Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD - The Narcissist In Your Life

Narcissists Cause Siblings Psychological Pain

Narcissists are masterful actors. If they are high level and are particularly gifted at playing the part of a decent if not superior human being, they fool the best of us, even psychotherapists. Often they flatter mental health professionals in the most clever ways and sway their judgment. That’s how clever they can be. This is all image, the outward posturing, the role of a lifetime that the narcissist plays in the public arena. In the privacy of home and especially from those who grew up with narcissistic family members the story is totally different.

The sibling of a narcissistic brother or sister has a very painful experience throughout his/her growing years. In some instances this child is surrounded by a narcissistic parent(s) and more than one narcissistic brother or sister. Living with a narcissistic siblings can be an ongoing nightmare for a young child. Some narcissistic parents pick favorites and always take the side of the chosen one whether he is right or wrong. Some parents join the budding narcissist in taunting, bullying and terrorizing the scapegoated child. These children are always in a state of apprehension and anxiety. Many of them spend long periods of time hiding in their rooms or staying with friends whenever possible. The scapegoated child in these families feels that he has no allies in those who are supposed to protect and love him. Children react differently to this level of abuse Some are super survivors and find creative ways to use their gifts, maintain their sense of self, make friends despite their families. Other children, those who are very sensitive in particular, are dispirited by their family circumstances and think of themselves as prisoners within their own homes. Some siblings band together to protect themselves from the narcissistic sibling.

After everyone is grown within these pathological families, the cruelty and treachery does not stop. Grownup narcissistic siblings continue to demean, criticize and humiliate their siblings. Now as adults they still pick away at every opportunity at their siblings. They use every opportunity to display their superiority and the sibling’s inferiority.

The sibling of a narcissist can make the decision to do the best he or she can do in dealing with this cruel human being whom he calls brother or sister. He can learn to detach himself emotionally from the narcissist, not overreact to all of the narcissist’s projections and know that this family member is highly disturbed. In other instances, the non-narcissistic sibling decides to sever the relationship (which never existed) to protect himself/herself from ongoing abuse and torrents of cruelties. In some instances some siblings find that quality psychotherapy helps them to deal with this process. Many turn to trusted friends and other family members and learn that they can recreate their lives with individuals who deeply care about them and accept and appreciate their authenticity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissist’s Bogey Man-Chronic Paranoia

We all have irrational suspicions and fears that someone is trying to harm us psychologically either directly or covertly. At times there are forces at work in people known and unknown to us who do not wish us well. They are envious. They want what they perceive that we have.They think about how they can disrupt our lives to throw us off stride. This can happen between individuals or within groups and the most potent source, the psychodynamics within our families.

Suspicions and paranoia are fundamentally different. Suspicion is a diffuse, vague feeling of unease, uncertainty that we are not quite safe. Paranoia, which means “madness” in Greek is a condition of severe anxiety even terror that we are going to be harmed or destroyed by another person or group. Paranoia is driven by delusional thoughts that the individual is being persecuted and that harm to them is inevitable.

It seems counter-intuitive that the narcissist is a closet paranoid when we see him or her tackling the world with an extreme sense of self entitlement, perfection, supreme self confidence.

“Inside, he (the narcissist) is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies. These core suspicions are the remnants of hidden, cold, aggressive internal parental images that he experiences as persecutors.” (from Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The inner world of the narcissist is dangerous, filled with psychological booby traps and bogeymen. He/she never feels safe. The narcissist lives with fear and dread–waiting for real or imagined enemies to do him in. He’s constantly watches his back despite the opposite image that he shows the world. Added to this mix is the real enemies that the narcissist creates as he rampages through the lives of others. Narcissists steal our lives if we let them. They are psychological thieves day and night. They will weaken you psychologically, drain your financial stability, isolate you from your friends and disrupt your life creatively, physically and spiritually. Remember that the narcissist is a severe fixed personality disorder who is very unlikely to change. He/she is ruthless and in some instances, treacherous. While he moves through the world, taking what he wants, acting out without limits, deep inside, he lives in fear of being harmed—in a state of paranoia.

To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

A Narcissist’s Dram Poisons the Well

The word dram comes from the Greek, meaning a small amount. I have watched one narcissist poison his/ her family and narcissists within families disrupt and decimate generations of families. It is very difficult to recognize and actually know the truth about the destructive power of the narcissistic personality disorder. Many of these individuals are feted, touted, emulated and even adored as the most brilliant, talented, influential members of our society today. With an exterior that poses and speaks perfection, dynamic energy that is endless, a magnetism that cannot be resisted—almost no one can say NO to them. They have infiltrated our daily lives. The narcissistic style is now accepted as normal, even expected. If you are not ruthless and self promoting, you have not succeeded. If you look at most individuals at the top tiers of power in every strata of society today you will find a plenitude of narcissists. There are incredible exceptions of highly successful people who are at the top of their game who are not narcissists. Thank god for them.

In families where you have a parent or parents who are both narcissists, the children have a very difficult time fending off the proclivity to become narcissistic or the psychological injuries of becoming a target for the narcissist’s constant spewing of psychological venom, criticisms, demeanments, humiliations—-a pounding of the psyche, ear shattering verbal abuse.

It is amazing to discover that so many people who contact me have survived these homes from hell. They recognized early that their parent or parents were disturbed. They learned to protect themselves, to create inner lives that were separate from the dram of narcissistic poison. Other children were molded and became narcissists. Their story is a tragic, not only for them but for all of those whom they encounter, especially their spouses and future children.

It is essential at this particular time of rising societal narcissism that we inform ourselves very specifically about this fixed personality disorder that does not change. Work hard at becoming more aware and accepting of your unique individuality–embrace it. You are not to blame for all of the projections foisted on you by your narcissistic spouse, parent or sibling.

Use the tools that you need to separate and individuate out of the pathological narcissistic system that has bound you. Many find comfort and transformation in practices of hatha yoga, stilling the mind, accessing their creativity, physical exercise that keeps you strong and steady, strengthening the power of your intuition, finding others with whom you can communicate the truth and are deserving of your trust. There is no perfect time to separate yourself from the narcissist’s poisonous dram–Do it now. Trust yourself, trust your inner knowing—It will lead you to a less traveled road that is simpler, calmer, loving, expanded, creative and life re-enforcing. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Sociopathic Narcissists-More Dangerous than You Think

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population. The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by some parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt by some toward those who make these personal choices.

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned through gossip and shunning.

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen. If you don’t have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don’t make the cut. Large swaths of today’s society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists–those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others “holding the bag” while they abscond with the profits of some else’s labors. Leaving another person’s life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don’t pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Learn to Detach from the Narcissist’s Outrageous Projections

Narcissists are constantly projecting their unconscious psychological venom on to others, especially spouses, children, siblings and other family members. Inside the privacy of the home, those who revere the image that the narcissist presents in the outside world have no inkling just how ugly the narcissist’s personality can be. For those he/she is impressing to obtain narcissistic supplies, this person becomes a source of adulation and veneration.

For those who live with him behind closed doors, the narcissist is a living nightmare. He is constantly demanding, spoiled, insisting on perfection from others. When you do something perfectly he/she finds a flaw and starts picking away at you. When narcissist’s don’t get from you what they say they want, they are inclined to scream like two year olds with greatly enhanced volume. They are relentless insisting that they are right, you are wrong and that there is something psychologically and mentally askew with you. You need professional help. The reverse is true—this individual has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change.

If you are staying with the narcissist while you are making a decision about your future, learn how to detach yourself emotionally from these individuals. Developing a meditation practice, yoga practice, learning how to still the mind, takes consistent discipline but it is well worth the effort. When we achieve a level of objectivity about the outrageous behaviors and verbal slings of the narcissist, we are able to distance ourselves from them . We recognize often in the moment that what is happening is that this person is unloading all of his rage and blame on to us. The discipline of learning to own what is ours psychologically ours and what belongs to someone else is invaluable in dealing with the corrosive, volcanic and unpredictable behavior of the narcissist. We see and hear a person who is not more than two years of age, screaming, squirming, red faced and throwing himself/herself about because they must have what the want now. If we can view this from a psychological distance, we grow stronger on every level. For some spouses it is necessary to sever the relationship because of its toxicity to them and their children. Learning how to detach and building a stronger solid sense of self and your own entitlement are key to dealing with this personality disorders. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: https://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Children of Narcissistic Parents-Moving Beyond Your Personal History

I receive some of the most painful and touching communications from children of a narcissistic mother or father. In some cases, these individuals were surrounded by narcissistic family members, including parents and several narcissistic siblings. I hear from adult scapegoated children who were grew up with golden child siblings. There life stories are emotionally wrenching. The cruelties perpetrated on them were chronic and unmerciful. While the narcissistic parent constantly made outrageous demands on the non-narcissistic child, she/he picked one or two other children in the family who were found to be superior, unblemished almost godlike. The scapegoated child was constantly humiliated and treated as an inferior person. Unrelenting cruelties and verbal and in some instances physical abuse were thrust upon these children.

In many cases the narcissist parent was an instigator in turning her budding narcissistic children against the victimized son or daughter whom she viewed as second rate and defective. All of the mother’s/father’s primitive aggressive projections were projected upon these targeted children. Many courageously learned to survive in creative ways. Some scapegoated children become hermits within their own home and play the role of being invisible. They are frequently left to their own devices, unprotected by the narcissistic parent, learn how to fend for themselves. Some of these children are already living on their own before the age of eighteen. I have known of children who have left theses homes of horror before legal age in order to be free from the constant taunting, cruel games, harsh criticisms and constant fear and anxiety.

The narcissist is never going to change regardless of your hopes, wishes, sacrifices, kindnesses. These are losing propositions when dealing with a narcissistic parents.

Those who free themselves from narcissistic parents build a life that is beyond their personal history. This is challenging, takes perseverance and unrelenting purpose and focus. You are not your narcissistic parent. You are a unique human being of great value. It is not your fault that your narcissistic parent has a severe personality disorder, is cruel and deceptive and has attempted continuously and purposely to disrupt, interrupt and devalue your life. Those who free themselves form narcissistic parents, find friends whom they can trust. Another route is to establish a practice of stillness in the form of meditation, gentle yoga or other modality. By consistently practicing these forms of stilling the mind, we communicate with the part of ourselves that cannot be touched or harmed by our early traumatic conditioning. These practices can fit into a spiritual belief used in a non-spiritual purpose to improve and steady our nervous systems, increase our focus and concentration. Many benefit from high quality psychotherapy.

Getting in touch with the innermost parts of yourself where you will find peace and acceptance is well worth the consistent practice that it takes. When we learn to separate and individuate out of our family of origin we have begun to see ourselves as we are, using our own lens, writing our own unique history. We are a work in progress throughout our lives. Each day we have a new opportunity to become more authentic, to activate our creative gifts, to fulfill our many potentials, to practice giving and receiving love and affection. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Sociopathic Narcissists are Big on Suffering-They Cause Too Much of It

One sociopathic narcissist set loose causes suffering that is beyond our imaginations. I hear from those who suffer under the cruel tyranny of these individuals. There are generations of families of narcissists who cause incalcuable pain to their family members, spouses, siblings, in-laws. Sociopathic narcissists don’t suffer deep emotional pain. They are too shallow and very busy, greedily taking what they must have to fulfill their inflated ego needs. There is no real communication or relationship with a sociopathic narcissist. They are tyrants and control freaks. Some are psychologically sadistic and find pleasure in watching others suffer under the weight of their oppressive tactics.

Ultimately the sociopathic narcissist can help us to define who we are. Rather than being on the defense with them, walking on pins and needles,waiting for the next shoe to drop, hiding in their shadow, use your direct exposure to them and the pain you have suffered as powerful motivators to launch an offense. By now you know how these persecutors operate–They are shamelessly ruthless, chronic liars, dark exploiters, psychological bottom feeders. They not only must win but if that means taking you down in the process, they will not have a quiver of conscience. Conscience is a vital part of the sociopathic narcissist that is missing. At some point when you know them well, have studied their personality characteristics and have had enough, you will take a stand and say: “No more!” ” I’m resetting the start button on my life.” Appreciate your individuality, mental and artistic gifts and the part of you that cares deeply about the welfare of others. You are an authentic, strong human being. Identify and remove the sociopathic narcissists from your life. You will celebrate this move by leading your life fully. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Devalue their Daughters

Some narcissistic mothers appear to have subtle ways of giving a hallowed place to her golden boy son, including constant attention and adulation. Although there is not much greater equality between men and women professionally, we still have have the pull of the patriarchal view within our culture. I see many families where the eldest son is the star of the family from the beginning. He is bright, very attractive, confident and socially smooth. Mother clears the way for him through her adulation, almost veneration. This special son is molded by the mother as a chosen person. She puts all of herself into this child, viewing him as perfect. He is the fulfillment of the mother’s dreams.

A daughter who comes along as second to the star brother is treated differently. Often these behaviors are subtle. Mother is already psychologically fused with the golden son. Almost every waking moment is taken up thinking of him and his magnificence. For many of these narcissistic mothers the daughter is a disappointment. This is especially the case for the daughter if the father has been taken out of the picture by the dominating narcissistic mother. Slight differences can be seen in the animation that the narcissistic mother displays when talking about her special son; the sacrifices she makes for him with her time. The daughter is secondary in her attention and mind. These daughters have a painful legacy. Often they do not feel worthwhile, knowing that they can never measure up to the stardom of the older brother. They feel secondary, second rate.

These adult can benefit from excellent psychotherapy. The learn to recognize that the narcissistic mother give her birth and the imprint of her dna. These daughters find ways to separate and individuate out of the family of origin. As they move forward these daughters develop loving friendships with those who appreciate them as unique and valuable human beings. The narcissistic chosen brother will never become authentic. He is a false self (although he may be very powerful in his world). Daughters who live in these family constellations and continue to heal themselves move forward and grow throughout their lives as authentic strong individuals. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Greed-Narcissistic Psychological Emptiness

Narcissists are extraordinarily greedy. Greed is an extreme desire and pursuit to obtain more than what needs, especially with regard to material wealth. They are never satisfied with what they have and are very competitive with other narcissists. They always must be at the very pinnacle, the top of the mountain, the guy who takes home all of the marbles (even if he steals them from others). In our current narcissistic society narcissistic greed has become very acceptable to many people. In fact there are many individuals who look up to narcissists who continue to acquire more material possessions (that they don’t need and will probably not use). High level narcissists surround themselves with a charmed circle of people who provide him/her with unending narcissistic supplies: praise, adoration, continuous kudos, even worship. These individuals are obsessively loyal to the narcissist as long as they can fuse with his grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and delusional world.

Deep inside the narcissist experiences himself/herself as psychologically empty. These powerful feelings are unconscious to the narcissist. The narcissist projects these vituperative feelings of self loathing on to others, particularly spouses, children and siblings. At the core the narcissist is full of self loathing, living as a false self, unable to be real, to reciprocate feelings of affection or love. Emotionally he is shallow and incapable of creating or sustaining any authentic human relationships. Raise as a false grandiose self, the narcissist is an empty shell, surrounded by an outer shell that is fraudulent, shallow and disingenuous. The narcissistic emptiness in many ways drives the narcissist’s obsessive greed. Unconsciously feeling emotionally empty and unworthwhile, the narcissist is psychologically hungry for the narcissistic supplies that he voraciously needs. This includes finding and even possessing individuals who will adore and mirror him perfectly. Narcissists do not change. This is a very fixed personality disorder. Narcissistic greed will persist as long as the current society continues to reward pathological narcissism as it so handsomely does in our current societal climate.

Those who are not narcissists have access to gifts that are much more valuable: the capacity to give and receive love, deep empathy and implementation of ways to help others, a sense of deep inner peace, an authentic sense of self that is solid, steady and rich with integrity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists-Cruel Custody Battles

Narcissists discard other human beings when they have squeezed out and stolen their energy, stamina, creative gifts and sense of self. They are incapable of real relationships. The narcissist writes the script and directs the roles that those within his inner circle will play, including spouses, children and other family members.
One of the most painful aspects of divorcing a narcissist is when he or she decides to fights for custody of his children. Some of the most heartbreaking cases that I hear concern the victimization of the non-narcissistic spouse and the children of this marriage. In some cases the narcissist decides for spite, image and power plays that he will fight for custody of his children, not because he love them. The purpose of these long hateful battles is to wear down and exhaust the psychological and financial resources of the injured spouse. The courts often play into the hands of the narcissist, especially if this individual has extensive financial resources. I have known of prolonged cases over custody that have taken over a decade to resolve. The narcissist psychologically tortures the ex-spouse by purposely dragging out the process, making outrageous accusations about the mental and psychological fitness of the ex-spouse, cunningly convince judges that he is an honest and dedicated parent who is only looking after the welfare of his children. Protect yourself an d you children by making informed decisions about becoming married to and having children with a narcissist. If you already are divorcing a narcissist, make sure that you have a very astute attorney who understands the ruthless treachery of narcissistic personality disorder. The better you are informed the greater your chances of avoiding a marriage with a narcissist and having children with them. If you already have children with a narcissist and are in the middle of a custody battle, do your homework and learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com