concealed narcissist - The Narcissist In Your Life

Aggressive Overt High Level Narcissists – Psychologically Dangerous to Their Spouses and Children

Are you or have you been at the mercy of an individual who constantly screams, demeans, humiliates, brags and shames you. Likely, you are dealing with an aggressive overt high level narcissist. They can be described as an obsessive maelstrom of activity. Maelstrom refers to violent turmoil. The literal meaning is “a powerful whirlpool in the sea or a river.”

These cruel, highly charged individuals are self obsessed, without conscience; predatory without psychological boundaries— corrosive characters who do not change. Their entire focus is on Winning no matter the consequences to others—spouses, ex-spouses, partners, children.

Each day you are existing in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system—your adrenaline rushes through, your cortisol runs high, especially when you are trying to sleep. Night time with one of these predatory personalities can means the worst. You feel so vulnerable in the darkness; you wait to see if this horrid person will purposely confront you, scream, accuse, make menace with you. You lie there, keeping one eye open, waiting for the next sound, movement, sensation. For many of you this is a reprise of the childhood trauma that has haunted you for decades. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you never felt safe; you couldn’t let down. There was neither privacy nor calmness; no possibility of solitude or a quieting of your nervous system to parasympathetic mode.

There is a long debate about whether aggression of temperament is inborn or learned, nature or nurture. A recent study by the University of Montreal indicates that some individuals are born more aggressive than others. This research indicates that “aggression isn’t only learned, but inborn; and one’s environment can worsen or improve this behavior as one ages.”

The following list of predatory behaviors on the part of the aggressive high level narcissist offer you a perspective and an appreciation of what you are experiencing:

Lack of respect for the needs of others

Grandiosity and extreme self entitlement

Winning for self at the expense of others

Humiliating you as a tool of control and submission

Infantile, regressive two year old temper tantrum behavior

Everything revolves around the high level narcissists: their needs and demands

After years of research and insights and the accumulation of excessive psychological and physical stress you make the decision to leave the high level narcissist and take back, renew, restore, transform your true authentic creative self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., LMFT

High Level Narcissists – Masters of Varieties of Lies

“A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built. Lies are automatic. They flow from him as effortlessly as sweat coming through pores… He (the narcissist) knows he can lie and get away with it…The narcissist insists that the way must be clear for him to move ahead…He looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation…He is glib with his lies, he shades the truth or tells an outright lie.”

You cannot have a real relationship with someone who lies to you. Those who are partnered with or married to a high level narcissist are constantly being lied to by their spouse or partner.

High level narcissists are masters of deceit and take pride in their lies. They have developed this activity to a high art.

Compartmentalization -The high level narcissist is highly secretive. He cannot be authentic, real or true. One of his devices is compartmentalization. He often leads a secret life It is not unusual for these individuals to have several “close” relationships going forward simultaneously. Being married doesn’t interfere with the high level narcissist’s straying to other partners. These individuals don’t have a well developed conscience and are known to give in to their libidinal proclivities. They rationalize about these behaviors and always can give themselves perfect excuses for their immoral behaviors. For the high level narcissists the people around him are all part of his/her role as an exalted, highly entitled individual. The high level is the puppeteer who creates roles for those who share his world. The narcissist feels no guilt for these betrayals of trust. Lacking a moral compass, this kind of behavior is very easy for these individuals.

Re-writing history – High level narcissists are constantly revising their personal and work histories, resumes, family histories, academic and professional bona fides.

Double Downing on their Lies – High levels are completely shameless. They look deep you’re your eyes and lie directly to you. Narcissists develop the dark art of lying very early. Just think about it. If we didn’t have a conscience wouldn’t it be smoother and easier to tell clever untruths that increased your personal power and control and enlarged your gilded image.

Lies of omission – High level narcissists are outrageously cunning at their lies of omission. They leave out whole swaths of forbidden behaviors that they know will exasperate their partners, spouses, ex-spouses, children, business associates. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. They are driven by ego and their ever-present goals of reaching the highest summits of power, control and the fruits of their excessive greed.

The high level narcissist does not change since this is a fixed personality disorder. For the narcissist the upside for him or her is utilizing their “talents” for mendacity to their advantage. Reaching the highest rungs of the ladder is what matters most to them.

You are different from the high level narcissist. You have a finely developed conscience; you don’t lie; you don’t deceive people. Your relationships are genuine and not used to control and overpower others. You are capable of deep empathy and are capable of putting yourself in the place of another with regard to their feelings, thoughts, intentions and the problems and issues that challenge them.

Here’s to you, an individual of integrity, perseverance, spiritual vitality, traveling your unique pathways of transformation, evolution and creativity.

High Level Narcissists Cause You Perpetual Extreme Exhaustion

You have always thought that when you get very tired, even exhausted, that sleeping and resting would bounce you right back to your vital energy.This has worked for you in the past; not now.

Year after year, decade after decade you have remained married to and partnered with the high level narcissist. There have been so many perks to this union: trips, treks, lovely residences, socializing with the brightest and most successful. You knew how to make your partner shine in these venues.

You are his/her greatest asset, narcissistic supply. You are bright, attractive with a perfect appearance, phenomenal manners, socially sophisticated, able to talk with anyone and make them feel terrific about themselves.

You have been the “fixer” throughout this marriage, the one that knows how to smooth over your spouse’s most awkward, rude and callous behaviors. You were always there to set things right.

With a full career of your own, you made invaluable contributions to your spouse’s professional and social image. You introduced him to influential individuals, contacts that are directly linked to his climb to success.

Your exceedingly demanding roles throughout the marriage have taken a psychophysiological toll. Within the last year you have noticed that you are not springing back from your spouse’s endless rage fests, cruel recriminations, litanies of lies, accusations, humiliations.

You feel exhausted now in a different way; it is deeper and unrelenting. Even when you rest, you sense you have few or no reserves. What is happening to you? It is a possible that your oxidative stress has reached a very high level. It is possible that you have HPA axis disorder (hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal) a dysregulation of hormones that causes a variety of symptoms including unremitting exhaustion, insomnia, digestive disorders, mood swings, blood sugar imbalances, difficulty getting up in the morning, complete lack of motivation. (There can be many reasons for these symptoms)

Pay attention to the signals you are receiving from your body/mind. Listen to your intuitive messages.

Your high level narcissistic spouse is causing you extreme chronic distress.

You are entitled to down time, rest, sleep, nourishing food, gentle movement when you can, good hydration, ways of comforting yourself – listening to books, reading for enjoyment and distraction, listening to beautiful music. Pay attention to your inner wisdom not the narcissistic spouse.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Concealed Narcissists Fool Everyone

Concealeds are the most clever, cunning forms of narcissists. They hide behind their impeccable images of pseudo empathy, self effacement, even holiness.

These individuals fool a lot of clinical professionals even while they are in treatment when their marriages have gone awry. Concealeds pretend like they want to work on and save the marriage. On some occasions they convince the couples therapist that the other party is to blame for the failure of the marriage and flips him or her to their point of view. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Concealed narcissists are every where. Some are found in spiritual groups and churches. The spiritual narcissist is a special breed who is masterful at deceit. These individuals magnetize others to them with their pseudo empathy, fake thoughtfulness and persuasion of their devotion to your well being and spiritual growth. There are numerous narcissistic spiritual teachers who fool their followers, take their money, brain wash those closest to them and tell outright harmful lies camouflaged with empty promises. Beneath the holy surface, it is always about them and what they want and must have to fill their psychological emptiness with constant narcissistic supplies of praise, adulation and respect.

Most important—Don’t blame yourself for being fooled by a concealed narcissist. This happens to the most experienced clinical experts.

Practice self care each day. Putting yourself first is not selfish; it is essential. It is possible that if you have been raised by narcissists you may not understand that you are entitled to lead your life with deep inner peace, to have loving and caring relationships that are authentic and to claim and manifest the full use of your many creative gifts.

Self care takes many forms. Get the sleep to which you are entitled; exercise your way; pay very close attention to and act upon your intuitive insights; make friendships only with those who are worthy of your trust; discover a way for you to quiet the body/mind through meditation, prayer or some other form of slowing the thinking process, write spontaneously each day even if this is a few sentences. This stokes the creative process.

Be kind to yourself at all times.

Concealed Narcissists Induce Shame in Their Children

Shame is a dreadful, intolerable feeling, a visceral reaction that goes deep inside of us. Often, children carry their shame into adulthood, especially if they are raised by narcissistic parents. When we feel ashamed we want to disappear, to hide where no one can find us.

The narcissistic parent expects perfection from his child. A child learns how to feel about himself through the loving attachment of the parent–the empathy, affection, acceptance of the son or daughter as a unique human being. The good parent accepts his/her child’s true authentic self.

The narcissistic non-parent expects the child to mirror him perfectly and to obey without question and become a source of narcissistic supply. This occurs frequently through the narcissistic parent’s tapping into what he perceives as a child’s “good qualities” — physical attractiveness, high intellectual capacity, athletic prowess, social skills.

The child with this highly dysfunctional parent is never permitted to be his authentic self–that wonderful spontaneous, creative, joyful individual that is expressing the real self. Instead, the concealed narcissist projects shame into his small child from the beginning–telling them that they are always wrong, stupid, unworthy, worthless. The messages the child receives are: ” You must do what I say perfectly or you will be severely punished because you are bad.” “You are an embarrassment to me, a disgrace, a nothing, a nobody.” “All you do is make mistakes. What is the matter with you.” “You are a cry baby. Stop your whimpering, you stupid kid.” These and other horrid messages are hurled at the child each day. Sometimes they come through nonverbal cues, looks of disdain and hatred in the face of the narcissistic parent directed at the child.

Children raised in this psychological environment of being demeaned and humiliated feel deep shame inside themselves very early.

On the surface the concealed narcissistic parent is all smiles, lovely manners, impeccable image, lauded, praised and worshipped as an outstanding human being by professional peers, social acquaintances, other family members not privy to their dark, cruel secrets. Those who do not know this mother or father would never guess that beneath the surface is a psychological and emotional monster who is terrorizing and shaming his children.

I hear from many children of concealed narcissists who have suffered throughout their lives with inflicted shame. They have a very difficult and challenging road that they travel to healing, recovery and the fulfillment of their creative and spiritual gifts.

I have spoken to and heard from many of you who are in the process of healing the shame that has bound you and are on the road to rediscovering your true self and leading the life that you deserve. Remember to put the emphasis on taking very good care of yourself for the first time. Continue to pay close attention to your intuitive gifts and your creative energies.