Narcissists are masters at controlling the lives of others, especially their spouses. (I am speaking about male and female narcissists.) If you are married to a narcissist it may take you some time to recognize that he or she is a NPD. In the beginning there is a glow that hangs over the narcissist. This is the case if you have chosen a very charming, magnetic partner who has possession of your deepest feelings and whom you love.
Eventually you will feel and sense that something is very wrong with the relationship. Some spouses blame the dissention and ugliness on themselves. After all, the narcissist is constantly criticizing you. You feel the force behind his accusations and sarcastic withering comments. You are overwhelmed and give in to his demands. You tell yourself that you will stand up for yourself next time but when the moment arrives you are too intimidated.
Narcissistic spouses manipulate the lives of their husbands and wives. Some of them are hyper-vigilant and watch everything you do–“helicopter spouses.” They are like shadows who follow you everywhere. It is unnerving and anxiety provoking.
The narcissistic spouse has a plan for you. He treats you like an object, a series of chess pieces on his life board. Narcissists cannot form loving, meaningful sustained relationships with anyone, including spouses.
Narcissistic spouses will move you around their chess board to their liking and to enhance their image (which for them is reality.) If you are attractive they will show you off as a piece of gorgeous humanity. They will want you to stay “young” forever with various surgical and aesthetic procedures. Some spouses go along with this image rebooting because they find that others in their circles are image fanatics. No one talks much about this. They just do it. I understand that sometimes these procedures are necessary and it is everyone’s right to have them. Here I am talking about the extreme pressure that a narcissistic spouse can put on his partner to constantly look perfect or else.
Narcissists are very restless and peripatetic. If they find someone else who is more attractive to them, they have no problem stepping out of the marriage and having a fling with another whom they find more exciting and compelling at the moment.
All the time that the narcissist is betraying you, he or she is projecting his rage on to you and making you feel inadequate and horribly flawed. Narcissists lead many secret lives–at times too many to count.
Narcissists work on our last nerves. They can make us feel sick. We cry over them, obsess over them. Some–throw their lives away for a narcissistic spouse.
Stop now. Identify your spouse as a narcissist and make a firm decision that you are going to end this “relationship” , this non-marriage marriage. Once you have decided, move forward with a detailed plan of your own that you don’t share with this severe character disorder who has caused you horrendous pain.
Surround yourself with a few people of integrity whom you trust. Find an excellent attorney who is your advocate. Practice self care as you move through this process.
Be determined to take back your own life and to heal completely. You will become the master of your own life. You will feel the freedom of making your own decisions, using your many creative gifts, taking a spiritual path if that is important to you, finding individuals whom you trust and with whom you have a closeness that is authentic and lasting. Be proud of what you have done to release your life into cool breezes that speak of freedom, inner peace, expansiveness, joy and full abundance.