessed very young children who are empathic—they are deeply moved by the pain that someone else is enduring. These little ones try to comfort the person who is suffering.

The narcissist is groomed to only think about himself, his superiority, brilliance and achieving all of his goals despite the grave psychological consequences for others whom he will hurt and betray.

Become aware of your capacity to know if someone is truly empathic. Being empathic is not based on what is convenient for us or the right time of day or night, or whether we’re going to impress someone or obtain material gain. Empathy comes from our deepest humanity and it is given freely. There are no time limits or measurements to its enduring force for healing. Living with someone who psychologically cold, will wear you down, pick away at your feelings of self confidence, make you feel isolated and feel that you cannot turn to your partner to deeply understand and care about you, especially when you are in a crisis and need help on the spot.

As these marriages go forward it becomes evident that the narcissistic spouse is incapable of empathy and to make it more severe, this person cannot show deep genuine concern for the children you share. He may pretend to be emotionally invested but much of this has to do with his need to control his spouse and children with an iron will. If you are married to a narcissist are becoming more acutely aware of this deficit in his personality, seriously consider your options. You can stay with the person who is very unlikely to change. You can have an arrangement with him that is a marriage in name only or you can divorce him/her.

Think carefully about remaining in a marriage with an individual is cannot genuinely give and receive love, a person who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings and your suffering. Do the research about the narcissistic personality. Knowledge is very helpful in clarifying what we want to believe from the truth. Leading a life with truth at your side frees you up and protects you from narcissistic influences–especially spouses who are laser focused only on their next acquisitions and triumphs. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert narcissists are very difficult to detect—even for some clinical professionals. If you have been fooled by a few, don’t blame yourself. They are charmingly cunning, under cover operatives. In many cases it can take a spouse years even decades to recognize that they are married to a narcissist. They have taken the stinging blows of cruel projections, believing that they were at fault.

The covert narcissist uses the camouflage of being a low key person who doesn’t make waves. He/she appears to be unobtrusive even humble. Covert narcissists scurry around, waiting to help you—at your service, especially in the courtship phase and beginnings of the marriage. You wonder:”This is too good to be true but this guy is willing to do anything for me.” Many spouses are so taken with this total devotion and apparent selflessness that they don’t see the red flags flying in their peripheral view.

Covert narcissists begin revealing themselves with small digs and criticisms. You wave it off and tell yourself that your spouse has a lot of career pressures and you have to be understanding. They play a game which I call “I’m up; you’re down” . They know when you are vulnerable and at a low emotional ebb. They often take these times to brag about how indispensable they are at work. This is based on their claim of meticulousness; they don’t make any mistakes. This is untrue but the accusations are coming so fast you feel dizzy. Without warning they point out major mistakes you have made (some of them going back decades). They pick away at you until they draw a strong emotional response. They have caught you by surprise and you are very upset. You feel badly about yourself. You are confused and believe that what your spouse is telling the truth. He isn’t; it’s a lie. You feel emotionally unsteady and trapped. These accusations go deeply into the victimized spouse and reside there. If you have had an abusive childhood and were neglected, it is possible that you have carried feelings of inferiority and inadequacy into your adulthood. This combined with the continuing attacks of your convert narcissistic spouse creates a psychologically toxic environment for you.

Some spouses finally recognize that they are being tormented by someone who has a serious psychological disorder. Many spouses research and discover that they are married to a narcissist who has disguised himself as a good person. He has all of the major traits: lack of empathy, deceptive, frequent rages, manipulative, obsession with a perfect image, chronic patterns of cruelty.

The victimized spouse often makes the decision to sever the marital non relationship. After many years of being the recipient of verbal and emotional abuse, some of these individuals find that quality psychotherapy helps them to re-set their attitudes and feelings about themselves and to recognize that they are good human beings. They are not flawless but real and capable of giving and receiving love. The move forward to lead lives of inner peace, use of their unique gifts and feeling entitled to be treated with respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic sociopaths leave very few people with whom they form relationships–intact. I am speaking here about the sociopath who does not commit physically violent crimes but perpetrates psychological and emotional crimes that destroy the lives of others—especially his/her children, spouses and ex-spouses. The NS is without conscience of any kind. He is very clever at not getting caught. It is very rare that these individuals serve any time in jail or prison. They are often very bright intellectually and exceedingly quick in scouting out and discovering people whom they can dominate completely. All of their efforts are directed toward reaching the highest professional and social circles where they mingle and become friends with people of great prominence and power. Some of these NSs become big fish in smaller ponds (social milieus) where they their influence spreads throughout entire neighborhoods and small towns.

NSs have been magnetizing people and controlling others all of their lives. Often they are very attractive and learned by adolescence how to be irresistible to the romantic partners. It is not unusual for NSs to have a number of paramours at one time. They brashly take control of large sums of money and property from their family members by sweet talking and cajoling one of their parents to give them the role of executor of the estate, leaving brothers and sisters empty handed and broken hearted. This happens too many times to count.
Everyone the NS targets is harmed unless the prospective victim recognizes the depth of psychopathology he or she is dealing with in advance. The number of those who have been victimized by these horrendous individuals is legion. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists know what and whom they want. They marry those who will keep them filled with narcissistic supplies. Their qualifications for spouse include: include physical beauty, professional achievements, polished social skills, impressive family credentials, a compliant temperament and willingness to absorb inordinate amounts of narcissistic abuse: full throated volcanic rage, blatant lying and withering humiliations (public and private). Taking orders is another role of the non-narcissistic spouse. Delusional narcissistic demands flow endlessly.

A vortex is a gravitational pull that draws you into its center–It can be a way of life that is “irresistibly engulfing.” The narcissist is the central force in his life. He charms and magnetizes those he has chosen to become his human possessions. Narcissists don’t have marital relationships since they are incapable of emotional intimacy or empathy. They are consummate actors who play the role of bringing you into their vortex. They display tremendous skill in impressing and wooing you to become part of their lives. Successful narcissists use their power in the world, their connections and lifestyle with all of its seductive trappings to seal the deal. Those who are taken in by the narcissist believe that they have found someone who can make them feel financially secure and important as an elite member of the narcissist’s inner circle. These pseudo relationships work on a surface level if you have one narcissist marrying another. In this case they have made a deal that will feed both of them with narcissistic supplies.

In the case where a partner has fallen for a narcissist and is unaware of his severe psychopathology, there is entrapment in the narcissistic vortex. This individual’s life and talents are eclipsed by the long shadow of the narcissistic spouse. The narcissist takes the spouse deeper and deeper into his delusional center. Spouses who have been incapable of separating themselves out psychologically as separate individuals, are swept up and fuse with the narcissist. They equate financial status and material perks with emotional security. They are trapped in the narcissistic vortex.

Some spouses wake up, do the research about the narcissistic personality and rescue themselves. They separate out from the narcissist, break through the vortex and move forward to lead their lives in psychological, emotional, creative and spiritual freedom. Many of these individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Others find their way through friends who form a strong support group. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic spouses are known for taking their husbands or wives beyond the point of endurance. They don’t care one whit if you are becoming emotionally fragile, have post traumatic stress, physical symptoms–headaches, gastrointestinal problems, bouts of debilitating depression, insomnia and hundreds of others disturbances. They live strictly for themselves. In fact if you go to them for mercy and tell them you are suffering they will tell you any of the following: ” you are weak and too sensitive”, It’s all in your mind” “your imagination is too vivid” “You’re making it up to upset me” “You’re a drama queen (or king)”,”you’re mentally unbalanced” and innumerable labels and cruel retorts. How many times have you told yourself you can’t take this abuse any longer. You’re not sleeping; you are jumping with nerves every time you know you husband will be at home. You dread having to be near this person. You are always waiting for the next verbal assault–It can come any time of day or night. Some narcissistic spouses awaken their partners in the middle of the night and go on verbal rampages for hours nonstop.

A point of reckoning is to know through your research and insight that the person to whom you are married is a narcissistic personality. This individual is not going to change. You have suffered for too long and your quality of life, including your physical energy, mental focus, feelings of emotional security and concerns about your children are negatively effected by continuing in the marriage. The time has come and the decision is yours. You long to take back your own life, your own mind, your individual gifts and energies. You can decide how you want to live—starting this moment. Pay close attention to your inner self. You can leave the narcissist and lead the life that you deserve. You have that strength, faith and perseverance. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you are married to a narcissist you life has been commandeered by a selfish, demanding, egotistical and unempathic man. In the beginning he will dazzle you and sweep you up in his grandiose dreams. You believe them and want to share every aspect of your life with him. This is especially true if the narcissist is high-level, meaning that this person is highly gifted with charm, a keen intellect, professional success and the capacity of persuasion. These men are masters of disguise. When you meet them, you feel an automatic pull to them. Your body responds erotically to them; you can’t say no. You may hear a small voice inside telling you that this is dangerous but you override it and proceed with the romantic drama. Many women have a dream of the man who will complete or rescue them. Even women who are fiercely independent and successful in their own rights are taken off guard by these master method actors of irresistible charm. They weave you into their web. They tell you that you are the chosen one–that they have been looking for you all of their lives. They are very clever with words and nonverbal moves. They know when to rush in to cinch the deal. They are at the top of their game when they are seducing the chosen woman—You.

A few years after the wedding or even sooner, the relationship falters. The sharp barbs and sarcastic remarks directed at you becoming a daily occurrence. The times of any peace in the house lessen. You notice that you are being treated as an object—-There is no respect for you as an individual. As the months and years accrue, the venomous projections mount. You feel their sting. You are emotionally wounded and doubt yourself. You try to change–to go along with your spouse’s demands. This doesn’t work. You realize that this man is in love with himself. The deception and lies escalate. There is verbal abuse and at times physical abuse. In many cases the husband takes over the finances and starts to spirit away your collective financial stability.

Finally the wife of the narcissist wakes up and recognizes that she has been exploited brutally. She is both wasting her life and despising herself. Often there is a major blowup that reveals in colored lights that you are married to a narcissistic personality disorder. Many wives have been reading about narcissistic personality for some time. They put the puzzle pieces together and with shock see on the page that they are reading that their husband has a very disorder–narcissistic personality. She also comes to terms with the fact that these personalities cannot change. They are fixed as a grandiose false self. Narcissists believe they are perfect and superior to everyone, that they never make mistakes, that they are terrific people, that they are invincible.

A time of reckoning comes when the psychologically besieged spouse must make a decision whether to stay in the marriage or seek a divorce. In most cases the latter decision is the better choice. It takes a lot of effort and can be very complex and difficult, but there are so many instances of success for the non-narcissistic spouse and the improvement of her entire life on every level after the divorce and severing a relationship that was never a true marriage. The partner is free now to lead her own life, to breathe deeply in solitude, to ramp up the use of her creative gifts, to explore genuine relationship, to say Yes to life on her terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really is–a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human being–make your exit. Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are often drawn back into the narcissist’s lair with promises of having everything they want. A narcissist knows how to “apologize” and make up. He offers you the most tempting rewards. He says that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so appealing—He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he was a bad person. He adeptly puts on his humble act. That’s what this is —-Acting- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image (which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets–social and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he can fool you again. Don’t fall for the “changed man” “I saw the Light” routine.

Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.

You hear the familiar words, the music begins—Don’t grant the narcissist another dance!!!!!
Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need. Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.
You will recover and prevail. Study the features of the narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com