Concealeds are the most clever, cunning forms of narcissists. They hide behind their impeccable images of pseudo empathy, self effacement, even holiness.
These individuals fool a lot of clinical professionals even while they are in treatment when their marriages have gone awry. Concealeds pretend like they want to work on and save the marriage. On some occasions they convince the couples therapist that the other party is to blame for the failure of the marriage and flips him or her to their point of view. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).
Concealed narcissists are every where. Some are found in spiritual groups and churches. The spiritual narcissist is a special breed who is masterful at deceit. These individuals magnetize others to them with their pseudo empathy, fake thoughtfulness and persuasion of their devotion to your well being and spiritual growth. There are numerous narcissistic spiritual teachers who fool their followers, take their money, brain wash those closest to them and tell outright harmful lies camouflaged with empty promises. Beneath the holy surface, it is always about them and what they want and must have to fill their psychological emptiness with constant narcissistic supplies of praise, adulation and respect.
Most important—Don’t blame yourself for being fooled by a concealed narcissist. This happens to the most experienced clinical experts.
Practice self care each day. Putting yourself first is not selfish; it is essential. It is possible that if you have been raised by narcissists you may not understand that you are entitled to lead your life with deep inner peace, to have loving and caring relationships that are authentic and to claim and manifest the full use of your many creative gifts.
Self care takes many forms. Get the sleep to which you are entitled; exercise your way; pay very close attention to and act upon your intuitive insights; make friendships only with those who are worthy of your trust; discover a way for you to quiet the body/mind through meditation, prayer or some other form of slowing the thinking process, write spontaneously each day even if this is a few sentences. This stokes the creative process.
Be kind to yourself at all times.
No truer words spoken than how the narcissists manage to embed themselves like cockroaches in “the church.” Oh, boy, what a perfect haven for the child abuser, the crook, the hypocrite, the liar, the slimy bon vivant who hides behind his impeccable image as the pious elder amongst the scribes. Little do they realize they are wiping the feet of Satan. How convincing the narcissists are, and how stupid humanity is not to realize how duped they are by the likes of these cockroaches. Nothing could be more blasphemous than their hiding behind the apron strings of the church, but the narcissist is way too insane to begin to fathom his disgusting actions. As long as his ego is stroked every waking second of his life he is able to keep breathing and functioning. As long as he is surrounding himself with people who are blind to his deception, he seems happy. Truth be told, as Kierkegaard points out, “the only one the deceiver deceives is himself” and underneath all of the bravado, his self-loathing is more than he can bear which is why he can not stand being by and with himself alone. For that we must have pity on him and hope for his mercy.
Just this afternoon I was thinking about the act my father put on while my mother was dying, exactly as Linda describes of those who “pretend” they are trying to save the marriage. Little by little, after she died, I was able to piece together all the things she told me over the years, especially about the woman he had been having an affair with for many years unbeknownst to me and my sister (though I suspected it from what my mother was telling me) who just so happened to be the ‘CHURCH SECRETARY.’ How well he was able to dupe the entire family and community all these years, and now, he gets his just desserts. His CHURCH SECRETARY is borderline (her own daughter tried committing suicide four times) and is taking him to the cleaners. The narcissist loves nothing better than to surround himself with someone, especially a woman (even though she is STILL married and lied to him about that) with some sort of title. Ironically, I’m not so sure a narcissist is any match for a borderline, who will pull any rabbit out of her hat that she can to keep the narcissist in her web (especially when money is involved) — she knows how to seduce and manipulate and when the going gets tough she has an artillery of hateful smears that she’s kept account of that she will use at any cost to control him. So there he is, frittering away all he worked for, all my mother worked for (and the money she inherited from her family), only to appease one of the most corrupt, dishonest, despicable of women ever to grace this planet — his church secretary. But oh how sweet she knows how to be, and like him, how capable of fooling them all — so holy they are. These are the lukewarm Christians who will exploit even religion to advance their perverted agendas. The hypocrites who call themselves Christians while ridiculing foreigners.
Nothing has been more of a blessing than to have gone No-Contact over the past few years. With each passing day, though I am aware that my father still walks the face of the earth, I follow the teaching of Jesus Christ when he says, “let the dead bury their dead, come with me.” For those of us who are climbing our way out from underneath the cold, oppressive boulder the narcissist rolled over us, some of us find tremendous comfort in the teachings of Jesus Christ, who took no sh1t from anybody, and who we are able to turn to, as “little children” for rest. Always there, and never fails. Never. Not always easy to trust or believe there is actually this kind of peace and comfort while we are still shaking ourselves out from the storm, but it gets easier with each passing trial and tribulation, and there is no greater relief than to find Jesus in that storm who calms the sea, urges to trust that by leaving the abuser behind and following him, we are doing what we are supposed to be doing! “Let the dead bury their dead.”
Here I share a muse on the deadbeat narcissists whether they be our father, husband, ex-, lover, whatever-you-call-him. There is one word in the vernacular that fits: AS_HOLE.
“FOR A MAN IS KNOWN BY HIS CHILDREN.”
It is certain that a child’s good or evil conduct in life depends on his being brought up well or ill. Nature itself teaches every parent to attend to the education of his offspring. He who has given them being ought to endeavor to make life useful to them. God gives children to parents, not that they may assist the family, but that they may be brought up in the fear and love of God, and be directed in the way of eternal salvation. “We have,” says St. John Chrysostom, “a great deposit in children; let us attend to them with great care.” Children have not been given to parents as a gift which they may dispose of as they please, but as a trust, for which, if lost through their negligence, they must render an account to God. The Scripture tells us that when a father observes the Divine law, both he and his children shall prosper. That it may be well with thee and thy children after thee, when thou shalt do that which is pleasing in the sight of God (Deut. xii. 25). The good or bad conduct of a parent may be known from the kind of life his children lead. For by the fruit the tree is known (Matt. xii. 33). A father who leaves a family, when he departs this life, is as if he had not died; because his children remain, and exhibit his habits and character. His father is dead, and he is as if he were not dead; for he hath left one behind him that is like himself (Ecclus. xxx. 4). When we find a son addicted to blasphemies, to obscenities, and to theft, we have reason to suspect that such, too, was the character of the father. For a man is known by his children (Ecclus. xi. 30).
Hence Origen says that on the Day of Judgment parents shall have to render an account for all the sins of their children. Hence, he who teaches his son to live well, shall die a happy and tranquil death. He that teacheth his son … when he died he was not sorrowful, neither was he confounded before his enemies (Ecclus. xxx. 3-5). And he shall save his soul by means of his children; that is, by the virtuous education he has given them. She shall be saved through child-bearing (1 Tim. ii. 15). But, on the other hand, a very uneasy and unhappy death shall be the lot of those who have laboured only to increase the possessions, or to multiply the honours of their family; or who have sought only to lead a life of ease and pleasure, but have not watched over the morals of their children. St. Paul says that such parents are worse than infidels. But if any man have not care of his own, and especially of those of his house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim. v. 8). Were fathers or mothers to lead a life of piety and continual prayer, and to communicate every day, they would be damned if they neglected the care of their children. Would to God that certain parents paid as much attention to their children as they do to their horses! How careful are they to see that their horses are fed and well trained! And they take no pains to make their children attend to Catechism, hear Mass, or go to Confession. “We take more care,” says St. John Chrysostom, “of mules and horses than of the children.”
If all fathers fulfilled their duty of watching after the education of their children, we should have but few crimes and few death penalties. By the bad education parents give to their offspring, they cause their children, says St. John Chrysostom, to rush into many grievous vices; and thus they deliver them up to the hands of the executioner. Hence, in Lacedemon, a parent, as being the cause of all the irregularities of his children, was justly punished for their crimes with greater severity than the children themselves. Great, indeed, is the misfortune of the child whose parents are vicious and incapable of bringing up their children in the fear of God, and who, when they see their children engaged in dangerous friendships and in quarrels, instead of correcting and chastising them, rather take compassion on them and say: “What can be done? They are young and must take their course.” Oh what wicked maxims! What a cruel education! Do you hope that when your children grow up they will become holy? Listen to what Solomon says: A young man, according to his way. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it (Prov. xxii. 6). A young man who has contracted a habit of sin will not abandon it even in his old age. His bones, says Job, shall be filled with the vices of his youth, and they shall sleep with him in the dust (Job xx. 11). When a young person has lived in evil habits, his bones shall be filled with the vices of his youth, so that he will carry them with him to death; and the impurities, blasphemies and hatred to which he was accustomed in his youth will accompany him to the grave, and sleep with him after his bones shall be reduced to dust and ashes. It is very easy, when they are young, to train up children to habits of virtue; but, when they have come to manhood, it is just as difficult to correct them, if they have learned habits of vice.
Author unknown (religiousbookshelf.com)
And that is why so many have left the Church. There is hardly anything left that resembles Christ.
Always enlightening to read your articles LM. Your perspective is so spot-on.
You’re so right, Margaret, about why so many have left the Church. And that is why what is left of the “Church” has become subject to a fascist state turned into a dog and pony show that has little or nothing to do with the teachings of Christ.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson says, “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.” From his essay titled “Self Reliance.” On the other hand, all is Christ when we turn our eyes only toward the absolute truth and what is enduring. Truth is the only place we can turn to, because it is the truth — Christ — that sets us free.
Oddly, revisiting the truth about the pain narcissists cause is like picking the scab off a wound that is healing. Or maybe better to think of it as that which finally causes that scab to fall off.
When I revisit all of the emotions surrounding the narcissist father, I am left with one word: Disgust.
Most important—Don’t blame myself for being fooled. My spouse is the most “holy” and “righteous” Christian in the religious community.
Thank you for writing and posting this article.
I’m out, getting sane and clear again, and taking best care of myself in many of the ways you suggest.
Let’s not forget, we – the children of these vicious narcissists, whether we be golden children or scapegoats – have all taken YEARS to realize what devious monsters they are; even though we’ve LIVED with them for DECADES! So we can’t fault the others who never see the narc behind closed doors for not seeing them as they truly are. It has taken me five decades to finally go NC with my FOO, and I’m finally enjoying my life now. I don’t care what other people think or say about what I’ve done – I know the truth, and that’s all that matters. This is MY life and I’m gonna live it MY way!
Great article- and yes learning self care and being strong enough to go no contact and stay no contact is so important yet the hardest thing I have done and am trying to continue doing. I feel affirmed again to continue. Thanks for that. Its such a mixed bag of complex feelings… its very confusing. I just know Im doing better away and its better for my hubby and kids. Narcissist moms have SO much power… im just sad it wasnt used for good. I wish things hadbeen different. Its helping me to find joy by singing ina choir. Helping me find my voice.
This is what I have been searching for, the words I needed to hear exactly as they have been expressed here. I never knew what the affliction was. I just knew that death of one of us seemed the only way to be relieved from the dynamic which kept me upside down and totally judged for being upside down. Thank you!! New to blogging, I don’t understand how to follow. But I will be here, right along side all of you as we journey out of hell together.
Thank you SAF. My family is in recovery from post narc abuse and I was wondering if I could contact you. Peace and God’s blessings! KG
Margaret, SAF and others who are enlightened to this, we have children and would truly like to form healthy agape acquaintances for starters following 2 sides of the familys narc abuse. would like to be in contact via email if that is OK. Please write to us if you are in same boat, etc. thanks in advance [email protected]
Maggie I see you wrote this as recently as November …
I am reaching out here too. Its the first time climbing out from under the rock of this and newfound enlightenment!! We are a small family, as one half of a newly saved couple both of us have discovered our lives were manipulated by deeply malignant narc- parent (each of us with one both our sides) then enduring the betrayal of hurt by addditonal siblings etc network of flying monkeys who defends the abuse :/ sand are deeply alone in this process. perhaps the most affected and they do not even realize yet are the children. However we are at least keeping them safe from malignant narc “NPD” sociopathic grandparents. Honest Christian ‘agape’ communication, healthy interaction is something we are ready for after a handful of years of research and working the low- no contact method of disengaging. Hope everyone weathered the recent holidays. Kindly requesting contact by those in the same situation and journey of healing. [email protected]