Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Many narcissists begin their act by letting you know that they are in control of everything, including you. I have had narcissists upon introduction give me an overpowering handshake. It smarted. This doesn’t mean that a strong handshake is negative; it can mean confidence and self assertion. I am speaking about narcissists who come on strong from the beginning. They look directly in your eyes, riveting their gaze to yours simultaneously with the intimidating shake. I have watched these narcissists go on to overpower people by the force of their personalities. So many individuals are impressed with people who are strong, self entitled and highly successful.

You may feel inferior in their presence. This reaction is tailor made for them to overwhelm you with fear, awe and/or dread. If the narcissist is in a position of authority like an attorney, psychiatrist, judge, CEO, etc. we are inclined to relinquish our power to them. This is a serious mistake. No one has the right to control or intimidate you, especially spouses, ex-spouses, siblings and professionals that you hire. Learn to watch these clever actors closely. Your keen observations and intuition will tell you that they are out of line. You get a sense that you are being forced by the willfulness of this individual to do what they want. When you try to reason with them, they will not listen and raise the volume on their “certainty.” If this escalates they are clever at scaring people. They paint catastrophes that will befall you if you do not listen and exactly what they say.

When you hire someone as an expert–a lawyer, doctor, therapist, etc. —they are working for you. Your knowledge and research is valuable. If they disparage your questions, treat you with disrespect by not listening or blowing off your observations, you know that you are dealing with someone who functions to control others to gain mastery over them (and often their money if there are fees involved.) These narcissists are always looking for victims. They sense weaknesses and unsureness–that’s the master predator at work. Beat him/her at his ugly game through knowledge, your intuition, strong self assertion and self respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There is a common theme that runs through marriages with narcissists. This is the strong outer image that the narcissist has created that convinces everyone around him that he/she is a delightful, charming, caring human being–someone who goes out of his way for others and is highly successful at the same time. Everyone on the outside looks up to these narcissistic wonders asking themselves–Why can’t I have this polish, charm and self confidence. What’s the matter with me? There is nothing the matter with you. You are only viewing one side of the narcissist—the fully burnished public image. The narcissist builds and protects this image with his life. It is everything to him. The narcissist conceals a duality beneath the ingratiating compelling smile—the Shadow. In his/her private life the narcissist is unveiled–fully revealed. Narcissists are deceptive, craven, venal, exploitive, explosive, manipulative and completely lack empathy. If their wives and children could speak they would tell you stories that are hair raising. The narcissist is a dictator in his home. Everyone must obey him or else. His constant criticisms are legion. His lies are endless; his manipulations are astounding. He/she absolutely cannot put himself into someone else’s place and know what they are experiencing on a feeling level. Narcissists are psychologically violent to their spouses in particular. At times they are physically violent as well. Most of them get away with this savage treatment because the non-narcissistic spouse is too afraid and doesn’t feel that she has a voice of her own. Some of those who marry narcissists were treated cruelly in their childhoods and have continued this expectation in their marriages.

It doesn’t matter what the narcissist has attained professionally. He/she can be highly educated, very successful or non-educated and unsuccessful, rich or poor or in between—he is still a narcissist and has a fixed personality disorder that does not change. More people need to speak up about the total series of hells that narcissists put their families through. It is an ugly moving picture.

When you meet and get to know someone who is a narcissist and are remarking to yourself how extraordinary they are, remembers that they are two-faced–under the sway of a dark duality that controls all of their thoughts and actions.

Those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses recognize that they can take a full breath of clear air. They think and feel and create in freedom, resurrect their joy and celebrate their lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them.

Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father.

How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet.

Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Have you talked with a narcissist lately and heard the blather that comes out of their mouths? They are obsessed with the externals of life–how much money they have made and are making–their perfect homes which they continue to re-do constantly-their perfect children who are brilliant and are headed for M.D’s.–medical specialties only, big pharma, high level positions in hi-tech, Wall Street firms, hedge fund management, etc. (There are individuals of excellent character who go into professions that pay them very well. They provide services to others as a result of their schooling and training.)

Narcissistic parents reinforce materialism, competitiveness at any cost, the cult of image over substance, a lack of morality that says:”I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” and looks down on those who have not succeeded in the world. If your life has taken hard turns and landed you in a number of ditches–financial, medical, psychological—forget asking for help from a narcissist, especially a member of your own family. They will cut you to the quick—telling you that it is your fault that you got yourself into this mess. They play the superiority card. Nothing in their lives has gone wrong financially—They have not experienced those horrendous dips or engulfing pot holes that swallow you up–the medical bills that pile up, the bad credit scores that come afterward, the illness that threatens your lives. They are above it all.

You have worked hard all of your life. You have been dealt a very tough hand to play. You are an ethical and moral person who will not cheat or take from others. Today people are not measured by the content of their characters– their empathy, the suffering they have endured, their kindness to other people. This current Narcissistic Society evaluates you by what you own and how much money you have—-that is the sum total of your worth as an individual from a narcissistic point of view. This would all be pathetic if it wasn’t so harmful to those who are suffering so intensely.

There is something called luck or fate. It cab determine much of what is going to happen to us. Luck is real. Lucrative business connections are real. Being ruthless is real. Narcissists are completely ruthless and treacherous–especially with business associates whom they vanquish and with members of their own family. Narcissists focus on money, power, and their personal image every waking moment. (They are restless and don’t think deeply or are capable of seeing themselves from the inside) If there is money involved and you have a narcissistic mother, father or sibling (or all of the above) –watch out! The money threat will be held over your head for the rest of your life if you don’t make the decision that it doesn’t matter and you recognize that your destiny is not about money alone. Obviously, we all have to find a way to live each day. By the way it is a very rare person who understands the pain involved in not having enough money for rent, food and clothing. I have discovered that there are very few people with huge financial resources who have the capacity to understand what it feels like every day worrying about where your next dollar is coming from. It is equally rare for those who have not experienced tragedy in their lives to deeply understand it and have compassion and mercy for those who have endured it.

For many it becomes impossible with acquaintances, friends and family members (including spouses) to listen to the criticisms, humiliations, impertinent questions of those who simply refuse to understand and turn a cruel, blind eye to the one who is suffering the most. These are not relationships; they are opportunities for the narcissist to feel superior and victorious. The narcissist is in massive denial about himself and his entire life. These misperceptions will never change. The die has been cast; the hard shell of the narcissistic personality cannot be cracked to let the light of compassion in. They are fixed and immutable.

Narcissists do not belong in your world. They rattle and disturb everyone around them. If you work with a narcissist, you will find ways to cope with them through detachment from their sickness and maintaining your secure psychological boundaries.

It is your personal decision to keep them out of your personal life. Your life is precious. It is headed in the direction of pursuing truth not narcissistic delusion. Your life is creative—use all of your gifts. You are a loving person–share your heart. I know many individuals who have simplified their lives and have found comfort, creative productivity and calm in making this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most harrowing and painful life experiences. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go ahead with this process. You have to in order to preserve your life and that of your children. I am in communication with individuals who are going through this ordeal. They are ready for the battle. In some cases, the narcissist want to make you disappear so he/she pays you off–you are a discard, not even a faint memory in a life you have shared with this person for more than a decade. Count yourself fortunate if this break is made cleanly. The biggest reward is that this person is out of your life. Quite often the opposite happens. The narcissistic moves into Crusade mode and will fight you on every battlement. He is determined to wear you down to nothing, to destroy your spirit and sense of hope, besides taking all of the financial resources–especially those to which you are entitled. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of choosing the sharpest, savviest attorney you can find–some one with high ethical standards and a mastery of family law but in addition, a person who has a clear understanding of how the narcissistic personality operates—the darkness in their character, their sense of vanquishing their victims (and that includes you) completely. Narcissists with the bit in their mouths over a divorce will not quit. They lie, cheat, fabricate, terrorize, cajole, threaten, use emotional blackmail–do everything possible to make sure that you lose and are thrown to the wolves. That is their intention–This doesn’t mean that they will succeed.
Most people are naive about human nature. They cannot believe that narcissists intend to destroy others–not with physical violence (although some of them are known to beat their spouses and not get caught) but with the master plan they put into place to bring you down. The attorney you choose must have an insider’s understanding of the true nature of the narcissist–his treachery, non stop attacks, his conniving, his damnable lies and fabrications that are designed to destroy the other spouse’s reputation–personal and in some cases, professional.

Despite the time you have spent going through the ordeal of living with a narcissist, you will find that after severing the relationship, you have talents, creative gifts, dreams and the drive to continue to evolve as an individual. Start thinking of your personal needs, your professional and creative aspirations, what you enjoy for recreation, the kind of people with whom you will surround yourself, becoming stronger and healthier physically, learning how to calm your nervous system through gentle yoga, meditation (in a form that works for you) creating a circle of support among those who are deeply about you and are loyal and empathic. Your life is opening up for the first time in years. Take time to appreciate being with yourself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, spontaneously. You will discover facets of yourself that you didn’t realize were there. The growth process moves forward throughout our lives. Take hold of it and remain open to all of its opportunities in your life. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are many women who juggle their time, sleep, energy and personal lives every day to take care of their children. They love them very much and work so hard. Many of these women do it all alone and do it well. They don’t have a private life; they don’t have fun very often. Their focus is providing a home, food, clothing and schooling for their children. Many of these women have been abandoned by husbands or partners who are totally irresponsible and don’t care about their children. They are off to the next big excitement–another woman they will victimize. .

There are gifted highly ambitious women with tremendous drive and motivation to reach the top to the pinnacle of their careers. This is commendable. Women have worked very hard throughout the centuries to get their just share of professional success and compensation.

I am specifically speaking about the route the narcissistic mother takes. Having a child or two is part of enhancing her image and being able to tell herself and every one else: “I do it all.” I have a very successful career, I am climbing to the top; I have two wonderful kids.” She waxes dramatically, showing the photographs of her darling children to everyone. If you ask some of these narcissistic women what happens when they come home at ten o’clock in the evening, their children are already asleep. She goes into their rooms, kisses them quietly and shuts their doors to work some more. In the morning these narcissistic mothers are rushing their children out the door to daycare. Everything is hurried—a quick kiss, a fast drive to the babysitter and this woman is off to her life goal—reaching the highest rung in her professional life.

Why do these narcissistic women have children. A child is one of the greatest narcissistic supplies of all when you are molding a perfect image and facade. On the outside, everyone thinks these women are heroines. Behind closed doors, the children suffer from intolerable maternal deprivation and know that they are not loved and were never wanted. They are pawns, chess pieces to be manipulated. To take an innocent, helpless baby and to abandon him/her to daycare or a babysitter when this child is weeks old is a travesty. Narcissistic women are mothers in name only. There are narcissistic mothers who do not have specific careers and still do not raise their children. In an unguarded moment these women will tell you that they were bored sick, staying home with an infant. They needed to get back into the excitement and dynamism of their careers. It didn’t matter if their children were very young. Some narcissistic mothers are careless about checking out quality child care as long as they can get back to their priority—-themselves. Narcissistic mothers are selfish, highly controlling and cold. Their self absorption knows no end. On weekends when they could be with their children, they have too much work demanding their attention and hire extra babysitters so that they can shop and enjoy themselves without the encumbrance of small children.

No one wants to talk about the damage that narcissistic mothers do to their children. Some of them bitch about the small amounts of time they interact with their kids and find it very irritating. What is the husband doing. Quite often he is narcissistic as well and obsessed with his career. People can do whatever they wish in becoming powerful in the world, experts in their fields, fighting all of the corporate battles to the top.But something profound happens when you have a child. This current society has given narcissistic mothers a complete pass. It has become perfectly acceptable to have children and not raise them or form a close attachment to babies who didn’t ask to be brought into the world.

I hope that with the exposure of the true nature of the narcissist that many individuals will finally recognize the incalculable harm perpetrated by narcissistic mothers. I ask the question that remains hanging in the air: Why are you having children if you are not going to take care of them ? I don’t hear any answers. I don’t hear: “I made a mistake.” I should not have had children.” or I know they missed a lot in my absence. They’ve been cheated. I am very sorry.”

Narcissistic mothers are not the least bit concerned about the psychological damage they are doing every day. Twenty years from now, they will want this child fixed!!! A child is not a machine with parts that can be replaced. Some psychological damage is so profound that adult children of narcissistic mothers suffer for much of their lives. I hear from them and they have paid a dear price for their narcissistic mother’s ruthless abandonment of her child and the idea that she would choose to have children for the single purpose of building and enhancing her priceless golden image. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most challenging and daunting experiences. In many cases, the narcissist takes the bit in his/her mouth and goes for all of the marbles. He/she insists on financial resources and property that are owned in common. The narcissistic spouse suddenly decides that he wants access to his children most of the time. He throws out lies constantly, makes every effort to destroy the personal and professional reputations of his former spouse.

A divorce can be a hectic procedure as a separation from the one you love, can never be easy. But what is most important is your happiness and peace of mind. With the assistance of an attorney who specializes in family law and who understands the ruthless, controlling behaviors of the narcissistic personality you will be guided through this often arduous process. Contacting a divorce lawyer in Denver CO (if you live in the vicinity), would be prudent if you are considering the idea.

For so long, often decades, your life—every aspect of it has been eclipsed by the selfish, duplicitous, controlling, enraged severe personality disorder. When you are free from this constricted way of life, you will begin to recognize that you can make your own decisions, expand and deepen all of your creative gifts, find ways of encouraging your inner peace through a variety of modalities—forms of calming the mind and body–meditation, gentle hatha yoga, joining support groups that focus on healing after divorce.

The mind and body are designed to heal. When we provide ourselves with the right internal and external environments and individuals who are supportive of the process we are going through, we will grow, taking back our identities as unique individuals. Your confidence will return. Your creativity will be re-launched. Your life goals will become a source of hope and great anticipation. You have begun a new cycle of life—a hopeful and encouraging. You have prevailed. Celebrate this new beginning. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

All of your life you have been told what to do by overbearing narcissistic family members. You find yourself in your thirties, forties and beyond still trying to please mother, father, sister, brother—the family narcissists. You have tried everything to please them, to make them proud of you, to always try your very best. It was and is never enough—-And It Never Will Be because you are dealing with individuals who have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. You will always be blamed for their mistakes, their cruelties, their misfortunes. You will be subjected to an endless stream of humiliations, accusations, verbal attacks and outright lies about your character. They will and have talked about you behind your back. One of the worst labels that narcissistic family members use is that you are “crazy.” That gives everyone they speak with a jolt. “They are a wonderful family, except for that ‘crazy daughter’ of theirs. I feel so sorry for them. It is such an embarrassment.” I have communicated with many daughters and sons enmeshed in narcissistic families who have described this experience exactly as I am writing it. In effect the narcissistic family is projecting their psychopathology on to a scapegoated child. This is often a child who is highly sensitive, intelligent and emotionally vulnerable. He or she has had to wear this dreadful label. Some children grow up and believe that they must be crazy since that is how they have been treated. The pain they endure is intolerable.

Fortunately, in many instances the scapegoated child, now grown, accesses the truth about herself/himself and recognizes that it is the family that is highly disturbed not her/him. Some of these children spend a great deal of time trying to understand what happened to them, do research about the psychopathology in narcissistic families and get professional help. Within the security and healing environment of good psychotherapy they get in touch with their true selves. They recognize and appreciate who they are and have been all of their lives–an individual of value and uniqueness with many creative gifts and a new cycle of life that is awaiting them. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

It is remarkable how often narcissists project their filthy venom on to others (Except those they are grooming to become part of their cult of personality and power). If you already know that an individual is a narcissist, protect yourself in advance. One of the first rules is not to be alone with them—that’s when they go deeply cruel and dirty. They feel that they have you cornered and they pin you with a stealth attack. You feel it coming out of no where and say to yourself: “What the hell was that?” You think to yourself and wonder if you actually heard what this person was saying. Narcissists making these malevolent moves are over the top so steer clear of being with them, especially solo. If you know you will be in their presence, prepare ahead of time. Remind yourself of their specific psychopathology. They may be you sibling, in-law, parent, etc.—but above all they are a narcissistic personality disorder and their character profile in not going to change—ever. Do not blame yourself. These ugly projections are actually unconscious psychological material that they cannot contain themselves and are throwing your way. Learn how to practice detachment. One of the ways of becoming more detached is through some form of quieting the mind. Meditation offers us many opportunities for calming the mind. Find of way of calming yourself and your mind that works for you. This provides us with the capacity to have a more balanced perspective and not to overreact to someone else’s drama. Always remind yourself that you deserve respect and consideration as an individual. Give yourself a lot of credit for learning about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many mother-in-laws are kind, compassionate wonderful human beings. I am talking specifically about mother-in-laws who have narcissistic personality disorder. An overbearing narcissistic matriarch can wreak havoc in every aspect of your childrens’, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law and grandchildren lives. Narcissists are above all very controlling. Very clear psychological boundaries must be created in dealing with these individuals. They may dramatize, lie, try to sabotage members of her family who don’t go along with her iron will. What you don’t want to do is overreact to these individuals. Also it is essential that you is recognize how tyrannical and relentless these individuals can be. Be clear through your actions that you respect yourself. If the matriarch gets out of line, clearly and quietly use clear, measured communication in dealing with her. She expects to intimidate you and everyone else. In some cases she causes other family members to become a part of her narcissistic delusion. Remember that you are part of a family but ultimately a separate individual who deserves to be treated with respect and truthfulness. If the situation gets out of hand due to the narcissistic mother-in-law’s extreme encroachments on your privacy, sense of freedom and inner peace, it may be necessary to sever your relationship with this person. You know the truth about yourself and are keenly aware of the destructiveness of the narcissistic personality. If you are married to the son of the narcissistic matriarch it is part of his role as your spouse to make sure that you are treated with respect. You are married to him not his mother. It takes a strong sense of self to deal with these psychologically disruptive individuals. Stick to you principles, remain calm and psychologically detached. Trust your intuition. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com