Covert Narcissists Re-Traumatize Their Victims

The covert narcissist is a dark genius at re-victimizing his/her human targets.  Whether you are married to or divorcing a covert narcissist, you feel riddled with terror and dread most of the time. You are stuck in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system zone and feel neither safety nor comfort.

I have spoken and communicated with many individuals who are suffering horribly – emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually as a result of the accumulation of stress and distress over years of being the object of vile, pernicious projections by the Covert. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists.)  The pain is deepened by the fact that the covert is gifted at concealing his multiple cruelties, manipulations and deceptions.  Lies roll off of his tongue automatically and everyone believes  him.  You are always left holding the bag. Even your own family may not believe that you know and are telling the truth about this covert viper.

After listening carefully to your intuition and doing your research, have faith in yourself to take action to remove yourself from the hellish life that you are leading.  You are in a no win, non-relationship. The covert narcissist cannot and will not change.  It is your call to press the reset button and begin to make your plans in secret to leave this individual. Be careful about the people with whom you share this information. You will find a few individuals (even one is good) whom you can trust and who will support you.

Take time to appreciate who you are as an individual, a wonderful human being who deserves to lead a life in inner peace, freedom and emotional and psychological security.

Take time to do your form of prayer and meditation, listening to healing music, doing spontaneous writing, exercise in the way that works for you, getting the sleep that you deserve and taking rests when you need them.  This is very important because you must  fill up your reserves so that you will move through this period of your life to a new tempo, one that is calmer, kinder, beautiful and loving.

I know so many wonderful individuals who have taken this journey to freedom and dynamic peace. Climb aboard – We are waiting for you to ride with us.

7 thoughts on “Covert Narcissists Re-Traumatize Their Victims”

  1. Amazing how the human character resembles an iceberg, whereas, so little is seen on the surface, yet what lies hidden, underneath, can be massive and effect so much damage. Dr. Martinez-Lewi has hit the nail, once again. I can’t help but think her writings should be essential reading for all prospective cohabiting couples.
    Counselors should be handing out pamphlets referencing her works and high school-college teachers should be exposing narcissistic character traits when discussing human psychology or relationships.

    I’m personally glad to see she included prayer, as well as meditation, in seeking relief. From personal experience, for what snares I have fallen prey to, God has allowed my eventual escape. That’s not proselytizing, Folks — just fact — and why I’m still alive, today. With all the narcissistic complications in my life, there had to be a “Designer” to bail me out each time and provide me the strength to carry on.

    For those of you who have gone “No Contact” and find yourself as lonely as I have, I offer my variation of a quote from the late President Kennedy – “Ask not what you can do for yourself, but what you can do for others”. When you feel down and alone, focus on finding some way to help someone else (or hurt or mistreated animals) and you will start to live, again. Always remember that going to artificial means of recovery, as with drugs or alcohol, only offers temporary, superficial relief, with probable harmful side-effects.

    Be smart and ready yourself for the long-run. All of us have some gift(s) to offer.
    (Animals don’t, and won’t, fake their love for you, as they love, unconditionally.)

  2. The narcissist in my life is targeting a new victim that I see has values similar to those I do. I feel that in pursing someone that walks in my circles he is getting closer. I am trying to work through the fear I realize I feel. I feel fear for my children and I and I am trying to find ways to overcome those uncomfortable feelings.

  3. Thank you for addressing the covert-stealth narcissist. As the daughter of a more overt narcissist I unfortunately married a very stealthy narcissist. Fortunately I have completed the divorce from him after 28 years. Unfortunately he is still working his ‘magic’ on our two young adult daughters.

  4. This is just what I needed to read today.

    I am nearing (I hope) the end of a brutal divorce from a narcissistic disordered husband. It has been the ride from hell with children involved.

    I can count at least 8 times over the last 8 months where I felt on the verge of death due to the manipulation and deception aimed at devaluing me and my role as our children’s sole caretaker.

    After raising our children beautifully by myself (he travels more than half the month), and taking a back seat to everyone’s needs, I somehow find myself in a position of defending my every move to a Court that believes his disgusting lies about his time and effort spent at home.

    I have done everything, including shielding our children from his abuse, and yet, in Court, he comes out on top.

    It is difficult to express to anyone, even those that seem to understand, how exhausting and depleting this process is, especially after enduring the emotional abuse for 10 years. I do not ever want to be a victim, but I can see how that can happen if you don’t wake up everyday ready to fight back for your life.

    My case has had a lot of twists and turns. I am determined to move everyday more from a place of strength than from a place of fear. My attorney says that the reason it has gone on this long, which involved a trial, is because he simply never thought I would last. He thought I would fold at the very thought of not seeing my kids everyday. He counted on that as he pawned the kids, one by one, in exchange for money.

    The hardest part for me has been not understanding how someone can lie, repeatedly, even when factual evidence tells a different story. For me, the jury is still out whether he knows he’s lying or he is so mentally ill that he believes the untrue story.

    I wish No Contact were an option for me. But, until the Court makes a decision, with kids, it’s just not.

  5. I am proof that we can get out! I had 2 years of planning in secret and was finally able to move out a little over a year ago. He was a cold viper who charmed with his great sense of humor. And like I mentioned in another post I am really learning about ME. what was in me to attract and stay with that person!? And I’m learning why and healing. Getting strong and happy! We should be proud of our strength to want and be able to get free. I’m not ever going to let myself get involved with a bad person. I’m going to pay attention to the red flags of which there were! I saw them and thought “hmmmm uh oh” but did not heed.

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