“The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone…All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive…” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).
The narcissist’s charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say “no”. You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.
There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade–the highly developed false self. Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough—-marry one, have children with them–you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.
(This post refers to male and female narcissists).
Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.
Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else’s vision.
I’ve been reading about this lately. I’ve discovered there are two theories on what creates these people. The first, that they are spoiled, I think is wishful thinking amongst the populace because they act so spoiled.
The ones I’ve known (some quite well) were definitely created by parents who abused and showed at the same time a profound indifference. These people at a very early age realized they had to nurture themselves and so they spoiled themselves.
I’ve observed this very clearly. It’s hard to feel empathy for people who never show it but this is still the case. Maybe if we understand them we can at least quit despising them.
Comment: From Marjorie
I disagree with the above post. Malignant narcissists are generally the golden, spoiled child. They are allowed to do whatever they wish, say whatever they wish, without impunity. There is a narcissistic parent behind every narcissistic child. The scapegoated child is chosen early, as I was, and made to carry the toxic shame and blame that the family cannot deal with directly. When the narcissist grows up, their lack of empathy and conscience only intensifies. My sister has stolen substantial assets from our aunt with dementia and now from our own mother as she ages. And she’s an upstanding, wealthy attorney in her town. Over the years, her cruelty has known no bounds. Finally, I decided to free myself and left the family. It was the best decision I ever made. These horror stories do exist and are thankfully, not the norm. I have to say I also believe narcissism can run in families as I believe personality is partially inherited. My sister tried to flush her kitten down the toilet at age four, a time when most children are great cuddlers with soft, furry innocent creatures. She has grown into an old, hateful, deviant sociopath. Escaping these wicked people is critical to one’s well being. As Maya Angelou, one of my heroes put it, ” Surviving is important, but THRIVING is elegant! I feel elegant! Thank you Linda, for a wonderful website!
Comment: From KDW
My experience to a “T”. Still trying to recover from his ongoing damage, which seems never to end.
Comment:From Mary Jule
I find your posts so helpful! I have also purchased your book and I am about half way through it.
Comment:From Vicki
Yes. He did exactly that. Twenty years, marriage and one child later I am his prisoner. He has the power and I am broken. I have no hope. I am only surviving, not living.
Comment: From Doug
Vicki, I feel deeply for you. I know how it feels to be buried under the thumb of another. In my case it was my Mom who did it. Not early on, as I was treated as the golden child, but after puberty when I started trying to break free from her. She wouldn’t have it!! She was going to keep control of me no matter what and for most of my life I survived because she wouldn’t allow me to live. Even when separated, she would use letters and phone calls to keep my from being who I was meant to be. I’ve finally freed myself from that woman and you can free yourself from that man. Keep writing here, and keep reading. I’ll try to be some strength for you and I know you can find strength in others here. You deserve to be who you were meant to be. You are a single, unique and Precious being. Be strong, Vicki! I understand…
Comment: From C
Vicki –
Please talk to a divorce attorney and make a plan to get out. I was married to a narcissist for 28 years. We have 4 children. I left 7 years ago. You can do it! It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. The children all realize that he was a manipulative father.
My mother and sister were both narcissists. I had no idea that there was anything wrong with my family, but now I can see how sick it is. My mother is dead and my sister is moving on with her endless manipulations, while I try to survive the fallout of their abuse. The information in your blog has helped me a lot. I thought this was my fault. Now I know it isn’t.