Covert Narcissists Play Martyr Role

Covert Narcissists convincingly play the part of the victim. Some of them become the “martyr” as an ultimate way of controlling others– especially their spouses. How can someone raise their voice to a person is hurting so much. CNs move back and forth in this role depending on how well it is working for them. In effect they blame their spouse for the very cruelties that they have perpetrated. A CN can be screaming ugly epithets at you one moment and convincingly asking you showing that they have been severely emotionally hurt by you the next moment. This is particularly the case when they are under a lot of pressure, when you have decided to divorce them and are moving for a settlement. They play the victim role to the hilt. They tell family members, your friends, everyone in reach how badly you have treated them, about your monstrous cruelties, your insensitivity and lack of empathy, your emotional coldness. This martyr role is convincing on a lot of people in your social circle. They are playing the victimized good guy who has been emotionally harmed by you. When a divorce is in process, this ploy can be very effective. Do not be surprised at the lengths the CN will go to convincing others that you are the villain because you are breaking up the family.

In some cases the spouses stops in her tracks and decides to make a try a couples therapy and fight to get the marriage on track. That’s how powerful their method acting can be. Never be fooled. This is a narcissistic personality who is playing one of his best cards–the good guy, great husband and ultimate martyr. You know differently. You remember the horrible cruelties visited on you by this toxic narcissist. You have lived behind closed doors with this person and been the victim of his manipulations, accusations, criticisms and exploitations. Hold on to the truth. Do not be swayed. You are entitled to lead your own life and be free of your covert narcissistic spouse. Remember that this personality disorder does not change. Some divorcing spouses benefit from high quality psychotherapy. De your research and choose the right therapist for you. Begin to think about yourself first. Leave the CN with his worn out act behind.

Lead the life that you deserve.Now you are free to think you own thoughts, have your feelings and use all of your creative gifts. Visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
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Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life