Misogynistic Narcissists Cause Psychological Harm to Women

Before I begin this post I want to state that most men are not misogynists. There are female narcissists who cause great psychological harm to men and women. There are many individuals who are not narcissistic personalities and lead their lives with integrity, empathy and compassion.

There is a kind of male narcissist who is highly misogynistic. He appears to be above reproach. On the outside his image is sterling. He is perceived as a person of integrity and compassion. He can be highly successful in the world or not.

Misogynistic narcissists do their damage to you in secret when you are alone with them or no one else is paying attention. Being married to a misogynistic narcissistic spouse is one of the most difficult and painful human experiences. In some cases it is a form of torture.

The other intolerable situations have to do with children of narcissistic parents who had to endure cruel ongoing punishments when they were small, helpless and dependent. Another is siblings of sadistic narcissistic brothers or sisters who terrorized them throughout childhood and who to this day strike fear inside of them.

Often there is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde aspect to this personality. On the surface, pure gold charm is pouring forth on to you. The narcissist appears to be polite and engaged with fine manners. No one would suspect that he is a misogynist who chronically hurts women.

The most powerful and significant events that weigh heavily on the psyche during our lives often occur in secret. As children we are threatened if we reveal the truth about our parents or other adult family members.

You never know when a misogynistic narcissist is going to appear in your life. If you get intuitions, red flags flying high, gut reactions—pay very close attention–It’s about to happen.

I recall a small important business dinner event. I was required to be there as a result of a commitment I had made. People were greeting one another. I was introduced to the individual who was hosting the event. This man acknowledged me and he placed his hand out to shake mine. His grasp of my hand tightened very quickly and became a deep painful unrelenting grip. I thought he was going to stop but he didn’t. I said: “That hurts.” He didn’t let go right away. I said: “No one has done that to me before.” He released my hand and made an excuse by saying that he was very strong. He seemed proud of that statement. I was shocked about his complete disregard over what he had done to me. My hand was throbbing and the pain did not go away for some time.  No one saw what he did or heard the verbal exchange between the two of us. He was scot-free. I could not make a scene during this business meeting. I was trapped with a man who was capable of causing physical pain and I believe great psychological pain as well. This is a very small example of the way that a misogynistic narcissist can operate with impunity.

I have heard and read many life stories of women who have been victims of narcissistic men who are misogynists. Their lives are filled with perpetrated cruelties, degradations and humiliations. Many of them have broken free from their narcissistic husbands, begun the process of healing and recovering their  true selves to lead their own separate lives in freedom and inner peace.






8 thoughts on “Misogynistic Narcissists Cause Psychological Harm to Women”

  1. Comment: From Paula
    I had a similar and uncomfortable experience with someone who did a similar handshake. There is no reason why anyone should exert this type of force on anyone.

  2. Comment: LM Lewis
    This is excellent information that will surely save lives. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewis must have her own TV show on OWN Network; ABC, CBS, etc. Great info! Many of us would have totally benefited if we only we knew about this personality disorder before.

  3. Comment: From Colleen
    Absolutely agree with LM Lewis. As a person who was an RN (active in the profession) for 42 years and have a son who fell “victim” to this personality disorder. I can tell you first hand the disabiling effect this has on a “normal, well adjusted” individual. My son, through, unwavering love of his family and a few good friends, has been able to free himself of the torture and torment of his wife. Unfortunately his son, because of the laws governing parental right, is left in the custody of a Narcissistic Mother. We are working day and night to have the Court help us free this child and return him to his father so that he may lead a wonderful and loving life, which he deserves.

  4. Comment: From Suzanne
    Yes… you have hit the ail on the head. It is done in secret. I am always so amazed people cannot tell. They are duped… My husband is a misogunistic narcissist… He is relentless.. He is in major denial. I am no ‘spring chicken’; 47 y/o. I have been around theblock before my husband, but still got duped… Whatever…, so I answeed my own question.LOL:)… anywayz, When he goes into his ‘mode’ , I all him on his actions in real time… meaning as it ishappening. It is draining, and grueling, but at least I don’t feellike a door mat and I retain my sense of self… what a nightmare life… Do they ever change, Dr? Have you EVEER seen it happen? What is wrong with them?

  5. I spent 5 years with a man who was not physically abusive or overtly cruel, but who completely distanced himself emotionally and completely abandoned me when I was going through a really difficult time. The man is very focused on his image and successful in his career helping others. He has an amazing front and women fawning over him left right and center. In my case, it was a subtle contempt, judgement and inability to show any vulnerability that was the most hurtful. You would expect an empathic human being to move in closer and offer support rather than become emotionally distance and shut you out of his plans and life when you are no longer perceived as having something to offer. I think he’s a covert narcissist but would be interested to see if anyone has had an experience like that.

  6. I am not whining, crying, or sobbing, this is strictly a matter-of-fact, highly condensed accounting of life with my misogynistic narcissist that I hope opens some eyes and changes some minds before they get caught up in it.

    I was disabled in 1999 and I am now bedridden which occurred about 5 years after our marriage, (well it’s more like my marriage, as he does not participate in marriage). The hidden abuse started on our wedding day, at the church, which I attributed to his nervousness. The honeymoon consisted of me sharing the week with a couple celebrating 50 years, they claim it has been 50 years of bliss, and returning home to a 21 day to vacate notice since he did not pay his mortgage for 7 months. I now know that I am never going to be anywhere near as fortunate as that very happy, old couple.

    I was receiving in home care before we married and my husband was fully aware of it and promised the same, right up until we ate our cake at the reception and hid dad told him not to screw this marriage up as he did twice before. He has since refused me any in home help for me causing my health to seriously decline. I almost immediately ended up becoming sole caregiver for his children for 9-10 months every year–their biological mother got them for the other 2 months. Husband worked out of town nearly every week and stayed in motels, whenever he was home, he sat in the chair watching TV or just laid in bed all day, or maybe go to a ballgame with the kids, me, I am supposed to be his servant. He encouraged his kids to treat me poorly and call me vulgar names, which he loudly proclaims that women are %*#$@ *%#^ *$%^%. However, once the kids and I developed a relationship they stopped mistreating me and quit calling me anything besides ma.

    While the relationship between me and the kids flourished, the marriage steadily got worse and my prisoner status was booming. He refused to allow me to keep my little, part time job (5-10 hours a month) by refusing me either my car or gasoline to get there. Utilities were cut off repeatedly, leaving me and the kids without heat, phone or electricity many times the first year, (he was in a motel working out of town so it didn’t bother him). He publicly degraded me to the point where I could not even go into the stores in our hometown any longer without the whispers deafening me. I was already in a wheelchair and repeatedly begged him not to block the egress routes and my fears were finally realized the day when I was trapped in a house fire and home alone. I slithered across the floor to get myself and my cat outdoors to my car, but I couldn’t get my wheelchair out, both doors were blocked from opening far enough, and I hen called 911. Fire and ambulance arrived. He was out with the boys and I needed the police to alert him to come home. He did so and for the next 6 hours I sat in my car with nothing but a robe on in the -13 degree winter weather. The boys kept trying to give me their coats. I had no blanket, no coat, no shoes, nothing but the car heater (which in -13 degrees fails miserably). He told the ambulance personnel that I didn’t need anything, but I really needed a blanket. His next step was to just drop me off at a motel so he and the kids could go to grandpas house and stay there. I had no clothes, had not eaten for over 24 hours and did not have my wheelchair, medicines or any other necessities. And to top it all off my pain levels soared and I needed medical care, but I was not allowed to speak to the medical personnel. The boys and I managed to stop that even from happening after a long argument, but everything else just got steadily worse. Anything of mine ruined in the fire was not added to the inventory list so no reimbursements were made for my losses.

    My health suffered even more since I could now not get to regular medical treatment because he had taken my car away from me when his broke down due to a 100.00 failed part, easy fix for someone who can walk and open the hood. Then he lost his job–which he claimed was my fault (I had never met anyone he worked with) and then immediately lost the next job–which, according to him, was also my fault, though I had never met any of them either. He refused to look for work elsewhere because he said he was ‘too good’ for those available jobs and what good would 400.00 a month do anyway. For the next 3 1/2 years he took my entire disability check every month and did with it as he pleased. We had lost our home and lived in my RV (at least it was a roof) and I was left alone in the RV while he would take off in my car, the one that was mine before we married and still titled in my name. My A+ credit rating is now crap and in collections and I am getting many collection calls a day even though I only have my protected social security income.

    He told his kids what women are and they should think and behave that way too. His kids have not visited once they graduated high school (the reason I stuck around). I am alone a minimum of 10 hours every day while he works, and up to 20 hours when he goes off to play. I have seen my mother twice in the last 4 years, one visit was at my brothers funeral. He has told nearly everyone that I am not really disabled in spite of me not being able to sit up or get myself to the bathroom to shower. I feel really fortunate that I did manage to get 3 baths in the last 4 years and 4 sheet changes on my bed, acts I consider nothing short of a miracle, and I am so grateful for his smidgen of help.

    We recently bought a new home that he stood over me like he did when he made me sign my car over to him, and demanded that I sign for the mortgage. Since I cannot defend myself as he is 100 times stronger than me so I did it. I have no help and manage to get about one meal a day. And I refuse to spend the last 40-50 years of my life in a nursing home. My health has been seriously declining over the last 4 years and all my tests are reflecting that, but he says he is not responsible for my needs–if he gives me dog/spoiled food to eat for dinner, that’s fine and I have to eat it or go without. My current diet consists of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before he goes to bed, it doesn’t over-tax him. I guess I should have treated his kids the same way, maybe he would have gotten the message. I know where I will end up in the not to distant future, and I sure hope he has a good time without me and my disability–unfortunately, he will get the 250.00 medicare death benefit. My mother was my first abuser and now that I married her, he will be my last.

    I cannot do a thing to change my situation now but use it to warn others. The second you think something is not right or he makes you cry or even nearly cry, leave right now–quickly and start over, your life, health, freedom and peace of mind is worth far more than any relationship. Men like him will NOT change as they believe they are perfect and should have more than anyone. They tell a wonderful ‘poor me’ story, but it’s all lies and they will never recognize or acknowledge the truth.

    I lost my cat (best friend and sanity keeper) to cancer 2 years ago so I now spend every day praying to become as physically ugly as I can, hoping it will wake him up or at least embarrass him. I visit my oncologist as often as I can but I am not taking any treatment. I cannot eat regular meals anymore as eating causes serious nausea, I can’t take my medicines as prescribed because he says it’s ‘okay’ to miss them for a few weeks. He attacks my doctors’ staff over the phone regarding inconvenient appointments. My 4.86cm abdominal aortic aneurysm (AAA) that I must have checked every 6 months, was delayed 18 months before the second scan because it wasn’t convenient for him. I wish it would just finally burst when he is at work or out playing so I can just have peace at the end. He only works 40 hours a week so that ‘inconvenient’ stuff is just all in his imagination but he finds justifications and blames others habitually. He manages to be very charming to everyone but me or my needs. His visits his father every 2-3 months. My family visits aren’t important enough to even consider, yet my mother lives almost an hour closer. My mom is 91 so she won’t be here for much longer anyway, which to him makes it not real important to see her. He will argue that he offers, but he doesn’t make the money to afford the extra gasoline, so its an impossible offer as I already have to cover his car insurance and his car payment nearly every month or he is hundreds short. I am not allowed a car key or if I do try to go somewhere, he stands in the doorway and I cannot fight to get through. It is my responsibility anyway to give him all of my disability for his fun regardless of my needs.

    Loving the boys was my reason for staying, and since custody had been granted only because of me being there, it would have changed had I left and the kids would have had a good chance to have been raised in a healthier atmosphere. Believe me when I say that the price I am paying, is far too high for such a small niblet of happiness.

  7. Thank you for your post I have been searching for definitions of misogynistic behavior but nothing I read really described my situation until I read your post. You have described my husband perfectly. I have been married 20 years. At first he was doting and even seemed to put me on a pedestal, it started when he would check me every time I left the house – give me the once over. Fix my hair, tell me my clothes needed ironing, asked if I was really going to wear that? I asked him to stop but he just would get offended and victimize himself – saying that I was judging his concern for me too harshly. And then punish me by detaching himself completely. He also had a complete inability to show vulnerability. Things took a turn for the worse about ten yrs ago, he was always very flirty with other women and had a psychological affair with a co worker, It may have been physical but I have no proof. When I demanded he stop seeing her socially he became very suspicious of me, he became physically abusive, but down plays that night, saying I’m over exaggerating. When my father died he completely distanced himself from me and now seems to enjoy a constant barrage of physiological abuses he spews toward me, tells me I deserve it because I have an attitude.


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