Category: Divorcing Your Narcissist

Those who are married to narcissists are constantly under siege. In the beginning it may be Kismet; in the end it is the lowest circle of Hell. The narcissistic spouse is relentless in his/her ability to make constant demands, falsely accuse you, brainwash your children, make you doubt yourself, threaten to take away all of your worldly possessions including the home in which you live. This list of transgressions is endless and would take up too many pages to count. If there is a way to hurt you psychologically and financially the narcissist leading the attack will find it. Narcissists are “gifted” at “gutting” the lives of others. They have been practicing and mastering this form of destruction all of their lives. If they are golden children the narcissistic parent taught them that they were perfect and superior, that there was neither right nor wrong—–only the goal of winning. They have heard this charge since early childhood. “You have no limits—Everyone around you is inferior. You can do whatever you want. To achieve great things, you have to step over others who are in your way.” These are the earliest messages from mother and/or father. These budding narcissists are molded to become to become false grandiose selves, to compete like gladiators, drawing psychological blood.

If you have recognized that you have been married to a narcissist and moved through the divorce process, give yourself all the space and time and self understanding to heal. First, give yourself credit for leaving this highly disturbed destructive person. Many stay in these marriages and are broken psychologically. Take time to be with yourself. This can take many forms. Get to know yourself–You have spent years being suffocated by the narcissist’s overwhelming personality. Now you can breathe. Some of those in the healing process take up a practice of gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. Yoga when done with focus and self love is very healing. It eases the nervous system into a state of calmness and safety. Meditation is another form of healing–This can be practiced on any level as long as you are nonjudgmental and consistent. Spend time each day in solitude. Go outdoors, listen to the birds, watch a hummingbird gracefully move from flower to flower, feel the light mist, the sun warm your shoulders—-appreciate each moment. Working through the aftermath of marriage to a narcissist is a complex process. Be kind to yourself. A small support group that you form can be invaluable. You will be heard and understood. This can mean one person. That’s all you need. You will find that your life becomes simpler, quieter, calmer and feel grateful that you are moving toward a deeper inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, barnes and noble, many online bookstores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

There is a term that describes certain kinds of individuals who are very successful in the world, have many admirers if not adorers, have access to social/business connections we might all envy whom I call bloodless sociopaths. I use this term because they are without conscience, completely lack empathy, are among the cruelest and sadistic human beings but literally don’t draw blood. They commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and don’t get caught. That’s how well they have mastered their act. Often they have a high intelligence quotient and have achieved superlative marks throughout their schooling. From the time they are very young these sociopaths know that they are superior to everyone, including their parents, that there isn’t anything they can’t do or have. The world and people in it exist to be manipulated by them.

With the narcissistic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable—self absorption, obsession with appearance, being in the A list social circles, coldness and disdain for those outside of this magic bubble—it becomes easier for the sociopath to move in and out of business and social circles undetected as a dreadful human being. We have narcissistic sociopaths who run some of our prestigious corporations. We have some members of the branches of government who fit this definition. When you look at some of the dirty deal making that takes place, the rip-offs of those who are without power or money, and the pure greed involved you find that many in the corporate, entrepreneurial, entertainment, media and government that fit this definition. No one wants to talk about sociopaths in high places. Most people have a problem believing that a person with such prestige and power who is given the highest respect and deference and even lionized could be so predatory.

Their family members may not be aware of their levels of criminality. They have become so deluded and accustomed to leading privileged lives that they close their eyes to anything that disrupts the perfect insular world they have created. There are plenty of spouses and children of narcissistic sociopaths who will tell you horror stories about their private lives. Family members describe themselves as prisoners, unable to make their own decisions, forced to follow their parent(s) commands to the letter. They view ugly violent scenes between their parents that are re-enacted frequently and put them in a chronic state of anxiety and apprehension. Spouses who willfully stay married to these reprehensible individuals put the lives of their children in psychological and emotional jeopardy. If you are the spouse of one of these individuals and finally recognize all of the damage that has been done, wake up and prepare to sever these pathological relationships if not for yourself for your children.

Narcissism and sociopathy in its bloodless form are becoming more acceptable in the society at large. You don’t notice many high level narcissists doing perp walks or losing court cases when they are clearly guilty or going out of business because they have been defrauding their business partners and clients for years.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality disorder and the narcissistic sociopath so that you recognize them quickly and know exactly how they operate. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, numerous online bookstores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I have actually witnessed a woman married to a narcissistic spouse in a restaurant, cutting up her narcissistic husband’s steak in perfect bite size pieces. She sat there throughout the meal, hanging on his every word. These women believe they have made a good bargain. Some of them have financial security which is crucial to them and they are willing to pay for it with their lives.

Narcissistic husbands have rules that their wives must obey. They are part of his elaborate image that keeps his ego inflated.

Being married to a narcissist narrows your mind and your life. Some wives learn to detach psychologically and pursue their own careers but this is not a marriage is a business arrangement.

Married to a narcissist you are living each day in the sympathetic nervous system. Hyper vigilant, apprehensive—you can never let down in your fight or flight mode. To preserve your psychological and emotional well being you need to learn to switch to the parasympathetic nervous system of calm, relaxation and ease.

Married to a narcissistic husband you are expendable, Even you have have been with him for fifteen to twenty years, it is very possible that your spouse has been cheating a you a number of times. Narcissists change partners and find women who are younger, more exciting and desirable to them. They need trophies not wives.

If you make the decision to separate from your narcissistic husband your healing begins. Some women seek high quality professional psychotherapy and find it very helpful. Be sure to take the time to find a good therapist. Interview several. Cardiovascular exercise is an excellent way to increase your stamina, strength, obtain endorphins which lift the mood and to gain a sense of inner peace. Gentle hatha yoga with its emphasis on the breath calms the body, mind and spirit. Some spouses that daily or weekly journaling offers them a cathartic way to express their feelings and thoughts openly, creatively and freely that is part of their renewed lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists live in a world of their own making. For the classic narcissist it is larger than life to suit his enormous ego. They stand at the center of the universe—everything and everyone revolves around them. Those who are married to narcissists, children of narcissists or siblings of narcissists are keenly aware that there isn’t enough room for them in this view of reality. The narcissist is highly deluded. He/she believes that he is perfect, incapable of making mistakes, ruthlessly self absorbed and willing to psychologically endanger even his wife and children to get what he wants. Some spouses of narcissists are so mesmerized by them that they are psychologically fused and are unable to distinguish themselves from their partner. In spite of this some of those who share a comfortable lifestyle with the narcissist continue to fool themselves that they are truly loved. The narcissist cannot love or be intimate with another human being. Many are deluded, spending much of their lives wishing rather than facing reality. At times we are swept away and impressed with people who are highly successful and appear to have it all, without considering that they are not human beings of integrity. They are shallow, empty, venal, ruthless and superficial. It is their worldly acquisitions and their power reach that impress the majority of people today. This is all part of the narcissistic style which has become predominant among a large portion of our population.

Many of those psychologically abused by the narcissist in their roles of spouse, child or sibling finally wake up and recognize that this individual suffers from a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Spouses of narcissists can decide to stay in this abusive relationship and make the most of their constrained lives. You cannot be yourself; you are suffocating from the narcissist’s overwhelming role in your life; you are not free to be creative and you have no inner peace. Severing a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but it can be done. It is a grand leap from delusion to truth—your truth. Those who have taken this initiative with courage and perseverance discover that they are now living with the truth about themselves, have their life opening and expanding in front of them and are free to determine their own destinies. If they have children, they have given them a greater chance of becoming whole solid human beings who seek and experience truth over delusion.

Major life decisions are worth all of the hard work, effort and stamina that they take. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Each moment lived in truth is a great achievement. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Being married to a narcissist is an extraordinary life experience.There are time sequences of highs but ghastly lows. Living with a narcissist is like being in a war zone under constant incoming fire.

Narcissistic spouses never stop injecting into the lives of their spouses. With their constant tantrums, screaming fits that go on for hours, criticisms that cut you to the quick and an unending lack of empathy.

When your are married to a narcissist your nervous system takes a beating.You are constantly
in a hyper vigilant state—waiting for the next horrendous shoe to drop.Those who share their married lives with narcissists are always in flight or fight mode—the sympathetic nervous system.
In this state the adrenal glands are pushed to the limit and exhaustion sets in. If the stress becomes overwhelming, chronic illnesses can develop. Some spouses are willing (at times unconsciously) to give up their physical health and emotional well being to the narcissist.

Those who recognize that they can no longer tolerate the emotional, psychological and physiological pain and stress chronically projected upon them, make the decision to sever the relationship.through divorce or separation. With the help of good psychotherapy and other healing modalities, they awaken to the realization that their lives have intrinsic value as separate human beings, that they are entitled to use all of their gifts and capacities and that they deserve the benefits of deep inner peace. I have communicated with many spouses who have reached this new shore and are now leading their lives in hope, personal freedom and the full expression of themselves as valuable individuals. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists lie constantly; it is the air they breathe. They are believable with their lies. They enjoy the power they have over you when they not telling the truth. Lying is a way to control you, to keep you guessing, to throw you off guard. Narcissists have been telling lies all of their lives. A lie is a shortcut to get what they want whether it is an attractive man or woman, a valuable business connection, a way of taking custody of a child away from the custodial parent. There are so many life stories of narcissists lied their way through an entire divorce, pretending that they were the victims. There are women who have been left without the children they raised from birth because their narcissistic husbands plotted to wrest them away from them. He cleverly planted lies in the minds of his ex-spouse’s family and friends (many believed him). Mediators and even judges are known to make mistakes in awarding full custody to the narcissistic parent who has hired an army of legal experts to win. This narcissist doesn’t really have deep love for his children—they are narcissistic supplies—part of his perfect image as a great father.

If you suspect through you keen observations and study of the narcissistic personality that your spouse is a narcissist act to protect yourself and your children as soon as possible. Do not wait for the narcissist to change–this is not going to happen. Strengthen yourself and your resolve. Create a plan for severing your marital relationship through divorce. This is a big step but it is better to move early than to wait until you are so entangled with the narcissist that it becomes even more difficult to free yourself and renew your life and give your children an opportunity to lead solid, happy, creative and hopeful lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists appear to be inhuman—They are inhumane! If you think you can change one of these individuals, forget it. Most of them are molded from early childhood as grandiose false selves that wear a mask that appears to be real. The outer image is irresistible–Beauty, handsomeness, magnetism, sexuality, pseudo empathy, extreme confidence, brightness and brilliance. These are some of the qualities of the high flying narcissists who make it big in our world today.The number of narcissists we are producing is increasing faster than we can keep count. Our current society rewards them for their worldly success despite the number of people they have emotionally injured; those they have left financially immobilized; people who have become physically ill from the stress of living with them decade after decade.

When you are at your lowest emotional ebb the narcissistic spouse, mother or sibling will verbally pounce, assaulting you without mercy. They are determined to destroy you. They cry out that they are the injured party; you are making their life intolerable when it is quite the opposite.

These cruelties become particularly magnified during a divorce from a narcissist. They are never fair. If you agree to give them a fair split of the properties and investments they demand more. They hire attorneys to intimidate you into complete capitulation. They wear you down night and day—they have great stamina for fighting dirty. Remember, you have a conscience and care deeply about other human beings. They don’t. It’s as if the capacity for compassion was never in their genes. There is no narcissistic gene. These merciless individuals are created in the familial crucibles of childhood.

Learn to identify narcissists early so that you don’t become enmeshed with them. If you must interact with a narcissist, you have a heads up on their true natures. Your knowledge of them strengthens your position. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in book form and as an e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can’t and don’t know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person’s feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that’s what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand’s off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry —DON’T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research—don’t have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them.

Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father.

How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet.

Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the most harrowing and painful life experiences. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go ahead with this process. You have to in order to preserve your life and that of your children. I am in communication with individuals who are going through this ordeal. They are ready for the battle. In some cases, the narcissist want to make you disappear so he/she pays you off–you are a discard, not even a faint memory in a life you have shared with this person for more than a decade. Count yourself fortunate if this break is made cleanly. The biggest reward is that this person is out of your life. Quite often the opposite happens. The narcissistic moves into Crusade mode and will fight you on every battlement. He is determined to wear you down to nothing, to destroy your spirit and sense of hope, besides taking all of the financial resources–especially those to which you are entitled. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of choosing the sharpest, savviest attorney you can find–some one with high ethical standards and a mastery of family law but in addition, a person who has a clear understanding of how the narcissistic personality operates—the darkness in their character, their sense of vanquishing their victims (and that includes you) completely. Narcissists with the bit in their mouths over a divorce will not quit. They lie, cheat, fabricate, terrorize, cajole, threaten, use emotional blackmail–do everything possible to make sure that you lose and are thrown to the wolves. That is their intention–This doesn’t mean that they will succeed.
Most people are naive about human nature. They cannot believe that narcissists intend to destroy others–not with physical violence (although some of them are known to beat their spouses and not get caught) but with the master plan they put into place to bring you down. The attorney you choose must have an insider’s understanding of the true nature of the narcissist–his treachery, non stop attacks, his conniving, his damnable lies and fabrications that are designed to destroy the other spouse’s reputation–personal and in some cases, professional.

Despite the time you have spent going through the ordeal of living with a narcissist, you will find that after severing the relationship, you have talents, creative gifts, dreams and the drive to continue to evolve as an individual. Start thinking of your professional aspirations and career goals. You may have been held back in your relationship, but now you can do what you’ve always dreamed of doing. Start writing your resume on a website like https://www.arcresumes.com/local/illinois/ without the fear of your spouse preying on your mind. You now have space to breathe and flourish and to spend your time how you want to. You can do some good for the world, rather than being trapped in the world of a narcissist..

You can also expand your personal and creative aspirations, what you enjoy for recreation, the kind of people with whom you will surround yourself, becoming stronger and healthier physically, learning how to calm your nervous system through gentle yoga, meditation (in a form that works for you) creating a circle of support among those who care deeply about you and are loyal and empathic. Your life is opening up for the first time in years. Take time to appreciate being with yourself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, spontaneously. You will discover facets of yourself that you didn’t realize were there. The growth process moves forward throughout our lives. Take hold of it and remain open to all of its opportunities in your life. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com