Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists are restless individuals. They are always searching their environments, scouting out narcissistic supplies—attractive men or women who will come under their spell, business opportunities that will give them the highest yield even if that means running off with the money and cheating everyone else, opportunities for public adulation and adoring audiences. Grandiose narcissists love nothing more than being the center of attention on the largest stages—elegant parties, prestigious entertainment and sporting events, etc. Narcissists don’t stand still for very long. If they find you attractive and vulnerable to their charm, they will quickly have you in the palm of their hands. They make you feel that you are at the very center of their lives. You are the most wonderful and unique person they have ever met. Some narcissists are quick to give gifts–often impressive ones if they are in high income brackets. they love to dazzle you with surprises–special private dinners, jewelry, a day at a magnificent spa–They know exactly how to pull your strings. These kinds of behaviors are prevalent in the beginning when the narcissist is baiting you. After you have been with him for a while, the narcissist is inclined to take you more for granted—You are no longer the novelty you once were. Now you are labelled for him as a “filler”–someone he can call at a moment’s notice. You may think that the narcissist is finding you indispensable to his life. At this stage, the opposite is true. He has already moved on to another special woman—or three or four. These fellows are masterful jugglers.

You have become for him the woman he brings into his life when nothing more exciting is happening. You have slipped from number one to way back in the pack. From the beginning this reality was always going to be true. Narcissists don’t value anyone but themselves. They are predatory–always searching for the next best thing that they will manipulate, pursue and control. If a narcissist whom you have known in the past comes back into your life, oozing with charm, telling you that you are unforgettable—nip it in the bud with no equivocations or hesitations. You are a “filler” for no one. You are a person who respects herself, expects to be treated with courtesy and consideration and who values her individuality, creative gifts, her time and energy. She has relationships with people whom she respects and where there is reciprocation of understanding and deep caring. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

After you have separated from and divorced the narcissist you will go through a time of adjustment. For many there is an enormous sense of relief since the marriage has been treacherous and cruel for many years. Even if you have anticipated your divorce, there is an aftermath that many individuals experience. You have been under extreme duress for so many years you made not realize that your level of stress during the entire marriage has been very high. Physiologically this means that the non-narcissistic spouse has been living with a high level of hyper-vigilance, apprehension and chronic anxiety. When we feel endangered our nervous system goes in the sympathetic survival mode what is called fight or flight syndrome. In a state of relaxation and repose the nervous system is in parasympathetic mode. This is the state the nervous system needs to be in to activate psychophysiological healing. Many of those who divorce narcissists are incapable of remembering if they have ever felt the relaxation and repose of the parasympathetic nervous system. This is a natural state—a condition that everyone deserves to experience.

Once you are free from sharing your life with the narcissist you can practice a variety of techniques to get in touch with the natural calming part of your nature. This can be achieved by practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nostrils, participating in a form of meditation in a way that works for you. Taking time to appreciate your own solitude is a source of activating healing. Some individuals find great comfort and calming in keeping a regular journal that they use to express their thoughts and feelings as a way of releasing this long held pain. Other good habits to get into to help your recovery process is eating healthy and a good sleep routine with at least 8 hours of rest. If you’re struggling to sleep then look into getting a memory foam mattress. As you work through the healing process, this calm state will become increasingly familiar to your body/mind and you will discover a deep peace inside. As the months and years pass and you continue these practices, the feeling of calmness will deepen. Your will lead the life that you were meant to lead. You deserve to be fully liberated. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

It is remarkable how often narcissists project their filthy venom on to others (Except those they are grooming to become part of their cult of personality and power). If you already know that an individual is a narcissist, protect yourself in advance. One of the first rules is not to be alone with them—that’s when they go deeply cruel and dirty. They feel that they have you cornered and they pin you with a stealth attack. You feel it coming out of no where and say to yourself: “What the hell was that?” You think to yourself and wonder if you actually heard what this person was saying. Narcissists making these malevolent moves are over the top so steer clear of being with them, especially solo. If you know you will be in their presence, prepare ahead of time. Remind yourself of their specific psychopathology. They may be you sibling, in-law, parent, etc.—but above all they are a narcissistic personality disorder and their character profile in not going to change—ever. Do not blame yourself. These ugly projections are actually unconscious psychological material that they cannot contain themselves and are throwing your way. Learn how to practice detachment. One of the ways of becoming more detached is through some form of quieting the mind. Meditation offers us many opportunities for calming the mind. Find of way of calming yourself and your mind that works for you. This provides us with the capacity to have a more balanced perspective and not to overreact to someone else’s drama. Always remind yourself that you deserve respect and consideration as an individual. Give yourself a lot of credit for learning about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person has highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under this extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change—-eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn’t want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist’s demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn’t matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel, and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well-being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can’t be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in you will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems. Many tend to resort to taking supplements like AHCC Plus to compensate for their deteriorating immune system and even tend to try to seek out the best ahcc supplement they can for themselves. But what is to be understood here is that no matter the supplements and medical consultations, a toxic environment can potentially be the downfall of a person’s health.

First and foremost—Think about yourself first–the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don’t need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases, you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don’t have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

In one of Shakespeare’s greatest plays, Hamlet, in the first scene the ghost of his father appears and speaks to Hamlet. The father has been poisoned by his brother, Claudius. The dead father says: “One may smile and smile and be a villain.” In similar ways the thousand watt smile of the narcissist comes to mind—the penetrating, unblinking gaze looking you over, taking you in. The smile that caresses you, that wants to possess you. Narcissists are masterful at fusing psychologically with their next living narcissistic supply, you. The gaze is riveting; you cannot look away. The communication there in the air is so strong that you are indispensable to them. The are making the seduction complete. You feel like abdicating your will to them. In the back of your mind a voice is saying: “There is danger here. This is a masterful act. Wake up, Recognize this man.”

This scenario takes place not only in plays but in every day life when the narcissist decides he wants something from you and is determined to get it. The best way to recognize the narcissistic personality disorder is through your study of this character disorder. You discover that these personalities are severely pathological, fixed, not likely to change. Narcissists are pervasive in our society today. The endings of these “plays”, like Hamlet, are not happy ones. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Some adults still suffer from the trauma they experienced as small children as a result of the brutality of a narcissistic older sister. From the beginning the younger child was frightened, even from babyhood. Often parents tend to ignore these activities or don’t even notice them because THEY ARE DONE IN SECRET. When the baby cries the older sister makes an excuse and says that the baby is fussy or hungry. So many parents, especially those who are narcissistic and completely fixated on their own precious lives, believe this narcissistic monster child of theirs. These terrifying and traumatizing incidents can occur hundreds of times throughout the victim’s childhood and the perversity and cruelty of the narcissistic older sister is never addressed. The victimized child has been living in a war zone of covert and overt activity all of her life. As they grow older, the victimized child often find ways of being invisible. She leaves the house frequently to be with friends, goes to the library or even finds good hiding places in the house. There have been horrendous occasions when the older sister has invited friends over when the parents are not home for the sole purpose of taunting and terrorizing the younger siblings. I have known of cases of small children lock in closets, forced to eat food that made them sick, being the object of cruel jokes, placed in the dark while tied with rope. These memories do not fade. Even as adults daughters victimized by narcissistic older sister still cringe at the thoughts of what happened to them and especially that no one, especially a parent had any awareness of these horrendous ongoing patterns of physical, psychological and emotional abuse.

As adults the victimized child often decides to sever her relationship with the narcissistic perpetrator. All she has known from this person is the infliction of terror, humiliation and abuse. Narcissistic parents often blame the victim and rally around the narcissistic older sister since she is the golden chosen one who can do no wrong. In these cases the child who has suffered so much leaves her entire family behind. Many of them are able to benefit from skilled psychotherapy, learn to trust and form an therapeutic alliance with the therapist and begin to heal from a form of post traumatic stress they have experienced for many years. In the process of healing, many of these individuals discover the value of their true selves and learn to appreciate and nurture themselves as well as finding people they can trust and form close relationships. The road to healing has many ups and downs but on the other side is leading life that you have always deserved. Finally you feel secure and at peace; you have the energy and strength to recognize and apply your special creative gifts and to fulfill your great potential. You deserve our deepest respect and honor. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt of his cruel projections. He is in constant denial about reality. He insists you view everything from his distorted perspective–how you lead your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have, even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they are greeted like heroes–a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by his adoring inner circle. What happens in private is totally different—and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is no longer singing;he is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist’s delusion and doesn’t understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.

There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:”Do I want to continue living this way?” “My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive–” At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel—they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

We are always so happy when we see a woman that is pregnant, especially if it’s someone we know. We always treat them just a bit kinder, give them our seat on the Subway, some people even become a Cultural Care Au Pair and help them look after their kids in return for food and a room. But it isn’t this innocent when it comes to narcissistic women.

Narcissistic women are known for their clever, conniving ruthlessness. One plot some of them boldly and irresponsibly play out is that of hooking the guy with their great looks and desirability. They often find men who either already have “made it” in the wealth department or are climbing to the top of their professions. Nothing else will do. These women are obsessive plotters. They take their time, sizing up each man to find just the one who will make the cut. They start dating and in a short while these phenomenal actresses are getting closer and closer to the clincher. The chosen man doesn’t have a clue about his coming entrapment. These women know how to turn it on in the intimacy department. A few months go by and everything is moving according to plan. One evening at dinner the narcissistic vixen announces that she is pregnant with his child. The guy’s jaw drops. He can’t believe it. The woman plays the pre-mother role. She explains that this latest development has been a horrible shock to her but now that there is a baby on the way, she is a responsible and moral individual who will take her role as a mother seriously. There will be no abortion or adoption out. The two of them will raise the child.

Women playing the pregnancy card are cunning at getting the man to think they are are going to share their lives together. In some cases, the guy buys a home to begin the new family.
What he doesn’t know is that he was out of the picture from the beginning. This lady is after the money. Pregnancy and giving birth is her ticket to a tidy sum of money and support. If there is a grandmother handy, an aunt or a friend who will baby sit, this woman plans to have some fun time on her own and then go back to a good job. She takes this fellow for the total ride. He is responsible for the child’s welfare in all of its facets until the kid is eighteen years of age. I have seen this happen a number of times. With no conscience and absolute certainty about how much she can get away with–narcissistic women often win one court battle after the other, plunder the former “Partner” for all he’s worth and move on. The baby is a narcissistic supply to the narcissistic woman. She pretends to love her child when she is presenting a perfect image of herself. Otherwise, someone else can raise this kid. Using children for monetary gain is malevolent. Some of the men who are left holding this particular bag suffer horribly.

Narcissistic women who play this card never look back with regret or remorse. They are not designed that way. They are Darwinian. One day they might even pull this heinous trick again. If not they will always find ways to decimate their male victims. These women despise men and nothing but sweet revenge will do for them. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists are incessantly hungry for the next person or situation they will exploit. They take advantage of everyone in their lives, especially those close to them–spouses and children. They are ruthless in business which works very well for them these days when so many of those who are highly successful are narcissists. Our current society has normalized narcissistic personalities. The aim of life is to win. Winning is defined as defeating competitors at any cost, discarding those who have fallen on tough times (Narcissists blame those who through no fault of their own have not been able to “make it”) manipulating those who are emotionally vulnerable. Narcissists are seamless performers. They appear to care about you and they are believable with their chronic lying. Their plan is to exploit you and your gifts, contacts and creative ideas. When they have squeezed the most they need for their satisfaction, you are discarded. This occurs whether you have known them for months, years or decades. There is always a time certain when you will be sent into the darkness alone unless you are fulfilling some essential selfish need that they have. Narcissists don’t have real relationships. They view you as a commodity and determine your value. Their spouses and children are often used as actors whom they direct. Narcissists are highly controlling. They are especially obsessed with their image. If you are the spouse or child of a narcissist you will be taking orders from them and following them or else.

Don’t expect your narcissistic spouse or parent to change. Narcissistic personality is a serious fixed characterlogical disorder that is not going to change. If they agree to go to therapy, it is for a reason and that is not to get better. Why would they change when they believe that you have the problem and they are perfect. Narcissists often sabotage psychotherapy and are even known to get the therapist on their side.

Ask yourself if you want to continue to lead your life this way—to be constantly controlled, hounded, criticized, demeaned and undermined by this individual. How much does your life matter to you. Spend some time researching the narcissistic personality disorder. Begin to recognize that you have unique value as an individual. You are entitled to be treated with respect, to be left to think your own thoughts, to be creative and to follow your own life path. You deserve to experience inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists have neither limits of decency nor respect for other human beings, including family members. One narcissist allowed to bully himself freely over decades can psychologically decimate many members of one family. One of the worst constellations is the mother/father narcissistic duo. Children of these unions have it very tough. Even as small children life is not centered on them. It is all about their selfish, self absorbed, cold and often enraged parents. Children from these families learn survival skills the hard way. It is very painful when they come to the realization that their parents were incapable of genuinely loving them. Those who are more fortunate often turn to an older brother or sister who substitutes as a surrogate parent.These children feel loved and protected by the older sibling and grow knowing there is at least one person they can trust and count on.

In some cases the narcissist is a golden child boy or girl, selected by mother and/or father as superior to all the other family members. He is treated like a member of royalty. All talk and adulation by the parents is about him or her. If this child has talents, is bright or gifted in other ways, he is the center of attention and given everything he wants. Narcissistic parents allow these blooming narcissists to treat their siblings cruelly. They ignore the extreme bullying that chronically occurs and can cause severe psychological damage to the brothers and sisters who are frequent victims of this abuse. The narcissistic parents are oblivious of these dreadful patterns of cruelty. In some cases they join in and belittle the children who are imperfect, taunting them, punishing them unjustly and making their lives absolutely miserable.

Many of the victims of growing up in a narcissistic family spend years in the healing process. Some find that psychotherapy with a skilled empathic clinician helps them to recognize the war zone they have navigated all of their lives. They learn to recognize and appreciate their identities that are separate from the narcissist. In many cases they end any contact with their narcissistic relatives. There are no authentic relationships with narcissists, even if they are your relatives. Discovering and learning to lead their lives on their own terms, opens them to the full use of their gifts and talents and the awareness that they are fully capable of loving others on a deep level. Other modalities of healing can involve various forms of meditation that work for the individual, hatha yoga with emphasis on relaxation and concentration, many forms of exercise that free the mind and strengthen the body. Those who thrive after the narcissistic family wars deserve our congratulations. They have prevailed. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]