Children of Narcissistic Mothers–Push the No Contact Button–Restart Your Lives

Those who have grown up with a narcissistic mother have endured  the emotional and psychological pain of narcissistic abuse and neglect. The narcissistic parent may have provided the essentials for you to survive, even given you material advantages. But there were empty pockets devoid of love, affection, respect, or genuine attention. These were absent from your life.

You may have been the golden child, the one chosen to be groomed to reflect the perfection and delusional expectations of the narcissistic parent. You may have been the child that was emotionally discarded and neglected. You always had that feeling that mom wanted you to disappear and never come back. You were a burden to her because you were a child. How dreadful is that! Or you may have been the invisible child who lived under the radar in your own home. Narcissistic mom went about her business of being the only person on the face of the earth who had any value; you didn’t exist. You learned how to survive on your own early. In some instances siblings take pity on you and throw you a crumb or two. In many homes it is everyone for themselves–constant survival mode. In others some siblings bond together in order to deal with narcissistic mother’s unexpected onslaughts and incoming fire.


Even in adulthood the narcissistic mother will not stop interrupting your life in her devious and obstructive ways. She riddles you with guilt when you don’t call her. She criticizes your choice of marital partners, she wonders why you don’t have children, she doesn’t approve of your friends, etc., etc., etc.

Narcissistic mothers are clever at manipulating their adult children. They use guilt, threats of being removed from the family business or family trust, being shunned by the other family members if you don’t stay in line. She has endless arrows in her quiver and knows just where to plant them.

For many adult children of narcissistic mothers a time comes when they can no longer take the abuse. It is gone one too long, taken too much from their lives, caused perpetual undeserved suffering. This is your call to make. The narcissistic mother is not going to change. She may have the rest of the family convinced that she is a wonderful, even loving human being. (These people have never seen her style of low down guerrilla tactics behind closed doors.) You are the witness; the one that knows the truth. Even other siblings who grew up in the same home with you continue to make excuses for her corrosive, damaging outrageous behaviors.

Recognize that you are entitled to lead a life that is free of this abuse. You deserve inner peace, a sense of freedom within yourself and in your relationships. You have many creative gifts and dreams you want to fulfill. Some adult children of narcissistic mothers decide that they will no longer be exploited by their narcissistic non-mother. They are reclaiming their lives. You can start by initiating a No Contact policy with the narcissistic mother. Your concern is not what other relatives or your mother think or feel about this or how they are reacting. Remember this life belongs to you. Take the reins in your hands, listen to the messages of your heart that are telling you this is your time to restart your life. Some individuals find that excellent psychotherapy helps them through this transition. If you go this route, make sure that you interview several therapists and that they are clinically trained and very empathic, have no money motive and, of course, are not narcissistic personalities. And always—take very good care of yourself.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

59 thoughts on “Children of Narcissistic Mothers–Push the No Contact Button–Restart Your Lives”

  1. From: Carter
    I have been in no contact since August 2013 the part that had been so shocking for me is just how physically exhausted I was. I am 50 and I do not think that I would have lasted much longer physically with contact with my Mother, her sorry husband, or my siblings. I was literally in a fight for survival, both mentally and physically. I have been sleeping A LOT. I have experiences joy and laughter. I have experienced peace and contentment. I also have experienced major anger and resentment for the mental and physical torture that I endured. I am in the sad and tearful phase; grieving for the child that no-one in my family knew or cared for. I was a good kid, and as an adult, I am thoughtful, hardworking, very generous and wise beyond my years. Every single bit of no contact has been worth it. My older sister did contact me once, through Facebook to tell me how screwed up I was, I was bi-polar yada, yada, yada. Please understand that this is coming from a woman who has been married 7 times and has been in and out of recovery for drugs and alcohol. I engaged and regretted it. She read and absorbed nothing that I wrote, which is exactly how I was treated most of life. I did not exist. When I did, I was weird, introverted, yada, yada. The only time I existed for any of them was if I could do something that they would benefit from. I am the scapegoat. I am what’s wrong with the family and the conductor of it all is my very sick Mother. I had to block all numbers from my phone and emails as well, to really start to heal and figure things out. It almost feels like I survived a being part of a cult.

    When I first went to no contact, I became homeless, because I was staying with my Mother after a job loss. I would sit straight up in the bed at 3AM and could not be able to breath thinking “I was ALONE”! I HAD NO ONE, the funny part that I came to understand is I was always alone, except for my Grandparents who I requested that I live with at age 13. That phone call to my Grandparents saved my life. You see this dialogue of not being able to survive without you sick family, is part of the codependence and sickness of the narcissist relationships. Narcissists do not like confidence, empowerment, and independence, all of the attributes a NORMAL parent or sibling would hope for relative. If you are healthy, you see just how sick they are and when you see how sick they are, I would bet all my money you run like hell. They will not change and never will be who you need them to be, you have to learn to provide the care, love affection and appreciation for yourself. As you begin to do that, you’re like will continue to change in the most unimaginable ways. I write on my mirror in lip stick everyday something I like about myself. I have a new job, and am moving to Louisiana, I am happy relaxed and hopeful for my future. I am incredibly strong, wise and resilient, because I have survived a harrowing ordeal and lived to talk about. I did not self-medicate, I do not drink or smoke and never have, I did not lose my mind. I did not give up and I did not harm myself. I am a bit of an overachiever, because I now realize I used achievements to be recognized in some way from my Mother and others, which I will continue to work on. My Mother would love to brag about my achievements, but never to me, only to others so she could look like a big shot, but she has never seen me and she never will. I see me though a little more every day, and I am pretty extraordinary. The more you learn to love yourself the further you will gravitate away from unhealthy relationships. Linda and this website has helped me in more ways that I could count. No contact is the greatest gift, I ever gave myself. If my family contacts me again, I will not engage, not one word. It hurts me more than any of them. Arguing, name calling, negativity, and making someone feel less than who they are is oxygen to the narcissist.

  2. Comment:
    To Carter : From Tom
    Many of the things you wrote are EXACTLY what I went through with my mother and siblings. It is if you were writing my OWN experiences !
    You are to be commended for starting no contact. I have had no contact since 2004 and have no desire to ever have contact again. I still deal with feelings of resentment from the insults, put-downs, etc. and ruminate over some events that happened. I am working on forgiveness, for my own sake, but it is hard. I still have days when I really want some revenge to balance the scales and maybe feel empowered. I feel like she and my narcissistic brother are very satisfied with themselves with the things they did. But who knows ? Since I have had no contact for many years, maybe Karma has caught up with them…
    Just wanted to let you know that you have somebody who has gone through very similar experiences. This blog by Linda Martinez-Lewi is really a huge help. Thanks Dr. Martinez-Lewi !

  3. Comment:From Noreen
    I was the invisible child. The problem I run into is not detaching from my mom but all the people, including relatives, that are unaware of the hell I raised in.

  4. Comment:From Emerging Princess
    This article resonated to me. The part where “She riddles you with guilt when you don’t call her”…. is my momster to a tea. Thanks for such an uplifting and great article. I have gone no contact with N. I needed this reminder today as to why I need to stay away.

  5. Comment:From Miki
    I adore this book and the email excerpts that Dr. Martinez-Lewi sends. I have been in therapy for years for low self-esteem and an adult life ridden with havoc, never realizing that I wasn’t the source. I’ve truly been ‘surviving’. My mother is the ultimate narcisisst. I always thought something was wrong with me, in spite of other family members, friends, etc, telling me I was a very intelligent, attractive and loving person. My mother had never complimented me on anything in my life, nor has she ever admitted to her doing any wrong whatsoever.

    In the past few years since my divorce, I’d planned to relocate myself and my 11 year old son to another city, an attempt to stop all contact between my mother and myself, which is nothing but damaging and toxic. Toward the end of the relocation, my mother sued me for custody of my son and, not being able to afford an attorney, I lost him temporarily until the case goes to a final hearing. My mother got on the stand at the temporary hearing and told the most horrific lies about me, making me seem extremely unstable and an unfit mother. I’ve never had anyone say anything to me except what a great mother I am. My son and I have a wonderful relationship. He is a straight A student, affectionate and emotionally available, and has never been neglected or endangered by me.

    I’m in the process of getting my child back and everyone in the family is on my side except for my father, who I truly believe is afraid of my mother.

    When this is all over I know I will never have any contact with my mother ever again. I hope nobody else has to deal with something as toxic as the treatment inflicted on me by my very sick mother.

    I feel sorry for my father, and my son calls me daily crying that he misses me and when can he come home. It’s a horrifying situation, of which I cannot wait to see a positive and healthy resolution.

  6. Comment: From J. Thompson
    My wife and son and I left our family town, businesses, etc. 30 years ago after suffering parental and sibling abuse for way too long. The biggest mistake we made was allowing them to remain in contact with us and especially having an influence on our child. Over the years we remained “civil” but the threat of being left out of the family will was always held over our heads. Well, to no one’s surprise it happend this year when my Dad passed away. For some reason my Mom would not show us his will until six months after his death and even then it came from her attorney. I had been completely removed with one paragraph that said it was due to something that only he and I knew. I was completely shocked, naturally, because my Dad and I had a great relationship over the years. He was even my best man at my wedding 38 years ago. My Mother and I have not spoken since his memorial service several months ago. She’s upset at me because I demanded she have a service for him and would not allow her to throw his ashes out into their pasture. She and my sister are completely sick individuals. I know what evil is because I grew up with it and suffered the consequences when I didn’t go along with her “secrets”. It’s sad that children can be abused in this way because emotional abuse never goes away and I don’t care how much therapy you’re given the scars are still there.

  7. Comment: From Carter
    Noreen you owe them no explanation, this is your life and your life experiences. If you chose yo share and they are no supportive, find comfort else where.

  8. Comment:From Carter
    Thank you for your kind words Tom. It is nice to be in touch with people that relate to my story.Let keep living the truth and learning to love ourselves and our gifts/

  9. Comment:From Celina
    Dear linda, thank you for such a well written post, which gives us recovering so much hope in our lives. Just knowing that others are going through the same thing! Please keep writing, I cant wait to read your next post. Thanks, celina..

  10. Comment: From Claire
    I actually lost my child to my parents. I wasn’t an alcoholic, or drugger or anything like that but they took my child because they could. I tried staying in contact because of my child but now my child is older and although we have had a good relationship once they were an adult, my parents are still a wedge. Fight with everything you have to get your child back.

  11. Comment:From Claire
    Happy to have found this site. It has taken me years to understand what the problem was. I always thought I was the problem. I will share one very telling incident. “It was two weeks before Christmas and my parents asked me and my fiance out to dinner. That was unusual. We had dinner together and they drove us back to the parking lot where we had met them. My Dad popped the trunk and he and my Mom handed us two wrapped Christmas gifts and explained that they weren’t doing Christmas this year. The truth was that they were doing Christmas but they were doing it with my siblings and not me. Another telling thing was when I talked with my therapist about my parents she stopped me and asked me why I was whispering. Now I know I had given them God-like powers and thought that they could hear anything bad I said about them. I’ve had periods of no contact with them. This last time I haven’t seen them in a year. Now one of my parents is in the hospital and has had surgery. I live two miles from a sibling and yet I wasn’t told by anyone until a day later. I hope I’m a good person – I believe I am – but I can’t make myself to visit them. I can’t do it. I struggle with guilt – feeling like I’m a lousy person for not going but yet I know what they’ve done to me over the years. The “golden” children of the family (there seems to be one chosen from each generation – my parents are old) don’t understand why i don’t come. They’re doing very well because of my parent’s selective generosity. I had to finally conclude that they don’t and can’t understand the difference in our treatment. Anyway, it felt good to find this site and to realize that there has been a problem all these years and now at least I can name it and know I’m not alone. Thank you.

  12. Comment:From Free Floating
    I, too, established No Contact with Narcissistic Mother & 3 Siblings….all of whom were the perpetrators of horrors toward me. My decision was long before the book and came at 30. I decided to testify against the eldest Narcissistic Abusive Sibling for the crimes committed against me and other children. My family refused to discuss, relate or otherwise support my decision to testify. They all threatened me in individual ways. But the Abuser got 3 life sentences. Up to that point I was controlled by the Mother Guilt, The Successful Sibling and the Martyr Sibling. Living in constant fear, in flight or fight, moving over 50 times by the time I was 38. My self imposed No Contact was a self imposed prison until I read this book. Learning from this wonderful guide has given me the freedom to enjoy life, I find this book one week after the death of My Narcissistic Abusive Mother. One in prison. One in death. 2 abusive siblings still here. I am learning I do not need/have to hide anymore, I can own my life and live freely without self imposed limitations. I feel for the first time to own my sexual self, creative being and realize the beautiful possibilities for a healthy relationships. I am thrilled to have a template to piece together some peace, at 50.

  13. Comment:From Angela
    I wish you get your son back as soon as possible. Your mothers behaviour is unbelievable. I think she is out of control because she envies your relationship with your son. NC is a must.Good luck!

  14. Comment:From Mel
    Thank you. It’s taken me 41 years to recognise I’m the scapegoat of the mother narcissist and the alcoholic bully father. I’m still being played by my mother and and golden child sister. Bullies and narcissists seem to co exist exeptionally well together and I have no tolerance for either, yet I seem to be trapped in this circle of ending up with them as friends, co workers or partners.

  15. Comment: From Belinda
    I loved reading this, Carter. It made me so happy for you and gave me hope for myself. Much love to you x

  16. Comment:From Claire
    This website has saved me during this holiday. I was the scapegoat child of a Narcissistic Mother. I’ve always known something was wrong and progressed from believing it was me (what power I thought I had) to thinking it might not be me until finally after I had gotten out of the situation realized the problem. As of this date I haven’t had any contact with her or her henchmen in over a year. I’ve felt so free during this time. Two weeks ago she fell and broke her hip; I was told much later and have struggled with should I go to see her or not. She is an ignoring parent when it comes to me so I doubt they’re sitting there praying for me to come. Probably praying that I don’t. Every situation is different but when someone is toxic, the no contact for me was the choice. I wouldn’t sit next to a radioactive dump; I consider being around her and some of the golden children to be the same. Thanks for the messages. I continue to read these for strength. There is one thing that I understand, my other siblings don’t have the same reality or perception of her that I do. That’s ok. It’s enough that I can see clearly.

  17. Comment:From Emily
    First of all, you say that you feel that “something is wrong with you”. I completely relate and understand how you feel. I struggle constantly with this myself. I hope you can hear that the thing that is wrong is `what is wrong with your mother`.
    My NPM kidnapped my son at the age of two, and has been trying for full custody for the past ten years now. I don’t expect this to stop until he turns 18 (and quite frankly expect her to pursue/attack him from then on.)
    I have also watched my “mom” tell horrific lies and stories of how awful I am,
    and how neglected and abused my son is (none of this is true, as I am a loving, non-NPD Mother. We shower our little angel with love). It really hurts to hear your own mom speak of you in this manner, despite your understanding of her “make up”, I know. Try to “frame” her words, and remember to not give her what she wants (to cause you pain and insecurity).
    You are already incredibly strong ( know this because I know what you have endured). I wish only the best for you and your loved ones.: )

  18. Comment:From Kirsten
    I’m noticing a common theme here…The MM trying to steal grandchildren. Mine used child protective services. After I was forced to undergo 11 psych evals the government finally figured out she was a master manipulator and liar. I consider myself lucky to have escaped alive and with my children. I had to get a restraining order…during the trial my mother told the judge I had multiple personalities….he wasn’t amused. My order was granted after catching her in numerous lies. I have moved to a new state and the order is expiring soon…I’m terrified…I know when a false report is made to police or cps I have been found. I have no contact with any of my family or old friends because I just can’t trust anyone who knows her. So why do they try to steal their grand children? I’m guessing for control. If you are in this situation its a fight of for your life…and your children’s. In my case with all the allegations against me it ended up helping that cps was involved. They took my children and gave them to my mother until I proved I was innocent. It took three months. Cps testified at the order of protection trial against her. Don’t give up. Fight. Then get out of there. I’m convinced if I would have stayed I would probably be dead today because I publicly exposed her for who she is.

  19. Comment:From Jerome
    I developed seizures due to my Narcisstic Mother and the Golden Child, taking control of my life.

    My seizures are under control (6 years free).

    I have been criticized and accused of many things. I told my NM, I’m leaving at the end of the year. 41 and exhausted with the unethical lies and blaming and shaming..

  20. Comment: From B
    In most states all you need to do is file for an extension of existing order of protection BEFORE it expires. Call courthouse where order was granted and ask their procedure… my county has forms online. You can always call local domestic violence agency for information. Letting bullying assholes know ENOUGH is ENOUGH is our job.

  21. Not many things move me emotionally any more. As it’s a part of me that died or at least ran away as a coping mechanism in my childhood. But this just really makes my eyes water. I very recently reached that point where I could no longer take the pain and I’ve been battleing with myself ever since. I keep saying “Oh Jessica you’re stronger than this.” Or “You dealt with it for many years mom can’t have that many left so I can suck it up a while longer.” And a bunch of other ridiculous things just to basically justify my narcissistic mothers actions and invalidate my own beliefs that what she has done and is doing is wrong. Just as all of us here were trained to do. Knowing that there are people out there just like me helps more than I ever thought imaginable. Knowing that it’s okay to shut that door and that it’s not my fault that I was born. These things help so much with the healing process. I just want to say thank you for posting this. Thank you for taking the time out of your life to reach out to others like me and letting us know it does get better.

  22. My mum stole my son about a year ago now.
    In three years I will take it to court to try and get him back, he is only
    4 years old poor little man.
    I was the ignored child, my half sister, well the sun shines out her ass.
    Everything she does is amazing and I am just a piece of crap, even though
    I have travelled the world and even dated an A list celebrity when I was
    in Hollywood! – (Thats the lengths I went to as a young adult to try and
    get approval/admiration from her but no)

  23. I send all on this blog strength wisdom and love we started of in life with no choices and as adults we reflect on our lives and YES we got ripped of but now live that life your given ….when your feeling like its so unjust could be worse! Your free! And there are people who have missing jigsaw peace and you can’t negotiate you can’t explain you can’t expect love ( unless they learnt a line from a movie to spin you ) they are broken! And yes you brunt the worst of it ….when you fell anxious take time to be proud of you……when your sad don’t be for long because you have a full life ahead of you but you feel what you fell because your not a NARC…..learn to love others and yourself …you now have plenty of red flags to worn you to avoid situations. Never ever question a Narc let them push your buttons avoid trying to tell them anything you will regret it they can’t hear you they will not hear you …pity them they are not whole and will live in misery and run away as they are after your energy…love hope joy life is great live it!!!

  24. Carter:
    I seldom read comments on blog posts because they are usually b.s. and annoy more than assist.
    Furthermore, I never interact with forum users.
    But today, I happened to read your comment and after many months, I broke down into tears.
    I have suffered not only childhood abuse from both ‘parents’ and sibling but also from several intimate relationships.
    I had to move to a different country to free myself physically of the abuse but I only established full no contact with my ‘sister’ and ‘father’ in 2013 and my ‘mother’ just 2 months ago.
    I have been disinherited from a rather large trust fund but all the money in the world would not be worth going back to the prison from which I escaped.

  25. it’s refreshing to read this, albeit heartbreaking. My NPD mother cooperated with my sexual abuse by my brother, and helped create a “deal” with a social worker, to keep it from being reported. I grew up in a role-reversal, caring for her, while being my brother’s punching- and cum-bag. I escaped and grew a life of my own. When I split from my ex-husband, she took him in and helped him through our divorce. I remarried and had children, still trying to please this woman. When my son turned 3 (we had moved across the country at this point), my NPD mother came to visit. She stressed us all out with her wacky behavior. I grew hives. My poor son went in his room and tore his toenail off, because he “felt sad.” The momster dropped my newborn on the floor and blamed me for having “slippery floors,” even though she was sitting at the time. She is addicted to pills. It was crazy all the time with her. She ended up locking herself in a bedroom for 3 days, until her flight left. She had hoarded food in her room, to make it work, only sneaking out at night to use the restroom. It was crazy. That was the last time. I wrote her a NC letter, only focusing on current behavior, not even any of the old stuff. She shopped it all around town for sympathy. My abuser just got married to a woman with kids, and no one in that family will speak up. I lost my entire extended family, when I went NC, and spoke out against my brother. They are all her flying monkeys now. Funny, I always feared she would try to take my children, too. I think she lost her chances, getting herself on mental disability, tho. She went on the dole because she was tired of working. I’m glad she is so far away and we have NC!

  26. At the age of 42 I have finally started the process of freeing myself from my NM .. my biggest struggle as a child was confusion as to why I was so invisible to her. It has only been since starting therapy a few weeks back that it all finally has a name. I always thought it was me. In all my life I only plucked up the courage to take my feelings to her twice, and was left damaged both times. I was told that I was imagining things and she demanded examples of her neglect. Each time I was left feeling worthless and that I was maybe just too sensitive (this was her favourite saying to me). After I lost my husband to an accident I realised that she didn’t acknowledge my loss or pain, she told me a few months later that she thought I would be over it. I no longer trust her with myself, she is a cruel person with no ability or desire to change and that is really sad for her. I see her in a very different light now. It is no longer my fault.

  27. How do I get away when she has literally cause me to lose everything. I have no real place to call home, bouncing between her home, where my children are for “stability” and the place my BOYFRIEND is staying. I’m terrified every day that today will be the day she brings me to the point if taking that bottle of pills. Of leaving my innocent daughters to live the way I do, to feel the way I feel day in and day out. She has done everything to DESTROY my life and make everyone think it’s my doing. Her evil is literally killing me. We have money to pay our bills and survive but can’t find a home we can afford to bring our kids back into our lives where they need to be 100 %. How do I do this with nothing to go on without hurting my children’s stability even more. ? Please help us, I fear there isn’t much time left to do what must be done for my own family.

  28. There is always hope – no matter how far down things have gone, there is always hope. The strategy of people like your Mother is to wear you down. For the sake of your girls you can’t let that happen. If getting your girls back is the most important thing in your life, aim toward that. Don’t worry one bit about your Mother – don’t waste your energy because she will be what she will be. Instead take care of yourself, join a support group and everyday do something that will help you get more stable. she wants to keep you in emotional turmoil because it makes you look crazy. Don’t fall for it. As I heard in the program, “the point of power is always in the present.” Do whatever you can today to get more stable for your children and for yourself. The other thing is prayer. God hears the cry from the heart. Don’t leave that valuable energy source untapped. I wish you the best because years ago I lost my daughter to my N Mother. That hurt never, ever goes away. If I had been stronger then and asked for help, I believe I could have changed that. Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what is yours and make damned sure you are stable and responsible. I guess reading your plight hit my “hot” button. It can all be boiled down to this. “Don’t give up.”

  29. This site has helped me immensely. As Mother’s Day approaches, part of me feels guilty but most of me feels relief. My mother is a monster. She’s a sociopath, pathological liar, narcissist, and abusive — emotionally, verbally, and for the first 14 years of my life physically. She’s been married 3 times and is now in her 80s. She grew up wanting nothing and inherited over $1M, part of which was supposed to go to my brother and me, but she squandered it all on herself. She blames her parents, her husbands, and mostly me for the choices she has made. Mom begs her friends for money and owes them thousands of dollars, which she gambles away instead of paying her bills. Her retirement income easily covers her bills but she prefers to pop pills and gamble. I’ve confronted her in the past about how she’s damaged me and her response was, “You’ve hurt my feelings.” When I remind her that her own grandmother told her to her face repeatedly that she was a terrible liar, she swore it never happened. When I was 7 she beat me all over my body with a board because I cried at the dentist’s office and embarrassed her. She sold my piano given to me by her parents and spent the money on herself. When her mother told Mom the piano belonged to me, Mom said it was in her house and she could do what she wanted. Mom gave away all my toys when I was 9 because she said I didn’t need them. She took my books, family pictures, and more to give away to people she wanted to impress. When my dog grew old but wasn’t ill, she waited until I was at camp and had her put to sleep — I never got to say goodbye to my best friend. I’m now 60 and the abuse never ends. Mom told my brother that I can’t be trusted but she failed to consider the fact that he and I are close. He knows she’s a liar and spendthrift but he didn’t know she was a thief until her part-time employer had the books audited. Then she took 3 sleeping pills and conned him into thinking she tried to kill herself. She didn’t — it was typical of her manipulations. When her friends ask for their money back, she develops some disease or fakes a heart attack to end up in the hospital. Her doctors have said there’s nothing physically wrong with her. As several of her friends have told me her stories never match up. She goes on the Internet and fakes the symptoms. Mom thinks she’s the smartest person on this planet and has everyone fooled. I’ve told her many times in the past that she only fools herself. Frequently, I’ve told her not to give out my home number and address, but she does it anyway. She says she can do what she wants with my information and even signed me up for online services, then she blamed a former high school classmate saying he used her computer, her password, and her account to sign me up for those things. Considering, he and I haven’t seen each other for years, he’s still a decent guy who was aghast that she lied like that. I wasn’t surprised. She constantly plays one person against another. She told my brother that everything I’ve told him is a pack of lies and she tells all her friends that my brother is faking his real life debilitating illness — he’s not. Plus, she’s always hated my brother’s wife but acts nice to her face. Last year she even blamed my late stepfather for taking out a mortgage and over-encumbering her house back in 2004. Neat trick considering he died in 1999. One time I checked my credit reports and found a credit card I didn’t recognize. It had been paid off but turns out she put me down as a co-signer and forged my name. Unfortunately, I found it out after the statute of limitations had run and my attorney said that she hadn’t affected my credit. In 2013, I told her I had enough and wanted nothing to do with her. Her daily phone calls to whine about herself and gossip about her friends turned into calls every few minutes trying to hoover me back in. She succeeded only because I was worn out dealing with her and a sick husband at the same time. My husband can’t stand her because he deals with pathological liars, narcissists, and sociopaths all the time. He’s told my aunt to quit putting money into Mom’s account and let her checks bounce. Maybe a few days in jail would shake her up but as usual my mother’s friends and my aunt feel sorry for her. They enable her behavior because they don’t believe me. They think she’s the nicest person. The ones who figured it out no longer have anything to do with her. She holds grudges and gets even with people who betray her, too. For example, one girl in my mother’s neighborhood had the nerve to be born on Mom’s 11th birthday. Mom made it her mission in life to do as much damage to that lady as possible, including calling the health department anonymously to file false reports trying to get the lady’s grocery store closed down. The inspectors found it to be a false report and they threatened Mom with prosecution if she did it again. But she continues to play games to this day to hurt this lady. I’ve been keeping diaries for years because I honestly thought I had lost my mind. One time she’d say one thing then the next day it was 180 degrees different. Two months ago after her fake suicide attempt, I told my aunt I was done. No contact. I explained to her and my brother why. My brother and his wife had no problem with it but my aunt doesn’t want to believe that Mom would cheat her or con her, but she has and always had. My husband told her it wasn’t that my aunt’s instincts were off; he told her she just hadn’t dealt with many sociopaths. Sadly, my aunt will never see it. Mom tells her that we hate her. That wasn’t true until recently but now even my brother says no way is she coming to live with him. She’s tried to force her way into living in my house but my husband said no way. She’s a monster. When she dies, I won’t shed a tear. I’m too tired and worn out from dealing with her all these years. I have nothing left emotionally. There are days I’ve considering killing myself just to get away from her but then she’d win. So, now I live to spite her by my very existence. The brainwashing she did for years is deeply ingrained and many days I feel worthless just like she said I was, but then I stop and read blogs like this which give me the courage to speak out and fight against the damage she’s done to me. I’ve grown to hate Mother’s Day. It’s a sick joke played on us abused children/now adults of monsters like my mother. This will be the first one where I don’t send her a card with a gift and my brother never does. She’s right — her children hate her and with good reason. One day that hate will turn to indifference which will be a good day, a day of freedom from that monster or as some other call them, “Momsters.” Thank you for listening. Take care.

  30. Everything here says it all. I have the same always right never wrong Narcissistic mother only in my case i would rather call her “the woman who gave birth to me” rather than simply calling her my mother. For me, she doesn’t deserve the title. It is me against my whole family now because of her. The abuse became so unendureable that i am now considering legal aspects to disattach from her legaly as if she were never related to me. She is what everybody here calls “A Monster”. At first, i can’t believe that a healthy thinking mother would abuse her child unless she is not quite right up there in the head. I’ve seen evil through her eyes as early as toddlerhood and her specialty is shaming her own child so that people would fear her. My life is a whole biography full of abuse. The sad part is that when you’re in an abusive home long enough it will destroy you if you allow it then the cycle of abuse will continue. I have decided that when i have a family she would never see the daylights out of my children. They would never know her, nor see her nor hear anything about her. This is not about me anymore this would be all about my would to be children and i would probably damn my soul to hell if it means protecting my kids. She is an evil woman and the worst part of it is she is also a psychologist. Many times, she used her degree to her advantage to legalize her claims to feed her manipulative behavior. She wants me to fear her but i just don’t i could only pity her because how she tries so hard. There are actions of her that works though and it scarred me for life. But i want everyone to know that everyone has the ability to stop the abuse anytime and all they have to do is to own up to it and accept the consequences. I accepted that i would be losing my siblings possibly my father too but if these people would never see how important i am to them and continue to see her as god then i will have to make a choice. It would be unfair but sometimes enough is enough and i’d rather live happily alone than live miserably with them. I haveny establish a no contact yet because i still believe in maslow’s hierarchy of needs but i am considering it 100%. The woman who gave birth to me once told me after an abuse ” you know what i’m capable of doing” since then i know what i would be leaving is not human it is something diabolical. I don’t know what to call people like that. Best option would be to leave. I’m with all of you because i’ve been in the same situation for all my life. I wish everyone good luck and happiness. Take care!

  31. Wow,so glad I found this web site. I have not spoken to my mother for over a year now and have thoroughly enjoyed it.I made my decision after she announced to my daughter that I was being a “pain” because I didn’t do what she wanted to do at that very moment. Her conversations are always about herself…”I this,I that.” Never asks about you. She is wealthy and can do most anything she wants. She is very demanding. Loves to talk about herself. Always wants things her way. Took all credit for any accomplishments in my life…..If it weren’t for me,yada,yada,yada. She even has a MA in Guidance and Counseling. I am only there to make her look good. She often would take my daughter without asking me which really torqued me off. She lives with her father so she doesn’t feel she needs to ask me too. It’s been over a year now and it feels so good though I still have alot of anger towards her. NPD is horrible!

  32. Wonderful site. I have been no contact with the woman who gave birth to me for 2 years now. I couldn’t care less if I never see her again. Although, she continues to text me, pretending everything is fine and I am just “busy”. Her whole world is totally delusional. The thing that hurts most is losing the rest of my family. I have lost them all because of the horrible things she has said about me. Her hobby is trying to destroy anything I love. So I knew it would only be a matter of time before she tried to turn my daughter against me. Whenever I feel guilty and alone, I remind myself of this. There is nothing I would not do to protect my baby. I only regret that I ever let the mother from hell meet her.

    The ONLY skill my loser mom has is being deceptive and gaining everyone’s pity. I swear, the woman is so pathetic it disgusts me. Even more amazing is how idiots still believe her. I have NO RESPECT for her and never have. That is why she had to make me fear her. These pieces of trash narcissists are the lowest form of life. It must take so much energy always trying to deceive and ruin people’s happiness. My “mother” tried to kill me several times. One when I was 16, and I suspect several other times when I was very young. Yet, no one in my family EVER stood up for me. None of them ever cared enough to try and save my life. So maybe they’re not worth my sorrow after all. This is the legacy my birth mother has chosen for herself. She has NO friends. The only people that bother with her are the same family idiots she gossips about and belittles behind their backs. Just an entire family of blind fools.

    She has taken almost everything from me. She almost took it all. And if she were allowed around me, I know she would never stop. Also- she is a teacher and pretends to be a Christian. Watch out for these demons in schools. They love a captive audience of people that are forced to gain their approval. Blessings and love to all of you that have looked into the face of evil, and were strong enough to survive.

  33. This explains my life better than anything I’ve ever read. “You always had that feeling that mom wanted you to disappear and never come back.” This is exactly how I felt. When my mother looked at me, the look on her face made me feel like just having to look at me made her sick to her stomach. We lived in a nice home and had decent clothing, so I was told that my mother loved me. “She may have the rest of the family convinced that she is a wonderful, even loving human being. (These people have never seen her style of low down guerrilla tactics behind closed doors.) You are the witness; the one that knows the truth. Even other siblings who grew up in the same home with you continue to make excuses for her corrosive, damaging outrageous behaviors.” This is my life exactly. I am trying to work through all of the hurt inflicted on me by my family. I was, through some unspoken agreement within my family, deemed the scapegoat. Because my mother hated me, and didn’t care anything about my feelings, I was left ‘open’, to be used, misused, and abused however my father, brother, and sister saw fit, because my feelings didn’t matter. I’m really trying to heal, don’t know what the outcome will be.

  34. I’m in my 30s and expecting our second child.
    I’m having a weak moment, GC brother is doing the whole ‘cold shoulder’ thing because I declared LC with NM on the condition that she seek professional help (I don’t actually hold out hope for that) we would allow her to talk to us on the phone..she has not sought help.
    Instead she phoned to threaten to make false allegations to social services for the express purpose of removing our child from our care!
    Now my extended family, aunts, uncles and cousins are also all ignoring my existence because of whatever it is she might be telling them.
    The extended family are not abusive or Narcs, and neither are they flying monkeys, they’re just keeping out of it I suppose…but it’s heart-breaking, as I presume is the design of it all.

    Thank God in heaven for the husband I have found, and the strength and introspective ways that allowed me to understand why it was so difficult for me when he consistently treats me with dignity, love, caring and respect.

    within 2months this new baby will be born, perhaps the child will never meet the NM, but that is her choosing as we will only accept acceptable behaviour.
    The ball is in her court as it were, all she has to do is stop being abusive – in a world where she’s as normal as she claims that should be easy.
    I feel like that kind of deal I have declared keeps me safer, there is a specific condition to be met, it is a fair one and it is also one that I doubt she will ever be willing to consider, let alone meet.
    So my LC is truly NC because of that, but giving her ‘the power’ to choose which it is to be removes a lot of her power in regards to guilting me over it.

    GC brother has tried at length to bully and shame me into conforming to the insanity, but the reasonability of my requests keep me strong, no matter how much it hurts to see how little he cares for my family and I with his push to have me allow her abuse myself, my spouse and my child/ren.

  35. Like many other people, it is now.. in my thirties, that I can understand how the things I’ve lived through and blamed myself were not my fault.
    Both my parents are narcissists. My mother had me when the marriage was crumbling in order to get child payments which she then squandered with her criminal new husband. My dad never wanted me born as my mother loved to retell me continuously.
    I love my country yet live elsewhere now in a cold land which doesn’t suit my free spirited, beach loving character. It was away from them and that move was even a long time ago. At the time I didn’t think I was running away but know now that I was. Over the years I have realized how I had nothing to go back to either. The times I have been home, it has been foreign. I stay in hotels and used to spend a lot of money travelling around to visit my mother, father and relatives. I never stayed with my mother. I made a promise to myself as a child that when I could determine my own life I would never go back to her home.
    I was abused in the home of my youth and my mother pretended not to know. In fact she made a lifetime of bullying and covering up the truth, pulling me out of school and moving if it looked like the truth of that home would be detected.
    Early on my brothers went to live with my dad and stepmother and had a wealthy life. My eldest brother knows nothing other than being welcomes and adored by parents. He is cold, righteous and very condescending towards me. Just as dad taught everyone to be.
    My mother has been a sickness. For many years I felt close to her or told myself I was, being so far away. I turned to her. Never once did she encourage me to return to my country but rather to stay here.
    Nobody from the family has ever visited me. When I sued to see them back home they would hurl abuse at me for going away and being so selfish. To stay and be the handy scapegoat for them would have made their lives so much better. I get blamed from afar.

    I have shut them out of my life now. Whatever it really is for a life. I don’t have children and do not see my true self in this cold, grey land. I can be contacted via Skype but I never am. My mother is too cowardly to call but will send letters at times when she knows I am about a day away from a yearly holiday. I don’t read the letters anymore as they used to fill me with fear. All the little barbs she plants into her letters, salivating over her viciousness no doubt with her cask of wine handy. My partner reads them because he doesn’t have any emotional involvement in the things she writes. He reads it only to tell me how my grandmother is. I don’t ask further though these stupid letters are all over the place. I think I have put them in a box and find more lying on the table I forgot to remove. There are no photos but reminders.

    I look forward to moving from this apartment at some stage because I will not provide family with a forwarding address. Even though I am as far away as possible from home I feel as though I am reachable and want that to end. I am at a distance my mother likes. She doesn’t have to look at me to remind herself of how she let herself go or to face the truth of what she has done to her child but she has this control she craves.
    I found a stable partner who takes no risks but my life is dull. I miss home and sunshine every day but I left when I was too young to know what home offered me. had I remained I would have been pushed and pulled by the families all these years. Even Christmas time has been hell in a family like that. If I spent Christmas with dad then only I would see my mother going crazy and screaming about that, my brothers only saw her good behavior.
    She had another criminal son with the new husband to match his shady past which he somehow crept with into my country from Europe. Ironically enough my mother calls me a traitor for leaving my country when she is with some cretin who unfortunately left where he was from.

    They are useless to me. They are a stain on the good place I am from, known for carefree, healthy and happy people. I don’t have a family but by not having that I have learned to be open minded towards other people I meet. I have also known all my life how valuable my relationships with nature and animals has been and is. More kind affection and truth than human relationships.

  36. I have just cut free a week ago. It is long overdue. Hardly been out of bed…feeling so low but it was the wish to end my life; that was my blessing.
    Healing through pain.
    For ages: I could not realise why my Woman who gave birth to me; akways wanted to know the minutae of my life.
    This ranged from friends to exes and “if I’d heard from them; to the new church & how it goes with my neighbours &;that new Voluntary job.
    I noted a pattern that every single time I built myself up & was Happy (not to be allowed for the Narcissist as joy Must come from them: I found out from several brill Websites on UTube): she would try to bring me down!
    She is a master of the put-down & they have NEVER praised me or any of my siblings.
    She asks me to move back (her idea) to care “for your ageing parents” ggen when it is my idea; she says “You’ve tried that before”
    I quickly move to another subject of love & how I feel happy & that I feel I could have a partner now. She says “You’ve tried that before”.
    I come off the phone & feel all my joy has gone. She is a Master at the game.
    When back last time: Dad states”You keep trying & failing”…I stick up for myself & saying”Look I did an extremely hard job as a Terminal Care RN & you NEVER said well done. I did not have time off for kids “(like the rich favourite in Sydney).
    I get it from all I find out. The NC objectifies objects in the home..they are prizes to be cherished. She objectifies my GC(is that Golden Child?)brother in Paris who drives wuth diplomatic no plates.
    She hates illness & never has anything wrong as she hides it. She adores money & I have become so ill Im on benefits.
    I finally after years of being labelled the “troubled one”; have declared a NC. She is So so devious & an arch manipulator and I gotta change all contact details so I can have a life ti call my own. She has potential to really suck all the vitality & hope out of me. My olda sis is very damaged. She is not the beautiful intelligent girl she was when she left home. My Mum said:”She was changed when she got back from Austria”. No; she had git a bit of confidence &;broken free. From that moment my mother started chip by chip to (with my CoDa Dad) run her down. She then joined a religioys cult! Then she really Did change.
    They are both the ‘perfect pillars’ of Community & very involved as elders in their church & have many many friends.
    I have very little confidence to LEARN how to make friends. As kids we never git the chance to as all was tightly orchestrated socall our friends were justcthe kids of WHERE SHE WANTED TO GO.
    That is another dig she uses @ me to try to deflate me.
    I am doing x2 daily Inner Child Healing. I am a healer/ex burse & Know in my heart I am Not who she implies I am as the close mstes I do have say Im one of the loveliest people they know!! That screws with ones mind” the mismatch from other’s with how my parents treat me.
    When I feel low I take up all my lovely Thank you cards from patients families who had died & tell myself I am a good person.
    Im awaiting Psychotherapy.
    Sending all you Blessed lovely people much love. We are special to have been targetted as they only wanted the joyvin us they tried to steal.

  37. I am on hospice and mother will not stop mailing cards and texting. I have blocked phone but still goes to voice mail and receives text. In spite of the technical details how can someone stop her. I had to go to no contact because it was still about her during my dying process.

    Family has begged her to stop. I want to pass in peace. It appears she is determined to get last word. Do I need a restraining order? Who can stop a narcissist?

  38. I recently found out about narcissism. I was mostly [except for my teen years] the golden child. Totally enmeshed with my mother bordering on emotional incest. When i realized that all this time , this eery feeling i had when i was younger ..was because of this.

    My father was an alcoholic , and very abusive , he would rage at anything that he felt “offended” by. Hold me down and tell me to be quiet. He would humiliate me , ridicule me and call me names.My mother used me as her therapist , always telling me how much of a horrible person my father was , about her sex life..about anything personal she would share with me , and i tried to “help” her and be there for her , i felt so “bad” for her and started to hate him , when i really did love him even if he was abusive he was the only thing i could actually see myself in..feel some sort of connection , she did everything [still does] to keep me away from him , when i talk to him she tries to get my attention again. I often felt like the lover of my mother , it’s quite sickening. My mother made me believe i was so special and different , living in a fairytale world. i didn’t learn shit about human emotions or how to handle them. I felt like a goddamn alien when i first started going to school. She had “shielded” me from the big bad world..or in other words kept me naive and stupid. She would often talk to my father when i was also in the room about my “intelligence”. Breaking me down in a very subtle way. I was very very sensitive as a little kid and i would cry over anything , which later my mom would say i was too sensitive..or that i was just like my father..laughing at me and ridiculing me along with my brother. I got molested by my brother when i was around 7 years old , i went along with it as i was scared of him..he also has a very “agressive” streak..would curse or hit me over the slightest thing , when he was done with me he said to me , i don’t need it anymore and just pretended it never happened. I even remember myself asking him if this was normal for siblings to do with eachother..which he ofcourse said ..yeah alot of them do these kind of things . My mother would often barge into my room and ask me what i was doing , constantly wanting my attention. I had zero privacy. When i hit puberty it just became worse and worse and i actually started to believe that i was a evil and horrible person. I was absolutely confused with my own sexuality. I didn’t know who or what i was..i even had a time i wasn’t even able to look my own mother in her eyes because i felt “attracted” to her..that was absolutely disgusting…

    I got bullied everywhere i went , even my own “friends” would bully me. My village [where i still live to this day] had fucking terrorized me for years till i finally was able to walk around without getting any angry look or harassement. I was very strong as a teenager..but i got torn in half and my sensitivity that i had then became non exsistent. Every relationship i had was hell , they were all the same , goddamn bullies. I did went to therapy and i got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This again was for me “proof” that i was insane and didn’t deserve any better. Heck with the epiphany i had i discovered that i had panick attacks when i was still a few years old. Alot of things are coming back to me..and it just becomes more twisted each time i discover something i had forgotten. I want to get out of this hellhole and live somewhere far far away and never return , but unfortanely i have no idea how to do it..and where i should be going.. sorry for this long ass story but im glad i could get it off my chest 🙂

  39. This is an amazing site! It has really helped me to know that I am not alone. Some of your stories are truly heart breaking and well done for overcoming and dealing with it all. I can see most of the posts were made in 2013 so I’m a few years after them!! I had a really “privileged” up bringing. I got given everything travelled private school etc u name it. But my mother has always been controlling. I am 26 and I am finally reading about narcissistic mothers and what they are like. When I read your stories and al about nm it freaked me out because now I know she is a narcissist. Doesn’t make dealing with her any easy. Strongly considering lc for my own sanity. Feeling upset that my father is enabling her and supporting my mother he has basically chosen her and shuts me down whenever I talk or say anything is wrong with my mother. Al members of my family shut me down no one can ever say their feelings unless it’s pandering to my mother. She is the queen bee! She used to until very recently control everything down to straightening my hair cause she doesn’t like it curly. I ran away when I was 16 to Cuba and I have been a bit of a wild card in my teens but I was rebelling against my mother. I still went to four universities and I am a really good daughter- i pander to my mothers every whim. It’s exhausting. Had many suicide attempts in my teens because of her but now Im fine! One thing about narcissists is the child like rage. The yelling and screaming when she goes at it it makes me freeze.I am absolutely terrified of my mother and walk around on egg shells. I spend most of my days out of the house and come back when she is sleeping so I don’t have to deal with her. I am staying with her for a few weeks until I move to Berlin(she doesn’t know that yet)!We look like the perfect rich well to do family. She constantly hovers and controls me but it’s very strange. You would think if she paid that much attention to me it’s good but it’s so damaging cause it’s al about her. She doesn’t actually know me at all and the few times iv ever had my own opinion or said anything it’s invalid and immediately put down. She buys me clothes she wants me to wear and if I don’t wear them around her she goes insane about my appearance. I am an artist and she just says not interested if I talk about my work. She once said I wasn’t what she wanted me to be so I am constantly bombarded by her dos pointing face huffs screams and insults. I have literally lost count of how many times she has called me an idiot and stupid. It’s all about how others will think of her. I was never allowed friends round. She even controls and tells me what I can and can’t eat. She always has to say how hard parenting is and how much of an inconvenience I am even though I am an adult. She hides all my documents opens my mail, pretends to be me on the house phone. All of these things r just the tip of the ice berg. I once went on holiday and asked her to look after my kitten. I paid her brought all of its stuff around. I came back and she had sold it ? I was adopted and it is clear she bought me for her own use. I never have let that hinder me trying and seeking approval Iv always loved her and forgiven over and over- it’s constant. Recently I think she has been going a bit mad. She keeps accusing me of stealing weird stuff from the house. -like fake flowers she put in the garden. Really weird stuff like that. I have never stolen from her but she is trying for some reason to turn everyone against me or maybe she is genuinely mad. It’s amusing when someone is evil towards u but keeps obsessing over u and trying to control u at the same time. I can’t explain how damaging this is towards me. I read an outcome of adult narcissists children and one of them is lying. I lie to my mother all the time because I need to protect myself from her and everything I do or say is always a big issue and drama. I am aware it’s not good but it is a coping mechanism. I can really relate to people saying they jumped whenever their mum phoned them. I get berated if I don’t txt or phone back or miss a call. I can’t stress enough how terrified I am of my mother and how disappointed I am with my father. Before writing this I had the audacity to go to the kitchen and get a glass of water. She yelled at me for getting a glass of water!!! I can’t stress enough how illogical and truly damaging she has been towards me. I do still love her though. Lots of people here hate their mums and I do hate my mum but it’s tough. I think I’m a really nice person and I wouldn’t hurt a fly- I’m a total hippy and a member of green peace!- but I keep having dreams where I kill my own mother or in them she dies! Is that normal for children of narcisstic parents to have these dreams? I also find it hard because she is so nice to other people she meets sometimes she lets her guard down and is horrible to me when I am there in front of them but that is very rare. Considering sticking a GoPro in the kitchen just to film her having an episode!! I can’t win with my mother at all everything I do is wrong in her eyes and boy she shows it. Just even in one look it can put me back in my box and when other normal people r there they don’t see it but she definitely knows. Sorry for the length of this its just really therapeutic to write it and I am going to try less and less contact and maybe one day it will be no contact! Thanks for reading!

  40. This article makes a whole lot of sense. I know I have to go to no contact not because people are chasing after me or being overtly mean but because I am the family black sheep/scapegoat and my mother is the ringleader. I cannot change the family and I only get harmed by all the psychological, emotional, and spiritual abuse games. It’s very subtle and very clever and everyone is all so nice on the outside but they are devious on the inside. I hope they get better, but I’m certainly not the one to do it. All I can do is to forgive and go to no contact until they actually change and want me for me.

  41. Like so many others, I have been through hell from my nm. I never knew about this reality of who my mom was till I was 30.
    I am a Christian… I remember feeling like there was always something wrong with me. I remember the things in my adult life that lead to my mom exploding and exposing her true self to me. I started getting compliments from my mom’s best friend whom I always thought of as a Aunt. I got a nice home and started taking my life in my own control and my mom snapped.
    She has turned to many people against me and did the typical smear campaign. I run into people who I knew all my life, people who my mom has spoken with and they now ignore me or act like they are disgusted with me. I do fight worrying about what others think but at the end of the day I must keep on going on.
    One thing I find is that Facebook has greatly enabled my mother to have her platform and almost intensify or add to her mental problems. She puts up such a persona of who she is and also constantly puts up these posts ironically about me being narcissistic. I think those things are so difficult to see someone so twisted in their thinking that they actually blame me and say I do the very things she truly does do.
    The blessing is that in this painful journey I have learned that those my mom put down are actually not bad people. I am close with some family members now that I used to not be because of my mom’s brainwash… I have a restored relationship with my father and now can really understand why he stayed away. My mom had me to believe that he did not love me and was a bad father…. but I now see that she tormented him too. He was so miserable and had to stay away. I see it all now. The lies and slander.
    This journey also has shown me how NOT to be. I refuse to allow my children to gossip to me about each other. I teach them to go to each other and be honest and real.. to be humble when you screw up and ask for forgiveness. To also love and forgive and not hold in bitterness. I want my kids to be close.
    My mom stole the relationship between my sister and i.
    We were starting to be close… things were coming out and my mom sicker her in and now she is under my mom’s spell. I pray for my sister and ask God to remove her from my mom’s torment as well. If God can save me from it I know my sister one day can be saved as well… so I am relying on him because I can’t hold these burdens any more.
    I pray for all of you hurting people. I ask God to help us. This has been hell. Lord give us peace in this storm.

  42. Hi Everyone

    So pleased to have found this website. I have a NM mother, although I only discovered that fact in the last couple of years. I knew from a very early age that my mother didn’t love me and internalised all of the abuse, nastiness and pathological lying as my fault. After their divorce, my father remarried and was gone from my life so I had no support from him, something NM and my new stepfather took huge advantage of. It was only through counselling in my 30s I was told none of it had been my fault. That was the first time that thought had entered my head! Finally, in my 30s, and in the interests of my sanity, I went NC. For the most part it has been great, but 21 years later, she is still, through family triangulation, attempting to smear me, undermine my achievements and turn family members against me. It saddens me that I am still having to defend myself in the eyes of some of my family but in their eyes she is a lovely person because they only see the phoney side that she so expertly presents, she has little contact with them and she is backed up by Golden Child who I suspect is also a narcissist. I still
    have to fight the negative thoughts that enter my head every day, a legacy of that upbringing, but I am grateful to be (almost) free of her toxic influence. I have no children of my own because I wouldn’t have had the first idea how to raise them given my background and instead I have always kept dogs, who more than anyone, have given me the love and validation that was lacking from my parents. I have forgiven my father for his abandonment of me because he too was suffering from the emotional impact of NM and still is. But NM, I despise: she isn’t my ‘mother’ – she brought me into this world (by accident) and then treated me with breath taking cruelty and abuse. It isn’t easy for anyone who has been through what we have to survive. It’s a long, difficult road but I try to be grateful for the positives in life. When I am having a ‘down’ day, which I still do, I find going to bed and sleeping is the best tactic. And every day that I don’t have a ‘down’ day and every day I value myself is a victory of her and her behaviour.
    I wish every one on this forum the very best and thank you for reading my piece.

  43. Tomorrow is Mother’s day and I am SOOOOO glad that I went NC with my NM and family 2.5 years ago. It’s been heaven! I can breathe. No, I mean, I can REALLY breathe now that I’m out of that witch’s sphere! Food tastes wonderful now and I am gaining weight – I really needed to because I had acid reflux for years and couldn’t keep anything down and was way too thin. I had no idea that the anxiety that caused my GERD had anything to do with them. Soon after I went NC, it disappeared. Just knowing that tomorrow will be just another day for me and I can relax and enjoy the day – free from her toxic behaviours, her criticisms, put-downs, haughtiness, and her gossip! Ugh! Best of all, I won’t have to waste my time trying to find a simple card that reads, “Enjoy your day.” I won’t have to waste my money on flowers and taking her out to eat. I wish I could’ve found the courage to do this three decades ago – my life would be a thousand times better today. How in the world did I ever put up with that monster for so long? I guess when you’re born into a toxic cult, you have no idea that your life is abnormal – although you know that something’s wrong because you’re hurting all the time. Both parents were toxic, malignant narcissists. They are like cancers that infect everyone within their sphere. I’m so glad I have escaped their clutches and have created a whole new life for myself – far away from the cult. Happy Mother’s Day to all you ACONs out there. May you be blessed!

  44. These people are monsters. Make no mistake-your pain is their food. Get away as soon as possible. They will feed off you and drain your life force UNTIL YOU DIE without a thought of the consequences to you and your life and they will never ever stop. NEVER!

    I was programmed by my narcissistic parents and my narcissistic younger sister that I was bad. That there was something inherently wrong and flawed with me. All my life I never even believed I was a “real person”. Although I was intelligent and creative they shunned me and laughed and mocked me for every creative attempt. “Look at this wannabe trying to be good at anything”. Nevermind that even with all the advantages they gave themselves and excluded me from, they ended up as a secretary and a waitress. My sister lives in my mothers basement, has for 19 years and sits ready to inherit NM’s tiny condo, hurling lies, insults and blaming me for ruining the family. I am the scapegoat, the truth teller and they HATE me.
    I knew from a very young age that my family was crazy. The physical abuse was unbearable. I would be brutally beaten physically and then they would try to force me to believe it was my fault. That somehow I deserved it. My sister was a sociopathic narcissist, 2 years younger than me and from my earliest memories a liar, trouble maker and saboteur. I know now she was jealous of me. I won awards in school and created beautiful things that people outside the family loved despite my family’s attempts to prevent my access to materials and opportunities to participate in any type of activity. She took absolute joy in running to tell on me for breaking any of the many many rules-they were crazy controlling-and enjoyed watching the beatings. If there was nothing I had done wrong she would make something up. She is the epitome of Dr Linda’s “poor little me” article on this blog. It could have been written about her and the similarities are uncanny. Every article on this site could have been written about my family.
    I am literally haunted by memories of her maniacal grin-like the cat that swallowed the canary- as she watched me suffer. It hurts enough to get the initial beating but the subsequent beatings were so much worse as all the welps bruises and sore spots were re-injured time and time again. Of course after the beatings came the grounding. They kept me isolated alot, I think partly so other adults would not see the injuries but also because they did not want me to find any comfort or solace anywhere. I had a schoolteacher in the fifth grade who pulled me aside and told me she was very impressed with my creative writing skills and said that she believed I had the talent to someday be a writer if I wanted to. I went home and told my mother, I was so excited, it was the first real validation I had ever experienced. My mother laughed and told me the teacher was wrong that she didn’t know me like they did. That year I won several academic awards. My parents did not attend the ceremony, I caught a ride with a neighbor and their kids. I did not tell them I might receive awards because I knew they would not allow me to go. Those awards were very special to me. A representation of a truth I was still too conditioned to believe, and a hope that I might be a “real person” someday. A few years later I noticed they were gone. My mother threw them away while “cleaning out my drawers”. She told me it was a relief to get rid of them because of the fighting they caused between me and my sister. My sister would frequently take them and hide them and taunt me-I would be punished severely for any attempts to retrieve them-she would blackmail me. She would want me to give her something of mine-usually something of great significance to me- or she would threaten to throw them away if I did not do something she wanted. Looking back I cannot believe my parents did not take them away from her and punish her for tormenting me. They belonged to me-I earned them. I was never allowed to have anything that was mine just as I was never allowed any dignity, respect or to have a real sense of self. Becaus eshe was allowed and even rewarded for this type of outrageous behavior my sister developed into a dangerous narcissistic sociopath who will not hesitate to destroy life reputation and livelihood if it suits her. I was an avid reader throughout my incarceration with that insane group that called themselves a family. It was both an escape and an adventure for a kid denied any chance to be involved in the world outside the cult or to explore any field of interest, develop any talents or dream any dreams. I mostly tried to stay to myself. Attracting attentinn was never a good thing for me.
    I started running away at 12. Unfortunately I attracted people just like them. It was all I had ever known. When I was 17 I had the first of 2 kids with a violent alcoholic malignant narcissist and I left him after he became violent in front of the kids. After that I was dependent on the family. I trued so hard to get and be self sufficient but since I lived in “their house” I was never allowed to further my education or nurture ny natural gifts. I would have been a great entrepreneur but they would only allow me to take menial jobs like working in a restaraunt or cleaning houses etc… my mother would remind me when I spoke of wanting more that I had ruined my life and would have to be satisfied doing this type of work forever. It was what I deserved according to her. She will always be enraged that I blew her carefully constructed illusion that we were a “WONDERFUL CHRISTIAN FAMILY”. Everytime I would get into a good opportunity to become independent they sabotaged it. She made it very clear that she was letting me and my kids live in “HER HOUSE” and that she “would not support” any efforts towards real lasting success or independence.
    She and my sister and father lied to everyone and turned people against me caused me to lose jobs, relationships and Opportunities. If anything looked promising they made sure to snuff it out. Because I lived in their home thay had all the control. They threw me and the kids out of the house the night before I was to start a good job etc… loading a few belongings into trash bags and trying to find a place to stay at midnight with 2 kids is a nightmare. This happened countless times and was their go to anytime they wanted control which was always. They never needed a legitimate reason. They did it because they could. The attrocities that were committed inside those 2000 sq feet should have put them in jail but they were great liars and actors and always managed to convince anyone who tried to help me that I was crazy and making it all up. There were so many ways they sabotaged me , way too many to list here. I know now they could not let me succeed. If I succeeded the very foundation of their lives crumbled. Their ability to breathe was based on their belief that they were superior to me and I was the cause of all that was wrong in their world. My father used to yank me up out of nowhere and start attacking me saying my mother was mad at him and it was somehow my fault? To this day I sometimes feel guilty and that I did deserve it. My mind knows thats ridiculous but my subconscious programming niggles and nags at me that I am wrong and worthless and really did somehow deserve it.

    They did everything they could to keep me broke and broken and for the first 47 years of my life and for the most part they succeeded. They destroyed my childrens lives and our relationships although my youngest child and I are now working to restore a relationship. Both my kids see this abomination of a family for what it is. They have witnessed the physical abuse that continued well into adulthood for me.
    All I have ever wanted is to be free. 6 years ago I googled the phrase “why does my mother and sister gang up on me” and discovered what was wrong with my family. I have one living brother. My only living sibling left beside my narcissistic sister. He has seen all this and believes me. He was allowed to learn a career since he was a male. To my mother males are there to “make a living”. Also my mother took great pride in the fact that he was self supporting, something most parents would encourage but she kept me and my spoiled crazy sister from obtaining any type of career because she needs us. We are the food she eats and the air she breathes. If we bacame independent of her she would not have her supply. My sister is a monster and very dangerous but I know she too is a victim. My sister has expressed to me many times that she is a waitress because she had a kid with an alcoholic and gave up her chance at a career and this is what she deserves. Music to my psychopathic mothers ears.
    I finally managed to get away had a good job and lived on my own successfully for 7 years. They were dunbfounded during this time and continued to try to sabotage anything in my life they could access. They manipulated my oldest son into many difficulties because it was a way to get at me and a reason for them to contact me. After years of struggling against them I succunbed to stress and began abusing alcohol. I got a dui and lost my license my job my home and my whole life. I was back exactly where they wanted me. I broke away 3 years ago and moved in with my brother. I had always been fit and healthy but after 45 yrs of grinding stress began to have some health issues. He also has had a lifetime of issues because of these pieces of garbage in human form. He married a woman exactly like my mother had 2 kids and divorced her. He now has to deal with her until his kids turn 18. We both agreed to go no contact 2 yrs ago. I was doing better, healing and getting back some strength, motivation and hope that I could still make a life for myself. Unfortunately there are issues with my oldest son that have forced me to have contact with them recently. What a huge setback. They have completely rewritten history and I deserve everything that has happened, there was never any childhood abuse etc… They just flatly deny that ANYTHING bad ever happened and say we were a happy “wonderful christian family” until I went “crazy” and ruined it all. It is just INSANITY. I have been consumed with rage, back to wanting revenge. I also have so far not been able to overcome the deep subconscious programming of being inherently flawed and undeserving of any success. I am afraid to try for fear of failing. I do not have the victim mentality and have always prided myself on being strong but I feel like these monsters have sucked away my strenght and my soul. I deal with depression ptsd and struggle with a lack of productivity. The reality of my situation is so depressing I often disassociate into tv or books. As a kid I would dream of being free and had so many great plans and dreams. Now I just feel empty. So many years of being told me and my ideas are worthless, that it is unrealistic I would ever achieve success have gotten in my head and I cannot seem to chase them out. It’s like living with a piece of the abuser in my mind. I have ideas and projects that others say are great. I have certainly seen others succeed and blow past me in life with ideas that showed far less potential than mine but after a lifetime of pouring my heart and soul into projects only to have them blocked or sabotaged has just left me exhausted. I dont want to be filled with hate and anger but I truly believe these monsters should be burned at the stake. They took my life away because they could. Some days are better than others. I wonder how many others there are like me and if they have found a way to break free. Not just physically but mentally. I am just so worn out and worn down I can hardly function. MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SO LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING. I am so lucky and grateful to have him. He says I have helped him as well but I cannot live with my brother forever. This is the opportunity I should have been given as a kid-a chance to gain my permanent independence and build a life of my own. I try to reason with myself and can sometimes keep the monsters in my head at bay but they always come back. The thought that it might be too late for me is more than I can cope with. I cannot afford therapy and have never found a therapist in my area who had more knowledge on this topic than I. My brother has insurance and even he cannot find a suitable counselor that is qualified to help. I need to do this on my own.
    Has anyone else experienced this? How can I banish them forever and live the life I was meant to have?

  45. Congrats Elizabeth…you are an inspiration to me! Mother’s Day was a nightmare because after healing for two years I let her back in. I’m writing a no contact letter now. She moved to my town from another State without even talking about it. I easily fell into my old pattern and didn’t even notice until her pattern escalated. I then cancelled dinner with her for her birthday and marched myself into therapy, 2 years ago. Not sure what pissed her off more! I made more growth and have been so happy these past two years, but couldn’t let go of the guilt. Then after meditating I saw a rainbow and took that as a sign to see my mom and thought that if we only did volunteer work together then we could raise our relationship to a higher plane and it could become a blessing instead of a curse. We did one thing together…actually, I did it all but the fun part that I shared with her. I bought her a “Happy Mother’s Day” card that said enjoy your day, but lost it. So, I wrote her a newsy, happy email stating I would be out of town, but I’ve got some good ideas about volunteering and we could get together to discuss over a pedicure. I got back a barrage of nasty emails about how unloving, uncaring and cheap I am. She went on and on and most of it were lies from when I was as young as 5. I could not follow her rants and stated that no abuse happened on her watch because she was not a good mom, but was a GREAT mom. etc,etc…. I since found her Mothers Day card and tempted to send it with the no contact letter inside. My therapist said she doesn’t deserve a letter after all the vomit she spewed on me. I blocked my email, going to CODA and planting a garden. It’s weird that I’m in my 50’s and only now understanding that she won’t change. I am so grateful for my husband and son. This is my first time on this web site and I related so much to what you wrote. If you were here I would give you a heartfelt hug. Thank you for your encouragement, I can go NC with my NM too!

  46. What about narcissistic children? Or parental alienation by a narcissist who targets the other parent as the “problem”? In addition, when children have a narcissistic parent, they tend to marry narcissists?
    We seem to have a generation of children and adult children who have a sense of entitlement because of parents enduring them as special. Trying to build self-esteem parents had inadvertently developed arrogance in their children, giving little thought to others.
    I agree narcissists can wreck havoc on individuals, families, and work situations. But when there are extenuating circumstances such as divorcing a narcissist and then having them actively alienate their children from the other parent, it literally works out their narcissistic wound on their children, to get back at their former spouse.

  47. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Your story touched me and sounds much like my own with these monsters who call themselves a family. When I was age 12 my father tried molesting me, I was strong and got away just in the nick of time and went to my older brothers room and told him. Well he just kept sleeping like he didn’t care. So I waited and told my much older sister and then my Mother. I wasn’t believed. I was chastised for telling the truth and that is when it all started crumbling down, my Narcissist mother Never let that go and back then I didn’t understand. She put me on meds through a psychiatrist even when I spoke up to tell the truth. She pulled the doctor into a room and switched up and twisted everything to make me Look crazy. She pulled me out of school. Wouldn’t let me talk to No one. She had me home schooled and to take these crazy meds which made me to gain over 82 lbs. Back then I went from 120 to just a bit over 200. I lost All my friends. Everyone started making rumors saying I got pregnant. Everything was a mess. They ruined My Life my mind my body my self esteem. I’ve been to Many therapists and I’m pained to say that I take this pain with me Forever. I Know I will take it to my grave and I am only 32. I moved out most of my adult years, ages 19-27. But as luck attracted it, my sons father turned out to be a clever abuser, passive aggressive, very covert like my mother. After I called child protective services through a counselor in my teens, DCF opened up an investigation and the cops and people came to investigate asking my parents questions. Of course my mom protected my father and turned it all around again on me. Nobody in my family ever had my back. My brother was my dad’s favorite golden child and my sister is and was my mother’s golden child and my dad’s favorite daughter. I had met and fallen in love with who I thought was the love of my life and he is the father of my two daughters, also a narcissist filled with fits of rage. I can’t take it anymore. I had to move back here after he became abusive and now my sister and mother everyday make my life a Living hell. My whole life has been a massive struggle. I dream of moving many states away. But I am trapped here. My ex ruined my credit and my sister is enabled everyday. She is now 42 has a 19yr old boyfriend, same age as her eldest kid who my mother pushed me aside ever since I was 11 to mother and care for, she takes care of my spoiled bratty nephews and talks to them allows them to open up and is there emotionally for them and my messed up sister. My sister rubs it in my face every chance I get that I am a loser even when I have my Bachelors of science degree and she was in and out of mental institutions, getting abortions left and right, letting the guys in town screw her brains out yet she thinks she’s better than me because my parents paid for her wedding to a crack head, she has “one” baby’s father and is divorced now with a young black kid who she made her feduciary controlling him belittling him. Just like my mother did my father. She was his feduciary and sucked his money every month from him dry. She never made him take his meds or go to therapy up until a year before his death. My parents Never once approved of any of my partners yet they married my sister to a drug addict. She’s stolen my dads checkbook and bounced two checks for crack cocaine and the same night they were all sitting in the living room watching a movie and cooking dinner together laughing. My nephews were brainwashed by the crack head and the rest of them to hate me and disrespect me. The emotional turmoil is endless and only gets worse. Every time I try to reach out to talk about it I get left or my “friendships” get cut off. Life isn’t fair and every day is a battle just because I told the truth Many years ago. If I would have known I would have kept it down inside. Every cop I’ve told every adult has been trained against it by my menacing actors in my family. The only good thing my mother can do is have control and is an expert on being deceptive. I have three amazing beautiful kids. My oldest who now is seven and the worst part is he is being brainwashed by them now and I fear he will turn against me too. Sometimes I dream about getting on a flight to leave the country or go out West. I have been having thoughts of taking bottles of pills at a hotel room and passing out for three days or hoping I Never wake up. But now I have my kids to think about and can’t live with another thought that if something happens to their mother how bad things would change for them and who would protect them if I am not here or teach them the right way? I feel as I am diminishing to a former shell of myself. I know I Need go gain control back of my life and every day I dream to reach the day Me and my children can leave Never look back and have absolutely NO contact with this horrible bunch who calls themselves my nephews, NM and NS(narcissistic sister). My brother is in a halfway “Christian” program because he almost died from injecting heroin. My sister lives out of hotels with her 19yr old bf while my mother keeps Caring for her two sons. Yet my sister Needs to remember I Am living my truth. At least I did Not get Two abortions by two different Men and don’t have four baby dads like she was supposed to. Just last year she had an abortion by pill at three months pregnant. Blood leaked All over the carpets and hallways a mass murder it looked horrendous and I am Not one to exaggerate. I work from home on my laptop because I cannot afford daycare and want to stay and protect my kids and came in at 11at night to moaning screaming from my sister having her fucking abortion. I saw parts of the fetus in the toilet I almost passed out. My mother came from work and Helped her clean and ended scrubbing All the blood up wiping it clean sweeping yet Another secret of the family under the rug. Everyone who meets her thinks she’s the Nicest small little Asian woman ever but she’s far from it. She brainwashed her extended family against me and they all say constantly how Sorry they feel for her yet Never acknowledge the Abuse I myself have endured. I tried going out there to stay with them but came back after my aunt’s and cousin’s husbands made passes on me. Each man I meet wants me for just sex and nobody sees me beyond that. Sometimes I hate myself. But I have to keep going for the sake of my kids.

  48. I feel the same. It was a great comment. Thank you. My narcissistic mother has managed, once again, to drain the life out of me tonight.
    I stupidly phoned, as always. She never calls unless she wants something. I try & try & try. It always BLOWS UP IN MY FACE.
    I am now 58 & have one brother. Otherwise known as The Golden Child ( in her eyes ) but I think he & I have a good relationship.
    However, I WONT WALK AWAY. I have put up with her behaviour for 50 plus years. Nothing is ever good enough. Critizes EVERYTHING. Looks down on people I care about. So, in summing up…… I have done my time & feel I have earnt my inheritance ten fold.
    I will “contest” if she does one last thing from the grave & has changed her Will. Over the years, she has sold ( without my consent ) items left to me by my maternal grandmother. At the time I left them in her care as I had a toddler & many items were antique/ precious.
    Her reaction to my shock that they had been sold. ” Don’t over react as you always do.” Basically, end of discussion.
    It so tiring. Finacially, after all the negativity & mental abuse & will not let her insult me ‘one last time’ & will stand my ground.
    So this Forum has helped me understand I am not alone.
    I thank you all:) xx

    Comments/ Thoughts?

  49. I feel like I could have written everything you wrote. I hope you are still doing better than ever being no contact.

  50. I can relate to every word you wrote. My mom was and still is a cruel narcissist and my dad was an enabler of her cruelty. I have survived for 60 years but I never lived. Her tactics took too much away from me and I was too old before I realized how much she and my dad hurt me everyday of my life through cruel indifference and manipulation. I know now they never ever loved me and the child in me that loved both of them with all my heart is dead and gone. They only used me for their own gain and then discarded me like an old shoe. They never even knew me. Never talked to me. Never cared about me or my dreams. Only themselves. They went to church every Sunday. Had tons of money. Married 63 years. But they had no ability to love and nurture. Only controlled and used you like a work horse. I was a good daughter. Made good grades. Worked in their business from the time I was 12 years old all through college. Graduated and took care of myself for 30 years with no support from them. Never even had a speeding ticket. Never did drugs. Never got fired. But because I followed my own dreams and didn’t work for them in their business for minimum wage all my life they cared nothing about me and then disinherited me from their $6 million estate. No explanation given. Had no idea I was no longer a member of the family. I am now sick and feel traumatized that they could want to hurt me again even in death. Their cruelty never ends.

  51. Hi Kit, I know you posted s year ago but I’ve just read it and feel compelled to respond! I wish I knew at your age that my mom was a narcissist. I’m 44 and have just figured it out in the last year or so. I moved 10 hours away from her when I was 26 and it was the very best thing for me…my life really began then. I wish I’d had the strength to cut my ties back then. I certainly wanted to at times. She would trigger me with her guilt, demands, lies etc. and then turn it all around as a demonstration of how horrible I am. I always felt bad for not being enough for her, not spending enough time with her, not calling enough etc. nothing I do is ever enough! I am currently deciding to go no contact and it’s so scary. I’ve been doing lower contact since I discovered NPD and educated myself, including some counselling. Now, after yet another screaming phone call, I’m almost ready to choose myself over her. I have a family now and it is not fair to them to stay in contact. It’s just so hard. I recommend that you do it, though, and feel inspired by your new freedom. Happiness awaits! Don’t wait another 20 years like me. Oh, and btw, I also used to have dreams of raging in my mother and sometimes slapping or punching her while bawling my eyes out. Those are awful dreams because that’s not who we are. I think it’s the subconscious trying to exorcise our pain, showing us that emotional abuse is as real as physical abuse.

  52. Wow! I am blown away from the outpouring of comments from children of a narcisstic parent. I have had a no-contact with my Mother since April, 2016. My father was in the hospital and had taken a turn for the worst. They had been divorced for the past 40 years and he despised her. She shows up at the hospital when I have gone to get some rest and my cousin tells her that I had left numerous messages for her not to come. She keeps walking into the room and wakes my father up and asks him if he knows who she is with her enabling husband in tow. I have to think a normal Mother would be more interested in caring for her children. Not my mother. Afterwards, she calls my daughter and my brother to tell them she is done with me and if my father passes, she will not come to the funeral or send flowers. 2 days later, my father passes and I instructed my brother to tell Mother she is NOT to attend the funeral or send flowers. I will stand by my words of not wanting her at the hospital and I will make her stand by her words. Needless to say, I have never been so devastated at a time of losing my father for my Mother to try to make it about her. Not only did she not attend(which I requested), but she told her family and none of my Aunts, Uncles or cousins attended the funeral or reached out to me, which was very hurtful.

    I made a decision on the day I buried my father that I also buried my mother. Since then, she continues to send her flying monkeys to try to have contact with her and also sending me cards. I have NOT responded to her at all. My brother, who I have a good relationship with and is also the golden child called me to tell me that Mother had tried to call me and her numbers had been blocked. I have blocked her phone numbers or anyone associated with using their phone to call me. I know how she operates and knew it would be a matter of time that she does these things and then will call me. I knew this time was going to be different and she is going to play the victim again when she brought all this on herself. She takes no responsibility or ownership for her actions, but pours all the drama into how she can create the victim. All my life, I have tried to keep my Mother at arms length because I realized you could not let her in too close and that worked at times. I totally underestimated her for doing what she did with my father dying. This was a time in my life that she could have been the hero and decided to be a zero.

    She made it made it easier for me by letting my brother and daughter know that she was done with me and my response to her “Thank you, I am done with you, too.” I’ve wondered is she is telling everyone that I’m just like my daddy, since she had thrown it up in my face so many times over the years and I would always thank her. This is the same woman who raised me to hate my father growing up as a manipulation tactic for control. Only after I turned 18, I realized I could trust my father and he truly loved me. My mother was very jealous of the relationship I had with my father. I love my mother and forgive her, but I do not have to have anything to do with her. I pray for peace and comfort everyday.

    Tomorrow is a new day for a healthy well-being…..

  53. “So, in summing up…… I have done my time & feel I have earnt my inheritance ten fold.
    I will “contest” if she does one last thing from the grave & has changed her Will.”

    I would not expect a dime from her. She will very likely pull a Joan Crawford on you and leave you nothing. If you can indirectly tell a family member this (so she doesn’t have a chance to rebut) while she is still alive that her money means nothing to you. Then YOU will have won. Money is all she has left to try and torture you with. She is the aging POS who gets pleasure from hurting others. Walk away. People like this are toxic poison to be avoided.

    Been there done that and happier than I ever was near my own machiavellian, narcissist and the flying monkey family members she used to twist her knife.

  54. Are you in touch with other family members? You might want to reconsider if they are in touch with your abuser(s). I had to go cold turkey against my entire family to cut off the pipeline of information the narcissists used to try and rattle my cage because I wouldn’t have anything to do with them.

    I have been so much happier without them in my life. Fire forges the steel. I would have liked to have a normal family but it was not to be. My spouse, friends and pets fill that place very well. I’m sorry I didn’t cut the ties sooner.

  55. Hi Claire
    HOw are you faring, have you been able to reunite with your children, my heart goes out to you. Once I climb out of this I feel the need to dedicate myself to truly assisting people like yourself in the courts to protect victims of narcissistic supposed “grandparents” – vultures I call them, who care truly very little for their actual grandchildren in these cases.
    I was re-reading the wisdom of Dr Martinez Lewi because she truly understands the horror of being a daughter to a narcissistic mother. I have been very frightened to go from LC to NC with my own mother now for several years. Seems my fear has been validated just recently. Last November in an ill fated attempt to reach out to my sister, (having read abut flying monkies, but held out hope she still loved me as a her sister since she gave me a sweet gift for my birthday last year and seemed happy to see me at a few events since we all lost our older sister tragically a few years ago) So since the winter holidays were approaching, hubby and I decided to treat the family to some warm weather as a change of pace instead of shovelling and trying to drive to various relatives in bad weather, snow and ice. So I sent a picture of my younger daughter and I getting some sun. However I prefaced it with “please do not send this out to anyone or put up on social media thanks) In fact I referred to our mother when she asked about that, and specifically “not to be shared with Patricia” She called me later. So I thought oh this is nice, we can stay in touch and have a relationship on our own terms withut meddling. And I even thought maybe it would lead us to a more close relationship someday. Well my wishful thinking and thoughtfulness got me in a whole lot of pain! She phone me later that afternoon and raged at me for calling our mother patricia (!?) She suddently had amnesia about the abuse she suffered in our childhoods. I was shocked and saddened. She has not reached out since. I got weak on her bday and sent an “I love you sis happy birthday” to which she responded. But I kind of regret that now. What I have been failing to see is that, both ‘mother’ and ‘sister’ are keenly aware that text and email as well as ‘snail mail’ is recorded forever. Of course it is. But the raging verbal abuse via phonecall was not. (Unless I had recorded it somehow which I do not know how to do) So now I am realizing the politeness I may be mistaking for kindness and bonding is not that at all. It is all the social graces they fools themselves into thinking count as being a decent sister, mother etc that are truly all it is. I understand now why my heart was hurt by both of them, mostly mother because I now have reason to believe that she i a psychopath with narcissistic traits. Sister I feel is more of a narcisist, groomed in p-paths image. Nevertheless heartbrokenly I am coming to the sad truth both of them are sick and pathological and very toxic to my health and well being. I even thought the trauma bonding my sister and I had some of that growing up with mother would at least connect us. It actually doesn’t. Well since November, it is nothing but silent treatment, in fact, from both sisters and mother. Mother does it out of toxic “ignoring” because she does not actually care about my wellbeing at all. She thinks she bought and owned me. But the less I contact her, the more enraged she gets. I just rec’d a text directed at my children anouncing she thinks “their mother” me) may not let her see them again, and their is an inheritance for them. It was a very long text. In it she says she thinks their dad has engulfed them in a cult (their father has begin reading the bible and heeding the wisdom of Christ so he can follow a more morally sound path. also joining a community church is NOT cult-ish, altho she is a catholic- which some consider a large cult in itself, I have no opinion either way, it is stunning how manipulative this text was however) Their dad was taught to gamble and he no longer does since reading scripture, just to put this into perspective. He brother would go to nudy bars, and he turned him down – another example. See the manipulation? NArcissists have no true comprehension of higher moral grounding, what it means to live a sound life by doing right by their own souls or others, they only mimic this. Anyway not sure what triigered this “text” but it was a letter to my own children. She also told them she considered hiring a private eye to check on their “living conditions”. She knows we live in a well appointed home in a very safe neighborhood with quality neighbors we have gotten to know, and joined a community of families for socialising that are well known in our area (??) And we are not into alternative lifestyles, drug addicts, nothing of the sort and she KNOWS this. Its all because I did not provide her my mailing address, just the PO Box several months ago in my attempt to go LC. Hmm, I guess her diminishing power and control over me could be the precursor to the accusations. What scares me now is she may have now tried to get people to think untrue lies about us, only because of her desires for power and control and that she wants pictures of herself with my children to post on social media to “validate” her version of herself- which I am now disallowing due to my concerns of privacy and safety. I will for now, pray for legal protection to the victims of narcissistic so-called grandparents, who are the ageing parents of abuse victims trying to subvert the realtionship between authentic healthy mother and child or parent and child. If anyone has discovered a way to legally protect themselves from the “grandparent wolves” who have the audacity to tear mother from child (They are sick and evil) I’d be obliged to hear of it.
    Also thank you again Dr Martinez-Lewi for the counsel you provided me several months ago, meant very much to me, I could sense your compassion as well as your wisdom!

Comments are closed.