Narcissists, especially those who are highly successful, appear to glide smoothly through life, taking everything they can. They cheat people and get away with it, lie at every turn, manipulate everyone in their circle, especially family members, psychologically harm the most vulnerable around them and still are not brought to judgment. If they are very high level narcissists most of those who venerate these highly entitled individuals give them a pass despite all of the pain they cause others. With all of their professional triumphs, constant adulation and financial success, narcissists secretly envy what they perceive they cannot have. Envy is a feeling of unease that becomes an obsession of coveting another’s success, possessions, public image and importance. People keep their envies secret. Narcissists would never share these feelings with anyone. We see this envy in their blood thirsty competitiveness. If they are worth hundreds of millions, they seek billionaire status like their brothers and sisters in this special enclave. Many narcissists are all about money. I have had the displeasure of sitting next to a high level narcissist at a dinner event. Besides a running litany of self, he spent most of the evening talking about money—his status and power, how clever he had been at acquiring money and his grandiose vision for accumulating larger sums and multitudes of material possessions. Conversations with narcissists are always one way streets—they do all of the talking and bragging. You cannot get in a word without being rude. If you manage a half sentence, they will interrupt you and move back to their favorite topic—themselves. Narcissists secretly envy what they cannot have. On an unconscious level they know that they cannot ever have an authentic relationship with anyone, even their own children. This obsessive need is played out in their chronic restlessness and frenetic acrobatics from one relationship to another. Narcissists crowd their lives with constant activity that will bring them an abundance of narcissistic supplies, particularly praise and adulation. Envy fuels the narcissist’s rage. If he loses an important contract that is feeding his narcissism or is overlooked for a power position he has prized, the narcissist flies into a fury. He despises and envies the individual who bettered him. The narcissist doesn’t have any real relationships. Empty, shallow and alone, he leads a counterfeit life, unable to create a warm meaningful connection with anyone. Having people in our lives whom we can count on and care about us deeply, have our welfare uppermost in their minds and are supportive of our growth as individuals is invaluable—worth more than every possession, material acquisition and accolade that the narcissist ever received. His/her world is delusional and inauthentic. Your daily life is a testimony to your personal healing and growth, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually in the way that you define this. As you leave the narcissist behind feel your heart open, sense your creative juices flowing and be grateful to yourself for all of your hard work done with great integrity.
13 thoughts on “Narcissist’s Secret Envy”
Right on! They are never happy for anyone. They like you better when you are down and out so they can be your savior and you need them. The more money they have the worse they are. Their jealousy issues keep them from ever being a friend to anyone!
Oh boy! I just wrote, what I consedered an epic addition to this blog and then It froze. I’ve lost the inspiration to try again, but at some point I wll comment on this wonderful Blog. Thanks for keeping it alive, Dr. Linda!!
This is the absolute truth and it only gets worse. My mother is a narcissist and I married a narcissist so I know the deep jealousy and envy they have because they lack any other human emotion. They epitomize evil.
Thank you for bringing up this topic of envy and the status obsession, particularly financial, that narcissists have. My MIL is a narcissist, and the only conversation she can carry, aside from insulting and undermining those around her, is name dropping people she believes to be important; politicians, CEOs. And she does everything she can to look the part of someone of high status. She and my FIL have the boat, the mercedes, the porshe, but what she and her husband (the enabler) don’t have are relationships with people. The only people they do have relationships with are their 4 sons, and those relationships are driven by fear and intimidation by my MIL. It’s a shame she chooses to treat people the way she does, but in her perspective she is the victim and anyone who is not willing to put up with her abuse is the bully. I love your blog so much because for the longest time I was wondering if I was crazy. My husband would tell me it’s all in my head, but now I know for certain it’s not. His mother is everything you describe in your posts, and as much as I hate to think anyone else has to deal with someone so hurtful and so evil, I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
Another great commentary!
Just wanted to thank you for your healing words. At the age of 63, I am still not completely healed from being scapegoated. I got married young to a kind and loving person, but the cruelty never quits ringing in my ears. Your words are so true and they are what I’ve needed to hear all my life. Thank you so very much.
From my own experience as the scapegoat daughter of a very sneaky covert malignant narc mother (who pretends to be a sugary sweet saint) and from reading many horror stories of those abused by an NPD parent(s), it’s not the Narc that ends up without any relationships: it’s the truthtelling, EMPATHETIC Scapegoat! The Narcs always come out smelling like roses and get everyone on their side, get all the support an make the abused scapegoat look “crazy” while the Narc appears to be the poor, defenseless martyr. There is no real justice in this lifetime for those abused by these evil monsters. I’d love to know how they manage to get everyone on their side while the scapegoat is left all alone with zero allies. Why not write an article about that?
I’m not writing to answer your question but just to say, you’re not alone–those of us who have faced the same ramifications, who have read your email, are with you!
Second, for myself, the choice between having people in my life who choose what’s easy over what’s right, and holding onto my own integrity, is a no-brainer. Yes, in many ways, it sucks; but in other ways, I have never felt more grounded and authentic and that’s a good feeling!
Unless you decide one day that it’s time to fight fire with fire and put those little nasty evil rats out of there misery, nothing will change. The difference between the evil person and the one that they pray on, is nothing more than having a better heart and they know this and it kills them inside. Do like me, I finally got sick and tired of my soon to be ex-wife and put a hidden camera in our bedroom. It was there for about 6 months, so you can imagine every thing that I have accumulated. And yes, some things are to graphic to even talk about, but I never have said anything to her about me having any of it. So she is out tthere telling her little evil lies getting everyone on her side that I’m the lazy, sorry, drug addict, and poor little old me can’t take it anymore attitude and she just recently filed for divorce. I still haven’t said anything, except to my LAWYER…..court date is next week, boy is she going to be surprised. ….when I say not so fast…..BAM…..it sucks,.but you really have to treat these people this way.
Tom, you were smart to put the camera in the bedroom of your soon to be “x”.
I hope it works for you. I. Am trying to learn as much as I can on narcissism as I bought a house with one, and now am trying to get out of this mess I got myself into. He just thinks every thing is his and is calling me names, I.e leech… So far from the truth. I need help in how to deal with my situation. If anyone has any good advice I would be happy to hear from you. I am devastated and having a hard time, lawyers are expensive……
I have been reading up on narcissism for a few days now… It’s blown my mind. The portant thing is to never take on their personality. I’ve been with my husband for almost 7 years and his mother has been very cold and confusing. She checks Facebook but never asks us how we are, not even when she sees us. She appears warm and loving but then can be so confusing. It’s been eating away at me, the constantly blaming myself… It all started when she asked her son to move back in with her. At the time we were a lot younger, just dating then… I was staying there often, we threw a party when she was out of town. She was going through a divorce and her step dad was dying… But then came the silent treatment. She had listened in on us arguing once. Same day she took off and blew off plans we had all made. Months later, she comes home drunk at 2am after we thought it was another weekend she just wouldn’t be around,.. Starts yelling through the door as bf is asleep saying “if you do not open this door in 30 seconds then I am coming in there” so my boyfriend who was sleeping next to me (I had been up with the light on).. Immediately she starts talking about how she comes home to an unfamiliar car in the drive way (my step dad’s truck that I we driving because my parents road was too muddy for me to drive my car) and how we are disrespectful. Bf is literally standing in his underwear, thinking it’s an emergency, she starts on me and how I am so disrespectful, how I laughed in her house during the week of her step dad dying, we leave towels on the bathroom floor, that I am “more disrespectful than her other son” … And she wouldn’t stop. Its been four years since that night and it wasn’t until two weeks ago that I stopped blaming myself. I was raised to respect people, I have never felt like I hurt someone so much… How could I let someone down so much?? She kicked us out, never said sorry but just “sorry for how I said it”… Calls everyone in her family right after, bf’s grandma messaged him on Facebook right afterward to call his mother. She hated me and all but told him that night that I am no good for him. She cried, it was so immature and obnoxious. I see that now. And I’m only 24 🙁 I love my husband with all my heart, god I do… When I met him he was a different person and that’s a part of growing up i know, but this woman has made her youngest into the scapegoat. She uses her tears to get anything she wants. So awful
I thought it was a strange statement that my ex-boyfriend mentioned a few times, I envy your life. Who would tell someone that, never mind someone you supposedly care for? It is irrational to envy someone’s life, wouldn’t you be happy for, not envy a person close to you. He also once mentioned to me out of the blue something that occurred months before, how someone mistook his car for a cheaper one and how he stood silent until he came up with a comeback to belittle him. Why would this be on your mind months later? Also he had a friend who was terminally ill and about to die and all he was obsessed with was getting a photo signed by a rock group for him. I had to tell him, I don’t think in the condition he’s in if this is of any importance to him or his family. No reaction to what I said. Their thinking is not rational. I am glad to have walked away unscathed and no longer trying to make sense of senseless.
These people are as cold as ice. They are inhuman. The narcissist that I was involved with used my loving nature to belittle me and devalue and degrade me. He was so envious of everything that I accomplished. Envious when I got a new car just a little run about not an expensive car. The silent treatment OMG I have had my fair share of those but unfortunately kept going back. Not this time though been no contact for 3weeks and holding my own with him. He Hoover’s me every couple of days but staying strong I cannot go back to that circus. Peace Mel xx
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