When we have been raised by a narcissistic parent or been married to a narcissistic spouse, it takes time and effort to first recognize the truth about what we have suffered. So many individuals blame themselves for narcissistic parents who controlled, manipulated and projected great cruelties upon them throughout their lives. Those who are married to narcissists are often in denial about the true nature of their spouse. They make the assumption that they don’t deserve to be treated kindly, respectfully and with empathy. Abused spouses and children of narcissists go along to get along. They are in survival mode. Quite often, those who grew up in a home surrounded by narcissists tend to marry one. How dreadful is that! I know many of these individuals through my email and blog. There is a tendency to repeat with the choice of a narcissistic spouse what we experienced as children. There is a lack of entitlement to peace of mind and being valued for one’s authenticity, creative gifts and precious individuality. The first step is to stop blaming yourself. The next is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. This gives you the control and power to psychologically separate from the narcissist in your family of origin or your narcissistic spouse or both.
After you know the truth and are holding fast to it, your healing proceeds with learning to take very good care of yourself. Healing is a process that we work on all of our lives. Many of us don’t know how it feels to be calm. We have lived in the Fight or Flight mode since before we can remember. It is “normal” for us. There is another way of being inside and in the world. That is the calming part of the nervous system–the parasympathetic nervous. In this place inside we feel safe, protected, grounded and free. This is your true nature and you deserve to feel this way. Your body/mind is inclined to put you in this state when you practice self care. This requires discipline and routine and a lot of patience and perseverance.
There are many avenues to the calming part of the nervous system. You will find your own that work for you in s special way. I will mention a few. One of the finest is acupuncture—ancient and powerful intervention that puts the patient in the parasympathetic mode of relaxation, inner safety and feelings of expandedness and well being. Another is using yoga with the breath to focus on basic poses that lead to calm and the acquiring of body strength and excellent mental focus. Listening to your special music that you find calming is another way to access this part of the nervous system. Go deep into the music–let it take you to a lovely place. Be spontaneous with it. Music is magical in its power to heal. Some people find that writing spontaneously frees them up to express anything that is in their mind and heart. Some people find great peace in Nature–gardening is a refuge to many, cooking is another one that brings joy and relaxation. Additionally, some people might also find that health products, like those at Delta 8 THC, can be useful for helping people to achieve relaxation. Those products contain high-quality hemp, which is known to positively affect stress and anxiety levels, allowing people to fully relax.
Find what you love and do it regularly.
The healing is waiting for you to activate it inside yourself. Remember, you deserve this. Wishing you a lovely voyage along the road to your inner peace, creativity and discovering beautiful mysteries that lie within you.
Comment: From Jodie
I too followed the abuse pattern of marrying a man who was just like the abusive woman, who at one time…I called mother. I have early memories of both of these people and both of them are bad. My so called mother smeared my face into a dirty diaper when I was two and my so called husband called me shit face and laughed about it when he found out. I am a broken human being.
Comment:From Heather
Thanks for guidance through my tough time love your e-mail updates !
Happy Holidays ! 🙂
Comment:From Karen
Thanks for these updates. I was raised by narcissist parent and continued my life with relationships with narcissistic men. Currently separated from my husband of 20 years and am trying to learn at the age of 57 to take care of myself. Have to pull myself together and get out of the house.
Comment:From: Sherri
Dearest Jodie,
Those who inflicted those horrors on you are the broken ones! In the words of Dr. Laura, do not become your own abuser! Be a victor over these atrocities!
Define who you are by how you treat others, not by how others treated you.
Try to get your hands on Dr. Laura’s book, ‘Bad Childhood, Good Life’. Her work is an awesome companion to the fine work of Dr M-Lewi.
All the best to you…..
That you are here reading these posts will help you heal
Comment: From Barbara
Are you still in contact with your NM, I wish you were in my area, would love to talk more with you, I know it is so hard to be treated like your nothing all your life, it is not so easy to brush it off and continue on, My mothers words and actions follow me everywhere .I went NC 7 years ago and it was definitely the best move I ever made, just recently found out about Narcissim and read as much as I can, you can’t talk about how bad your mom was to anyone, no one believes it anyway. That is the worst part, no one can see the real person she is. All I want to know is why she never bonded with me as a baby, why she bonded with my brothers and not myself. Although I know now they never rocked the boat and I could always see thru her and saw just what a mean person she really is. Just Mean to the core. Do things to keep yourself busy, I work in my greenhouse and my animals are my babies. They show me unconditional love and depend on my so much. I never had a real mother but I truly love to mother my animal babies. They think I am pretty great and that feels so good when you have been made to feel you are a nothing. She made me feel like a Nothing , now she is nothing to me. May she rot in hell!
Comment:From Barbara
I went NC with my NM 7 years ago when she shut me out of the family when my dad was sick , dying, and eventual death. I was treated like an outsider when I would come visit, be told that she and my two golden brothers had it all covered and they would be staying at the hospital with him. I was made to feel so uncomfortable and unwanted that I walked away two days before my dad died and never went back. I hate her so much for ruining my dads funeral for me, just as she had ruined every important event in my life.If she could she would ignore, sabatoge, or totally ruin anything that was important to me. She was jealous of any relationship I had with my dad whom I adored. How can a mother be jealous of her daughter and her dad. She put me down to anyone who will listen, Now I am the bad daughter in every one eyes. She continues on with her sweet innocent southern Baptist grandma act in public. I would not shed a tear if she died today. I hope God treats her the same way she did me, Now that would be justice.
Comment:From Carrie
I just got out of a marriage with a man with Narcissitic Personality Disorder. I feel completely broken. He was extrememly verbally, mentally, emotionally and even physically abusive with me. He also has an addiction to alcohol and pills. I didn’t realize that something was wrong until after I fell in love with him. I just thought he was “high maintenance”. Looking back now, I see the red flags were present at the beginning. But he was charming and told me everything I wanted to here, therefore, leaving me to believe I had found “the one”. Now, my self-esteem and integrity are gone. I’m trying my hardest to heal but it’s not coming at the pace I want it to.
Comment: Sher
Carrie,
Your description sounds a lot like my ex husband. The abuse, alcohol and pills, among other things. I wish I had known then what I know now. My self esteem was so injured, I could barely look people in the eye when I spoke to them (and that was only if I absolutely had to speak to anyone) for the first six months. I’m sure everyone is different but it did take awhile to start getting it back. Now, almost 3 years later, I can look people in the eye, I can walk through a crowd without getting anxious, I can turn my lights on at night, I can sleep and do it without nightmares. Take it one day at a time but keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there but you have to keep moving forward.
I wish all the best for you.
Comment: From Colette
Carrie, I’m where you are now. I’m trying to stop blaming myself for falling for this guy who somehow pulled together a persona of the perfect guy for me. I, too, didn’t heed the red flags of hidden anxiety, insecurity, bizarre jealousies. He was psychologically and physically abusive. Has drug and alcohol abuse problems and a history of adultery during his first marriage. All his problems he projected onto me … I was accused of being unfaithful, of bring a drug abuser. He even was pitting my lifelong friend against me, with secret phone conversations as though he was confiding in her about these nonexistent problems I had. I’m out now. Working on divorcing, working on getting my head on straight, trying to be easy on myself when I miss the man I thought I was marrying. He didn’t really exist.
Colette
Comment: From Davina
Jodie, Don’t be broken–just keep working on putting good things into your life and picking more supportive friends and partners. What your mother did was absolutely despicable and you’ll never forget what she did and it breaks my heart. But as someone commented here: don’t let it blacken your whole life.
I also had a narcissist mother and keep choosing men and even employers who are psychological carbon copies of her. I’m still working on picking better people and am feeling happier each year, especially now that I’ve cut off contact with my mother and anyone who thinks she’s “wonderful”. She puts up a good front and it’s left me with just one “safe” relative but that’s okay…
I wish you much happiness in the future.
Comment:From Liz
I have read your post and cried. This was my husband. He stole my life.
Comment:From Anon
Its been over a year since I was discarded. I am a male and I married a female narc. My family are narcs as well. I lost most of what I worked for for my family and was violated into being grateful for generosity to leave the battered up kitchen table. I’m stuck her with my mum who has the emotional capacity of a brick. I lost all my friends as I declined into the crazy habits abuse puts you into. I have read articles over and over but most days I just fathom what I have lived through and my resolve just, dissolves. No one gets it. They just think your weak or crazy. Being treated as worthless most of your life has terrible effects. Even when the penny drops on your treatment the pain increases. I hope someday we can all get ourselves back. Who we were meant to be. I respect you all and your strength. Good luck.