Category: Narcissistic Personality

Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a “date.” The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an ambivalence with mother, a love/hate relationship. The male child cannot be free and is emasculated.

Ironically, narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire; they are hungry for more females they can conquer. If they are powerful in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

Narcissistic men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them, cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women. Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after her death. She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

Narcissistic men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man (and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The grandiose narcissist needs to have his/her ego constantly stroked. He knows how to reel people in. He plays to their dependency needs, material desires, their aspirations for wealth and power. He can take one look at a woman and know how to get her under his control. Many women fall for this master of charm with all the gilded promises. With a narcissist you are lead to believe that you life will be unlimited, that you can have every high and pleasurable experience you’ve ever wanted, that you will never have to worry about money, security, social status. You will always be royal. Woman with very successful careers and professions still fall for charming narcissistic men. They become entranced, hypnotized.

The sociopathic narcissist is several steps beyond his classic brother narcissist. He doesn’t have a whiff of conscience. He is involved in illegal activities as part of his lifestyle. He secretly leads a number of lives and has a keen killer instinct. You get in his way and your life is toast. That is the force of his dangerous darkness. He may threaten you openly or keep his plans secret but watch out if you confront him. Those who go along with him are not leading their own lives. They stay there because of all the perks which are a constant distraction like a merry go round that is moving faster and faster. The giddiness of having anything you want is intoxicating.

Sociopathic narcissists are disastrous parents. They are incapable of forming any kind of relationship with them. Sometimes the child looks up to the father or mother because this person is very successful and powerful. Some narcissistic sociopaths choose one child to mirror him. He becomes the golden boy or girl and can do no wrong.

Sociopathic narcissists are psychological killers in business. They terrorize their rivals. They have close allies and partners that make the lives of their competitors a living hell. They step over ethical and legal boundaries all of the time and don’t get caught because they have a coterie of killer instinct sociopathic lawyers.

When you decide to divorce a sociopathic narcissist, make your preparations secretly and take your time to do a lot of research. Interview several attorneys who understand the way these people tick. The soon to be ex is out for blood and will stop at nothing to win. Find an attorney who is not intimidated in the slightest with these personalities, someone who remains calm when the long knives come out. Use all of your resources to get the support you need. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful during this time. Find friends that are available to support you and stick with this ordeal. You will prevail. Keep telling yourself that this is a marathon and you are up to the race and will cross the finish line with a smile on your face. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of (or not) but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms, threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse, sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils. When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you. Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

One of the most difficult roles is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I hear each unique life story from daughters who have endured having a cold, selfish, exploitive and abusive narcissistic mother. This is a non-mother who is incapable of cherishing and providing comfort to her daughter, even when the child was very small. In some cases there are surrogate mothers in the form of grandmothers, older sisters, aunts and even the mothers of friends. But the little girl longs to have the emotional, physical affection and psychological closeness of a real mom. Often the narcissistic mother is envious of her lovely daughter who is beautiful, bright, unique and creative. From the time she is very young, this daughter knows that mother is jealous of her. It is evident in the way she looks at her daughter with envy. Every step of the way she makes it difficult for this daughter to get close to her dad. She has the master gatekeeper. Mother pretends that she wants her husband all to herself. The truth is she doesn’t give a damn about this man. He is an emasculated puppet whom she is using. In some families mother chooses a son to be the golden, very special answer to all of her prayers. He is worshiped from the first. Mother’s eyes light up every time she talks about him. He is never corrected for any mistake or cruelty and is allowed to have the run of the house and the family. Under her breath the daughter calls him “the little beast.” She spends a lot of time staying out of his presence. He always gets her into trouble, constantly telling lies and making her take the blame for his innumerable misdeeds. Mother always believes him.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers feel trapped. Some use their studies as an escape and respite from the emotional maternal deprivation that they suffer and the unwarranted criticisms of the narcissistic mother. Things get worse when the daughter is a teenager and blooms into a lovely young woman. Then the mother daggers come out. Narcissistic mothers become especially cruel when their daughters are admired and paid attention to by boys and young men. As time passes the mother/daughter relationship worsens (It never existed) but the self hatred of the narcissistic mother is primitively projected on to her daughter. The volleys of dreadful remarks, false accusations, humiliations are constantly hitting the abused daughter. Mercifully, many daughters leave home for school or work and at least have the physical distance to keep them away from the narcissistic maternal poison.

It is painful and agonizing for these daughters to realize that they never had a mother. Instead they had a woman who never wanted them, who did all she could to make her feel unloved. As she becomes independent and sets up her own life, these daughters have a decision to make. Are they going to continue this pseudo relationship with the NM for holidays and visits and phone calls and emails that are often accusatory and off the wall snipes at her. NMs don’t change. This is a fixed personality disorder. And mother still believes and always will that she is perfect and her daughter is severely flawed. Some grown daughters manage to maintain a very distant relationship. They make sure they are never alone with mother. That’s when her projections are the most toxic. If she is married she uses her spouse as a buffer. For other daughters of NMs it is impossible. Every time there is any kind of exchange it is ugly and cruel.

Many daughters decide to go No Contact No Visits, Phone Calls, Emails, Texts, Letters, any form of communication. That is how they protect themselves. The difficult work for many of these daughters is in recognizing intellectually and emotionally that they never had a real mother. Some benefit from psychotherapy if it is of a high quality. Others find compassion and deep caring in friendships, partnerships and marriages. Many are freed for the first time in their lives. They are not being judged, rather they can express and feel who they really are. They feel their authenticity, spontaneity and even joy. You deserve to heal from your NM. Your new life is waiting for you. Jump on the boat and take a ride down this glorious river and wait to find even greater beauty, mystery and enchantment around the bend. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The external image of the narcissist is the polar opposite of his/her internal world. On the outside the classic narcissist is frequently physically attractive, highly self confident, overflowing with charm. You feel the strong handshake, the eyes that penetrate your gaze, the rising of the jaw that tells you they are sure of every step. They are in command of their lives, unafraid and sure-footed. They spin phenomenal visions that are fueled by their grandiosity. Many people are fascinated by the narcissist in full bloom, exhibiting all of his persuasive gifts. When you are with a master narcissist you believe that anything is possible and can be accomplished with ease. The narcissistic view of life has no limits. They inspire awe in most people if they are high level narcissists who have mastered control and manipulation of others.

Beneath the glittery, irresistible surface, the inner world of the narcissist is empty, bleak and dark. There is a lifeless quality to the inner narcissist. These individuals are unacquainted with their unconscious feelings about themselves. They have no insight and believe their finely spun delusions. They convince others that they are superior and super human. Their followers are blindly loyal and believe they can do no wrong. Deep in the unconscious the narcissist is drowning in his self loathing and fraudulence. He feels empty and emotionally rudderless.

Pressure, self hatred, psychological lifelessness, unending restlessness and rage build up in the narcissist within the unconscious. The narcissist cannot contain these overpowering feelings so he projects them like bilious vomit on to those in his close environment. This includes his/her spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings and in-laws. When they seethe with volcanic rage, the sounds emitted are bestial. Some of them let loose in public. Others save these ugly, rancorous scenes for private venues.

If you share your life with a narcissist, despite the role that you play, know that this person is never going to change. This is a severe personality disorder that is fixed and rigid. The narcissist lives in a psychological darkness that pulls others down into its depths. His/her demands, hatreds, treacheries, mounting cruelties, crimes of the heart mount as the darkness envelops him. He is unconcerned since the narcissist is out of touch with himself. It is those around him who are devastated by his internal psychological poisons. At the core he is putrid like a corpse that has been lying in the sun, giving off the lingering odor of death and decay. How long will you stay and be disastrously affected by this individual. Are there enough material rewards to cover up the stench of his vile deeds and deceits. Listen and you will hear the voice of your intuition rising, speaking to you in a compelling tone, telling you: “Get out now. Leave. Don’t stay or you will be trapped and lose yourself.”

There are many who have successfully removed themselves from the narcissist’s dark inner world. They have re-discovered themselves as individuals. The cracks of light have lengthened. They are in full light now and traveling a different road. Know that you can leave this dark place, that you don’t belong there.

Like our prehistoric ancestors who carried the miracle of fire from place to place, you have opened the warmth and light that has been waiting to manifest itself. This incandescence cannot be extinguished. Your life has been restored. You are free and open to all that is deep within you. Celebrate, you are re-born. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom