Uncategorized - The Narcissist In Your Life

Narcissistic Mothers-Missing A Heart

The narcissistic mother is a special breed. Each narcissistic mother is unique as an individual but their characterlogical traits are commonly identifiable. Outstanding traits include emotional coldness and distance, a complete lack of empathy, extreme sense of entitlement, faulty psychological boundaries which mean a disrespect for the individuality of their children, highly controlling and manipulative. Some narcissistic mothers remind me of military field commanders—shouting out orders, making constant demands, humiliating those who don’t jump to the sound of their voice.

The infant and small child thrives in an environment of affection, warmth, tolerance and acceptance. The essential beginnings are what is called a holding environment in which the baby is physically and psychological held. Mother is attuned to his needs on every level. She is preoccupied with her infant. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott,coined the term “maternal preoccupation” to describe the necessary attention and ministration that a “good enough” mother (or mother surrogate) must pay to the infant in order for this person to thrive physically, emotionally, neurologically and psychologically.

With a narcissistic mother there is neither maternal preoccupation nor an adequate holding environment. The narcissistic mother is incapable of these roles. She may go through the motions but her attention is elsewhere (on herself and her needs and desires). She is bored, restless, distracted, annoyed, emotionally distant, aggravated with a helpless creature that is constantly making demands on her attention. In some cases there is a nanny, aunt, or other family member who sufficiently fulfills this role for the baby. I have heard from children of narcissistic mothers who have told me that their real mother was a nanny or babysitter. In some cases an older brother or sister with a compassionate heart will play the mother role sufficiently to fulfill the infant’s needs. In other instances the father steps into the void to “mother” his baby.

Children of narcissistic mothers grieve for the mother they never had. The mother wound is cuts deep and painfully. Some adult children numb out their feelings of loss and deprivation. There is a place inside of them that cannot feel, that is anesthetized because the original mother wound was so devastating.

Some adult children of narcissistic mothers seek to know the truth of their pain and follow it to the source. They grieve their loss of the mother they could have had and mourn the mother they got. Some of these children work through these maternal deprivations through psychotherapy, the development of a meditation practice, use of their creativity and other healing modalities.

There are adult children who continue to struggle with the fact that they cannot believe that they had a mother who was missing a psychological heart. Others learn to mother themselves and to appreciate their true natures and gifts. There are adult children who help to heal the psychological wounds of others—to give them back their lives.

We were born from the parents we got but we are molded and refined out of the crucible we made with our minds, hearts, guts, and souls to work through the past to become open, receptive and fully present every moment.Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Men-Psychologically Seduced by Their Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic men are always on the prowl, the search for the perfect woman. She must be beautiful, even ultra-gorgeous, adoring of him, compliant and willing to be manipulated and follow his orders. There are many women in this category who have made this decision to put their lives and destinies in absolute alignment with a narcissistic partner. The psychological truth about the nature of narcissistic men and their attitude toward women is the reverse from the image that is perpetuated.

When the narcissistic mother chooses a son as the perfect child, the answer to all of her dreams, this is fateful for her child’s life and for every woman with whom this budding narcissist will have a partnership or marriage. There is a deep psychopathology between narcissistic mothers and their chosen sons. Although there is no literal seduction in most cases of the son, the narcissistic mother is erotically and psychologically fused with him. In these family constellations, the husband has been neutered by the narcissistic wife. These women keep their spouses around for image purposes and the lifestyle and secure financial arrangements.

The narcissistic mother does not make a distinction that he is separate from her. She possesses him like an indispensable object. Architect Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother referred to her son as her Prince. This is the classic role of the chosen narcissistic son. The enmeshed son is flattered by this form of adoration and feels an enhanced ego as a result of his mother’s extraordinary attentions. Beneath the surface in the unconscious the narcissistic son despises his mother for harnessing him to her. Another byproduct of this use of the son as an object of adoration and psychological imprisonment is the narcissist’s hatred of women in general which originates from their fear of women. Much of this comes from the primal narcissistic mother’s pulling the puppet strings of her son’s life. He has become her creation.

Inside these narcissistic sons are empty, feel restless, enraged and worthless. They have never been allowed to develop as authentic human beings. The psychological seduction by the narcissistic mother foments a hatred of her that lies deep in the unconscious of the narcissistic son.The narcissistic mother never allows her son to become a real man. She severely damages his manhood with her erotic promise of complete psychological fusion. This is devastating to the narcissist. The emasculated narcissistic son spends his life taking advantage of women–wooing them, seducing them, discarding them–one right after the other. He cheats on women, treats them with disrespect, uses them as objects and eclipses their lives. The narcissistic mother’s damage to her son lives long after her in the ravaging effects the narcissist has on every woman that he brings into his life. Learn to identify and deal with narcissistic men and narcissistic women. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Makovers-Do Not Be Fooled

I have heard many stories about the fabled professional deaths and resurrections of narcissists. After they have burned all of your bridges, stolen hours of your life, created maximum stress that leaves you in a chronic fight or flight mode, you hear that the narcissist who completely disrupted your life and almost stole your soul is now flourishing once more—another resurrection. He or she has changed the image once more. Now the narcissist is more low key, looking better physically, more disciplined. He/she appears to be more considerate and oriented toward the needs of others. This is pure act–another ruse, a phony reincarnation that is designed to wipe out his misdeeds, betrayals and destruction to others in the past. Freshly born, the narcissist is ready for another opening night. Many of his past associates who have laid on their swords and been burned are ready to go back into the trenches with him. Such is the force of the narcissistic personality and the proof of his cunning. With their complete lack of introspection and no clues about their inner selves, the narcissist knows exactly how to produce the right bait for those whom he plans to reel in. He is creating another empire–the greatest of all and everyone wants to be on board for the next unveiling. This is narcissistic delusion. This bodes ill for those who throw their destinies in with him once more. He/she will snatch what he wants and must have, even if he has to steal it and impoverish the lives of others. When the curtain falls and everyone thinks he is toast, the narcissist rises from the ashes-a malicious phoenix. To learn to protect yourself from the ruses, exploitations and malevolent behaviors of narcissists, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Vengeance Has No Boundaries

Narcissists are very different from those who do not suffer from this personality disorder. On the surface, in social and business settings they appear to be competent, sociable, even brilliant and innovative. Most people are fooled by narcissists. There is a dark side of the narcissist that is concealed from his public image and act.
This appears most often in private with his spouse, children and other family members. His fangs also come out with business associates who have gained on him. He/she will do anything to maintain and enhance his his power and financial moves up to the headiest levels, This can mean that he will purposely defame, create whole cloth lies about an associate’s private life that smear his personal reputation and cast doubt on his mental and psychological adequacy. If the narcissist has access to the prospective victim’s superiors and is convincing in his lies to those at the top, there is a good chance that he will threaten the associate’s current professional position and jeopardize his opportunities in the future.

Narcissists often seek revenge, especially in marital situations that have gone sour. They will insist on having full custody of children they don’t love and never wanted in the first place because they are furious with the other spouse. They want revenge and find the cruelest ways to perpetrate these psychological crimes. A narcissist will use their court fights for custody of their children to emotionally harm their spouses.The narcissist is merciless in his willingness to instigate lies, destroy reputations, taint your personal life so that he can get back of you. He wants to continue to use his children to demonstrate that he is a perfect, responsible father who is the better parent. Mediators, attorneys, judges and therapists in some instances are duped into believing the narcissist’s lies and accusations. Find the best attorney you can. So often women are sabotaged by choosing a lawyer who is not up to this level of battle and the toxic quality of the deceit that the narcissist is willing to use against his now enemy.

Prepare for these circumstances by understanding every facet of the narcissistic personality. Know that they are unlimited in the tricks and deceptions that they will pull. Be ready for them with your knowledge. Practice centering yourself through yoga, meditation and having a special support group. Interview as many attorneys as you need to so that you will choose someone who is up to this battle. This professional must be masterful at family law but also have a deep understanding of how narcissists operate and know that there isn’t anything they will not pull. The attorney must be contained, composed, highly professional with excellent people skills as well as keen intuition. He or she must be fair to you in charging what is fair. That tells you about the quality of his/her character.

Strengthen yourself on every level with cardiovascular exercise, walking, gentle yoga, meditation practice, other forms of healing modalities. Be positive and ask for internal guidance, especially the power of your intuition. Remain steady. Be kind to yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Use Shock to Control You

Narcissists are predictably unpredictable. Even clinicians who have researched and studied the narcissistic personality disorder for years, at times find their outrageous tactics to be shocking. There are no limits to the emotional, financial and psychological chaos that they purposely cause. Just when you think you have a handle on a particular narcissist, he/she will give you the shock treatment. You think a divorce is final after fifteen yours. The papers are signed, the judge has gone home, the witnesses have retired, you are exhausted —guess what? They’re back! With another demand, accusation, recrimination, filthy bag of lies. The more you learn in depth about the narcissistic personality disorder the less you will be dismayed, disappointed and hurt by the narcissist’s disgusting trickery.

One of your best offenses is to develop a strong sense of yourself as separate from this individual and psychological boundaries that must be respected at all times. Learning to quiet the mind through walking or sitting meditation is an excellent way to gain a sense of detachment from the constant dramas that these individuals initiate. You are in charge of your life. You are no longer dancing to their tune. You don’t jump when they speak nor are you afraid of the narcissist anymore. Become accustomed and appreciate the real you that has always been there. Give yourself credit for this transformation. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Let Narcissists Exploit You—Take Charge of Yourself and Your Life

It is easy, almost automatic to be impressed with individuals who have the full package–confidence, affability, smooth social graces, a convincing act that they are genuinely interested in you. I am speaking about narcissistic personality disorders who are on the fast track to power and success. They are so clever at attracting the exact people they need to make them successful and powerful. Many of them begin by marrying a person who has all of the right qualities and connections that will lead them to their highly ambitious goals.

Many individuals are ensnared in the narcissist’s net. They are enchanted by this unique human being who has no sense of limits, who conjures up large concepts, who is fearless and supremely confident. Many remain under the spell of the narcissist despite the control he/she places on their lives. Narcissists create a magic around them that fools most of those close to them. They are famous for making big promises that often don’t come to fruition. If you live with a narcissist you are being exploited. Your time is not your own. The narcissist is making continuing impossible demands on you that create overwhelming stress. Your life is being used by the narcissist to exploit every aspect of your person. These individuals attempt to take over your life and in many cases they succeed. Some spouses falter physically and psychologically under the constant demands, manipulations, outrageous intimidations that are laid at your feet by the narcissist. The narcissist is basically communicating to his partner—-either you do it my way or you’re out of the picture. I can easily find someone else. Some of those who communicate with me feel as if the narcissist is trying to steal their soul or what they call the most sacred part of themselves.

Remember you have alternatives. Regardless of the number of years you have been captive to the narcissist, you have the option to sever this pathological relationship and take charge of your own life. You are entitled to lead a life that is full of hope, serenity, use of your creative gifts, spontaneous self expression, laughter and joy. I have heard some heartening stories from those who have taken these steps. They are grateful that they took back their lives as individuals. They are unencumbered and free. They feel greater emotional security, hopefulness about the present and future and deep inner peace. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Rage Harms Spouses and Children

“The force of narcissistic rage is cataclysmic, designed to leave no survivors. The timing of its eruptions is unpredictable. There is no chance to escape and run for cover. The victim feels invaded even assaulted. The aftermath causes emotional pain and devastation.” (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.)

Narcissistic Men-Fulfilling Every Sexual Desire

Narcissists are always hungry for narcissistic supplies. One great focus for them is finding new and exciting sexual partners, despite the fact that they are married. That doesn’t enter their minds. They will get what they want, no matter what. They give into their impulses—They are entitled to fulfill every wish and desire. Often, they might seek out the likes of Melbourne Escorts to satisfy their carnal urges. A narcissist may look like a family man, presenting the perfect picture of the great husband and father. But this is part of the elaborate image that he projected on to the world and most others to protect his perfect persona. Narcissist don’t have a conscience. They are restless people who are always on the hunt for excitement and thrills. Many of them are great risk takers in the sexual department, some even looking to take medication like to help–it’s all very thrilling for them. In their minds if they feel like having an affair, a brief fling, or a mistress and one night stands on the side, that’s their business even if they are the father of minor children. After all they show up for some of their children’s school and social activities. And their attitude toward their wives is: this woman is lucky to have me. I make her life so much better. I provide her with the best lifestyle–a great home, trips, fantastic social events. What else could she want. She has her career and I have mine. The narcissist man compartmentalizes his life especially if he is an addictive womanizer. Without a conscience and no basic respect for or concern that he will psychologically damage his wife and children, the narcissist feels free to act on his sexual impulses and satisfy his appetites. He is so arrogant he knows he will never get caught. He’s too smart for that. Besides, life is very boring, sharing it with one woman. The male narcissist knows he is entitled to having as many women as he chooses. He is strongly attracted to each woman for different reasons. When a particular girlfriend no longer appeals to him, he discards her like an inanimate object. She is removed from his life to make room for the next wave of women who will satisfy his sexual and psychological needs.

Narcissists are infantile. They are psychologically regressed and will not change. Current society is fascinated by these philanderers and if they are famous, some in their audience are envious of their sexual exploits. Narcissistic men don’t think about the dreadful emotional consequences to their children of this kind of promiscuous behavior can cause.Narcissists are too preoccupied with themselves to think about these matters.Narcissists are selfish children who life in the physical form of adults. When they are caught, the narcissist may say that he is sorry if he has caused emotional pain to his family but this is not true. He is simply mouthing what he has to say to protect his image. Narcissists are loyal to no one—only themselves. They cannot be trusted on any level. They will not change. These personality disorders are highly fixed and intractable. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist-Ultimate Controller

Narcissist King is in his castle; Narcissist Queen is in her castle. Some narcissists build monuments to themselves that represent their power and perfection. In business they succeed by surrounding themselves with compliant individuals who are answerable only to him or her. They have no mind of their own.

At home the narcissist is Chief Intimidator. he barks out the orders. The non-narcissistic spouse has no say. If she speaks up, watch out for the eruption of volcanic rage. A child with a stronger personality is these families is going to be psychologically abused and discarded. The narcissistic father uses this child as an example of what can happen to the others if they don’t obey without question.

If you grew up with a narcissistic mother/father tyrant you have suffered psychological wounds that require healing. Know what you deserve—to be treated as a unique individual who is respected and valued. Don’t repeat this dysfunctional pattern. Many of these children marry narcissists! Find healing practices that work you, including gentle yoga, meditation, quality psychotherapy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Scapegoated Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Narcissistic Daughters

We would expect that a child would feel safe in her home. This is not the case with a child who has been put in the victim role by her narcissistic mother. Narcissistic mothers are completely absorbed with themselves. Many of them have children to enhance their image of having a perfect family. The work of raising, nurturing and protecting one’s child is expected and essential. The narcissistic mother often turns her daughter(s) over to babysitters or nannies when the child is very young, even an infant. She makes sure that friends and acquaintances believe that she is a devoted mother. She talks about her daughter, pretending that she is emotionally invested in her child. This is not the case. If one of her daughters has been chosen by mother as the special one, her treatment of this child is completely different. This daughter is privileged from infancy.Mother is fixated on this child who holds the promise of being a perfect replica of herself. Narcissistic mothers choose this special little girl for various reasons; physical beauty, mental brilliance, charm and magnetism that win people over.

Narcissistic mothers often rule the family. Father is present in name only. He is a fixture in his own house. Some of these fathers are workaholics and prefer to be away from home than to deal with the cold harsh temperament of this woman.

The narcissistic mother deals with her unconscious fury by projecting it on to a daughter whom she has picked as a scapegoat. It is not unusual for the victim to be a highly sensitive little girl. She has no defense against the ridicule, demeaning verbal assaults of these highly disturbed mothers. This situation can become more traumatic if the narcissistic mother and her narcissistic daughter join forces in the taunting and humiliation of this child. I have heard from adult daughters scapegoated in this manner. Their stories are heartrending. Many of them survive by entering the world of books, art, uses of the imagination. Some are fortunate to have a special friend whom they can visit often enough to take the psychological pressure off of them for short times.

Adult daughters who survive the narcissistic mother wars are incredible psychological warriors. Many of them experience symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome and spend years in the aftermath of these traumas and their efforts to heal. Individuals who have been through such a prolonged ordeal need our understanding and compassion. Many of them find their way to healing through support groups, participate in psychotherapy, work with healing modalities–gentle yoga, walking and sitting meditation, The deeper our understanding of the true nature of narcissistic mothers the better we are prepared to help ourselves in the process of healing from these highly pathological family constellations. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com