Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

How Many Times will the Narcissist Recycle You—Never Again

Many women and some men speak about their traumatic and turbulent marriages to narcissists. Some of them have been married to these individuals for decades and continue to return to this abusive environment. The narcissistic spouse makes empty promises often after one of these egregious blow-ups. He might even cry and tell you what a horrible person he has been. Now he is so sorry and he desperately wants to change. He will even go into therapy to get professional guidance. ( If a narcissist goes into therapy it is for a very short time and changing himself is not the motive.)

Narcissistic spouses stray frequently and find various partners–often more than one at a time. Wives often suspect this but put it out of their minds as too painful to acknowledge. They rationalize and say—“It’s just my imagination–it couldn’t be true.” “I know he loves me.”

If you don’t go by the narcissist’s stringent rules, he/she will punish you and if you refuse to bow to his will, he will threaten to leave you and take all of the assets. This is enough to scare a lot of spouses,especially if they have been married to one of the pariah’s for a long period of time. In some cases there has been physical abuse perpetrated by the narcissist. Mostly it is a constant barrage of criticism, humiliations, barked orders, perpetual disappoint with you because you are not perfect like him. At times the narcissist goes his own way and threatens divorce, leaving you alone for weeks at a time while he is on business trips. When he returns, you are still walking on pins and needles, wondering if he is serious about a separation. Women who are financially independent often have great difficulty deciding to sever the relationship with their narcissistic spouse. They have become accustomed to the abuse. Sometimes it is a familiar reprise of their victimization as children. Beneath it all, they don’t feel worthy of someone who is empathic and kind to them.

There comes a time for many non-narcissistic spouses when they make the decision that they cannot and will not play the back and forth recycling game of the narcissistic spouse. This time they have had more than enough. They quietly make their plans without revealing them to the narcissistic spouse. They make sure that their personal finances are in order and plan their separation from this non-partner. Some of them fair well with skilled psychotherapy, the help of their friends and family and finally a focus on their own lives– professional and personal. They realize that they deserve to be respected, to live with inner peace and to utilize all of their creative gifts to the utmost. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Your Finely Tuned Intuition Protects against the Narcissist

Intuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than rational thought. You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes forth from intuition. To get in touch with your intuition it is essential that you are in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system that part of us that represents the calming healing part of ourselves. this is both scientific and mystical. Everyone can learn to tune in to his intuition if you become receptive to this great gift.
Deep breathing through the nostrils that is done through yoga asanas is one of the ways to get in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system. Gentle yoga poses using nostril breathing calms the nervous system and puts us in a state of restoration. The more often we are consistently in this state the stronger our capacity to heal. Powers of intuition are enhanced by calming the body and the mind.

The narcissist overwhelms everyone in his environment. He is the powerful one, the ruler and controller of everyone’s life. When you grow up with or are married to a narcissist, your life does not belong to you. the narcissist has chosen acolytes. It is not unusual for narcissistic parents to pick one or two children whom they mold into perfect replicas of themselves. These individuals are conditioned to becoming false grandiose selves that develop into narcissistic personalities.

Those who are married to narcissists often wake up and realize that they are being abused, that their lives are narrowing, their options diminishing, their gifts are faded memories, their energies are sapped. They have reached a turning point. They start studying the narcissistic personality everywhere they can get this material. They open their eyes and recognized sometimes for the first time that their parents are narcissists and that they are married to a narcissist or that they have narcissistic siblings or an entire narcissistic family. They are at a decision point pivotal to the rest of their lives. They now know they can no longer live as a prisoner of the narcissist. They move step by step toward detaching themselves psychologically from this toxic individual. Some find help with skilled psychotherapists who understand the true nature of the narcissist and can form a strong therapeutic alliance that will provide them with support and insight. Developing your deep intuition is part of the freedom process. Use the techniques that work for you to become more and more receptive to your intuition. It is waiting for you to ask for assistance. The more often you use this great gift the more powerful and natural to you it becomes. Intuition is very real and can be highly developed with consistent work. It is part of your pathway to freedom and protection from the narcissist in your life and opens the doors to healing and the reclaiming of your real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and Intenrational
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

High Level Narcissistic Sociopaths—Are You Married to One?

The worldly power of High Level Narcissistic Sociopaths is growing. The narcissistic style has become the norm among different “in” groups withing the society. It is perfectly ok if not expected to be ruthless to succeed. If you are not ruining someone else’s career so that you can get ahead, then you are not living up to your potential. This is the real attitude (not openly discussed) in many corporations. Those who make crucial decisions without regard to clients or co-workers has become the norm in many work environments.

This is also true in our personal lives. So many women and men are drawn to this personality disorder. They are charming, convincing. They are tremendous actors and sell themselves to you. They begin by focusing like a laser beam on how beautiful, handsome, brilliant, talented you are. You are the most extraordinary person they have ever met. Their magic begins like a gravitational pull we can;t resist. They are very persistent when they are after you. They are masterful at the chase and in winning you. Tremendous seducers.

Are you married to one of these individuals? Does your spouse lack empathy? Does he or she only have conscience when it means getting caught? Is he a master of lying? Is he highly critical of you despite all of your efforts? Is there always a sense of his superiority and your inferiority? Are you subject to non-stop rages that can go on and off for days at a time? Is he unscrupulous about how he makes money? Has he been responsible for causing professional and/or financial harm to others in his professional life? Are you being used by this person to enhance his image? Is there a genuine lack of affection and caring when you need support? These selfish individuals always come first even if you have been married to them for decades. Some spouses stay with the narcissistic sociopath because they are very successful and provide a very comfortable lifestyle. You are being criticized and dismissed. The narcissist is wearing you down. Your creative gifts are being squandered.

If your spouse is a narcissistic sociopath you can make the decision to stay in the “relationship” or sever it. Think about the life that you deserve–to be respected, to use all of your creative gifts, to have a sense of inner peace and privacy, to be valued for yourself. No other person can tell you what to think, what to feel and how to use your unique gifts. Learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists—Doing their Dirty Work in Secret

When we think of narcissists the grandiose, man or woman of the hour, magnetic figure comes into our minds. Certainly there are many highly successful narcissists who fit this description.
There is another kind of narcissist I call covert whom most people would never think possesses the same fixed and destructive psychopathology as his extroverted relative. Coverts are always under cover. They appear to be meek. We see them blending into the background–always at our service. Some of them drip with compliments to us. They become instant followers. They are full of compliments They ask us questions that make us look very smart. Their body gestures are humble and self-effacing. They appear to be embarrassed by their own presence.
Covert narcissists are very sneaky. They get as much inside personal information they can about you.. They put this in their back pocket so they can use it on you later when they decide to make a power move and wipe you out. They thread themselves closer and closer into your life. This happens in many romantic relationships. The CV has done some research and realizes quickly that you are a great catch—short or long range–a week, a month or even a marriage. Coverts like to see their plans become successful. This is all done with deliberately. Narcissists don’t love anyone–always remember, they are incapable of any real real feelings for another human being that denotes affection, love, caring, etc. With their quiet ways, they draw you in. You may even feel sorry for the CV who is making a play for you He or she is awkward and you think this is innocent and charming. Finally you fall hard, especially if the intimacy card is well played.  If you are just coming off of a painful divorce and breakup, all the better for the CV. You are very vulnerable.
The CV treats you like royalty–Anything you want honey? I’m here for you 24/7.  This is so appealing to most women. “What a selfless kind person this is?” “Finally, someone I can trust.” None of this is true but you don’t know that yet. Months go by and everything is wonderfully intense and exciting. Not long and the marriage plans are made. After you have been together for a while you start to notice that the sarcastic remarks are pointed at you more frequently, the accusations are coming more rapidly; you see his lips curl more often. But then he’s all sweetness again and you are thrown off. He tells you a story that you believe. He has been having a rough time financially—some  bad breaks due to unscrupulous people that took advantage of him. You believe him and give him access to your private  bank accounts. They are placed in both of your names. He has already researched your family’s monetary worth and becomes very chummy with your parents. They trust him completely as well. Time moves forward but the nature of the narcissist does not change. You are being betrayed and keep making excuses for his lack of attention to you, his dismissiveness. One day when you least suspect it, he decides you are causing him too much stress and the answer is a divorce. You can’t believe it but it is true. You have been set up all of this time. He hires a very tough attorney and fights you cunningly. As a result he ends up with half of all the assets. Weeks later in the aftermath while you are wiped out from the horror of this experience, he has flown out of town on the winds–of course with the goods he intended to take from you minutes after he met and seduced you.  This happens frequently with CVs. They have such great cover and a masterful act. To protect yourself from the covert narcissist, research the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop Making Excuses for Narcissistic Spouse’s Abominable Behavior

Many people repeat the traumas and horrors of childhood by marrying individuals who are highly abusive, explosive, cruel, cold, manipulative and duplicitous. Those who survived the wars of abusive childhoods don’t always escape from this gross mistreatment in adulthood. Many start the cycle again by marrying a narcissist. Eventually, despite his charm, allure, accomplishments and smooth talk, you will be faced with the real nature of the narcissist you have married. He will start critically picking at you for no reason. One moment he is telling you how wonderful you are. In the next he is pointing the finger at some small mistake or oversight or better yet, inventing terrible character flaws that you have that exist only in his deluded mind. You are confused; you take the blame. You are confused. You might even think that you are mentally unbalanced. Narcissists love to tell their spouses that they are not thinking clearly. It is a clever cruel accusation. There is something about being told that we are not in our right minds that strikes a chord that has a mighty charge. Narcissists are incapable in introspection but they know like a great predator just when and where to strike. Narcissists are dirty underhanded players. They constantly lie to their spouses. They convince you they are loyal and they have their eyes all over the place. They tell you they are flat broke and they have bulging hidden bank accounts. They tell you they are spiritual and they spend most of their time, cheating other people. In fact the narcissist cheats you out of your life.

If you are a kind person your tendency is to make constant excuses for the narcissist. Many spouses are terrified of being on their own. Others expect the incoming fire of abuse since they have been accustomed to this since childhood—It is all too familiar. When we have been in a constant psychological war of survival since birth, there is a tendency to repeat this pattern in other relationships.

There comes a time for many victims of marital narcissistic abuse—a reckoning–when the spouse can no longer and will not take it any more. It is over. The fork in the road has come. The deep intuition of the victim has been telling the abused spouse over and over again to sever the relationship and finally the message has been heard. Many spouses listen and follow up on this knowledge. It is not easy; it is challenging but they make the break from the narcissistic spouse. This is a great victory, a necessary and positive change in a life that now begins anew. I have seen this happen many times. It is different for each individual. The freedom of mind and heart and the creativity that springs forth and the making of new friendships and other real relationships is waiting at the end of this process. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Let Narcissistic Spouse Psychologically Detour Your Life

Narcissists are always seeking what they want and must have. They zone in on people who will get them to the winner’s circle. Whether it is money, power, sexual attraction, stealing your creative ideas—the narcissist is always there to take from you. Narcissists are craven–They feed off of others. It is part of their nature to bring you into their psychological sphere with their charm, promises and allure, to use up all that you have to offer and then to disregard you. This is an all too familiar pattern. It is important to understand that no matter what they promise—whether it is material comfort, financial stability, making your dreams come true—they will in the end fail you and worse they can make your life a living hell day and night. This is as predictable as phases of the Moon. It ‘s only a matter of when the dark side of the narcissist will show the horrific side he has hidden from you. Often there are hints even in the beginning. You will notice the need to control you, to want everything to look perfect–including you. You will observe the demands that the narcissist makes on other people whom he intimidates.

If you stay with the narcissist you are in some way taking a detour from your own life. Some spouses manage to create a zone of detachment around themselves for protection. But is this an authentic, loving relationship?

Those who decide that they must lead their own lives, grow psychologically and emotionally on their own terms and expand their creative gifts in freedom, take the step toward divorce. This can be daunting since narcissists are very clever at hiding assets, blaming everything that went wrong with the marriage on you, and telling relatives and friends outlandish lies about you. Those who believe them are not your supportive relatives or your friends. Nevertheless, I have seen many partners make this decision and move through the process of freeing themselves. They have endured and prevailed. They are now directing their own lives and discovering that they are moving forward toward greater individuation and the use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Make You Feel Badly About Yourself

No one can make us feel one way or the other. It is up to us to know who we are—positive and negative. This is how we evolve as individuals. When you are married to a narcissist, your life is taken over by a powerful, controlling negative personality. The spouse may be very upbeat, friendly and charming at times. He or she make plans. They tell you how much they love and care about you. These are the “good times” with the narcissist and usually occur in the beginning of the relationship. The narcissist’s mood can change in a flash. He or she can flip and become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at any moment. These quick changes are due to what is happening inside of the narcissist’s psyche. The narcissist doesn’t understand himself at all. He has massive defense mechanisms that he uses to unconsciously project his self hatred on to those closest to him–wives and children, and in some instances co-workers. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. He must constantly go out into the external environment to seek praise and adulation to feel more grandiose and superior.

Most often if you are married to a narcissist you are psychologically embattled most of the time. This person is continually telling you that you are defective, stupid, incompetent and their favorite word, crazy. Even when you know one hundred percent that you are not crazy, this kind of accusation can be very frightening. Actually the narcissist is telling us a lot about the chaos in his own mind.

If you were psychologically abused as a child or had narcissistic parents (which always means a form of abuse) you are likely to internalize these cruel comments and feel badly about yourself. Studying the narcissistic personality disorder is the beginning of your freedom and feeling differently about yourself. You will make the psychological separation from his/her psychopathology and yourself. You are not perfect–no one is–but you do not deserve to be the object of the narcissist’s primitive projections. They do not belong to you. They are all about the narcissist. You will begin to unravel this puzzle and release yourself from the pain you have endured so long. I know you can do it. You deserve to live in freedom, inner peace and to use all of your unique gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and Win

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines–Your life has just begun. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Expect Empathy from Your Narcissistic Spouse

“The narcissist suffers from a hardened heart, and is incapable of empathy. Lack of empathy is a signature personality trait.. .of the narcissistic personality disorder.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). Many narcissists develop a convincing pseudo empathy. They are consummate actors who appear to care deeply about your feelings from your perspective. They put on a masterful performance and fool many people, especially those whom they have mesmerized to become marital partners.

The narcissist is incapable of putting himself emotionally and psychologically into another’s person’s place even if it is one of his own children. Long ago when he was a child, he/she never developed the capacity for empathy. I have witnessed very young children who are empathic—they are deeply moved by the pain that someone else is enduring. These little ones try to comfort the person who is suffering.

The narcissist is groomed to only think about himself, his superiority, brilliance and achieving all of his goals despite the grave psychological consequences for others whom he will hurt and betray.

Become aware of your capacity to know if someone is truly empathic. Being empathic is not based on what is convenient for us or the right time of day or night, or whether we’re going to impress someone or obtain material gain. Empathy comes from our deepest humanity and it is given freely. There are no time limits or measurements to its enduring force for healing. Living with someone who psychologically cold, will wear you down, pick away at your feelings of self confidence, make you feel isolated and feel that you cannot turn to your partner to deeply understand and care about you, especially when you are in a crisis and need help on the spot.

As these marriages go forward it becomes evident that the narcissistic spouse is incapable of empathy and to make it more severe, this person cannot show deep genuine concern for the children you share. He may pretend to be emotionally invested but much of this has to do with his need to control his spouse and children with an iron will. If you are married to a narcissist are becoming more acutely aware of this deficit in his personality, seriously consider your options. You can stay with the person who is very unlikely to change. You can have an arrangement with him that is a marriage in name only or you can divorce him/her.

Think carefully about remaining in a marriage with an individual is cannot genuinely give and receive love, a person who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings and your suffering. Do the research about the narcissistic personality. Knowledge is very helpful in clarifying what we want to believe from the truth. Leading a life with truth at your side frees you up and protects you from narcissistic influences–especially spouses who are laser focused only on their next acquisitions and triumphs. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissistic Spouse–You Become the Bad Person

Covert narcissists are very difficult to detect—even for some clinical professionals. If you have been fooled by a few, don’t blame yourself. They are charmingly cunning, under cover operatives. In many cases it can take a spouse years even decades to recognize that they are married to a narcissist. They have taken the stinging blows of cruel projections, believing that they were at fault.

The covert narcissist uses the camouflage of being a low key person who doesn’t make waves. He/she appears to be unobtrusive even humble. Covert narcissists scurry around, waiting to help you—at your service, especially in the courtship phase and beginnings of the marriage. You wonder:”This is too good to be true but this guy is willing to do anything for me.” Many spouses are so taken with this total devotion and apparent selflessness that they don’t see the red flags flying in their peripheral view.

Covert narcissists begin revealing themselves with small digs and criticisms. You wave it off and tell yourself that your spouse has a lot of career pressures and you have to be understanding. They play a game which I call “I’m up; you’re down” . They know when you are vulnerable and at a low emotional ebb. They often take these times to brag about how indispensable they are at work. This is based on their claim of meticulousness; they don’t make any mistakes. This is untrue but the accusations are coming so fast you feel dizzy. Without warning they point out major mistakes you have made (some of them going back decades). They pick away at you until they draw a strong emotional response. They have caught you by surprise and you are very upset. You feel badly about yourself. You are confused and believe that what your spouse is telling the truth. He isn’t; it’s a lie. You feel emotionally unsteady and trapped. These accusations go deeply into the victimized spouse and reside there. If you have had an abusive childhood and were neglected, it is possible that you have carried feelings of inferiority and inadequacy into your adulthood. This combined with the continuing attacks of your convert narcissistic spouse creates a psychologically toxic environment for you.

Some spouses finally recognize that they are being tormented by someone who has a serious psychological disorder. Many spouses research and discover that they are married to a narcissist who has disguised himself as a good person. He has all of the major traits: lack of empathy, deceptive, frequent rages, manipulative, obsession with a perfect image, chronic patterns of cruelty.

The victimized spouse often makes the decision to sever the marital non relationship. After many years of being the recipient of verbal and emotional abuse, some of these individuals find that quality psychotherapy helps them to re-set their attitudes and feelings about themselves and to recognize that they are good human beings. They are not flawless but real and capable of giving and receiving love. The move forward to lead lives of inner peace, use of their unique gifts and feeling entitled to be treated with respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com