Category: narcississtic personality

Welcome to my blog. This blog contains posts designed to inform and educate visitors how to identify individuals in their personal and professional lives who are narcissists and helps them deal with these egotistical, exploitive, manipulative, duplicitous and deceitful individuals who lack empathy. I am the author of Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life. I have extensive clinical training and experience in narcissistic personality disorders and in helping those who are dealing with them, including spouses, ex-spouses, family members, business associates, friends. I have a doctorate in clinical psychology and am a licensed marriage family therapist. I offer telephone consultation to those who are coping with and endeavoring to heal from their relationships with narcissists. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph. D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com

Narcissists do not own the psychological darkness they create in the lives of others—-grandiose manipulations, betrayals, malicious cruelties. The narcissist is a human tornado, wreaking psychological, emotional and physical havoc wherever he or she goes. Most people are unable to “hear” the warning signals of the oncoming funnel cloud descending on them. They haven’t built protective emotional shelters for themselves. They thought they were safe with the narcissist despite so many warning sirens. . Those who throw their fates in with the narcissist are deluded by him or her, leaving themselves psychologically vulnerable and emotionally disarmed.

Why would the spouses, partners and friends of narcissists trust them? They believe that the narcissist is genuine and if not completely perfect, they excuse his human frailties. The narcissist burnishes his image, presenting himself as a “Good Person.” He is blind to his deceptions and cruelties. His purpose is to set the straightest course possible to satiate his strong appetites for power, control, adulation and monetary rewards.

Here and there, at strategic moments, the narcissist displays a pseudo empathy and understanding that puts the other person off guard. There are kindnesses and gifts of attention and monetary compensations, sprinkled like tiny diamonds on black velvet. They sparkle and dazzle, blinding the insightful eye. Narcissists join charitable organizations and act the humanitarian role. Donating to these institutions is part of their public image as a “compassionate human being.” No one dares to question the purpose of their generosity.

Those who finally wake up to the fact that the narcissist is not a “good person” but a severe personality disorder are the fortunate ones that realize that their lives have been hijacked, their identities stolen. As they tread the path away from the narcissist, they feel freer, lighter, more energetic and peaceful. They were captive birds now thrown to the skies to soar, glide and celebrate their true natures.Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com

Divorcing a narcissist is never easy. That is why so many women and men decide not to take that final step. It feels cataclysmic, like the movement of the tectonic plates along the ring of fire. There are terrors that the molten earth will open and swallow them up. A high powered narcissist, armed with the instruments of his/her power, influence and monetary resources makes the specter of a marital uncoupling loom like a ritual of being drowned and revived in an endless cycle of torture and brief reprieve.

Those who remain married to a narcissist are being abused on many levels whether they are conscious of it or not. Their children are often more aware of the hypocrisy and chaos of the marriage than the narcissist’s partner. The partner is in a state of massive denial. He or she complains, has insomnia, physical symptoms, anxiety attacks, migraines, digestive disorders —-a variety of painful symptoms punctuated by brief awakenings that this arrangement cannot work and is psychologically injurious to her/him and the children. But the voice of denial holds strong and fixed.

Shame speaks loudly in your ear: “It is shameful to be alone; I am ashamed about not leading my accustomed lifestyle; people, even my friends, will think that I am a failure because I have lost my social and economic status.” Many partners equate their lifestyle with their value as an individual. This is a vital part of the personal shame that infiltrates them. It began when they were small children through the chronic neglect, abuse, and cruelties of their parent(s). They experienced constant humiliations perpetrated by mother or father. Other children in the family, some of them narcissists, constantly bullied and terrorized this more sensitive, fragile sibling while the parents turned the other way, ignoring these sadistic behaviors. The psychological residue for a child growing up in these circumstances is a feeling of chronic shame and unworthiness. ” I am bad, unwanted, not worthy”. This is the message the child internalizes and becomes an integral part of his identity.

Marrying a narcissist is an attempt to cover this childhood wound. At first it appears to work. The partner is dazzled by the tremendous self confidence and success of the narcissist who has swept them up to a much better place. As the relationship seasons, the marital house of cards crumbles. The narcissist’s mask of charm and irresistibility, tears, exposing the dark core: a manipulative, selfish, exploitive human being who must be catered to and adored or all hell breaks loose. These moments of revelation of who the narcissist really is and the deleterious effect he or she is having on us, are a transformative opportunity, a gift for making a decision to sever the toxic bond and reclaim your self respect, your peace, your creativity, your entitlement and your power.

Sometimes in life we save ourselves by taking a longer higher leap than we could have imagined in the past. We personally prepare, research the divorce process, find an excellent psychotherapist, gather a supportive network around us, and then propel ourselves forward to land on firm ground to reclaim ourselves. As a result we leave the heavy burden of the personal shame we have carried so long. With renewed strength, we search the horizon, quicken our step, and follow the wide open road ahead. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com

Narcissistic personalities have an ingrained, fixed personality disorder that is very unlikely to change. Their core psychological issues are secured by powerful defense mechanisms and are inaccessible to them. Since they are continually rewarded for their grandiosity, ruthless ambition, and lack of consideration for others, why should they change? They demand perfection and alteration from those who live and work for them. The narcissist feels perfect down to his bones. Any mistakes or misjudgments that are made, he/she lays at the feet of those closest to him: spouses, partners, family members, friends. With an inflated ego, a merciless drive, and overwhelming self-confidence, many narcissists excel in the world and enjoy tremendous material success. They create circles of admirers and followers who continually provide them with the soothing unguents they crave.

Besides their addiction to alcohol, most alcoholics have severe personality disorders which would certainly conflict with treatment for their alcoholism. To even try and get them to go to rehab, it would have to be something like a luxury experience in Hawaii going to The Ohana center. If you offered them a state funded center, they’d probably decline because of their personality disorder and thinking they’re too good for the place. They are addicted to alcohol in part due to severe psychopathology attached to these disorders, including extreme feelings of abandonment, severe depression, panic disorder, frequent anxiety attacks and disassociative reactions. Over time and with an inherited predisposition, the alcoholic develops an overwhelming tolerance to this drug. His/her life revolves around consuming alcohol and it affects every aspect of their life, for example, their ability to drive, as there is only so much a DUI Defense Attorney can achieve if the evidence is stacked against you.

Alcoholism can have devastating consequences, not just for the addict, but for family and friends affected by the consequences of binge drinking. Pacific Ridge Residential Alcohol and Drug Treatment Center is one example of a rehabilitation facility that might be able to offer help and support for families in need as a result of a loved one’s alcohol addiction.

Furthermore, there are distinct differences in the psychodynamics and physiological roots between the alcoholic and the narcissist. I am pointing out the intractable nature of these disorders. No one can change the alcoholic but himself and no one can shift the personality of the narcissist except himself or herself.

Below is a familiar painful scenario of what a child of an alcoholic parent suffers hundreds, even thousands of times, wishing, waiting and hoping that their mother or father will change:

“It is the eternal wish of the child to wait with fragile hope that this time mom (or dad) will stop drinking. After all the binging, impulsive behaviors, drunken outbursts, physical blows, public embarrassments, middle of the night forays, the body of the alcoholic gives out. It can ingest no more of the hypnotic brew, the poisonous mother’s milk. Soon, the shakes and tremors erupt in unpredictable cycles. Food is brought to the rescue, water gulped. A few days go by and the eye of the storm has passed over. There are renewed promises and pronouncements of a different course. Everyone must be disciplined now, even the smallest child must learn to march in perfect cadence. The alcoholic is shaky and spent. He or she attracts pity now rather than scorn. There is an uneasy peace. Will the worm turn this time? Is this the moment of divine grace? Is there a fragment of hope to hold on to? One week, two weeks, three weeks—-Inevitably it begins. This time it is the flu, a cold, a misfortune, a disappointment—the endless litany sounds new. But the pattern is intractable, indelibly printed in the brain and nervous systems and organs, thoughts, feelings, cravings of the alcoholic. The children look at one another, mustering a weakened hope that it will not happen this time, all the while knowing that it is as inevitable as their quivering breaths and nightmare dreams. Shivering against the raw terror and uncertainty, they ask themselves: “Will I survive one more round?”

If you are married to a narcissist or involved in a personal relationship with one, at some point you will wish, believe and demand that this individual change and start treating you with respect , empathy and understanding. Although we carry with us the imprint of our childhood wounds and struggles, as adults we can make wise judgments about continuing or breaking off relationships that are hurtful to us, stunt our personal growth and don’t provide a loving reciprocal relationship. Are you willing to go another round with the narcissist in your life or will you choose freedom, inner peace, and the full flowering of your gifts. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com

Being married to a narcissist is a painful emotional experience with someone who always puts his/her needs above everyone else. Some spouses know that it was a mistake from the beginning. They cannot pinpoint that this person with whom they share their life is a narcissistic personality. In the beginning most of us are dazzled, almost hypnotized by the narcissistic partner. He or she is often highly accomplished professionally. He has finely honed social skills, radiant self confidence and tremendous drive. There are always clues to the real personality beneath the very attractive package that most people overlook—the self absorption, obsession with the perfect outer image, flashes of rage when you disagree with them, a flurry of demands, cruel remarks thrown out at random. The manipulations, betrayals, lies, subterfuges build up over the months and years. There is a wish on the part of the partner to make the marriage work, especially if children are involved. The non-narcissist keeps looking at herself/himself for fault or deficiency.

Finally, the great divide along the marital road appears. Out of nowhere the narcissistic spouse announces that the marriage is over, the divorce papers have already been filed and he has made specific plans for new living arrangements. The abandoned partner is hit with a massive body blow. The emotional shock is breathtaking. A cycle of disbelief, numbness and confusion begins and mercilessly repeats itself throughout the hours, days and weeks after the divorce. Some people feel that they don’t know who they are anymore. They fear that they have lost their identities. Others believe that this is all an illusion and the narcissist will return and all will be well. Ultimately, reality hits its mark. He is not coming back; he is gone.

Each person awakens from the aftermath of divorcing a narcissist in his or her individual way. One of the most important steps is to be compassionate and patient with yourself—-no recriminations or judgments about what you could have done to save the marriage. You were involved with a person who is incapable of having any intimate relationships. This is your loss and your grief, not theirs. Allow yourself to cry and to grieve this great loss and to be angry, even enraged. Find expression for these powerful feelings through skilled professional therapy, support groups, and close friends who are capable of empathy. In some cases, family can offer valuable support.

Become aware of your basic needs for rest, sleep, and healthy food that will sustain you. Use positive escapes (movies, books on tape, music you love, experiencing Nature. Do not rush. Slow down–pay attention to your breath: inhaling and exhaling in the moment.. If you are physically healthy or have clearance from your doctor, find a mode of exercise that works specifically for you.

What are the essentials of your day? Write them down. If you cannot complete them at first, start with small steps. Say to yourself: I am doing my best. Making the effort counts. I will not make judgments about my performance.

Waking up after a life altering event like a divorce is a process not a product. As you move through each step, you are redefining yourself, re-creating your own unique identity. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com

High functioning narcissists are exceedingly charming, even electrifying. Their persona of magnetic confidence is hypnotic. If they wield a lot of power in the world, those who work for them treat the narcissist like a superior human being. There isn’t anything a narcissist will not do for someone who will fulfill his/her needs and desires, providing them with a valuable return for their efforts: a lucrative business partnership, a new exciting romantic/ sexual arrangement, phenomenal adulation and praise.

Narcissists have loyalty to no one. A spouse of thirty years is dirt under their feet if he or she decides not to continue the adoration and adulation act. Even when small children are involved, a narcissist will abandon them and leave his wife without financial support with no qualms because he moved into another cycle of life with someone else who will bend completely to his will. This “my way or the highway” approach actually works with some spouses for decades. The embattled spouse becomes ill, lives with insomnia, chronic apprehension and anxiety, the narcissist’s screaming fits, not so secret affairs, constant lies and deceptions. Some spouses are willing to pay the highest price of all to stay with their narcissist. The highest price: their lives!

Other partners decide that they have had enough. They know that the marriage was over a decade ago. They have been planning to leave. Finally, with gathering strength and resolve they take the affirmative steps to sever this toxic relationship. They feel deserving of being the author and director of their own lives. They move forward with firm resolve and a sense of entitlement they are experiencing for the first time. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
email:lmlphd@gmail.com