This is going to be your year for clearing out all remnants of narcissistic abuse from your life. Yes, you can do this. Narcissists eventually eclipse our lives in the most malicious ways. They take away our feelings of hope, creativity, spontaneity, sense of beauty, psychological strength and a grounded sense of self.
Make a determination that you know who the narcissist in your life is an was—a mother, father, sibling, current spouse, ex-spouse. This highly pathological person is never going to change so give up on that concept. You cannot get around these people. They are always overstepping our boundaries and insinuating themselves upon us. They are dictators who rule by intimidation and use a series of carrots and sticks to keep us in place. They know our emotional vulnerabilities, especially our fear of abandonment and lack of assertiveness to stand up for ourselves against their bullheadedness.
Don’t share your plan with the narcissist. Keep it quietly and safely protected in your own thoughts. There it will grow as you become stronger. Becoming physically stronger and healthier in whatever ways you can is very important. Eat the right foods and exercise in a way that makes sense for you. Take time to be by yourself whether that is reading a book, watching a special delightful video, going to a movie, writing a few sentences each day unedited. Feel yourself being transported by music as you enter a world of beauty that quiets the nervous system. If you like yoga do a few gentle poses each day to remain limber and strong. Doing poses breathing through the nose, you learn how to focus your attention in a quiet but powerful way. You also become familiar with living in your body and appreciating its design.
Conversations with friends either in person or on the phone can be very entertaining and informative. Texting is also a great source of playful distraction and respite.
Focus on studying what you love—regardless of the subject. I recently watched a lecture by the great physicist Richard Feynman and was blown away by his enthusiasm and love for learning. His joy was absolutely intoxicating. He had no limits to what he was seeking and wanting to learn. He is truly inspiring. After his death he lives on in the brightness of his eyes, his grin, his joy at being alive and his indomitable spirit and unlimited intellectual curiosity. Get in touch with these facets of yourself and appreciate what is inside of you–an endless source of creativity, fascination with learning and a thirst for experiencing beauty in every form. Pay attention to what speaks to you alone. You will get an answer from your intuition.
Be patient with yourself. After so many years with the narcissist(s) be kind and don’t make self judgments. Give yourself time and space. Self renewal takes place at your pace. If you find yourself slipping, know that you will come back and continue along your new pathway.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Comment:From Mollie
This feels so much like my life. I am so confused at this point. I know everything I read here is completely accurate but at the same time I think it is me, perhaps it is me and my problems causing all of this chaos in my world. My husband of 28 years is my narcissist. I feel like one day I am strong and I can do what I need to do to get away from him but then there are times that I feel weak and scared and unsure of everything. I just want to cry a river sometimes and just let it all go but I don’t. I hold it back.
Comment:Me
in a similar situation for 14 years and “get” my situation more and more….even though extremely difficult (for me) to comprehend. I do believe that one needs to make their way “out” by secretively preparing a new life, ‘being’ WITHOUT the narcism
Comment:From Joyce
I was raised by a Psychopath (diagnosed) and then married a narcissist, of course! What did I know? I thought these kinds were “normal” even though they nearly destroyed my life; my father with sexual, physical, and emotional abuse and my husband with the same. It took me years after divorcing my spouse to stop trying to think of ways to please him in hopes he would change. He eventually told me that he was not going to change, a rare gift that opened my eyes! I have been in therapy for many years and am still recovering from the lies and abuse but understanding that these types can’t change or be the loving, caring people we want and need is helpful. I still have a long way to go, but going back to college, getting a degree and becoming involved in helping people has given me a new purpose in life. Thank you so much for your insights and encouragement.
Comment: From Tracy
I have been in a NR for a year and a half on and off. I was completely taken by his good looks and charm. This site has described my situation perfectly. All his traits who I blew off as” that’s just who he is” or how he told me this is just who I am. He has used me for my money and even though we are not together he still has control. He always “needs” me to do or give something. I had to slowly pull away and not pay attention to all the threats. He still has my car which he feels I owe him because he doesn’t have one. But I have a plan for that as well. This has not been easy but reading this has helped me to see he really has issues I can’t help him with. He calls me horrible names plays on my insecurities and lets me no that he knows exactly how to get to me. Wish me luck