We are separate individuals, unique and precious—Our genetic patterns, dispositions, crinkling of our noses, infectious humor, our special hugs, deep thought, creative excursions–and millions of other workings inside of us and outside will never be repeated again. Our time on the earth is given to us. We didn’t ask to be here. And sometimes we wonder why we are, especially when our lives become very tough and seem impossible. This can be the case if we are involved with a narcissistic personality in a marriage, divorce, the child of a narcissistic mother or father, or a narcissistic sibling.
Narcissists cannot have relationships. They are experts at using others, manipulating them, seducing them, exploiting them and in the end, discarding them. If you have been the object of narcissistic abuse, determine that you will put this behind you. You have researched this severe personality disorder. You know that this person cannot and will not change. He is getting all of his needs met by diminishing the lives of those closest to him.
If you were raised in a family where you always felt less then it makes sense that you would not feel worthy or entitled. That is probably why many women and men are fooled by the charm and magnetism of the narcissist who promises you everything. Once you know who this person is, start to initiate your own plan to free yourself. From a practical point of view this can be challenging, especially if you unwittingly let him/her have charge of the finances. Nevertheless, remember that you are in charge of yourself and your reactions to this person. No one can possess you, think you thoughts, feel your feelings or be you.
Vow to lead your life your way. Value who you are and find a few people who appreciate you and can be trusted. Work to get physically strong by routinely exercising. Exercise is a practice of strengthening and freedom. It requires some discipline but becomes an essential part of our lives. We are in charge of ourselves. Learning is power. Give yourself all of the tools you need to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. I have written over 900 blog posts on this subject.
Gather hope inside from your knowledge. Take time each day, even a few minutes, to check in with yourself. Take a few deep breaths in and out through the nostrils and you will feel the relaxation start to flow. Learn to enjoy your own company. Activate the creative part of yourself in whatever form it takes. There is no judgmentalness here, only freedom and the excitement of discovery. You are growing, living, thriving within yourself. The original self is getting stronger each day. Look inside and smile.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
I really enjoyed your explanations of a NS and it gave me hope to be the person i was before I met such a person.
I’m going through a bitter separation but am living with this person everyday until we decide to sell our house.
thank you for your free advise. It helps me to understand that we all have some of theses traits in us but some more than others.
I’ve been for therapy (CBT) and my therapist told me after my second session that I did not need therapy and that the way I was feeling about my situation was perfectly normal and I was doing all the things she would recommend in CBT. ie: mediation, exorcise, and mindfulness. My ex partner told me I needed help but now I’m beginning to see that she needs help. She doesn’t believe that she is the one who needs counseling. I’ll pass your site onto friends who have similar issues.
Thank you.
Rob
Comment:From Anonymous
Hello Linda,
Thank you for your website. I have divorced a Narcissist. He unfortunately has shared custody. I am rather desperate for information on how to talk to our children in order to teach them the strength they will need to survive this. I see signs of the
N-Father pitting the children against each other, separating them, I hear of a lot of punishment and separations. I am concerned that my son is the golden boy who is being groomed to constantly approve of his important father. I hear my son brag around the elementary school about his important father. I am concerned that my daughter sits in her room, neglected.
Of course, the N Father buys them all the toys and restaurants and vactations and does not pay me one dime of loan repayment, child support or alimony and what’s more he drags me to court in a continual vindictive attempt to punish me through false accusations and attempts to jack up my debt to attorneys which is excessive. I am anon because I am in a custody battle. He tells the children the divorce is my fault and many other bad things about me