Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Aggressive Overt High Level Narcissists – Psychologically Dangerous to Their Spouses and Children

Are you or have you been at the mercy of an individual who constantly screams, demeans, humiliates, brags and shames you. Likely, you are dealing with an aggressive overt high level narcissist. They can be described as an obsessive maelstrom of activity. Maelstrom refers to violent turmoil. The literal meaning is “a powerful whirlpool in the sea or a river.”

These cruel, highly charged individuals are self obsessed, without conscience; predatory without psychological boundaries— corrosive characters who do not change. Their entire focus is on Winning no matter the consequences to others—spouses, ex-spouses, partners, children.

Each day you are existing in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system—your adrenaline rushes through, your cortisol runs high, especially when you are trying to sleep. Night time with one of these predatory personalities can means the worst. You feel so vulnerable in the darkness; you wait to see if this horrid person will purposely confront you, scream, accuse, make menace with you. You lie there, keeping one eye open, waiting for the next sound, movement, sensation. For many of you this is a reprise of the childhood trauma that has haunted you for decades. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you never felt safe; you couldn’t let down. There was neither privacy nor calmness; no possibility of solitude or a quieting of your nervous system to parasympathetic mode.

There is a long debate about whether aggression of temperament is inborn or learned, nature or nurture. A recent study by the University of Montreal indicates that some individuals are born more aggressive than others. This research indicates that “aggression isn’t only learned, but inborn; and one’s environment can worsen or improve this behavior as one ages.”

The following list of predatory behaviors on the part of the aggressive high level narcissist offer you a perspective and an appreciation of what you are experiencing:

Lack of respect for the needs of others

Grandiosity and extreme self entitlement

Winning for self at the expense of others

Humiliating you as a tool of control and submission

Infantile, regressive two year old temper tantrum behavior

Everything revolves around the high level narcissists: their needs and demands

After years of research and insights and the accumulation of excessive psychological and physical stress you make the decision to leave the high level narcissist and take back, renew, restore, transform your true authentic creative self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., LMFT

High Level Narcissist – Creating A False Identity

High Level Narcissist – Creating A false Heroic Identity

High level narcissists compose a fictional identity that is portrayed as authentic, so real and believable. These are great dramatic actors. Often they are overt narcissistic golden boys. As toddlers they were impossibly spoiled and demanding as they are now with an incandescent charm that is captivating.

The narcissist creates a narrative of humble beginnings and reduced circumstances. High level narcissists love to talk about how poor and deprived they were. They embroider their stories with gross exaggeration and straight out lies. The high level narcissist emphasizes his familial hardships and abusive family dynamics and financial disadvantages. He leaves his listeners wondering how he climbed this summit of academic success with no one to come to his assistance. This is not the true story. A most unfortunate aspect to this fake hero’s story is in the exposure of his own family as a careless band of rapacious individuals who are coarse, rapacious with bad reputations.

In comparison the heroic narcissist’s personal tale is one of extraordinary fine character who rose from the most difficult, social and economic circumstances to intellectual and professional prominence. The high level is the hero of his story, the extraordinary individual who rose to the top despite the toughest obstacles.

This phony lying predatory narcissist is a nasty piece of work who has exploiting his family history.

Ruthless and greedy, he climbs to the top, pushing everyone aside who would get in his way. These phony Knights are psychologically dangerous to those who get swept up in their false lie filled personal narratives. These individuals don’t deserve your attention or presence let alone your relationship. Now is the time to separate out from them. You are moving forward along your own unique pathways of transformation, healing, restoration and creativity.

High Level Narcissists – Masters of Varieties of Lies

“A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built. Lies are automatic. They flow from him as effortlessly as sweat coming through pores… He (the narcissist) knows he can lie and get away with it…The narcissist insists that the way must be clear for him to move ahead…He looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation…He is glib with his lies, he shades the truth or tells an outright lie.”

You cannot have a real relationship with someone who lies to you. Those who are partnered with or married to a high level narcissist are constantly being lied to by their spouse or partner.

High level narcissists are masters of deceit and take pride in their lies. They have developed this activity to a high art.

Compartmentalization -The high level narcissist is highly secretive. He cannot be authentic, real or true. One of his devices is compartmentalization. He often leads a secret life It is not unusual for these individuals to have several “close” relationships going forward simultaneously. Being married doesn’t interfere with the high level narcissist’s straying to other partners. These individuals don’t have a well developed conscience and are known to give in to their libidinal proclivities. They rationalize about these behaviors and always can give themselves perfect excuses for their immoral behaviors. For the high level narcissists the people around him are all part of his/her role as an exalted, highly entitled individual. The high level is the puppeteer who creates roles for those who share his world. The narcissist feels no guilt for these betrayals of trust. Lacking a moral compass, this kind of behavior is very easy for these individuals.

Re-writing history – High level narcissists are constantly revising their personal and work histories, resumes, family histories, academic and professional bona fides.

Double Downing on their Lies – High levels are completely shameless. They look deep you’re your eyes and lie directly to you. Narcissists develop the dark art of lying very early. Just think about it. If we didn’t have a conscience wouldn’t it be smoother and easier to tell clever untruths that increased your personal power and control and enlarged your gilded image.

Lies of omission – High level narcissists are outrageously cunning at their lies of omission. They leave out whole swaths of forbidden behaviors that they know will exasperate their partners, spouses, ex-spouses, children, business associates. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. They are driven by ego and their ever-present goals of reaching the highest summits of power, control and the fruits of their excessive greed.

The high level narcissist does not change since this is a fixed personality disorder. For the narcissist the upside for him or her is utilizing their “talents” for mendacity to their advantage. Reaching the highest rungs of the ladder is what matters most to them.

You are different from the high level narcissist. You have a finely developed conscience; you don’t lie; you don’t deceive people. Your relationships are genuine and not used to control and overpower others. You are capable of deep empathy and are capable of putting yourself in the place of another with regard to their feelings, thoughts, intentions and the problems and issues that challenge them.

Here’s to you, an individual of integrity, perseverance, spiritual vitality, traveling your unique pathways of transformation, evolution and creativity.

High Level Narcissists Double and Triple Down on Their Ever-Present Hubris

Hubris in man is ever-present, perhaps in prehistoric caves. Wherever there is pride there is hubris. The story of the angels cast into Hell for their hubris remains with us.

The word hubris comes from the ancient Greek meaning extreme pride and dangerous overconfidence.

Hubris is outrageous. Aristotle defined hubris as shaming the victim.

The high level narcissist gains pleasure from his hubristic acts. He or she is not called out on these dark deeds if they hold sway and power, if they are highly placed socially and economically.

Those who are married to or partnered with or children of hubristic high level narcissists are victims of their extreme psychopathology.

You spend years and decades married to one of these individuals go through a series of leaving them, returning and continuing the cycle to the increasing stress. psychophysiological imbalances, mood and anxiety disorders, chronic insomnia, re-traumatizaation from childhood.

When high level narcissists are shamelessly bad they will never admit they are wrong. All that matters is getting their way every time. When cornered they double and triple down on their lies, deceits, manipulations, exploitations and gain pleasure from dominating their spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings, business associates. Unlike you they have no shame—never di and never will. They are always right no matter their horrific misdeeds and betrayals.

They draw around them a golden circle of followers and hangers on who are loyal to them no matter what the isue. They feed off of the high level’s extreme pride, economic largesse and social power.

In the high level’s psychological mix is a lack of conscience, any bit of shame or of course no empath.

The high level narcissist has no reason to change. This is a fixed personality disorder.

When you awaken and decide that you must separate out from the high level narcissist, this is a great moment of insight and mental and psychological clarity.

With great perseverance, wisdom and resolve you recognize that you are entitled to move forward as a separate, unique individual who deserves the full use of all of your creative gifts, to develop relationships based on self respect and integrity. As you learn more about the true nature of the high level narcissist, you realize that you are moving into the parasympathetic pathways of restoration, healing, transformation and the full use of your unique creative gifts.

Linda Martinez- Lewi, Ph.D.

Quoting psychoanalyst Alice Miller about the dilemma of the child of a narcissistic mother: “The art of not experiencing feelings – A child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her and supports her. If tha person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress emotions.”

From her earliest days and months the daughter of the narcissistic mother experiences a cool dismissiveness. The little daughter feels the disdain, aloof distancing, disregard, disrespect emanating from this mother. The small child knew taht she could never let down and share her feelings with this mother. In her presence she felt edgy, scared, humiliated, emotionaly small and insignificant.

In the presence of family and friends mother took on a different look and manner. She was expansive, warm, attentive to these others who came for the expressions of her public performance. In fact mother was considered to be among the most sterling versions of an exemplary parent, so devoted and engaged with her child.

The narcissistic mother, self absorbed, exceedingly entitled, highly controlling manifests her true nature through a series of false selves that parade as genuine.

Different kinds of narcissistic mothers:

Mother Most Accomplished – nonstop talk about all of her achievements: schooling, extraordinary student, scholar and professional awards, described herself as outstanding in every way and in addition a super mom. Behind closed doors the horrendous presence of this parent from hell. Day and night berating, non stop criticism, humiliations were the worst.

Mother Most Regal – beautiful, obsessed with her looks and fine manners, her cultivation of culture and art, adored by her social circle, how envied for her grace.

And then you have Narcissistic Mother Most Holy – devoted mother, individual of spiritual qualities, especially her many kind deeds, how she is admired for her generosity, focuses on helping others. An individual of faith, talks about her strong conscience. The real story – This is a sham person and the true reality is that this mother is unholy, lacks a conscience, is a complete hypocrite, treats her children with cool, dismissiveness, criticized them for not measuring up morally and spiritually, always finds them wanting in character, accusing them of being frauds when in effect this mother most holy is a complete fake.

This child cannot be her true self since this is forbidden and signaled by the narcissistic mother as a negative vulnerability, a weakness, a lack of character. As a result this child cannot be authentic and must put on the facade that mother demands of her.

She is required to be rational, contained, measured, controlled especially in the way she expresses her emotions and opinions. The message of the narcissistic mother is: Be and do what I demand or I reject you completely. You’re flawed, imperfect and nothing that you do or say and feels is valid. I am the one in charge here. I am the puppeteer who controls and dictates what you think and feel and ultimately who you are.

As a result the original self in the child of the narcissistic mother must remain hidden, unspoken, pushed back into the recesses of the unconscious. There, long hidden these feelings do not disappear, rather they remain unexpressed and the subject of subterranean angst.

There is a time of awakening with your insights, research, intuitions and revelations of your narcissistic mother’s true nature. You move forward as a grounded, true self individual, fully entitled to your unique individuality integrity and your creative gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Marriage to A High Level Narcissist Re-Activates Childhood Toxic Shame

Growing up in a highly pathological family you experienced a deep shaming of the self since you were a very small child. You remember the feeling, so intolerable that came over you when your narcissistic mother stared you down, pinched your tiny arm, screamed in her high pitched nasty voice that you were “worthless, despicable, a mistake of nature.” These moments are etched in every bodily system and each corner of your psyche. This shame has defined much of your identity as a person who has always felt like a fraud.

You wanted to hide and never return to this house. You made plans in your mind countless times. You conjured countless intricate plots: how you would leave, what time, how to go out unnoticed, what excuses to make that were believable. Even very little children are thinking of their escape plans only to realize that they are just to small to do this on their own. I remember one person who shared a memory at age three of looking down her street from a window, then following the plan in her mind only to realize that she was trapped and could not escape and was physically too little to manage her own rescue. With tears in her eyes she brought up this poignant memory.

Psychoanalyst Alice Miller identifies these children as Prisoners of Childhood. In a sense we are all captives of our parents. When we are very young we are vulnerable and at the mercy of our mother and father: their temperaments and dispositions, psychological and emotional stability, hidden and overt psychopathology. Children who grow up in these homes often feel deep shame about themselves.

Adult children of narcissists carry toxic shame into their marriages and partner ships especially if they are partnered with high level narcissistic personalities. High level narcissists are shameless and without conscience. Don’t be fooled by their charming personas, their dynamism, magnetic qualities.

It doesn’t take long to recognize that you are married to a chameleon who can switch to any persona he or she chooses. It doesn’t take long for the narcissist to show his shadow side, that part of him or her that is single mindedly determined to control and manipulate you at every turn.

When you don’t comply and show independent of thought and action you are criticized, humiliated and shamed. Narcissists are not insightful but they are cunning and can “read” your vulnerabilities. They instinctively know that one of your weaker points is your residue of shame that you carry. The high level uses this ruse to re-activate the feelings of insecurity and shame that you felt as a child. They gain power over you as did your parents by pressing these tender psychological buttons that cause you to weaken and capitulate to those negative feelings about yourself.

After a number of years you finally recognize that you can no longer continue along this pathway. You spend time doing research about the true nature of the high level narcissist, a personality disorder that is not inclined to change. You begin to appreciate who you are as an authentic true self that is entitled to pursue your independence, unique creative gifts, a sense of inner peace, the fulness of your individuality. You learn to take very good care of yourself and to establish relationships of respect, trust, an exchange of ideas and personal transformation. Accessing the parasympathetic nervous system through many avenues: basic yoga poses, diaphragmatic breathing, listening to beautiful music, getting the sleep and rest that you deserve, being with Nature, the great healer, nourishing food, good hydration, exercise that strengthens and gives you a sense of vitality and well being, building a spiritual practice the way that you define it.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Shameless High Level Narcissists Double Down on their Deceits and Manipulations

High level narcissists commit cruel deeds of deceit and exploitation throughout their self absorbed, venal, conniving, exploitive lives. Filled with an extreme sense of entitlement they believe that they are better, smarter, more talented, clever, creative than anyone else.

High level narcissists are condemned to a fate of never knowing the truth, incapable of compassion and love, the gift of empathy, an authentic understanding of their real self. They remain fake, hollow, barren, empty, false, lost, disengaged, bleak inside. Are they suffering you ask? Not necessarily since they are “protected” by the defense mechanisms of denial, repression and projection. Is it fair to you that you suffer and they don’t. Of course not. Do these high level narcissists change. NO! Can your love for them cause them to change? NO! This perrsonality is very rigid and their titanium defense mechanisms work for them. Do they fool a lot of people—YES, most of the time.

Does the high level narcissist get away with multiple cruelties, transgressions and betrayals? YES!

We live in an age of hyper-narcissism where the sins and transgressions are acceptable, overlooked by the many, known clearly by the few who seek the truth about the high level’s their innate nature.

As a spouse or partner or child of a high level narcissist, you have been psychologically and emotionally abused. You didn’t deserve to be treated with such disdain, deception, exploitation.

You have observed, researched, analyzed this narcissist for many years and watched while he or she deceived and discarded you countless times.

Now you are clear about this person to whom you have given a pass too many times. Your awakening is here, the moment of clearest insight holds steady, your body/mind is grounded this time to make the decision to quit this non relationship and to redirect your energies, talents, inspirations, warmth, empathy to yourself where it belongs.

Now you have respite, calm, solitude that you deserve. This is where you belong. The beauties of Nature await your presence and participation, Remember self care each day: rest, sleep, hydration, nutrition, movement and exercise your way, music’s magic.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Protect Yourself from Unrelenting Exhaustion Caused by Marriage to High Level Narcissist

Protect Yourself from Unrelenting Exhaustion Caused by Marriage to High Level Narcissist-

You can’t fall asleep at night; you are anxious, your mind is racing. You listen to your thoughts and wonder when you will get respite. Morning comes and you face exhaustion as if you had been up through the night. Exhaustion has a pain of its own, a feeling of weakness that can seem unending. Finally you face the day and wonder if your strength and stamina will ever return. It is very difficult for those who have not experienced this level of exhaustion to understand. This is way beyond tired or worn out.

Your gut is out of whack. You are distracted and miserable most of the time. On top of this is the dark presence, the horrific shadow side of the high level narcissist. What you know for sure is that eventually he or she will start screaming at you, picking you apart in a low voice filled with derision and mocking. One of his/favorites is humiliating you. Humiliation is one of the worst sensations we can experience. It is intolerable; we squirm inside, we become small and want to disappear, to become invisible. These cruelties visited on you by the high level are a regular feature, sometimes daily, wearing you thin, jangling your nervous system causing anxiety and panic, For some re-activating their childhood trauma as children in a narcissistic family.

You feel the old vulnerabilities, the childhood deprivation, the raw fear.

All of this is particularly alarming since your narcissistic partner/spouse doesn’t give a damn about you or you well being. In fact he is incensed that you are ill and pulling him down. You are bad for his image. Having a partner who is not “Up” all the time is very unappealing. The flawless narcissists despises your chronic exhaustion and uses every opportunity to both deride and abandon you.

Slowly at times very slowly you begin to sense that you are moving through the exhaustion, feeling the beginnings of strength. You do research and seek good professional help. With time and an inner resolve and connection with a few individuals whom you trust you know that in order to heal and restore your physical and psychological health you will need to move along your own recovery pathways that activate the restorative parasympathetic body/mind systems, daily self care: rest, sleep, excellent nutrition, hydration, Nature’s healing gifts, the use of your unique creative gifts, your form of spiritual practice: basic restorative yoga, stretching, gentle ancient movements of chi gong. Another phenomenal gift of healing: listening to beautiful music that moves inside with its beauty and the promise of renewal, strength and transformation, the fullness of your original true self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

You are distracted and miserable most of the time. On top of this is the dark presence, the horrific shadow side of the high level narcissist. What you know for sure is that eventually he or she will start screaming at you, picking you apart in a low voice filled with derision and mocking. One of his/favorites is humiliating you. Humiliation is one of the worst sensations we can experience. It is intolerable; we squirm inside, we become small and want to disappear, to become invisible. These cruelties visited on you by the high level are a regular feature, sometimes daily, wearing you thin, jangling your nervous system causing anxiety and panic, For some re-activating their childhood trauma as children in a narcissistic family.

You feel the old vulnerabilities, the childhood deprivation, the raw fear.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists – Masters at Re-Inventing Themselves

Creating and revising their biographies out of whole cloth is a special gift mastered by the high level narcissist.

The high level conjures up stories about himself and his origins. They paint an illuminated heroic picture of their beginnings including their ancestors. According to their stories they come through biological lines of extraordinary individuals: great thinkers, scientists, leaders, –everything about their family tree is special and unprecedented. As he or she tells the elaborate tales they are very believable. There are stories of heroic deeds, fortunes made, great leaders and entrepreneurs, everything about this background is unparalleled. The high level has told this story so many times in different ways that it is automatic now with no need for memorization. Of course this is not the real history but this doesn’t matter to the narcissist. It is the glowing, grandiose narrative that enthralls others that matters not the simple truth. The narcissist believes his own fictional tale.

Along the way the high level creates and conjures special roles for his partner and spouse, making sure that this person fits perfectly with the impeccable image that he is constantly projecting.

These fictions become true biographical narratives are activated by the high level narcissist’s false self identity. Rather than growing up identifying as a true authentic self, the high level narcissist, especially if he is a golden child, from the beginning is treated with the greatest deference, like a little prince or princess, superior to his siblings. He is the golden one without flaw or imperfection. As a result of being placed in this role there are no limits put on him or her. The golden one doesn’t have a sense of limits or psychological boundaries and lacks empathy to other family members and others with whom he associates. Yes, he is often very charming and convincing and gifted socially but this is a purposeful performance all part of his influence and power over others. No true conscience develops in these individuals. They are smart enough not to get caught but they lack empathy and are completely self focused calloused and obsessed with their reaching the heights of power and control. If the must manipulate others to achieve this, that works for them. They place themselves, their self importance and sense of perfection at the top and look down on those who have not achieved their mastery of deception, manipulation and exploitation. They are always reaching for the next summit and as they rise and move up, deserting others whom they have used to maneuver to the top. These are ace competitors who will do anything to win!!!

Those who are partnered with or married to these ultimate exploiters has caused you incalculable psychological, emotional and financial harm over many years. Your mind is very discerning and you have done extensive research on the narcissistic personality and know that it is not possible to have genuine relationship with a narcissistic personality.

The wise intuitive voice inside of you makes it clear that the narcissistic personality is not inclined to change despite all of your efforts and your loyalty.

After a complex and long process you are awakened and know that you are entitled to expressing yourself freely, to experience solitude and inner peace, deserving respect and empathy and the use of your many creative gifts.

You are moving forward along the pathways of psychological transformation and the fulfillment of your unique individuality.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.