Narcissists are masters at controlling the lives of others, especially their spouses. (I am speaking about male and female narcissists.) If you are married to a narcissist it may take you some time to recognize that he or she is a NPD. In the beginning there is a glow that hangs over the narcissist. This is the case if you have chosen a very charming, magnetic partner who has possession of your deepest feelings and whom you love.
Eventually you will feel and sense that something is very wrong with the relationship. Some spouses blame the dissention and ugliness on themselves. After all, the narcissist is constantly criticizing you. You feel the force behind his accusations and sarcastic withering comments. You are overwhelmed and give in to his demands. You tell yourself that you will stand up for yourself next time but when the moment arrives you are too intimidated.
Narcissistic spouses manipulate the lives of their husbands and wives. Some of them are hyper-vigilant and watch everything you do–“helicopter spouses.” They are like shadows who follow you everywhere. It is unnerving and anxiety provoking.
The narcissistic spouse has a plan for you. He treats you like an object, a series of chess pieces on his life board. Narcissists cannot form loving, meaningful sustained relationships with anyone, including spouses.
Narcissistic spouses will move you around their chess board to their liking and to enhance their image (which for them is reality.) If you are attractive they will show you off as a piece of gorgeous humanity. They will want you to stay “young” forever with various surgical and aesthetic procedures. Some spouses go along with this image rebooting because they find that others in their circles are image fanatics. No one talks much about this. They just do it. I understand that sometimes these procedures are necessary and it is everyone’s right to have them. Here I am talking about the extreme pressure that a narcissistic spouse can put on his partner to constantly look perfect or else.
Narcissists are very restless and peripatetic. If they find someone else who is more attractive to them, they have no problem stepping out of the marriage and having a fling with another whom they find more exciting and compelling at the moment.
All the time that the narcissist is betraying you, he or she is projecting his rage on to you and making you feel inadequate and horribly flawed. Narcissists lead many secret lives–at times too many to count.
Narcissists work on our last nerves. They can make us feel sick. We cry over them, obsess over them. Some–throw their lives away for a narcissistic spouse.
Stop now. Identify your spouse as a narcissist and make a firm decision that you are going to end this “relationship” , this non-marriage marriage. Once you have decided, move forward with a detailed plan of your own that you don’t share with this severe character disorder who has caused you horrendous pain.
Surround yourself with a few people of integrity whom you trust. Find an excellent attorney who is your advocate. Practice self care as you move through this process.
Be determined to take back your own life and to heal completely. You will become the master of your own life. You will feel the freedom of making your own decisions, using your many creative gifts, taking a spiritual path if that is important to you, finding individuals whom you trust and with whom you have a closeness that is authentic and lasting. Be proud of what you have done to release your life into cool breezes that speak of freedom, inner peace, expansiveness, joy and full abundance.
8 thoughts on “Narcissistic Spouses are Masters of Manipulation”
They can make you feel sick and they can also make you physically ill. They are a constant threat to your perceptions. In fact, that’s their goal, to use, manipulate, destroy in order to satiate their deep mental illness. I’m convinced, being the son of a covert narcissist, that my immune system issues are directly related to Trudy’s pathology. She had me so confused, she kept me so inundated with her crazy bullshit that my body eventually became affected. I separated myself from my mother and my family the beginning of this year. I’ve never been as mentally healthy as I am now. I’m 48 yrs old and my true life is just beginning. I’m finally, for the first time in my life, on a path that is mine. I’m finally working towards my potential and I’m happier then I’ve ever been. There is hope, there is a way out…
Comment: From Angela
i cut all ties with a narcissistic man and had to place a total block on my phone. Aftet 5 months of peace I felt safe enough to remove the block and he has picked up where he left off.
verbally abusive, odd accusations, and now attempting to manipulate others to get involved in more of his delusional shenanigans.
it strikes me as odd that this man does not have a conscience, and hangs on to remnants of destruction which he crafted. thank God for cell phone call and text blocking apps.
I put the block back on the phone, and now atleast have some peace of mind.
“I stayed in a romantic relationship with a narcissist despite early red flags that the woman was looking for a marriage object rather than a person to share her life with. Do you know why? Stubbornness. I refused to accept that is this world of ours such people existed. It was refusal to accept that there is evil. At the end of our relationship I began to get the feeling that the woman (a respected and adored charming waif school teacher who was actually a covert narcissist underneath) was capable of the most egregious violations of trust imagineable.
It seems Narcissists are that way because their whole life is geared towards avoiding feeling painful emotions that ultimately give a person character and empathy.
Narcissists life path is the antithesis of what Jesus did (and still does) when you come to think about it. Jesus did not avoid pain. He went into the pain of mortal death and of carrying the “cup” ( burden of saving humanity) which was not easy for him, but he did it. Jesus heart is overflowing with love for humanity. Although we may not always understand why but this is true.
Narcissists on the other hand, find no one to love.
So for us people with a heart it’s about finding out someone’s pathway before getting too involved emotionally with them.
Are they on the Judas pathway or Jesus pathway?”
Comment: From Chris
Andre that was beautifully expressed! That resonated well with me. Thank you.
Comment: From la Tanya
Andre, it’s interesting that you brought up Jesus because my Narcissists ex-husband was a minister. And I couldn’t believe some of the things he said and did away from church. But the most astonishing thing I noticed, after I got away from him was, every thing on the Bible we (Christians) weren’t supposed to do, he did, ad the Bible. It was very disturbing… I pray that you find peace. God bless you.
After battling for four years in a long divorce ordeal I am so grateful to be free. I never look back. I am free now and happy.I wish everyone who is going through this my best regards and blessings
I am to the point at 60 years to have recognized and taken most of those steps. All I don’t have is a lawyer. We are,as many are,living less then paycheck to paycheck. My daughter thought it might be good to at least get my medican poa from possibly legalzoom.com.Any suggestions?
Thank you, Marilyn
I’m in a marriage with a narcissistic man. At times I feel like I’m drowning. I have been made to think I can’t make it without him. I just don’t want to go thru the drama of a divorce & separation. We had domestic violence in the past & I have a fear of that again if I ask him to leave.
Does anyone have any advice for me.
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