Author: Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD

There were always narcissistic mentors who took full advantage of the pain and suffering of others. Many of these narcissists arrive on the scene with the highest credentials. Others create themselves out of their manic self beliefs of superiority and their abilities to influence and control prospective followers who become their victims. Most of the current society today accepts and even adulates these individuals. Superlative salesmen, they exact tremendous sums of money from individuals who are having serious problems. They have no expertise or understanding about serious psychological issues (nor do they care a whit). As a result they often cause incredible emotional and personal damage to their victims.

Narcissistic gurus are gifted performers that persuade you to believe in the delusion that they are selling. They project tremendous psychic energy and pseudo passion that cause a group contagion nearing worship. These gurus extract enormous sums of money from corporations and individuals for their services.

They cross over the personal boundaries of those who are the most desperate and have no support system. Helplessness and severe personal crisis combined with the victim’s ability to pay outrageous fees is the perfect equation for the narcissistic guru to step in and perform “his/her magic.”

Once the individual has psychologically fused with the NG these individuals are counting the money coming into the coffers, keeping the victim on the string, using masterful manipulative techniques that include praise and intimidation plays. NGs escalate and enlarge their following by having their underlings sign up more prospective victims. Those who have been psychologically damaged are left in a state of confusion, fear and self-doubt. They often blame themselves, believing that they cannot achieve what the guru is demanding of them.

Some victims of NGs reach a crisis and recognize that they can’t continue a pattern that is causing continued distress and psychological pain. They finally listen to their intuition which has been making many efforts to protect them. They research narcissistic personality disorders and realize that they have been victims. Holding the truth of the real nature of the NG they now move forward to sever the relationship and separate out as individuals. They can now be the authors of their own lives and are finally free to be themselves on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The narcissistic mother’s shares the stage with no one—not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother’s perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter’s beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother’s ego fully inflated.

Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected—left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom’s enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the “problem daughter” who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother’s attempt to demean and diminish her daughter’s identity.

On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother’s envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother’s psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures –teachers, aunts, grandmothers–who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.

Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection–becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter’s individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of “mothering.” Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don’t permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child’s special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:” You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What’s the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I’m beginning to think you have severe emotional problems–and on and on.

The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities—her mother’s perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid “star” daughter “not the other ones.”

Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother’s primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them—nonstop.

Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.

Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn’t care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.
These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes—other family members–aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.

Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: ” You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding.” “I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself.”

Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:[email protected]

Narcissistic spouses are known for taking their husbands or wives beyond the point of endurance. They don’t care one whit if you are becoming emotionally fragile, have post traumatic stress, physical symptoms–headaches, gastrointestinal problems, bouts of debilitating depression, insomnia and hundreds of others disturbances. They live strictly for themselves. In fact if you go to them for mercy and tell them you are suffering they will tell you any of the following: ” you are weak and too sensitive”, It’s all in your mind” “your imagination is too vivid” “You’re making it up to upset me” “You’re a drama queen (or king)”,”you’re mentally unbalanced” and innumerable labels and cruel retorts. How many times have you told yourself you can’t take this abuse any longer. You’re not sleeping; you are jumping with nerves every time you know you husband will be at home. You dread having to be near this person. You are always waiting for the next verbal assault–It can come any time of day or night. Some narcissistic spouses awaken their partners in the middle of the night and go on verbal rampages for hours nonstop.

A point of reckoning is to know through your research and insight that the person to whom you are married is a narcissistic personality. This individual is not going to change. You have suffered for too long and your quality of life, including your physical energy, mental focus, feelings of emotional security and concerns about your children are negatively effected by continuing in the marriage. The time has come and the decision is yours. You long to take back your own life, your own mind, your individual gifts and energies. You can decide how you want to live—starting this moment. Pay close attention to your inner self. You can leave the narcissist and lead the life that you deserve. You have that strength, faith and perseverance. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

When you are married to a narcissist you life has been commandeered by a selfish, demanding, egotistical and unempathic man. In the beginning he will dazzle you and sweep you up in his grandiose dreams. You believe them and want to share every aspect of your life with him. This is especially true if the narcissist is high-level, meaning that this person is highly gifted with charm, a keen intellect, professional success and the capacity of persuasion. These men are masters of disguise. When you meet them, you feel an automatic pull to them. Your body responds erotically to them; you can’t say no. You may hear a small voice inside telling you that this is dangerous but you override it and proceed with the romantic drama. Many women have a dream of the man who will complete or rescue them. Even women who are fiercely independent and successful in their own rights are taken off guard by these master method actors of irresistible charm. They weave you into their web. They tell you that you are the chosen one–that they have been looking for you all of their lives. They are very clever with words and nonverbal moves. They know when to rush in to cinch the deal. They are at the top of their game when they are seducing the chosen woman—You.

A few years after the wedding or even sooner, the relationship falters. The sharp barbs and sarcastic remarks directed at you becoming a daily occurrence. The times of any peace in the house lessen. You notice that you are being treated as an object—-There is no respect for you as an individual. As the months and years accrue, the venomous projections mount. You feel their sting. You are emotionally wounded and doubt yourself. You try to change–to go along with your spouse’s demands. This doesn’t work. You realize that this man is in love with himself. The deception and lies escalate. There is verbal abuse and at times physical abuse. In many cases the husband takes over the finances and starts to spirit away your collective financial stability.

Finally the wife of the narcissist wakes up and recognizes that she has been exploited brutally. She is both wasting her life and despising herself. Often there is a major blowup that reveals in colored lights that you are married to a narcissistic personality disorder. Many wives have been reading about narcissistic personality for some time. They put the puzzle pieces together and with shock see on the page that they are reading that their husband has a very disorder–narcissistic personality. She also comes to terms with the fact that these personalities cannot change. They are fixed as a grandiose false self. Narcissists believe they are perfect and superior to everyone, that they never make mistakes, that they are terrific people, that they are invincible.

A time of reckoning comes when the psychologically besieged spouse must make a decision whether to stay in the marriage or seek a divorce. In most cases the latter decision is the better choice. It takes a lot of effort and can be very complex and difficult, but with the help of a divorce attorney like Terry & Roberts (visit their website to get useful information about suing for divorce) it is definitely possible. There are so many instances of success for the non-narcissistic spouse and the improvement of her entire life on every level after the divorce and severing a relationship that was never a true marriage. The partner is free now to lead her own life, to breathe deeply in solitude, to ramp up the use of her creative gifts, to explore genuine relationship, to say Yes to life on her terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being—an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again–Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self–the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn’t ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the “relationship” with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS –MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this–Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving–there are no limits—keep loving–Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@the narcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd

Covert narcissists attire themselves in different camouflages. They are your psychological enemy if you marry them. Despite their pseudo humility or even fake holiness, inside they are narcissistic personalities. They method act the empathy superbly. They give you all of their attention and more when they are actively chasing you or want what you have. One of the most difficult CN’s to recognize is the “saintly” one. (Those who are seeking God or trying to be better human beings through spiritual teachings are completely exempt from this post).

Many of the holy CN’s are brainwashed and insist that you are a sinner. If they are your relatives this becomes intolerable. They tell you that you are going to hell if you don’t believe the way they do. You are looked down upon. Holy covert narcissists know what is best for your soul. They never stop trying to save you. They riddle you with guilt. Growing up in a family of saintly CN’s is particularly challenging. Children often feel guilty that they cannot come up to the moral level of their relatives.

Be sure you don’t marry one of these pretenders. Highly spiritual people are nonjudgmental. They tend to their own souls and have compassion for you as a person. They wish you well and have respect for you, even if you are an atheist.

To protect yourself from entanglements with covert narcissists, study their personality structures deeply. Know what makes them tick and be aware of all of the costumes that they wear to fool you. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

You never asked to be married to a person who turned out to be a psychological beast. In the beginning it was all so romantic. You knew this was the person with whom you were going to spend the rest of your life. This man knew you (that’s what you believed) and was the one you had been searching for. In some cases women who are particularly vulnerable to this kind of man are the daughters of narcissistic mothers. They are now unconsciously repeating this pattern.

The narcissistic mask of your new husband begins to slip with his picking away at your lack of perfection. He is pointing out your mistakes even if they are his. Narcissists believe that they are perfect. Everyone else is flawed. The narcissist is very vocal on this subject. The picking gets deeper and uglier, punctuated by volcanic narcissistic rages that can go on for hours. Narcissists have tremendous stamina when they are on an offensive attack. They love to fight dirty. They know when you are emotionally vulnerable and go for the jugular. Some spouses take all of the blame and burden and put this on themselves. Some become physically ill from the stress that their bodies can no longer endure–they can’t sleep, eat properly or even have one quiet thought. The narcissist is eating them alive psychologically.

Do you want to stay married to a person who is ripping you apart piece by piece? This is ultimately your decision. But that is the question. Narcissists are fixed personality disorders who do not change. They don’t mellow with age.

Some spouses have had enough and prepare for the process of divorce. They do their homework, make sure they have a highly informed attorney who understands the level of ruthlessness, deception and manipulation that these people will go to in a divorce situation. Never underestimate their cunning and vituperativeness.
Learn to take good care of yourself. Study everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]
Posted by lmlphd

Anyone can fall under the spell of a highly skilled covert narcissist. This is what happened to me. I became very interested in the meditation process and wanted to learn about it directly after reading a number of books on the subject. I did the research and discovered that there was a highly trained meditation teacher who was recommended as one of the best in her field. I read about her credentials and years of experience. She offered weekly group meditations for a fair fee.

I met Debra and was very impressed by her depth of knowledge, her deep attention to the needs of each student, her kind, empathic manner and excellent teaching skills.

Debra had been meditating for decades and developed a strong consistent practice. In class she gave each student her complete attention. I learned a great deal from her about the mediation process. Several years later I returned to participate in another meditation group. This time I noticed that Debra and everything about her organization had changed. The class rates had skyrocketed. Debra was very short with the participants. She was more concerned about signing up individuals for meditation teacher training than she was with giving a good class. Debra was frenetic—on a high about all of her success. Unlike the earlier experience, I could hear her counting the money she would be making through her surrogate teachers who were on a very low salary and the exorbitant price of her teacher training that had tripled in two years. The meditation teacher training had been cut down to six weeks and the price was in the thousands. The number of hours Debra spent with her students was greatly reduced. Most of the learning was done at home so that Debra could have a number of trainings going on simultaneously.

Debra was restless. I got a strong feeling that she was just going through the motions in teaching her classes. Out of class she now spoke about her material possessions–new clothing she had purchased, trips she had taken, properties that she was buying. It was as if Debra had become a different person in the two years since I had seen her. I had no interest in using her as a meditation teacher.

I had believed that Debra was genuine and empathic and disinterested in accumulating large sums of money at the expense of her students. Debra was now quite grandiose–she had adoring followers who ran behind her like baby ducklings. The prices of her classes were outrageously high. Her charge for personal one on one session was astronomical. Her manner now was brisk, her attention span short and her capacity to listen to the problems of those who had come to learn and become calmer and more centered was non-existent. Debra is a late blooming narcissist.which is unusual. I remembered her background, growing up in a family of many siblings who had very little from their work weary parents. There was no money. The family scraped around to get just the necessities. Debra never bonded with her mother or her father. She had a maternally deprived childhood and an absent father. In the middle of the pack of children Debra didn’t shine as a young child. After she left home she began to train in meditation and discovered this was her calling. However, she never dealt with the external or internal deprivations inside of herself. When she began to reach professional success, she changed into a seeker of material things and having an image of a spiritual teacher rather than being one.

I had met the false self covert narcissist on a lifelong spiritual quest. I believed she was genuine. This was the elaborate convincing seamless mask that she wore. That’s how convincing these narcissists can be. From a two year distance I could now perceive that I was meeting the real Debra—a narcissistic personality, obsessed with making money, buying clothes, having a coterie of students falling on her every word and move.

This was an invaluable experience that taught me that regardless of your training or perceptions of the moment, that you can be fooled by the narcissist’s pseudo spirituality, fake empathy and inverted humility that is part of the external image of piety and spirituality.

Never blame yourself for not recognizing a skilled narcissist. Learn from you experience and continue to move forward. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: [email protected]

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult life experiences. From the time you were born, you could not be properly nurtured and cherished because your mother was a narcissist. Her touch was rough, insensitive or non-existent. Some narcissistic mothers are unable to hold their babies and only give them a quick bottle that is propped up. There is no contact or it it brusque, brisk and without any positive emotion. In fact some narcissistic mothers resent their daughters so much they can bearable stand to look at them. When they do it is an expression of disdain and anger that the little daughter sees on her mother’s face. “Mama doesn’t love me.” This is the loud message that many daughters have imprinted on their consciousness very early. If the father is capable of affection and emotional connection this can be the saving grace—And a grandparent or aunt can make all of the difference. In some cases an older sibling is the person who mothers this child. For some there is no one in the family and I have discovered some daughters who have literally raised themselves. This is truly remarkable but not without the psychological wounds that are unseen on the outside but cause deep psychic pain in the inside.

Narcissistic mothers haunt their daughters. These daughters often question themselves and even blame themselves for a lack of maternal love. This is due to the earliest imprinting of maternal deprivation and psychological abuse. Some daughters go on to marry narcissistic men and the cycle of repetition continues. When we grow up with this level of pathology–that is our reality. We needed to do what was necessary to survive–Never blame yourself for that–ever! Be grateful for the dear child who moment by moment, week by week, year by year–was determined to survive. That is an incredible achievement.

Some daughters remain under the thumb of the narcissistic mother terror. They are fused with her. They love her and hate her simultaneously. This pattern can be very powerful. However, it does not have to remain in place.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers finally recognize that their mother is a person who suffers from serious psychopathology that will not change. They make the break with the narcissistic mother. They recognize that they were given a life and are entitled to lead it according to their own unique natures, to use their creative gifts, to find deep peace inside, to give and receive love. Many of these daughters find help an change working with an excellent therapist. (Make sure you don’t choose a narcissistic psychotherapist who has a money motive at the top of her/his list).

There are many healing paths that will appeal to you. Find the ones that work for you alone. Gentle hath yoga with its emphasis on the breath through the nose is very calming. It expands our consciousness and has an impact on bringing the nervous system into balance. Journaling for many is a way of putting your spontaneous feelings and thoughts on the page without editing. Different forms of artistic expression are very freeing and creative. Exercise your way and find that you become physically stronger, steadier and more emotionally balanced. Develop a relationship(s) with what I call the 2 am friend–someone you can call when you are feeling down or scared or indecisive. These loving people can make all of the difference in our lives.
Meditation in a form that works for you –walking, sitting, solitude in any activity where you will not be interrupted is also a way of quieting the mind and nervous system.

For those who have deceased narcissistic mothers– learn how to put her to rest in your mind and heart. This can be part of a grieving process for a woman who was a non-mother. People sometimes set up GoFundMe crowdfunders to help someone who is grieving, but if you are grieving a mother you never had then you may not want one of these done for you. However, grieving for the mother you never had is still very sad and will probably make you cry. Crying is a way of releasing psychological and emotional pain and saying goodbye to the mother we never had. This can be done and it is a journey—a journey to the real self. I hear from daughters of narcissistic mothers who are in the process of healing. This is very encouraging and true. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]