In dealing with a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father, sibling, you are on a tightrope without a net. You feel the anxiety building inside of your nervous system each time you anticipate an interaction. You brace yourself for these events. Sometimes you are surprised that the narcissist has pulled in his/her horns and comes across as emotionally neutral or stable. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). At times you lower your guard only to find yourself in the middle of an explosive ugly scene. Once again, you are at fault; you made the huge mistake; you were stupid; you are insensitive and thick headed, etc. These abusive projections of narcissistic rage are endless. Each time you think that the narcissist has changed and will be different, even civil. These beliefs keep you tied to the narcissist, his or her source of supply that endangers you psychologically.
Children of narcissists grew up in these trauma producing families. Early on they were victims of narcissistic parental rage that never seemed to end. To this day you can hear the narcissistic mom or dad or both screaming through your head, hurling accusations, epithets, insults and humiliations. I hear from many of them and it is surprising how empathic these adult children are. They have survived this cauldron of pain and terror at great cost. Yet, they are remarkable human beings.
Narcissistic personality is fixed. It does not change. Along with it comes narcissistic rage. There is no way around this. Often narcissistic rage deepens with age and becomes more volcanic since the narcissist is living in psychological delusion and incapable of personal insight.
Separating out and individuating from the narcissist is essential to your personal, creative and spiritual growth. Appreciate who you are, act on your intuition and the knowledge that you have obtained about the true nature of the narcissist.
Free yourself, heal and recover. You deserve to be at peace, to have relationships of trust and deep caring and the full use of your many creative gifts.
To put another point in your favor, remember that the narcissist treats his or her victims as though everything is considered a game or sporting event. Narcissists are obsessive “game players”, always in a mode of constant competitiveness. You must realize that the tragedy is that the contest, to which you’ve been invited, is rigged. You will never win in the long run with him or her. The narcissist cannot let you be better or look better in the eyes of others. They can’t let you steal their limelight. They are right, and you are wrong. They dress properly, yet they will have you dress down, so they look better. If you succeed in looking better than they do, they might make or allow you to stumble, so they can show others how you lose your temper or how careless you are. Such an example might be to bring you to a point of anger or embarrassment in front of someone, only for them to tell that someone that you always act that way when you don’t get what you want. You may be “given” a few superficial wins along the way, but the narcissist is only scheming to outdo you, every step of the way. In this way, they rob you of your self-respect and confidence to show others how much better they are. The danger with all this is that you can be pushed to a feeling of worthlessness, despair, stripped of your dignity and worthy character. Remember, as I now do, the narcissist didn’t create you, so they don’t have any right to take your life, or anything else from you. We all have our gifts — don’t be afraid to use and keep them.
The period since I severed ties with my narcissistic father, sister, and niece over the past two years is like a period of convalescence. Learning to trust the healing process is an incredible journey. Along the way we begin to more easily recognize narcissistic traits in others as the flame of our intuition breathes air. Our precious intuition; the foe of the narcissist.
Now and then a trigger will momentarily open up the rabbit hole, but only momentarily. Before going No-Contact, there was no coming up for air. It would be weeks, months, even years of being in the dark, like being buried alive. Learning to be patient with the healing process is a challenge though it becomes easier to “give in” to beautiful summer days and realize it’s okay if you haven’t done as much as you “should” have. I believe that we overcome our trauma by giving it over to God for healing. There is little else we can do, and in this way, we are drawn closer to our Source and are then able to see a blessing in our suffering.
It is so important to guard our hearts, to observe, and not take things in as we once did. Learning how to do this is like building up muscles, and our inner strength literally comes from the grace of God who rewards us for following Him and turning our backs on those who know no better than to spend their lives throwing stones. The manipulative, sadistic tactics of the narcissist are unfathomably immoral and cruel, yet as Linda has mentioned before, they tend to embed themselves in churches and high places where they can effectively hide behind their masks and convince the naïve of their piety.
I still can’t help but wonder what will happen when my narcissistic father realizes the bimbo church secretary that he took up with has been mopping the floor with him. Familiarity breeds contempt. He threw everything away that he ever worked so hard for with my late mother; his honor, his integrity, the respect of his family, even his tainted riches — and with both hands. Every man in town avoided the bimbo like the plague because they knew what she was about. My old man was the idiot who got stuck on her fly paper. He can’t be that stupid as to not be seeing how duped he was on some level. And what happens when the narcissist realizes he’s been played a fool?
This is why we are always at war. Our government is loaded with narcissists. The narcissist prizes nothing more than titles, awards, honors, accolades, prestige, and all the superficial fixings that mask their true identity. Until they figure out the charade, if their lucky, in their final hour.
Dr. Linda, you have described so well what it is like to live with these character disorders in parents and then spouse. I thought I must be going insane or was crazy. Now that I’ve freed myself and have begun to heal with Somatic Experiencing Trauma Therapy, yoga, and mindfulness meditation my mind is becoming clear and am often feeling content, energetic and peaceful. The journey of recovery is long and healing is very challenging. Reading your blogs and others comments of their experience helps so much to feel less alone. Thank you.
Dear SAF, in reading your other entries, I realized that you are my sister in Christ, not my brother in Christ as I stated in one of my entries:) Well I am a 55 yr old grandmother living in S. Fla. and my dad is the narcissist in our family. I was surfing the web about being disinherited from my dad’s will and came across these great articles on this personality disorder. I thank and praise our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for guiding me to this website. For the first time in my life I’m able to understand and know what my dad is and is not, and to know we’re not the only victims.
Dear Theresa,
Thank you for reaching out!
We are indeed divinely guided to this website. When we find it, the validation and reassurance is exactly what we need when the rage of having been so brutally betrayed by our fathers seems to become more powerful than our connection to Jesus Christ. It is amazing how He works through us and guides us —- not my will but Thy will be done.
Though I discovered this website and Linda’s writings less than one year ago, this, and prayer, daily devotion, healthy food and plenty of water, adequate sleep, peaceful walks, honoring my creativity, hugging my cat, and gratitude have helped me so much more than over thirty years of therapy. Many therapists are narcissists themselves and do far more harm than good.
As Linda points out, it is imperative for us to take care of ourselves. She helped me to define the narcissistic personality of both my father, sister, and niece, so I was then able to relieve myself of the responsibility I had assumed for trying to somehow please these people which meant tolerating and accepting their crazy-making abuses as normal hoping that someday they would begin to treat me with a grain of respect, consideration, and most of all, show some indication for having a capacity to genuinely love. I realize now that I find more warmth and loving energy hugging a tree than from hugging them. Nothing there, ever. No energy, no contact, no nothing. Stone cold.
After going NO CONTACT with the whole pack of wolves, all three — father, sister, niece, I find myself literally in a state of convalescence. I do the best I’m able on a daily basis and, without being a fanatic, find that my daily devotion, every hour on the hour, is what keeps me beneath the shadow of His wing and gives me the confidence and courage to carry on. The miracles that unfold in our lives when we leave the abusers to their own devices are like fields of daisies. I guess after having been so abused, belittled, betrayed, and minimized for my entire lifetime, to at last find that our Beloved God is there for us always as the only loving Father we have craved is truly mind boggling. Little by little, as the awareness of His holy presence fills our soul, we begin to realize that all of our trials have been blessings in that we are being called to the life well-lived according to His will. There is tremendous relief in the realization that our lives did not need to be any other way and that without our suffering, we wouldn’t know how to carry our cross, and forgive, so we may be worthy of His promise —- the crown.
And we are always validated through Scripture, too. What is most tragic is the evil way in which the narcissist willfully seeks to destroy our souls and our connection to God at a very early age. The havoc they wreak is unfathomable but even so, when we ask God to forgive them instead of pressuring ourselves to forgive them, miracles take place. Every time they begin to invade our consciousness once again, we give the thought right over to God and ask for His will to be done, and let it go. The more you do this, the more He will hold you in the hollow of His hand.
The period of convalescence is also a period of grieving. Now and then it is greatly cathartic to completely open your heart to God and let the river of tears wash away all that makes your heart feel heavy. It is truly joyful to be open and honest with God, and to tell Him every single thing that is weighing you down. Be patient with the process and trust that the timing, too, will always work out even though it may seem sometimes like He’s too late!
I am in my late 50s and pray fervently to fulfill every mission that God intends for me while I enjoy the gift of life here on earth. That is my prayer to the Most High. So much of our lifetime has been consumed by the trauma and chaos of abuse that it is a miracle we’ve been able to function at all — learned helplessness can be one of the “side effects” of surviving a narcissist. But this too helps us to define what it is we need to ask God for in our healing journey, and as our awareness meets the Divine will, all of His gifts are given to us. All we need do is ask.
Always put God first and as long as we are able to trust in Him by putting Him first, from now on we will live a good life of peace and contentment. Every day is truly Christmas. Remember, we are in this world but not of it. All of our needs will be taken care of and will exceed our expectations. This is His promise and we must not doubt for one split second that He will ever betray us.
Here is a prayer to Saint Joseph, the most loving of fathers, which is a great comfort and I hope you will find so too:
“Oh, Saint Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in you all my interests and desires.
Oh Saint Joseph, please do assist me by your powerful intercession and obtain for me, from your Divine Son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ our Lord, so that having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of Fathers.
Oh Saint Joseph, I never weary of contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms. I dare not approach while he reposes near your heart. Press him in my name and kiss his fine head for me, and ask Him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath. Saint Joseph, patron of departing souls, pray for us.
Amen.
Blessings to you, dear sister, with Love in Christ!
I am beginning to see why I keep getting involved with narcissists. My dad, a retired colonel, was a huge narcissist. When I was a sophomore in high school, he told me that I was too ugly to get married, so I’d better plan on working for the rest of my life. Everything was always about his image. This article has been helpful, as well as the book, Rethinking Narcissism, by Dr. Craig Malkin. The cognitive dissonance is what makes it so difficult. My dad had times when he seemed to care about me. Since my dad died, my poor mom has revealed just how much of an egomaniac my dad was. She keeps repeating his hero stories he retold over and over about himself. He was always the hero. My mom feels she is insignificant. She totally lost her identity being married to a narcissist for so long. I told her yesterday that I don’t want her parroting anymore of his stories. Instead, I want to hear about her life. I think that subconsciously, the reason I never married was fear of being stuck with someone just like my dad-and ending up like my mom.
Recently, I ended a toxic friendship with a high-ranking police officer who turned out to be a narcissist. I let myself get pulled into feeling sorry for him after he had sent me an email indicating that he felt very humiliated by accusations in the media about him. (He was later exonerated.) I thought perhaps he might be one of those suicidal cops, and that he had reached out to me. I felt responsible for him! The truth was, I only provided narcissistic supply for him. Looking back, what a waste of time that was. I sent him scriptures to help encourage him, and tried to make him feel that he was making a big difference. I insisted he send his wife copies of my emails. Thankfully, I never let myself get pulled into having an affair. I let him know right away what my moral values are. I think he would have, though, had I been different. God kept giving me nightmares of someone trying to get into my house at night. In the dreams, the front door was left open. Well, I totally closed it. I stopped emailing back and forth with him, but avoided telling him what I really think of him. He has a lot of power as a police officer, and could destroy me. People think he is a great guy. He had said he is retiring in a couple of months. Yippee.
I spent so many years in counseling fearful I would become my mother. It was a relief to hear my counselor tell me I’m not. Empathy is my greatest gift and my most powerful weakness. It was my empathy for his life that so paralleled mine that drew me to him. I survived my mother; I survived my husband; but, this man broke me and changed me in ways I never saw coming. I’m learning to forgive myself, but it’s slow going. The feelings of contempt for him are building and my sadness at how much of myself I lost, how off-track I got on my way to my personal and professional goals sometimes consumes me. I lost 7 years and, at 54, that feels like a lifetime. Counseling is helping. Your book is a tremendous help. I’m so glad to have stumbled upon your blog, as well. Thank you.
I feel desperate to share the details of my story but it feels like it would be a novela, the events and exchanges, the tyranny of my sister and her unwholesome connection to my ex and father of my children, both narcissists and equally enraged by my recovery behaviors and boundaries. She is smugly fanning the fires of his old rage. We had worked miracles,he and I, to co-parent in peace and she has destroyed it, while my mother-also mentally ill, supports her and threatens me if I don’t just get over it. No Contact is not an option as my children are being used as pawns. My sister and ex are elated at the havoc this takes only in my life…but it is not just me….it is my sons’ mother. They don’t care who they hurt as long as they are winning. It is a nightmare. Hellllp! I feel dark and brittle when I think of them and the holiday shenanigans ahead. I am ok, so long as I stay present and just do the next right thing. Honestly, I just want to curl up in a ball or dive into the internet seeking solace with others courageous enough to share about it. Thank you!
I recently moved back to my hometown after 11 years and I feel I have made the worst decision of my life. I came back because my parents are elderly and I wanted to spend time with them but I realize how dysfunctional the family dynamic is and the narcissistic personalities of my sisters and dare I say, mother as well. I own a home next to my parents and I thought I would work on fixing it up and turning it into the home I imagined it to be. Since I have been back I have experienced the “volcanic rage” of my oldest sister and mother. My middle sister has texted me several times telling me “the only reason I moved back is because I have fear and I’m in denial about it.” I have distanced myself from my sisters, brothers and mother. I feel withered and have been reading as much as I can about dysfunctional/narcissistic families, watching TedxTalks, you name it. I don’t want to feel as though my family is running me out of my home, but I think if I stay I will continue to wither. When I was away I would think, “Why am I spending all this money on rent when I could live in my home and put the money into it?” But I think in order for me to keep my sanity I need to move away once again. Thank you for posting your stories to help me (and others) learn how to deal with this issue.
My mom was the main narcissist but both of my parents were. Pop was a rageaholic misogynist . His fave saying -“women can’t do that “. ” that “being anything from taking normal length strides while walking ( I wasn’t ladylike ) to dressing in jeans and having a best friend ( I must be a lesbian) . Mom was the real nutcase . I dressed in jeans because if I wore something pretty she would destroy it. She would destroy personal possessions constantly include my drawings . I actually was selling my work and she’d destroy paintings and supplies. She’d hold my funeral in front of me ( I was nine) humiliate and embarrass me constantly . I was kept isolated from others and the family views her as the good parent because she was “just” emotionally abusive not violent like my father . If you’ve ever seen the 2 movies , she acted like a mix of Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest & the sexually repressed hysterical nutcase mother from the movie Carrie ( the original version from the 70s )
Another thing that really bothered me and that I still have nightmares over was her calling me a whore every day for six straight years – my entire teen years. I was so underweight that I had irregular periods ( of course she’d tell me I was fat) but that was her excuse that somehow inside her head I was sleeping with every man on the planet ( I didn’t have a boyfriend and I was a virgin but she’s crazy ) in fact that was what made me realize that she was crazy . She’d made up things before and would slander me to other family members . But that behavior made me take a good hard look at her .
just for learning and helping
thank you
im terrified of my narcisstic boyfriend but miss him as well. he finally is out looking for the home he promised so i can take care of sick dogs.I have me own mental illness. i have lost my hair lost wait have sores all allover and i feel like im losing my mind he lies straight to my face. i know he is probably trickingne because hes losing me i dont know what to do. he left me in a mental hosp this is where i feel safe now very sad