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Growing up the daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult roles in life. These non mothers cause both emotional and psychological abuse as well as maternal deprivation. These women can’t mother. They suffer from a severe personality disorder that is fixed and will likely never change. It is unfortunate that they become mothers in the first place. In some cases the father takes the role of both parents and the children bond with him and receive affection and love from this person. We only need one parent and often dad is the one. Some children are raised by a grandparent who takes on the mothering role.

Narcissistic mothers are very mean in different ways. Some of them completely ignore their children and treat them like servants, making them become little adults very early—learning how to cook, clean and fetch and carry anything mama wants and needs on the spot. These women often scream incessantly at their children and are not above cuffing them in the face when their low impulse control takes over. They are never sorry. They put on the perfect act in public and neighbors and friends often think they are wonderful mothers. Cruelties, maternal deprivation, deceitfulness, turning one child against another–you name it and they perpetrate these unspeakable deeds and emotional wounds upon their children. These psychological wounds linger in the mind and heart for children of narcissistic mothers. However, there are many who heal. They permanently break the tie literally and emotionally with their non-mother. Some of them find healing through excellent psychotherapy and learning to get out of the fight or flight mode through gentle hatha yoga and meditation and other healing modalities. Some of the most compassionate individuals I have known are children of narcissistic mothers. Always take good care of yourself, cherish your kindness and feel your heart open. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Image is the narcissist’s reality. He builds this up throughout his life. How he appears to others is critical to his sense of self. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. His inner life is bleak. He has no internal psychological resources. Many narcissists are obsessed with obtaining material things—cars, houses, clothing of the highest quality.Everything that they touch must be special since they view themselves as perfect. Go into a restaurant with a narcissist and you will him giving the server the third degree unless he is in a familiar haunt where he is treated like royalty. Narcissists treat those in what he would consider “inferior positions” —real working people–like dirt. This is one of the red flags of narcissism–how a person treats those who do not have the education, money, social or professional status they have. I am always astounded by those who firmly believe they are better than someone else—-Really!!! How infantile–How Narcissistic!

His external environment must be beyond perfection. He’s like the old nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Six Pence: “The King was in his counting house, counting out his money…”
Narcissists are always counting and appraising their possessions—even their wives. Yes, if you are married to a narcissist you are a possession–a very valuable one that is part of his perfect image. It is essential that wives of narcissists keep themselves looking and acting that way or they will be replaced. Even if you remain is wife, the narcissist will not be faithful to you. Compartmentalizing women is part of their MO. They love the thrill of possessing more than one woman at a time.

How long are you willing to give up your life to the narcissist—to dance to his choreography, to bow to his highness, to be screamed at incessantly, to always be wrong (when you are right) to be blamed for everything, even a rain shower, to be kept up at night because you are too stressed to sleep because you don’t know when or where the next blow is coming from? Are you willing to risk you physical and psychological health? Many women do. I hear from them and some remain the narcissistic spouses’ possession.

Think about the value of your life as an individual. Speak to your intuition and listen carefully for an answer. Talk to someone whom you trust completely. Be kind to yourself and begin to make a plan of action. You will prevail. You are not possessed by anyone. You are a unique human being of great value. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Maternal psychological attachment is the secure, loving bond that the mother forms with her baby. This provides the child with a feeling of safety and predictability. Mother becomes the child’s psychological home base. Narcissistic mothers do not bond with their children. They are incapable of forming a genuine relationship. Their focus is on themselves. They may go through the motions but their feelings are not invested in their infant. In some instances if the narcissistic mother has chosen a particular child to use as a narcissistic supply then she will become a puppet in the mother’s hands.

Daughters of narcissists talk and write about how coldly and dismissively they were treated as children and adults. Mother was the Queen Bee; she always came first. She had no way of attuning to the needs of her child. Being a mother was an encumbrance to her, a burden. Some narcissistic mothers are so cruel and vain that they were sorry they ever had children who kept their figure from remaining perfect or took time away from their personal enjoyments, trips, shopping, professional advancement.

As a result daughters of narcissistic mothers have not bonded with their mothers. Some of them find that their father is the one to whom they can attach. Others look to siblings who serve in the maternal role. Others have no one and simply grow up psychologically on their own. They may have every material advantage in the world but they don’t have a real mother.

Lack of maternal attachment can cause problems with daughters later on in their intimate relationships. They tend to pick men who are not protective of them, who are unstable and abusive. They don’t feel worthy of being in a relationship with someone who is capable of loving them.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are capable of attaching to others and forming deep relationships. This is often possible through the hard work they have done with themselves and through excellent psychotherapy. Part of the healing here is in recognizing that your mother was incapable of psychological attachment, that this was not a reflection of your worthiness or value as an individual and that you are highly capable of loving other human beings deeply. You are not your narcissistic mother. You are yourself–a unique wonderful human being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Covert Narcissists convincingly play the part of the victim. Some of them become the “martyr” as an ultimate way of controlling others– especially their spouses. How can someone raise their voice to a person is hurting so much. CNs move back and forth in this role depending on how well it is working for them. In effect they blame their spouse for the very cruelties that they have perpetrated. A CN can be screaming ugly epithets at you one moment and convincingly asking you showing that they have been severely emotionally hurt by you the next moment. This is particularly the case when they are under a lot of pressure, when you have decided to divorce them and are moving for a settlement. They play the victim role to the hilt. They tell family members, your friends, everyone in reach how badly you have treated them, about your monstrous cruelties, your insensitivity and lack of empathy, your emotional coldness. This martyr role is convincing on a lot of people in your social circle. They are playing the victimized good guy who has been emotionally harmed by you. When a divorce is in process, this ploy can be very effective. Do not be surprised at the lengths the CN will go to convincing others that you are the villain because you are breaking up the family.

In some cases the spouses stops in her tracks and decides to make a try a couples therapy and fight to get the marriage on track. That’s how powerful their method acting can be. Never be fooled. This is a narcissistic personality who is playing one of his best cards–the good guy, great husband and ultimate martyr. You know differently. You remember the horrible cruelties visited on you by this toxic narcissist. You have lived behind closed doors with this person and been the victim of his manipulations, accusations, criticisms and exploitations. Hold on to the truth. Do not be swayed. You are entitled to lead your own life and be free of your covert narcissistic spouse. Remember that this personality disorder does not change. Some divorcing spouses benefit from high quality psychotherapy. De your research and choose the right therapist for you. Begin to think about yourself first. Leave the CN with his worn out act behind.

Lead the life that you deserve.Now you are free to think you own thoughts, have your feelings and use all of your creative gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

“The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone…All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive…” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

The narcissist’s charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say “no”. You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.

There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade–the highly developed false self. Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough—-marry one, have children with them–you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.

Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.

Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else’s vision. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You have heard the expression that blood is thicker than water–that our “kin” is closer to us than anyone else because we share the same DNA and family history. This is not the case, especially when we grow up in a family of narcissists. If you were raised in this type of pathological family constellation, you knew early that your mother, father, siblings, etc. were not on your side. You knew that you would be betrayed if you dared to share confidences with them. You could not depend on your narcissistic mother to nurture, protect or care about you. Your siblings were highly competitive against you. These young narcissists saw you as weak and inferior and treated you in kind. There are innumerable life stories of brutal childhoods that the victims of narcissistic family members endure.

Narcissistic relatives pull the rug out from under us as often as possible. They absolutely can’t be trusted. You may think you know them–even a mother or father or spouse but they have secret agendas. They make empty promises, drawing you in to believe in them. The time comes and they revoke what they have sworn they would do. They make excuses; they tell you there was a misunderstanding and you were wrong. They accuse you of fabrications. Narcissists live in total delusion of their own making They never deal with the truth.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. You will discover some family members in all the pages of your reading. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always tell you the truth. Believe in your perceptions and know that your narcissistic relatives will never change. You cannot have genuine relationships with them. You will form other relationships that are meaningful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Those who move forward despite all of the strum and drang, the intimidations, tricks, ploys, ambushes, etc. involved in moving through the rocky road through a divorce with a narcissistic spouse win the gold medal. This is one of the most difficult passages on your journey to end your relationship with a narcissistic personality. As you know they try and execute every trick, lie, ruse, fear tactics in the book. Some narcissists are so creatively cruel they have written their own books. You have stood up and been undaunted despite all of the onslaughts. You have kept faith in yourself. You have out fought and out witted the narcissist. You have spent many days and nights studying the narcissistic personality and it has paid off. You have learned to be in command of yourself. You now know who you really are—a strong, steady genuine individual who cannot be defeated no matter what. You are free now to pursue your life, to use all of your creative gifts and visions, to manifest the original self–the person you were born to be. Celebrate–lift your arms in victory. Let your heart open and smile. You are victorious. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Whether they are very successful business women or stay at home “mothers” narcissistic women are incapable of mothering. It is tragic that so many of them have had children. I am making this statement as a result of my clinical knowledge of the psychic structure of the narcissist. The narcissistic woman who becomes a “mother” cannot fulfill this role. In some cases these women don’t become mothers and that is very fortunate. Especially at this time—Not every woman must become a mother–especially if this person is not going to be capable of making a secure loving attachment to her child. Lack of attachment, anxious attachment and disturbed attachment will have a profound negative on the child’s psyche.

For the narcissistic woman, giving birth to a child is a great narcissistic supply. If she is a professional, climbing the heights, there area extra bonuses–She does it all! No, that is not the case. If she stays home as the “devoted mother”, then her life revolves around her dear children and the home. Not the case again. Remember, this is a narcissist. Having a child and children raises the narcissistic mother to another level. This creates an indelible image in the minds of others. Her children are so perfect; she is so loving; the family is wonderful. This is all fiction and delusion. The photographs with the smiles and perfect background don’t tell the tale. The real stories come from the women with whom I have communicated who tell me about the horrors of their life histories as daughters of narcissistic mothers. The cruelties, deprivations, insensitivities, dismissive coldness and treacheries are immeasurable. Many of these daughters slowly heal but it is a difficult and long road they travel. These women deserve our respect. They have prevailed over their highly disturbed, malicious, envious narcissistic “mothers.” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

I know of a number of cases, especially during custody disputes when the narcissistic husband (or wife) turns sadistic and gains pleasure and narcissistic supplies by threatening to take your children away from you. In some instances he succeeds because he has the financial resources and the charm and persuasiveness to persuade mediators and judges that he is the better parent. This man or woman doesn’t give a damn about the welfare of his children. He is out for revenge because he gets pleasure from watching you suffer. That is the definition of a sadist. He is seen as the “good father”. He spreads lies about you and may even turn your family members against you.

Arm yourself with as much information as you can about the narcissistic personality. You cannot know enough. Make sure that you have a very savvy attorney who can go up against the narcissist. He will have hired a barracuda of a lawyer who is out for blood.

If you know early that your spouse is a narcissist you may want to end the marriage there before you have children. Being married is one thing—having children is another. Having children with a sadistic narcissist is putting the welfare of your children in jeopardy. If this has already happened, take heart and go into battle fully armed, knowing that you are going to win.Take good care of yourself as well.Form a close knit support group.You can do this. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

It is very difficult for anyone to change—most of all the narcissist. This is a fixed, written in ancient stone personality disorder. The narcissist has defense mechanisms–massive denial, repression and primitive projection that are like barriers of steel. They cannot be penetrated. Once in a while you might see a glimmer of light but that is rare and fleeting. They immediately return to their grand delusions. As they grow older narcisssistic traits become more deeply ingrained. After all they have played this role all of their lives and succeeded in controlling others. Why would they have any motivation to change now? Narcissists have intimidated everyone around all of their lives and gotten their way. They have succeeded in a sense. With the narcissistic style of this current society all of the kudos they receive is not surprising. It is daunting that so many people look up to and are fooled by these individuals.

Narcissists do exactly what they want. Some narcissistic men find that even into their six, seven or eight decades on earth that it is time to have a child with a woman who is many times younger than one of his older children. This boggles many minds but the narcissist pursues his goal. There is no concern that this baby who will be produced in the young womb of his new wife will know a father who is a very old man. That doesn’t matter to the narcissist. What is essential is the ultimate narcissistic supply of the moment: “Let’s have a baby!” This sounds like:”Let’s buy a new house or a fancy new car.” But to have another human being that arises from your seed is the ultimate narcissistic supply. I find this both irresponsible and nauseating. But not eye popping for a superannuated narcissistic man. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]