Tag: narcissistic abuse

Those in emotional and psychological crises are desperate to ease their pain. They feel abandoned, lack energy and motivation, can’t sleep at night, are constantly ruminating about their failed relationships and losses.

Many of those who are struggling reach out to purveyors of the philosophies of the New Age. These starts of the various “awareness” movements are tremendous entertainers and masterful actors. A large number of them are narcissistic personality disorders who are not at all interested in helping to ease the pain or life circumstances of another. They are driven to make large amounts of money, to gain tremendous fame and to be sought after all over the world for their “words of wisdom and truth.” There is a plethora of narcissistic teachers who are doing this and have become very successful at the game. They fool even the most sophisticated. They magnetize individuals to them personally and sell their non-ending high priced programs, retreats, seminars, classes, etc. They keep people on the string until they run out of money. Then they seek new victims to whom they can impart the truth. Some narcissistic teachers are well educated and exceedlingly smooth at their game. Watch them perform—they are so smooth–you feel their vibration–It is powerful. They tell you that you can change in an instant and do anything you choose NOW. That is one of the key words that they use.

Always follow the money and look at the private lives of these narcissistic vipers. They are greedy and they keep bringing people back into their circle. The more desperate you are the better it is for them. They don’t give a damn about you. Another foolish person will come along and join their parade.

To protect yourself, read about the narcissistic personality in-depth and remember, if it’s too good to be true it is often rotten at the core. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

When you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really is–a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human being–make your exit. Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are often drawn back into the narcissist’s lair with promises of having everything they want. A narcissist knows how to “apologize” and make up. He offers you the most tempting rewards. He says that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so appealing—He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he was a bad person. He adeptly puts on his humble act. That’s what this is —-Acting- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image (which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets–social and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he can fool you again. Don’t fall for the “changed man” “I saw the Light” routine.

Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.

You hear the familiar words, the music begins—Don’t grant the narcissist another dance!!!!!
Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need. Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.
You will recover and prevail. Study the features of the narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The despicable truth about narcissistic mothers is that they don’t raise their children–They give birth to them–that’ it. I have had many a narcissistic mother tell me that she was bored with little children—babies and toddlers in particular. “They are so boring. Why would I want to spend time with them when I could be moving forward with my career. I have it all planned out. Babies get in your way.” My question to myself is Why the hell did you have children” Sometimes there is a whoops but that is an exception.Narcissistic mothers often plan the spacing between their children. They want one right after the other so that they can get it over with. They spend the absolute minimum amount of time on maternity leave, drop the pregnancy fat with hours of working out at the gym. Having their figures back is far more important than taking care of their infants Narcissistic “mothers” do not bond with their children and that is psychologically detrimental to an infant and baby. If they have the means they hire expensive nannies who will take over as surrogate parents for a high price. Now the narcissistic mother can brag about how much her child is learning and that she has a high pedigree nanny–and that she is going to soon reach the pinnacle of her career. She can do it all. Really? Babies take a lot of actual time and it is not the most scintilating experience every moment taking care of them. They cry, puke, poop, scream while teething, defy you as they move toward individuation,become ill in the middle of the night and run high fevers. They often test your patience. This is all part of raising a child.

Narcissistic mothers have it very easy. They take all of the credit for having their children. They carry pictures around on their cell phones. They buy clothes for them so the kids present the perfect image. They indulge their children materially—but they do not pay real attention and attune to their children. There is no psychological attachment. This is a serious problem.

They are involved with their careers and the social swirl of work. Some of these women are traveling constantly and even if they are married their spouse is a workaholic. When you have two narcissistic parents, neither party is raising the child. The psychological damage is incalcuable and takes its toll throughout the child’s life. Narcissistic mothers see their children infrequently. When they get home the child is already in bed. In the morning mother has already left and the child is left with a baby sitter or nanny.

Some mothers have to put their children in childcare when the baby is very young.This is necessary because they have to work and there are no family members who can take care of them. These mothers love and are very devoted to their children. Bless them–they are doing the best job they can under very difficult circumstances.

I have come across too many narcissistic mothers–past and present. It is tragic for their children. Many of these children turn out to be incredibly empathic human beings. i have seen this often. They deserve tremendous credit. They are caring, kind human beings–always thinking of others.

To learn about every facet of the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

If you are seriously thinking about divorcing your narcissistic husband/wife, don’t give any indication–verbal or nonverbal that this is your intention. Narcissists are incapable of introspection or insight but they are uncanny in detecting when you are on to them and headed for divorce court. Be sure that you have made detailed plans to protect your personal assets and the part of the shared property, investments, bank accounts, etc to which you are entitled. Research and interview more than one attorney. Personal recommendations can be of great value but an individual that is effective for one person may not be successful in your situation. Make a clear appraisal. The attorney must be highly skilled in his/her field. In addition he must have a clear understanding of the character traits of the narcissistic personality. That doesn’t mean he must be an expert. He needs to be very savvy about highly manipulative people who lie, have no conscience, are completely ruthless and are dirty players. Expect the opposing attorney to be very tough, chronically lie, be highly manipulative and intimidating. He/she has a charming and go below the belt if he/she can get away with it.

One of the most common schemes of the narcissist is to put all of the assets including properties, bank accounts, stocks in his name. I have communicated with spouses who were absolutely stunned to find out that their financial security had beenr ripped away from them years before they decided to seek a divorce. Don’t put anything past the narcissist. It is strategically wise to play his role–think the way he does. How is he plotting to ruin you financially. What schemes does he have up his sleeve. Is he talking to gullible family members against you? Is he using a business partner to hold his assets (and yours) as a way of playing “I don’t have anything–You can’t get money out of a stone.”

Once you make the decision to go ahead with the divorce, don’t get pulled in the narcissist’s empty promises—this is a ruse, an undertow that will pull you back down.

Form a strong support group. Seek psychotherapy if you think it will help you through the process. Be sure you choose a therapist who is not a narcissist–Yes there are some who are in this profession.

Choose healing routines–gentle yoga poses, slow stretching with the breath that is relaxing and loosens tightened muscles, spending some time outside and feel the breeze (get some natural vitamin d), listening to music you love and let it permeate you, singing or chanting spontaneously, laughing your head off with a friend just being silly—-and many more that you will discover.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality (their numbers are growing). Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you–then you are The One and he won’t let you forget it. This phase doesn’t last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did–Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life–the quicker the better.

If you get sick he doesn’t give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. “You drive yourself to the hospital. You’re putting on an act–I can tel and it’s not convincing.” This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person–a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don’t catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile–he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person’s feelings? The narcissist doesn’t go through this exercise—ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.

So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act–that you have a well developed conscience–that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people—living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn’t care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO–You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you–forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That’s how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.

The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. “Why can’t you be bright like your brother.” “You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you.” You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself.” These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.

The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity.

As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It’s not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.

These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Growing up the daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult roles in life. These non mothers cause both emotional and psychological abuse as well as maternal deprivation. These women can’t mother. They suffer from a severe personality disorder that is fixed and will likely never change. It is unfortunate that they become mothers in the first place. In some cases the father takes the role of both parents and the children bond with him and receive affection and love from this person. We only need one parent and often dad is the one. Some children are raised by a grandparent who takes on the mothering role.

Narcissistic mothers are very mean in different ways. Some of them completely ignore their children and treat them like servants, making them become little adults very early—learning how to cook, clean and fetch and carry anything mama wants and needs on the spot. These women often scream incessantly at their children and are not above cuffing them in the face when their low impulse control takes over. They are never sorry. They put on the perfect act in public and neighbors and friends often think they are wonderful mothers. Cruelties, maternal deprivation, deceitfulness, turning one child against another–you name it and they perpetrate these unspeakable deeds and emotional wounds upon their children. These psychological wounds linger in the mind and heart for children of narcissistic mothers. However, there are many who heal. They permanently break the tie literally and emotionally with their non-mother. Some of them find healing through excellent psychotherapy and learning to get out of the fight or flight mode through gentle hatha yoga and meditation and other healing modalities. Some of the most compassionate individuals I have known are children of narcissistic mothers. Always take good care of yourself, cherish your kindness and feel your heart open. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]
Posted by lmlphd@th

There is a dance that narcissists and their partners perform over and over again. You have gone through the initial “falling in love or lust” period. You know that this is the “One” you want to spend your life with. There is no question in your mind. You have succumbed to him and can’t let go. He appears to adore you and is making all the right moves. But something goes very wrong in this deluded paradise. He starts his picking arguments, make cruel remarks, lashes out at you for no reason. You make excuses and say to yourself that he is under too much pressure. You try harder and things go smoothly for a while. Then it starts up again—the demands, screaming fits, accusations out of nowhere, humiliations in front of your friends. You are confused and very hurt. Now you know that this is not going to work. Then there is a rapprochement—a deep understanding ( from your perspective) He is sorry. He makes promises to be different. He realizes he has been wrong and wants you back. He may even weep convulsively. You believe him and take him back. You find out he has been lying to you and leads more than one life. He compartmentalizes his life. Maybe he isn’t even divorced yet. You find out and are shocked and highly distressed. You can’t sleep at night and have trouble working ——-but again he comes back and snares you again. Do you want to continue to live like this???? Is it worth it to be going up and down on this out of control teeter totter?

Think about it carefully. He is a narcissistic personality. He is not going to change–ever! Why should he. Perfection is his middle name and he can easily replace you. That’s what narcissists do. You can retrieve back your life by researching the narcissistic personality and by going no contact with this Janus faced scoundrel. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]
Posted by lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Maternal psychological attachment is the secure, loving bond that the mother forms with her baby. This provides the child with a feeling of safety and predictability. Mother becomes the child’s psychological home base. Narcissistic mothers do not bond with their children. They are incapable of forming a genuine relationship. Their focus is on themselves. They may go through the motions but their feelings are not invested in their infant. In some instances if the narcissistic mother has chosen a particular child to use as a narcissistic supply then she will become a puppet in the mother’s hands.

Daughters of narcissists talk and write about how coldly and dismissively they were treated as children and adults. Mother was the Queen Bee; she always came first. She had no way of attuning to the needs of her child. Being a mother was an encumbrance to her, a burden. Some narcissistic mothers are so cruel and vain that they were sorry they ever had children who kept their figure from remaining perfect or took time away from their personal enjoyments, trips, shopping, professional advancement.

As a result daughters of narcissistic mothers have not bonded with their mothers. Some of them find that their father is the one to whom they can attach. Others look to siblings who serve in the maternal role. Others have no one and simply grow up psychologically on their own. They may have every material advantage in the world but they don’t have a real mother.

Lack of maternal attachment can cause problems with daughters later on in their intimate relationships. They tend to pick men who are not protective of them, who are unstable and abusive. They don’t feel worthy of being in a relationship with someone who is capable of loving them.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are capable of attaching to others and forming deep relationships. This is often possible through the hard work they have done with themselves and through excellent psychotherapy. Part of the healing here is in recognizing that your mother was incapable of psychological attachment, that this was not a reflection of your worthiness or value as an individual and that you are highly capable of loving other human beings deeply. You are not your narcissistic mother. You are yourself–a unique wonderful human being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]