Narcissistic mothers often pick a favorite child–the kid that has it all: good looks, intellectual brightness, a gleaming personality, athletic prowess. These “mothers” know what they want–the child who will provide them with the perfect ever-lasting narcissistic supply. What could be better than to have a reflection of yourself as part of your own DNA. The bragging rights with this kid are endless. From the beginning the narcissistic mother makes it very clear that you are the outcast, the victim, the “less than” who will never make the grade.
You remember as a small child that your sister was the one who always shined in the family. She was called gifted, beautiful, the achiever, even the Star. Some children under these survival circumstances accept the role of not being “chosen.” They must get through their lives each day and as a result accept their roles as second, third, an also ran or not even in the game (or family).
The narcissistic mother brags to everyone that your sister is her favorite. She does it in a variety of ways–by providing special lessons to the Princess, by making sure she attends all the right schools (not you–you are on your own) through dramatic over the top displays of praise and adulation. You are the one who is criticized, demeaned and humiliated.
There are no limits placed on this budding narcissistic sister who never forms a conscience and exerts her power over you at every turn. This is so frightening to the child who is the outcast. She feels completely alone with no one to turn to. In some cases there is comfort in a grandmother or aunt who pays attention to the unchosen child but often the scapegoat gets the crumbs or less.
Throughout their lives these outcast children suffer and bear psychological cruelties. Some leave home very early to get away from the narcissistic toxicity. Others find ways to be invisible by staying the homes of friends most of the time. Many find comfort in libraries and through reading and flights of the imagination and Nature. All along there is pain inside for this forgotten sister. Many of them are very strong and courageous and decide that they will not be defeated. They find their way despite all of the obstacles placed in front of them by the narcissistic mother and sister.
Decades later the psychopathological pattern remains. Narcissistic mother and royal sister are thick as thieves. They feed off of one another’s egos.
The sister who received the abusive treatment from the narcissistic duo travels a long road to her awakening of the real self. In some cases quality psychotherapy is very helpful. In others these individuals take a spiritual route where they discover solace and inner peace. Many find friends and partners who demonstrate deep love for them. These are times of healing and growth. The evolving self continues its journey throughout life. If we are not growing we are regressing and so we move forward despite the pain of the past and the injustices that we cannot change. We learn from them, deepen our insights, soften our hearts, maintain our mental and psychological stamina and remain in touch with our souls.
If only there had been a Glinda in the life of a little girl struggling to make sense of her pain and loneliness. Today, if only there really was an omniscient Spirit who knows what she needs before she asks. Healing is a full time job, and not unusual for the victim, who is still the fragile, vulnerable little girl later on in life, to be triggered by the parasitic narcissists she encounters at the workplace.
This article is all about my narcissistic mother and sister. Mother died eight years ago. My sister and father are still alive, though I have severed ties with them, as well as a narcissistic niece coming up in the ranks.
Little is written here about narcissistic fathers. I believe my father is covert and overt at the same time; in other words, a sociopath.
Well, the tax collector is threatening to sell my house for $2300 worth of back taxes. I’ll survive it. Somehow I have managed to live this long and now I am absolutely determined to love and care for that little girl inside who was conditioned to believe she never had a chance. As a matter of fact, my mother gave me the nickname of “Binny Never Been.”
And SHE was the mother that “never was.”
Thank you again, Linda. This site is a comfort and joy. At last I have found a Glinda who touches the souls of the those on their way home after surviving the tornado the narcissists flung them into. I gratefully accept my well deserved ruby slippers.
I had been a Golden Child and even with all the so-called praises and affection, I was constantly suffocated. A narcissistic mother can love no one but herself. I am extremely grateful that I am out of her clutches and now realize what it was that I was going through. I want to make it clear to everyone having a narcissistic mother that even the golden child is another victim and if he/she isn’t a narcissist, then one should have talks with them to establish a relationship unblemished by the narcissistic mother.
When they’re several children, the narcissist mother switches from one golden child to the next. One in favor today and then others banished. This continued throughout the years in my family. As soon as you asserted yourself, disagreed with her or simply wanted to follow your life dreams.. you were casted out. What a cruel legacy which left brothers and sisters with a fracture bond and destroyed relationship. Our mother stole and violated one of life greatest gifts. The gift that a sibling can be in your life. She took her power and abuse to her grave. She named only the golden child in her will and boldly omitted all the others. The sad & ironic thing is that is taunted herself to be the greatest mother ever because she had so many kids. The abuse and dysfunction continues through the next generation. What a legacy ! Thanks Mom…
My narcissistic sister wasn’t better looking than me, and I was actually the talented one (musician, artist, writer); however, my sister did have a few qualities that I never had and never will, which my mother gravitated to.
My sister has the ability to pour the charm on, and bewitch people. People who don’t really know her just love her. My sister somehow can attract people to her very easily. I am the opposite. I am an introvert. I am a total introvert who would rather read books in my room alone.
I am not jealous of my sister’s outgoing personality, because it isn’t me, and it isn’t something that appeals to me. I’ve never really liked big, flashy, fake personalities. I could never be something that I am not, and that’s okay. I like myself how I am, I like being a nerd.
The thing that bothers me about this though is how society is attracted to these types of personalities. Is it any wonder that the wrong people are put into positions of power in every kind of company or even government? Is it any wonder that Robert Hare says that sociopaths are able to “hide out” in our society when people adulate these types of people? Snakes in suits, as some people call them.
Yes, my sister, who drinks far too much and laughs too loudly, so loudly that people turn around to stare, people love her, and my mother loves her. I was constantly told I look more like my father, and that I was too “cold and distant,” when the truth is…I AM AN INTROVERT. I am happy being an introvert, and it’s too bad that people are made to feel bad for being more quiet. We are adulating the WRONG types of people in our society.
I learned long ago that my mother loves my sister because her boisterous, super charming persona makes people love her. I have heard people saying she has an unbelievable charisma. Sorry, but that charisma they speak of makes me sick. All that I see is a very fake person with no real feelings except for her 500 pairs of shoes.
Wow this article describes my mother and older sister so thoroughly! It is crazy. I never really understood it, I was always the scapegoat, I had a younger brother and sister who were also the scapegoat at times but we grew up having to practically worship our older sister. My mother and older sister were so jealous and hateful of the bond this dysfunctional childhood brought between my other sister and I.
I am so grateful I am the scapegoat and not the golden child. My sister’s life is a train wreck, my bother is a wife switcher, and my life is more stable, financially more secure, I have better character, and I make better decisions. I’ve never had praise, acceptance, acknowledgement, or was loved, so I surrounded myself with good influences. I knew as a kid, something was wrong, and my family unit was screwy.
I don’t mind being the “black sheep”. Of all the siblings, I can deal with life’s vicissitudes without crumbling, and our mother can’t practice her NPD witchcraft on me. I’m on to her. I’m not her flying monkey, my sister and brother are. Fools.
My mother and my older sister have been trying to break me down and my other sister for years. It gradually worsened as we grew older into young adults who were trying to establish our own lives. My golden child of a sister does well on school and my mother praises her for it but she’s socially inept and cannot start any format of relationship romantic or not with anyone. Ever since my older sister and I started showing signs of wanting to start our own lives, my mother and sister always try to interfere. They both express distaste for my boyfriend and I could never understand why. He is not a bad influence on me but the exact opposite. He has made me the happiest I’ve ever been and does nothing but support me in every way. They always try to turn him against me and always bring up money because he is wealthy. I have never once argued with them whenever they try to interfere in my relationship for the sake of keeping the peace between me and my family and him. But they have never stopped trying and always make it seem as if I’m attacking them. I overheard her talking to my mother after they tried to argue with me. My sister said she hoped that my boyfriend treats me just as bad as I treat them and she hopes that he makes me into his own personal house maid.
I truly appreciate the mass amount of information available on narcissistic mothers… and scapegoats; however I’m looking for more on the abuse that golden children experienced at the hands of these women. Why is this far less talked about in the discourse on children of narcissistic mothers?