Category: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Severing Relationship with Narcissistic Mother Your Healing Begins

We didn’t make a request to have our particular mother. She was bestowed on us by a complex act of fate. Small children may sense that there is something fundamentally wrong with mother. She doesn’t hug them or give them kisses. Her body is stiff when she is near; her gaze is hard and at times menacing. We are afraid of her but know that on some deep level that we must survive this person. Often these mothers are exceedingly strict and cruel. Some are completely disinterested in their kids and palm them off on babysitters and other caretakers so that “mother can lead her own life.” “She is entitled after all.”  The child cannot give this behavior a name but it doesn’t matter because her/his emotional and psychological needs are not being met. Yes, mother makes sure that the child is fed (not always–there are children of narcissistic mothers who have to fend for themselves in the hunger department and are severely deprived) and clothed and sent to school but there is no real communication. Mother is always distracted with how she looks and feels. Her moods are often erratic. Narcissistic mothers are known for their sudden fits of rage that are projected on to their children and spouses. Some children witness dreadful scenes between their parents of verbal abuse and in some cases, physical assault. The ugly arguments and vicious scenes are traumatizing to a small child. The narcissistic mother always wins, degrades the father, leaving him feeling worthless. The child does not have a strong father on whom he can depend. Some fathers are workaholics and spend most of their time away from the house. They are not involved in the raising of their children. They escape into their work, other women, alcohol, anything that will remove them from this she-devil of a wife.

It can take decades to find out that your mother is a narcissistic personality. You do research and dig for the truth about this person who has made your life so unbearable. Finally you know the disorder. Some children have been blaming themselves or thinking they were crazy all of this time. Other siblings may not have the powers of observation or objectivity to recognize who mother really is. In fact some of them are psychologically fused with her and will defend her to the end. These mothers enjoy turning one child against the other in defense of her. You may be the only one in the family who knows the truth about this woman.

If you are a truthseeker and acknowledge that you can no longer lead your life tied to non mother who has only brought you psychological pain, then you make the decision to sever the relationship.  This is a rough road if you  siblings and other family members are standing in her court. But you value yourself and the life that you want to lead. At this moment your healing begins. You have untied yourself from the toxic knots that have bound you to a narcissistic mother. You now swim freely in the ocean of life. You can be yourself fully. You have respite, rest and the capacity to dream and create–unencumbered. Your nervous system switches from fight or flight to relaxation mode. Your creativity soars. You keenly feel your capacity to give and receive love. Along the way you will meet other daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers and your words and empathy will help them to begin the healing process.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: [email protected]

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Your Healing Accumulates

When you have been through the mental and psychological torment of growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother and now you have severed the relationship, you wonder: Will I ever heal ? How long will it take? I don’t think anyone can answer that question specifically. However, Healing is Cumulative. Every step you take each day is moving you toward greater wholeness. You are initiating this process when you never blame yourself for the narcissistic mother you had, when you allow yourself to feel and express your feelings, when you cry and feel a sense of release, when you write spontaneously without editing or judging, when you do gentle yoga poses, breathing through the nostrils and acknowledge that each cell in your body/mind is renewing itself. Every time that you are in the parasympathetic nervous system zone—you are healing. Daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up in “running from the beast who will kill me” mode.  Living with this fire drill constantly and the fires that have to be put out from these dreadful mothers makes a daughter feel endangered at all times. This has a drastic effect your psyche, mind, body and emotions. Many narcissistic mothers besides their extreme abuse, deprive and neglect their daughters. I have heard that they have never been hugged by their so called mothers. They were told that they were never wanted.. They were ignored. Some of them were left hungry as small children and not fed. This is the truth. There are other daughters who were given what their body needed by their souls and psyches were starved and they were the recipients of narcissistic abuse simultaneously.

Develop a healing program that works for you. Some benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Be sure to interview several therapists. Yes, there are excellent ones but there are also narcissistic psychotherapists who are after your emotional dependency and most important to them—-your money. Some narcissistic psychotherapist overcharge without blinking an eye. Exercise helps to strengthen the immune system and modulates your moods and reduces anxiety and helps your sleep. Some of those healing, take up a meditation practice. This can be done in a variety of ways. You can doing walking meditation, sitting meditation. Do what works for you. If it is two minutes or less, this is meditation. It is intention in action and consistency. If you miss a day or more, do not judge. If you love Nature, embrace it. It is there to heal us.

If you love color, take photographs, view art in any number of forms, listen to music and flow with it. Acupuncture for some is a source of experiencing the parasympathetic nervous system, the ultimate in relaxation and calm.

Know that your healing is accumulating every day. Stay in touch with your loving heart.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Many daughters don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic mothers literally beat their children. They make sure that the marks won’t show so there will be no obvious evidence of their cruelties. Other mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally. They pit one child against the other. They are cold and unexpressive. They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature. When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own. They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves and become independent.

Whatever stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-New Year’s Resolution

In this blog post I am addressing all of those who grew up with narcissistic parents, particularly a narcissistic mother. I frequently hear from these daughters who were trapped in the family wars and have the healing wounds to prove it. The narcissistic mother is without mercy and empathy. Those narcissistic mothers who give their daughters a lot of “attention” have their own selfish motives. They are creating the perfect child who will become the narcissistic supply for them the rest of their lives. Mother has modeled a living example of her superiority and perfection. When children are very young, their very existence and sense of reality depends on how they are treated and how they are conditioned by their parents. Narcissistic mothers often fuse psychologically with their young daughters. The little child is not allowed to breathe without turning to mother. She is encased in the emotional prison her mother has created. Mother’s message: “As long as you do, think, feel, and achieve everything that I expect and demand of you, I will accept you and love you (on my terms.”) “If you do not obey me, you will be discarded, punished beyond your endurance, and purposely alienated from your siblings and your father.” The father in this scenario is often too mesmerized by the primal narcissistic mother to have a clue about the horrendous psychological damage his spouse is perpetrating on their child. Some of these spouses are like children themselves, dependent on the all-powerful narcissistic wife/mother who has emasculated them long ago.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers become narcissists—miniatures of the pathological mother. Other daughters suffer throughout childhood , always out of step with the cruel manipulations of their narcissistic mothers. They pay a heavy price for their unwillingness to go along with mother’s pathological child raising recipe. Some of these daughters tell me that they spent most of their childhood learning how to become invisible. They hid in their room, reading, listening to music. As they got older, they were away from the house as much as possible, visiting friends, sitting in public libraries,going to movies alone or just wandering around by themselves, doing anything to avoid mother–the fire tongued dragon blocking the cave’s entrance. These daughters often leave home permanently as soon as they can. Some find solace, mental freedom and emotional breathing space in college. Other daughters marry early to escape further abuse. Some become entangled in a maze of substance abuse and dysfunctional relationships with men. Quite often these daughters marry narcissistic men and discover they are repeating with them the entrenched familiar psychological cycles and patterns of their family of origin–moving from narcissistic mother to narcissistic spouse.

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother—you have survived a very difficult journey. Give yourself love and credit for the fine woman you have become despite all the odds. As you look forward to the year ahead and all of those to follow, take stock, embrace and celebrate the individual you have become and are becoming every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Mothers Devalue their Daughters

Some narcissistic mothers appear to have subtle ways of giving a hallowed place to her golden boy son, including constant attention and adulation. Although there is not much greater equality between men and women professionally, we still have have the pull of the patriarchal view within our culture. I see many families where the eldest son is the star of the family from the beginning. He is bright, very attractive, confident and socially smooth. Mother clears the way for him through her adulation, almost veneration. This special son is molded by the mother as a chosen person. She puts all of herself into this child, viewing him as perfect. He is the fulfillment of the mother’s dreams.

A daughter who comes along as second to the star brother is treated differently. Often these behaviors are subtle. Mother is already psychologically fused with the golden son. Almost every waking moment is taken up thinking of him and his magnificence. For many of these narcissistic mothers the daughter is a disappointment. This is especially the case for the daughter if the father has been taken out of the picture by the dominating narcissistic mother. Slight differences can be seen in the animation that the narcissistic mother displays when talking about her special son; the sacrifices she makes for him with her time. The daughter is secondary in her attention and mind. These daughters have a painful legacy. Often they do not feel worthwhile, knowing that they can never measure up to the stardom of the older brother. They feel secondary, second rate.

These adult can benefit from excellent psychotherapy. The learn to recognize that the narcissistic mother give her birth and the imprint of her dna. These daughters find ways to separate and individuate out of the family of origin. As they move forward these daughters develop loving friendships with those who appreciate them as unique and valuable human beings. The narcissistic chosen brother will never become authentic. He is a false self (although he may be very powerful in his world). Daughters who live in these family constellations and continue to heal themselves move forward and grow throughout their lives as authentic strong individuals. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Appreciate Your Uniqueness

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can spend years coming to the realization that they were raised by a woman who was a non-mother. Cold, manipulative, self-obsessed, vain, dismissive, hyper-critical, cunning, without conscience, deceitful—these are a few of the adjectives that describe the narcissistic “mother.” Psychologically, her breasts are permanently dry and unyielding—She cannot give sustenance to her little daughter. Her glance is vacant. There is no light in her eyes, no emotional contact–not a whit of tenderness. The narcissistic mother is a one woman show. She expects her daughter to adore her. She is at center stage, demanding applause. Maria Riva, daughter of the famous screen siren, Marlene Dietrich, in the memoir of her mother, talks about her role as servant to her mother. Maria was always at Marlene’s disposal day and night for all of her mother’s life. She arranged her clothing for special occasions, parties and even spent hundred of hours on movie sets where Marlene was working. Maria, the brilliant little girl, survived by mirroring the ultra-self-absorbed Marlene perfectly. She learned from her earliest days that that was what she had to do to survive. Maria was told secrets and observed behaviors between her parents which were traumatic, especially for a small child. Narcissistic mothers never think of protecting their children. The child is another narcissistic supply and an unpaid servant. Her individual being is meaningless and insignificant. Maria Riva is an excellent writer and her memoir is superb in illustrating the true nature of the narcissistic mother.

Daughters of narcissistic mother have to fend for themselves unless they are the chosen golden girl who is raised like a member of royalty. For the narcissistic mother, this child is the ultimate narcissistic supply. Many of the chosen daughters become narcissistic. The cycle of destructive narcissism continues through another generation. Unchosen daughters grow up to fast. They never have real childhoods. They are always either cowering from mother’s threats, criticisms or psychological and physical blows or hiding like an invisible ghost along the corners of mother’s life, hoping and praying not to be discovered.

The psychological identities of these daughters are obscured by the giant shadow cast by the narcissistic mother. One of the goals of these daughters is to go deep within, acknowledge who they are as individuals, validate their uniqueness, express it and celebrate their lives. Achieving this goal may require the help of skillful psychotherapy, participation in support groups, the close ties of friends. Creative pursuits that free up the daughter from her family of origin and a consistent spiritual practice in the way that you define this, are powerful ways to re-claim your individuality and expand and grow a solid sense of the authentic self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Repetitive Narcissistic Exploitation II

Exploitation is the narcissist’s middle name. They are always using others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and other family members to get their needs met not yours. Narcissists don’t care,are not interested and are closed off to your needs. They are over-entitled and have no hesitation about making demands from you constantly. This puts their spouses and children in continual emergency red button mode. Every moment is a fire drill. We become emotionally depleted and in some cases physically ill. Take care of yourself . Set boundaries with the narcissist and be consistent. He or she will step over these lines, cajole you into letting them have their way, intimidate and humiliate you. Don’t give in. Keep your emotional, psychological and physical distance(if possible) from the narcissist. Being in their presence is poisoning to you emotionally and psychologically. If you must be in touch with them, learn to detach from them by not over-reacting to their lies and the dramas that follow if they don’t get what they want. Let them put up a fuss like a baby in a high chair throwing his peas all over the floor. Don’t let their tantrums and threats overrun you. Stay steady through a practice of stillness, relaxation techniques, gentle yoga and meditation.

I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center, making you lose your temper, on giving in. You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day—it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist’s repeated exploitive attempts.

Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists-Thickets of Lies

By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents’ psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn’t.

Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior—good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.

There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves—a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.

When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don’t recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist’s moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don’t make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the “right words” to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.

Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence–too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their “fine character” and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today’s society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.

Protect yourself from the narcissist’s lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.

Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

No Emotional Bonding With Narcissistic Mothers

Beginning with the first moments of life the baby begins to bond with his mother. This is essential to his psychological and physical survival. Mother and baby attach in a loving fusion. The good enough mother ( a term introduced by psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott ) spends many months in a state of maternal preoccupation with her baby. The baby that has left the womb must have this constant care, comfort, feeling of safety in order to thrive. Besides nutritional nourishment, the baby internalizes the caress, smell, gentle sounds, soft soothing touch of mother. Through the long nights when the baby’s hunger cries signal the need to be fed the mother leaves her sleep to feed her tiny infant. These sounds are compelling and the good mother knows instinctively to recognize the different cries of her baby. As the months pass, the bond between the two of them strengthens and the baby begins to recognize that mother is a separate person. The baby has begun to internalize mother into his psyche. This is not the case with the narcissistic mother. Many narcissistic mothers leave the delivery room, go home and are in there office’s within two or three weeks. They may even have a surrogate mother feed the baby after the birth and calm him when he is crying. Not all mothers who return to week early in a baby’s life are narcissistic. However, this kind of behavior is not optimum for the baby’s psychological well being.

The most significant deprivations is a complete lack of psychological and emotional bonding that the child experiences with the narcissistic mother. She is cold, unavailable and preoccupied with herself. You ask yourself: Why  did she have children? Maybe she accidentally got pregnant and is going through the motions.

Some narcissistic mothers purposely have children they can show off and put on display as narcissistic supplies and living puppets.

Having a narcissistic mother and not being attached to her is a very difficult psychological legacy for the child. In some cases there are substitutes like an aunt, older sister, grandmother or a nanny. This can make all the difference for the child. In some cases the father becomes the mothering figure and that is fortunate. Some children have no one. They are fed, dressed, sent to bed, given breakfast and sent to school in a mechanical manner. The narcissistic mother is critical, cold, disengaged, unaffectionate and basically has nothing to give her child.  The focus of life is herself, not her child. Children who grow up under these circumstances often feel empty inside and find it hard to form warm, secure, trusting relationships with others.

There have always been narcissistic mothers; we now are able to recognize them more specifically. However, there is a serious trend in our society today of the grow of more narcissists and narcissistic mothers. These mothers are not scorned ; they are praised for being able to DO IT ALL. No one can do it all. That is impossible and untrue. What looks lovely on the outside can be a complete nightmare to a child on the inside.

There are adult children of narcissistic mothers who find ways to heal from this deep psychological wound. I have been in contact with many of them. They are strong, caring and often very empathic individuals. They have my deepest respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Narcissistic Mother

All of your life you have been exposed to the psychopathology of your narcissistic mother. As a small child is it very unlikely that you realized that your mother was a serious personality disorder. These mothers are cruel to their children directly and indirectly. They constantly criticize, demean and undermine their children.The only exception are the chosen daughters and sons who become the golden child monster children.

Many adult children of narcissistic mothers have internalized toxic projections of this highly disturbed parent. They believe that they are defective and at fault. Narcissistic siblings unite with the mother and reinforce these feelings of being at fault, not being good enough, never adding up, ruining the family image. When adult children research the narcissistic literature they are surprised to learn that it is the narcissistic mother who is to blame not the child. Many of these adult children go on a quest to discover who they really are. They discover insights into their true natures. They learn to appreciate their individuality and gifts. Many of them separate physically and emotionally from the narcissist mother. They will no longer be stunted, blocked, brutalized, criticized and undermined by this person even though it is your mother. It is your decision to remain connected with the NM and whether to separate from this person who is psychologically toxic.

There are many ways to heal from the narcissistic mother that include practices of quieting the mind, hatha yoga, creative writing, walking meditation, making a companion of Nature. At this point you appreciate yourself as a solid, individuated person. Celebrate you freedom and your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]