By definition sabotage is a “treacherous series of actions. ” Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.
Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.
Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety–fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist–mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands–slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don’t love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sacred flame, to camouflage their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.
Adult children heal through a combination of pathways that they discover work best for them as individuals. There is no one way, given the trauma ridden childhoods that they sustain. Psychotherapy with highly empathic trained psychotherapists is one aspect of this healing for some. Bring the body/mind into balance is essential to this process. This takes many forms including the practice of gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the re-awakening of your creativity, finding relationships of trust and respect, learning to put yourself first and to practice self love and self care. Learning how to received the affection that others have for you is all part of this healing phase. Healing is a lifetime process, an evolution of the self that takes as many forms as there are individuals.
Comment: From Tom
I’m freaking out , I just recently accepted sabotage as the main weapon my parents used against me , and I am
“”writing” and Tapping my way out of it in relation to my growth as a vocalist. Sabotage makes the victim feel that he is defeating himself because the witholding of approval by the parent has that effect, because by then the germ of sabotage has entered the concscience and has become unconscious. Then the process of self blame becomes a vicious habit.
Comment from : Doug
Although I was the golden child until I reached puberty, I was always in an anxiety ridden flight or fight environment. I couldn’t understand, or verbalize what I was going through. When I would go to bed I’d close my eyes and see a small dot, multicolored. I could change that dot into any shape I wanted and it became a source of comfort for me. I didn’t have a name for it, but I did always think it was the true me and I knew as long as I could see that dot, I was OK. Now, I know what I was doing. I was protecting the real me. That colorful dot represented for me that which my Covert Narcissistic mother couldn’t touch, or take away from me. The war my mother played was unlike any real war. It was filled with lies, twisting of things, manipulations! She kept me so off balance, in order to keep me controlled, that I didnt know what was the truth, or what was a lie. And she literally enjoyed it, actually loved it! I adored my mother, I thought everything she did and said was correct, but when I started 7th grade I was lost. Everything she taught me about relationships via our relationship, no boundaries, no real intimacy, and the list goes on, how to make friends (this never came up for two reasons, 1) she didn’t know how to BE a friend so she couldn’t make any and 2) she didn’t want me straying away from her. Well, my father was a strong, independent man who was bamboozled by this woman at a young age and he married her. I believe that once they had their first child, he started to realize something was wrong. Unfortunately my father died when I was 15. He was 42. As he started to recognize my mother as having something wrong with her (his words were “you’re really something…”, or “you missed the boat” and the one he said most often “you’re impossible!”and my father was a quiet man, so when he said something, you knew he meant it. I brought up my father because if it weren’t for him, I don’t believe I’d have the knowledge, the fortitude or strength to have ever gotten away. It took 25+ Yrs for me to incorporate my fathers ‘lessons’ and use them even though I never saw it that way. My father would try to teach me things, he would try to make a connection with me, but my mother DESTROYED it all with her passive aggressive remarks to him and then coming over to me and telling me, never mind your father, he doesn’t get it! It’s almost unfathomable.
> I need people to see what this is all about because I know from experience that no one would, or could believe the things you say a narcissistic parent does to you. I want to let people know they’re not the ones with the problems, no matter how deeply your Narcc. parent made you feel otherwise. You were born perfect, never forget that…it’s the
> Narcissist who projected all of his/her self loathing onto you in order to feel better about themselves, but nothing can ever do that for a Narcc. They can never change and the sooner you can learn to accept that, then the more closer to understanding it all and the closer you are to healing then ever before.
My father was like this. Many years after he was dead my mother (who was his doormat) told me this story. she was a school teacher. we had an ice and snow storm and she got up for work and realized her car battery was dead so she couldn’t drive to work. so she had to ask my father, her husband, to drive her to work.
she said he ranted and raved and cussed her out because he had to interrupt his morning routine then they got in the car and he raved and cussed all the way to where he dumped her out, blocks from her job, and she had to walk the last three or four blocks in the freezing cold on the ice-covered sidewalks. Have a nice day.
I used to marvel as a child at people who weren’t terrified of their fathers.
My mother wasn’t capable of shielding anyone from anything and was actually quite shallow. I do feel sorry for her, however, having to live like this. At leas she didn’t have to grow up around it.
Comment: From Doug
So true, Tom. My mother withheld praise like it was a piece of her she would never give away, not even to her own children. And when we were around people and she knew that praise of me was expected, she’d dole it out like a Pro and those around us, they couldn’t imagine a more loving, caring mother, but to me, her words were shallow, meaningless, and most of all and only I could feel it, was the incredible falsehood of her praise. They were lies, plain and simple. She, these Narccs. are incapable of it and the most heinous of this behavior, other than destroying a child’s self-worth for their own satisfaction is that no one else sees it. We, the victims, become the confused, or the liars. This pathology MUST be ripped from society, exposed on a grand scale and I’m prepared to do it
Comment:From Tracey
Thank you for putting this into words from an adult who experienced it perspective. I am witnessing a child going through a very similar childhood with his own mother doing much of the same. I have no power to control the situation or the outcome, so it is comforting to see that these children can come out of this okay and hopefully be better people because of it. Thanks for sharing. Your post inspired someone anyways.
“Many of them hid in their own shoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities.”
That’s exactly what my elder brothers and I did… Unfortunately, I was the only one with no friends… While my brothers were away, practically living at their friends homes, I was trapped at home and had to recluse myself in my bedroom 95% of my life. So I had to spend my life with books, video games, drawings, writing and “other creative activities” and my imagination, to hide away from my life…
Unfortunately, both my mother and father are narcissistic. But my mother is also a hoarder, and my father is an alcoholic and drunkard… So that didn’t help much. When I can be free of this house (I’m 21, but it seems like my parents keep pulling me further under the water and drowning me.) I certainly know for a fact that I will likely never speak or see my parents again. Or allow them near my own children… My boyfriend and I even decided that it would probably be best to have our best friend give me away if we ever get married… (sad)
So, I’m 37 years old.
And single, with no children…..
And I’ve been unemployed for nearly 7 years.
Oh, and my mother lives with me.
Can u imagine?
Every one-bedroom apartment I’ve ever gotten, my divorced mother would find a ‘reason’ to have to move in with me: Severe illness (valid, yes….but not my responsibility), abuse from others (imagined), loss of income (she ALWAYS quits).
In each instance, I lived happily in my new place for about 2months….and then she’d show up, luggage and sob story in tow. The guilt trips are LEGENDARY. And insidious.
The huge blessing of unemployment insurance ran out about 5years ago, and my savings were depleted due to paying for my mother’s many hospital stays out-0f-pocket…as she is uninsurable.
At this time, I scrape up just enough money via odd jobs to keep a small hotel room, get food to eat, gas in car, phones on……while Mother pays the fee (with her pension), to keep our few belongings in storage, and our car insured. Our lives are completely conjoined, and I am only recently realizing how I got here.
My current reservation is for the next four days….after that, I’m on the street.
Every opportunity I’ve ever earned, from my formative years up until this time….she has sabotaged.
A little bit of history: Straight A student, quiet, mannerly….Obtained a Full college scholarship…..she refused to sign the papers to allow me to go. I was ‘underage’ and a parent’s signature was required. My dad had already moved out, and he was also NPD…so I couldn’t ask him.
She demanded I attend a ‘community college’, as that was ‘good enough’ for me.
So, I did. I adjusted. As usual. And I excelled. And I started my own business with my new ‘little certificate’ (her words).
Within a year, still a teen, I had a burgeoning business with corporate accounts and felt great about myself. And within a year, she decided that she didn’t want to live ‘in the same state’ as my father and was moving across the country. I told her I wasn’t going, and she literally beat me into submission.
Business…gone. Trade school certificate…..not valid in any other state.
Once we moved, I vowed to work in the new state for one year, and save enough to move out.
She found my stash, took it, and subsequently demanded my entire paycheck from that point forward. I’m now an adult that has to ask her for money for personal items….as there was no personal life, no friends, no outlets.
After a year had passed, I said I was STILL leaving, and I’d do it with whatever my income tax garnered me. When the income tax came, she took HALF, murmuring some BS about ‘not expecting’ me to ‘go thru with’ my ‘ridiculous charade’.
Well I took that few hundred dollars and got THE HELL outta there!
Moved to a state I’d never even been to before…was broke, socially awkward, and the happiest I’d ever been!
Got two jobs, my own place for about 1.5 years…..and then Mother fell severely ill.
So sick, my siblings had no idea what to do. (I’m the only girl, so apparently that meant MY life had to end, and I had to return and care for her) I moved back home.
Floated thru another 2years in a fog, moved out again….this pattern has been repeating itself for the past 20 years.
My time with her is a non-stop barrage of blistering criticism of my body, friends, achievements, goals, efforts, diet, dreams, skills….u name it.
I. Can. Not. Breathe!!!!!
The last time I moved out, I got a great job and a great apartment…I must’ve been smiling too hard during our subsequent phone calls, because next thing I new, she was GIVING AWAY her successful business and moving to my state to live with me!!!
Again….stating her ‘health’ as the reason she ‘needs to stay with someone’.
Again.
Once the recession hit in 2008…? If you found yourself out of a job, you also found out quickly that you were less likely to be hired without that coveted College Degree. She loudly complains often now about how her life would be so much better if only she’d let me ‘go to that stupid school!’.
Seriously.
Applying for work & interviewing (if I’m lucky) has been a full time job.
Something I have to do while living in a tiny space with a toxic, geriatric tyrant.
Harsh tone of voice. Sneers. Eye rolls. Slamming doors and drawers. Loud sighs.
If I have an interview to prepare for….Music or TV blasting.
If I need to get some rest after coming in from along day of job searching…..immediate ‘busy work’ assigned to me in a loud, demanding voice AS SOON as I enter the hotel room. I didn’t put something back, I didn’t call, I ‘look like I’m hunting for a husband, not a job, so no wonder they didn’t hire me’ ( I dress very conservative).
Any attempts to bond with her, share goals, seek encouragement, is met with sneers, criticism (laundry list of why anything I want to do to better myself with NEVER work) blank stares, and silence.
I do have a laptop that my brother gifted to me, which she hates with a passion.
She speaks of it as if it is a person, complete with dirty looks and sucking of the teeth when I’m on it. Jealous of the computer. Because it is an outlet for me.
When I’m really concentrating on working on my computer, or getting my things ready to head out for an interview, she suddenly has the need to start a long, drawn out story or conversation about her ‘feelings/stupid friend/the latest episode of Judge Judy’, and practically DEMANDS I maintain eye contact with her while she is speaking.
How can I do that and work at the same time? Infuriating. If I say I need some ‘space’, or I need to concentrate, she explodes…calls me selfish, stupid, pathetic.
Now that my situation does not suit her needs, I am expendable. She is HATING the hotel life. But so do I….however, I’m just thankful I haven’t had to sleep in my car!
She just told me TODAY that she’s making arrangements to move in with a friend of hers.
Effective immediately, I will no longer have access to the her money that goes to the storage and car insurance bills (where her belongings are also stored, and on the car she also drives).
I will just have to ‘figure something out’.
Just like that.
No job, no prospects, no life, losing close friends…all by her design.
And since I can’t support her financially, she’s ‘outta here’, because as she words it, she ‘cannot live like this from month to month’ when I’m obviously ‘not even trying to find work’.
Wow.
I’m teetering between celebrating and strangling her.
As I’m typing this, after her hateful announcement, she is sitting on the edge of her bed pretending to watch TV (she is watching me out of the corner of her eye), arms folded defiantly across her chest. There have been three (bathroom) door slams, and four microwave door slams.
The ONLY thing keeping me from playing in traffic is articles & comment boards like this one. I never knew there was a NAME for behavior like hers until two years ago….Some of your posts read as though I wrote them about my own parents.
I’m so sorry for anyone that has experience any of the things I’ve been through with my mom (&dad).
Perhaps I should let her go…..and find peace in the fact she’s leaving. (I hope)
THANK YOU for allowing people like me to vent!
I just took a few deep breaths. 😉
Just discovered this syndrome yesterday as a result of talking with a client, of all things. Am 68 years old and have spent my life trying to figure this out. Never knew of the magnitude of this disease. In just a day and a half, for the first time, a light bulb went on. Never felt so relieved. You validated all those things I couldn’t figure out. Thought I was crazy. People thought my mother was a saint and I was a waco. I’m 33 years a sober alcoholic, so have experiencd a few things. Am so enlightened. I wasn’t imagining thes things.
I had a narcissistic father and a mother who wasn’t exactly a deep thinker (haha).
I had an older brother they did everything for. For me, they grudgingly did anything. The irony is I test much higher than him on an IQ test, for example. When he graduated from college they asked him if he wanted to go to law school. When I got out of college my mother told me that if I could get a job in the local grocery store that would be good enough. As a child I was very interested in music and when I was 8 asked them if I could have piano lessons. They said no, they had given my older brother piano lessons and “he didn’t like them.” End of discussion. Later in life when I told my mother, “you did everything for him,” she defended herself justifying it because they had also gotten him a cushy job operating the concessions at the local country club. “He worked all those years!” she said. I replied, “You got him that job; you never got me any job, you just ignored me.” When I mentioned this to my brother, he said, “Not only did they get me the job, Mom did the job for me half the time.” When I told my mother, “You got him the job; you never did anything like that for me. I was eight years old, what was I supposed to do, go around and find a job at age eight?” She just looked at me with her mouth open, dumbfounded.
The thing about having parents like this is I now know I’ll never be normal. You spend your entire life using a huge amount of energy just keeping the emotional pain at bay. You have no ability to actualize your potential because you are just too damaged. And it all was done to you by the very people who are supposed to protect you. My problem was our father picked on me, my older brother (the chosen one) followed him and picked on me and our mother was completely useless and was mainly interested in fashion and trying to cope with our overbearing father. I was the one everybody wiped their feet on. They did quite well financially and left me enough money to live on for the rest of my life but I have no real ability to enjoy it because I am so completely damaged by them. As I’ve gone through life I’ve seen how few other people have a problem like this. People who had parents who were just neutral (nothing special just so-so) are way ahead of where I had to start from. That’s my story.
Kym, I’m so grateful for your post, where you wrote about never being normal. That’s exactly how I feel. I endured constant sabotage from my mother through my childhood (kept putting me into mental hospitals for ‘evaluations’ because they couldn’t commit or medicate me, as they didn’t diagnose me with anything– totally derailed my education and adolescence. I had been an honors student, and took the SAT’s in 7th grade for practice. . I estranged myself from her in my 20’s after therapy so I could function, picked a mostly decent guy (after just picking the wrong guy over and over and over) and he lost his mind after 6 years of marriage (pills) and he went straight to my mother to hurt me. In the end, it worked in my favor… of course she called Social Services claiming that I ‘abuse’ my kids, and I fully cooperated and went right in for the drug test (and was grateful to have Social Services document reality). My hubs had to ‘avoid’ the drug test (which was when I started to understand where his sudden change of behavior was coming from). After a year of hell, my hubs straightened up and is doing right by us and my kids are happy and well (for 3 and 1/2 years now). I do my best to be involved and help my kids and further them educationally and socially, and I am a total mess inside. I constantly feel like I’ve survived a plane crash, and I wonder how I survived.
I think it’s important to be the parent you didn’t have. I was actually thinking earlier today that as lousy as my life has been in some ways (not in others) the fact that I had two kids I cared more about than I cared about myself was something that helped me steer away from a life of just being angry or sad or something like that.
My children are happy and that’s what counts. I’m a very good parent and that’s the main thing.
Wow, suffocating…
I came here because I googled, why do mothers sabotage, and this came up. It really struck a chord. Point by point made about narcs, it describes what I went through as a child… but your story really takes the cake.
I really hope that you have been able to make a life for yourself since Jan. I know its rough out there. I’ve been unemployed off and on too, but fortunately I have had a good counselor help me (in counseling we discovered that the source of my depression and anxiety is my own narcissistic mother/saboteur).
The insults, diminishing, manipulation, invalidation, not allowing boundaries…
Is there any way you could go back to the state where your community college certification is valid, and work with it? I’m sure you have probably thought of it though…
I hope you’re doing better.
Hi Kim,
Things have been difficult for me lately. Raised in a home apparently very similar to yours, I also feel damaged beyond repair. You are not alone my friend to find life difficult.
Marc
[email protected]
Montreal, Canada
Growing up, I always thought my mother’s (lets call her June) issues were because of alcohol. I remember her actually being a good mother when I was very young, but then again, I was an only child and spent a lot of time in the hospital with orthopedic issues. Looking back, I’m sure my hip issues got HER a lot of sympathy, I always felt like the “show pony”. She left my dad when I was 8 and that’s when it all fell apart. She began drinking and sleeping around. Thank God we lived with my grandparents and they took care of me most of the time. June dated married men, would drag me to bars… on school nights if my grandparents couldn’t watch me. I even remember her annoying me while I was trying to do homework, I think she wanted to know how she looked in her new outfit. June was dating a married man who was from Germany… they talked (gleefully) about sending me off to Germany as an exchange student… I think my grandparents squashed that idea. June had me pick out her married boyfriend’s son a gift for Christmas (I was 9 or 10 and I think he was 4)… I got to pick something for myself too, but when we got home, she decided the gift I picked for myself was better so she took it from me and gave it to his kid. I was a bridesmaid when she married her 2nd husband. On the day of the wedding, I fell own the stairs (I was 12 and had major hip surgery as a toddler) June came running out saying “did she rip the dress?????” My grandmother looked at her with SUCH disappointment. I left home at 18 (3 days before my 18th birthday) and got married and had my daughter at 19. I had my son at 23 struggled to raise 2 children, work and go to school… so I could take care of my kids, myself and leave my unhappy marriage. I eventually became a nurse and was in a good place in my life. June stopped drinking when I was in my late 30s after almost dying from pancreatitis. She hadn’t drank in years, was living far away and although she was still annoying sober, at least she seemed to have SOME small capacity for reason. I didn’t have much interaction with her. Her new (3rd) husband was a recovering alcoholic who hadn’t drank in decades. He began drinking again and was trying to get her to as well. That’s when I loaned her money for a divorce attorney. She left him and got her own place, but kept telling me how she has no family around. Then she got the flu or pneumonia and no one of her friends came to check on her. She talked me into letting her move in with me and I agreed on the condition that she is welcome so long as she is not drinking. She also promised to put down 50,000 toward my mortgage, which would be a less expensive living arrangement for us both. Of course, she later backed out on that deal… thank God, because now, after 4 years of living in HELL, I HAVE TO evict her. She started drinking again about 2 years ago and is the same MESS she was when I was a kid. She has been trashing me to anyone who will listen, and has been for at least the last 3 years. June tells people I “mistreat” her, but if asked for details, can’t come up with anything that doesn’t sound outright ridiculous. She is getting a free ride at my expense and I am DONE. She takes no responsibility for her own happiness and EVERYTHING is my fault. I could say SO much more, but it feels good just to get this out. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me for evicting “my mother” June… at this point its her or ME and guess who I’m choosing. If I don’t I know this will make me physically ill.
FREE YOURSELF FROM THE NARCISSIST IN YOUR LIFE OR THEY WILL CONSUME YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kym-
So sorry about what you experienced; I understand because I could have written your posts from my experiences.
Most people do not understand and cannot understand unless they have been in a similar situation. I internalized all the self doubt and sadness for most of my life until I went to a therapist to help cope with divorce after a long term marriage. She was like a dog with a bone and would not let me go until I recognized that I had been a scapegoat child of a full blown narcissist. It was like the door opened when I began to understand what I had been through. What a gift to understand. I am able not to blame myself anymore, to feel guilty about every little thing, and to recognize the positive in myself.
My children are also my happiness, a redemption for which I am thankful every day.
There is hope in the truth that we cannot change the past, only the present and future. I suppose we can change how we think about the past, too, and not be so hard on ourselves or angry about it.
All the best to you.
My god!! I have known about Narcissistic mothers for a few months now and the cruelties they heap on their children (or spouses etc.), but THIS- this is a whole new level of s**t she’s putting you through. You should really consider cutting her off from your life. There will be a HUGE amount of resistance, drama, defaming you in front of others and much more (I speak from experience). But it’ll all be worth it. You’ll enjoy your life even if you end up on the streets (I hope not).
I wish you all the best in life. You’ve found out the cause- I hope it helps you to reach a solution.
Thank you so much for this post. I would like to share my experience here because I want people to understand a bit more about the legal and illegal extents to which a narcissist can go. It’s a bit long- but lemme give you some back story.
I came to know about NPD and narcissistic mothers a few months ago. Ever since then, I and my husband have tried to arm ourselves with the knowledge as much as we can.
I had been the Golden Child and my elder sister, the Scapegoat, in my mother’s world. As you rightly pointed out in this article, I was perfect for her image- straight A student, excelled in co-curricular activities, filled her living room with trophies. She obviously used this for creating a wedge between my sister and me. (Triangulation)
This worked out for my sister because she kept her distance from my mother and all the things happening inside, by going out with friends and doing her own thing. I, however, was caged by my mother in the name of “love” and “protection”. I apparently needed protecting from “all the bad people in the world” because I was “too dumb” to take care of myself. She knew how to carefully manipulate me to keep me in line; just enough display of love to make me believe she cared for me and make me feel stupid if I even questioned her otherwise, and enough emotional abuse to get her narcissistic supply.
She forced me into activities that SHE had always wanted to do (dancing and singing). I ended up liking dancing and trained in it for 13 years. I didn’t like to sing- so only trained in it for 7 years. For this, I’ve always been called a loser, and a quitter and that I am never serious about achieving anything in life. Once, when I had a knee injury and couldn’t even bend my knee, and hence stopped practising for a while, she verbally abused me so much that just to get her to stop, I started my practice. 3 hours in, I was weeping as I was practising- but oh, the joy on her face! She loved to see me in agony!!
In the last 2 years of my high school, I used to be sexually harassed by a male teacher. I went and told this to my mother- to which she asked me to not tell anyone and that she would handle it. She filled my head with all sorts of fear by saying that if people get to know that he’s doing something to me, no one will believe him and think that I am a whore and defame me and every other imaginable bulls**t. I totally believed her!!!! Why? Because for my entire life, I had no other reference of the world. And the way she “handled” it, was by talking to him about me, so that his interactions with me increased, he had more chances to speak about his filth to me, and she had more opportunities to act as the saviour who was “always there for her child”.
I used to feel so enraged that she’s letting this happen to me. At the same time, I did not dare to think of her in a bad light. So I had started losing my mind. I had slept for 3-4 hours a day for those 2 years, studying all the time-so that I can get the hell out of there, trashing my room if I get stuck on a study problem (because in my demented head, that implied that I would get stuck in that life forever).
She told me such lies about her relationships in the family, about my father, and just about everyone else in the world that I never could have a good relationship myself until very recently. I went through school without a single friend. Everytime I had one, she would sit with me to “talk”, and “make sure you don’t end up being taken advantage of by this friend” and fill my head with her venom about the way the world works and make me feel scared to befriend anyone again. Even in college, when for the first time, I was away from her, she made sure we talked everyday at least 3 times on the phone, each time the talk extending to 1-2 hours (yes, I’ve talked to her for about 6 hours a day on the phone!!) From what I wore, to who I talked to, and what we talked about- she needed to know everything.
Then, in my 3rd year of college, I fell in love. And the naive idiot that I was, I went and told my mother about it. The first word that came out of her mouth in response was “prostitute”. I was shocked! But it went on. She went on to tell me, that this is why she always put me in an all-girls school, because she knew the moment I would come in contact with boys, I would whore around like this. She called me names, humiliated me, insulted me. I tried telling her and my enabling father that he is a good guy, and he is serious about me, etc etc. But, will a narcissistic mother care?
All hell broke loose after that. She used every second to verbally abuse me, and everyday was an emotional nightmare. I was at a loss to understand what was happening. I had developed a psychosomatic backpain because of it. I started seeing the non-empathetic side of hers (rather, for the first time in my life, I started acknowledging it). One of the incidents which showed me how indifferent she was to me was when I told her how I was repeatedly molested by the son of a family friend when I was really young (around 4-5 years old). Her response to it was, “So?”
In an attempt to be as far away from them as possible, I went on to intern at a company in a different city from where they were living, in the last year of college. To my horror, my parents ended up moving to the same city. A year had passed between telling her about my boyfriend and this and our relationship had strained a lot owing to the immense verbal and emotional abuse that she put me through. I refused to stay with them and started living in a separate house.
One day, they came to my house with a “friend” who was their detective, and I came to know that he had been following me and giving them all information about my whereabouts, my earnings, the contacts off of my phone etc. They also came to know that I was still continuing my relationship with my boyfriend (I had told them we had broken up, because the emotional abuse was giving me health problems. But the abuse didn’t stop even after the fake breakup). Their detective friend- who was more like a thug, and my enabling father dragged me across the floor of my house, trying to force me out of there, while my mother watched. When I tried getting out of the house, she even ordered the detective guy to do whatever it takes to not let me get away- which led to him groping me all over in front of them to “hold me back”. After a lot of struggle, when I stuck to my stand and told them I’m not going to go to their house, and will call the police on them if they don’t leave, they did.
They went to my boyfriend’s workplace- he was teaching at our college at that time, which was in a different city. They accused him of forcing me into a prostitution racket, called him an uneducated fraud and defamed him in front of his colleagues and superiors. They then came to my building, went to every neighbour’s house, and defamed me by calling me a whore and asking them to throw me out.
I didn’t know or understand why they were doing all this- but the emotional trauma was immense. Thankfully, no one kicked me out, because it was difficult to digest that a conservatively dressed, soft-spoken person like me could fit into the picture that they painted. But this angered my mother even more.
She came to my house in an attempt to “talk things out”, which I naively believed, and tried to steal all my documents and money. When she found out that I had locked them up safely, she got pissed off and no further things were “talked out”.
She dragged me to different police stations, where she filed false complaints. Under the disguise of being an extremely caring mother, who is so worried about her child, but ‘sigh’ who does not even care enough to live with her, she went around saying that I was being forced into a prostitution racket by my boyfriend. She defamed me in every way, to anyone who gave her their time of the day. But legally, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, so nothing happened.
But all this left me extremely traumatized. I stopped talking to them altogether. But they would pull contacts off of my phone (remember the detective?) and talk to friends of mine, to whom I hadn’t told about my horrific parents (because I saw nobody believed me in the beginning- so I stopped making the effort) and tell them twisted f**ked up versions of the story.
When all this wasn’t enough, she went to my workplace to defame me and try and get me sacked. Her main motive was to pull me to the streets, make me as vulnerable and helpless as possible- so that I have no option but to run back to her and apologize for having made the grave mistake of choosing my life partner on my own. But thankfully, the people at my workplace knew me and could see how ridiculous her story sounded.
When she wasn’t satisfied with this, she went to a couple more police stations, wrote a letter to the PM office of India- where she defamed me, my husband (I married my boyfriend a year ago), my parents-in-law and my friends. It even led to an inquiry by the Crime Branch in the city that I was living in.
A few months ago, she filed a false criminal case in the court, claiming that I was being unlawfully confined by my husband and that she wants my custody. She even tried to make sure that we missed a couple of hearings by bribing the clerk to not send us the summons. When we finally did appear in court, the case obviously had no merit and my statement was sufficient to squash it. The judge ordered them to stay away from me, as per my request, and keep no contact with me.
I know for a fact that this is by no means, the end. She will keep trying to inflict some or the other sort of pain to me. But knowing about NPD helps me deal with it. I know what to expect, what not to expect and am slowly learning how to heal myself. It has left a lot of scars, and drained me emotionally to quite an extent. On the outside, I and my husband have lost a lot of money to treat my health problems that arose with the emotional trauma that she caused and the legal matters that she keeps springing up; but for the past 4 years of my 25 years of life, I have been FREE!!! And I am ready to shell out a lifetime’s worth of money for that.
For the girl who can’t get away from her mother…what you need to do is cut all ties and disappear. You can’t tell any of your siblings where you are going. She is literally psycho. It is not your responsibility to look after her. Sounds like your siblings too are in on it. You will never get anywhere with that albatross of a mother.
It’s been a year! I hope your life is much better now!!!
Your mother sounds like mine- always ruining everything I have.
I moved abroad and told ppl my mother died. She still tries to find ways to try to contact me- via friends on FB. Gawd forbid I have anything like a long-distance friend she will try to ruin it too!
Good luck on your journey. God Bless
I came across this website at a time in my life where I am on the cusp of cutting ties completely with Narcisstic Mother.
I am 33 years old and finally have come to terms with the fact that the Mother I yearned for never existed.
I was sexually abused by Father around the age of 9. Wrote her a letter and told her when I was 11 years old, she got into the phone and was crying to anyone who would listen. I remember thinking dos he abuse her.
Not once did she ask me how I was. From a young age I was my own guardian I had to teach myself to style my hair, iron , cook take and pick myself up from school. Thankfully I had great grandparents who adored me, they were also Narcissitic parents. But I was their golden child. Throughout my teens they were my saviours.
I entered abusive relationships, I was promiscuous.
I found a live and gift for dance. Once when I attended a dance class, she came to watch and criticised me profusely and thought it was important to let me know that my child benefit was used to pay for the dance class.
I moved back with her a couple years ago after I reached a rough patch. My granmother passed away.
And I reached rock bottom. I had also had to flee to another part of the country after an ex partner attempted to take my life. The same ex partner whose uncle she began dating months later.
No longer having my granmother to turn to had me truly evaluating my life, I had slways journaled.
However, I knew that I was not born into this earth to be her verbal punching back.
I have truly looked myself in the mirror and worked through suppressed emotions, I see that she is a deeply troubled human being. Who does not love me, sees me as competition. And does not wish for me to surmount to anything.
However I see the beauty within me. I see the beauty within others, and whilst I did go through many times of wanting to end my life, I now strive to clear and rod my self of the conditioned ways of thinking. I do not yet have children but I am determined to live my best life yet. And clear all of the inner debris so that my future children do not have to experience the pain and emotional abuse I have encountered.
Today is Thursday and I am cutting ties permanently on Tuesday I in s stable job, and currently working on my dance career. I have found my True Self underneath all the debris. And will be walking away and moving into s new home environment.
I feel no need to say an official goodbye. I will leave whilst she is st work.
Even though we have lived in the same house for three years. I have blocked her on my mobile for two years as she would often send me verbally abusive texts whilst at work.i have blocked emails and closed my Facebook page. There will no possible way for her to contact me. I have not been in touch with family for years now. Although we are not on bad terms we all live detached lives.
My upbringing has taught me how not to be. My heart is filled with love and I have learnt to love myself I have let go of old relationships which were detrimental to my wellbeing, and am excited about the new and Unknown.
This path has been extremely difficult to say the least I have only written snippets of my story here.
No human being should have to endure such abuse. It is abuse just because this person birthed me does not give her entitlement to attempt to jeopardise my life from every angle.
But want to sing my praises to others when I am successful with external accomplishments simply because it gives the illusion that she was a”great” parent.
She has no friends. Is enstranged from her siblings and dad. And has had multiple partners this year alone totalling 6. In low paid job always struggling playing the victim card, expecting my income to supplement her. I refuse. And then she retaliates with verbal abuse.
But I now stand my ground.
And talking calmly to her. She is deeply troubled. NC will be the best gift to self ever.
I was adopted by a narcissistic monster(can’t stomach it to refer to her as a ‘mother’) – she is no mother and never has been. This woman has made it her life’s work to destroy my life. She sabotaged everything, every opportunity, relationship, any slight chance I ever had of feeling a sense worth. She’s done that to me my entire life and even though I cut ties with that monster, she still tries to use other people to get to me. She is truly a relentless and vicious viper.
It’s very confusing though to grow up how I did because she manipulated everyone around me. She used other people to do her dirty work – to say and do mean things. In fact, I have never been able to maintain any relationship with anyone that she also knew. She kept me under her thumb and played ‘good cop, bad cop’ with everyone around me. I had no one growing up – absolutely no one. I still can’t believe I survived what this monster has done to me, but I have. I’ve missed so much in my life, so much that I think I was supposed to experience but could not because she sabotaged all of it and then played innocent – she throws the bombs and then hides her hands, so to speak. Still, she was the only “mother” I ever knew and to be treated so horribly as I was, is so confusing – somewhere inside, I knew it was wrong, but there was never anyone to tell me/confirm this – no one went against her because she controlled and manipulated all of them like effigees. She did it to me too – its a very confusing trap she tangled me in and it hurts still so deeply to think that someone, anyone, especially the person I should have been most nurtured by, could put so much energy into crippling me – I still don’t understand what could uninterruptedly motivate a person to such evil extremes.
Resent? Envy? Greed? All of it? But I was a child – how can anyone do that to a child?
I’ve read a lot about how narcissism can be quite the common thing among adoptive mothers and she certainly fits the bill.
I am away from her now and my life is better for it, but I still have a lot of scars. I got married and had my own family and of course, she tried to control and manipulate my husband too – she couldn’t and so she hates him. She hates anyone that is “of no use” to her – those are her exact words about people she cannot manipulate “of no use” – so sociopathic.
She wreaked havoc in my family because I gave her the benefit of a doubt for way too long – always trying too create tension and dissension between me and my kids – between me and my husband – marriage is tough enough as it is without someone always trying to undermine your relationship. Whenever I tried to establish boundaries, she used my adoptive father and other people as well, to tell me how mean and disrespectful I was to her. I tried so hard to have a relationship with her and her family but it is like walking into a brick wall – I am much better off without her in my life and also without all of the weak, blinded people she continues to control. She’s got a real dark magnetic pull on people – impressed with her own ability to control the masses but disgusted at the same time by the atrocities that she creates. That is probably why she lives her life in total denial. She thinks if she does or says something that looks good on the outside, it is validation that she is good – a wolf in sheep clothes.
I am still putting the broken pieces of my life, mind, heart and soul back together – and am trying to take back everything that she took from me – I encourage anyone who can relate to what I have written to do the same – don’t give in to the anguish and pain – it is your life – live it!
I’m in the middle of a divorce and had to move back with my Mom. We never did get along no matter how much I tried. My brother was the golden child because he was talented in Music. I was always the quiet one, the sensitive one. I was made to do excessive household chores for hours because (it had to be perfect). I had a “dry” sense of humor and I was referred to be a late bloomer in looks.
I moved back 5 months ago, in that time I’ve been thrown out 4 times and she said she’d call 911, because I said the word “shit” I called her bluff all 5 times. She will start screaming, screaming on the top of her lungs..an 89 year old woman behaving like a spoiled 2 year old. When I moved back home and I tried to voice my opinion different from hers, she’d give me that glare, that evil eyed look that I swear if she had a knife in her hand she would have jumped me. This woman is 89 years old and still in full blown mode.
My brother has had his share of her cruelty over the years so we did some researching and came up with Narcissist personality disorder. When we read it, we saw 100% of our Mother. I’m “the black sheep”, I have always been called that because I challenged Mom while my brother just went along with it.
I’m using my brothers room now that I’m here and its like a time warp, she saved EVERYTHING…I mean everything, baseball jackets from when he was 10 and on up. Its very odd because my brother is 56 years old. My room looks like a guest room. You’d think she only had 1 child. I remember when we moved she said (the movers) stole all my things. I was erased at age 16.
When I was married I decided to call her once a month because that’s all the abuse that I could take. But I missed my Dad. She would never let us have a Father/daughter relationship because she always had to go wherever we went and then monopolize everything.
Mom had a stroke a few weeks ago and is in rehab and I’m alone, thank the Lord! and I’ve been reflecting. In a way its liberating to know the truth, and I can look back at all the years and see the truth. I am not taking my Maiden name, I can’t live with that reminder, I’m taking my birth family’s name.
Now I won’t feel guilty when I leave here. I’m going totally no contact and finally move on. Since we never had a relationship it won’t be hard to leave at all and never go back.
I have been noticing that my brother is treating me like Mom did. He will tell me that the internet worked fine before I came here, and the sink only started leaking when I got here. We’re going to have a conversation soon. I’m not putting up with that shit. no way. I’m smarter and wiser as we all should be. Hang in there everyone…!!!
Glad you mentioned your feeling of being “pulled under”. I thought I was nuts when my parents kept insisting that I do better in school to get better grades, but they always seemed to undermine my efforts in some way.
One example was when I would make a suggestion or describe an experience that countered what my mother had said; she’d just reply “oh poof…”, followed by some excuse to downplay what I said.
Over time, I learned my suggestions were about 99.9% useless, so I just learned to lead by example. She would praise some of my successes from time to time, but they always seemed “never enough” to suit her. If I countered her advice, then she would make sure I knew I was on my own in every way.
I’m noticing that many of us, as victims learn to express ourselves throughout our ordeals as to be able to communicate the realities of our struggles, very vividly. Never in my life did I imagine how many intelligent, expressive people, could be put in such mental and physical bondage — handicapped to endure such tortures. I want to spend the rest of my life helping others as Dr. Linda and others, through writings, have helped me.
My prayers go out to everyone who has had to endure such unnecessary torment in their lives. Your writings and courage are extraordinary! I never realized I was actually part of a seemingly “secret society”. Somehow, we tend to think of human oppression to be a part of history, yet history continues to unfold and reveal ugly truths about human nature. I can see where the negative can outweigh the positive so much, as to distort peoples’ ability and desire to succeed, despite the intelligence that can appear so available.
My mother is like this. For whatever messed up reasons, she likes to see me fail. But I can’t fail if I don’t try. So for my whole life, she has always started by trying to encourage me or help me, and then as soon as I try, she does whatever she can to sabotage me. There are sooo many examples over so many years, and she knows no boundaries when it comes down to it. She has even broken federal law before trying to take me down. Her biggest blood-in-the-water senses go off whenever she realizes I am trying to work on myself, such as through therapy or anything along those lines. I used to think she was possessed or something.
Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday and I celebrate the fact that it will be 2 years since I went no contact with my family. Much like other posters here, my mother put me down all the time and then expected me to be her trophy child in public. When I became a bit older and would call her on her lies, she would tell me that I needed to go to a shrink because it was all in my head. Of course, she never did because a professional would have seen right through her. She would hit my so hard with a wooden spoon that it would break and enrage her that she would grab another spoon and hit me all over again. I felt totally isolated growing up and had the great grades, athletic awards and yet I was so empty inside. She would constantly put me down and tell me that I was worthless. She would belittle me to the point where I thought that my life was pointless. I ended up dating a person in high school who beat me and threatened my life, and yet I was comfortable with it as I truly thought that this is what I deserved. Many times when I was very young I was convinced that I must have been adopted as other children seemed to have such loving parents compared to mine. My dad was a door mat and did not protect me. TODAY – I embrace being a mom and wife to the fullest as I truly appreciate what it means to be unconditionally loved and accepted. I have a good job and I see how much jealousy my mom had for me that she could never have loved me even if she had wanted to. This morning, she sent an email to me (all of her email addresses that I had are blocked so she had to be extra sneaky today) saying she wished she could celebrate my birthday with me and hoped I enjoyed my new car and flooring in my home. Apparently, the “flying monkeys” still exist to let her know what is going on with my life, but that is their problem, not mine. I did find the humor in the fact that she sent her email today, not tomorrow when it is my actual birthday because she can’t make it about me – it is always going to be about her. So…Mom..I am enjoying my new car (that you had nothing to do with) and my new flooring (which we paid for ourselves) and my life is more calm and peaceful without you, enabling dad and rest of my family who chose to continue with this dysfunction. I hope that for my son’s sake, this cycle of abuse has ended with this generation because I think that this might just be the best birthday present I could give myself.
To all of you that have dealt with a Narcissistic Mother or father: I know this has been a long journey for all of us that have experience this spirit of insidious behavior. I want you all to know that I’m sorry for we all had to go through, not even knowing who to talk to about without them thinking were crazy for talking about so much to whom that will listen, I know we all have been there. This is a on the rise topic and it needs to be told, because what we all went through was real, its not a made up story, even though the accuser our parents would make seem like it was. Its awful to have a maternal mother and father that will manipulate and play mental hurtful games, along with the rest of emotional abuse and division that this spirit brings in the family. With this opposition which is created from the narcissist, This is a form of emotional abuse and it has occupied us most of our life, and its because its abnormal for any child to marvel at something so wrong coming from your own maternal parent. But remember it is not you with the problem its the spirit that is in them, only God & Christ can help them. They have to know they have a serious problem that only the word of God & Christ can help them. I understand they get worst there may be a change and there may not. I just want to say to all of you that you are wonderfully made when your mother and your father forsake you God will take care of us, because God is love. Stay in the scriptures. And stay well, God Bless
I am a single mom with 2 children 13 and 14. I have always known their dad was a nacississt, but I thought since I was divorced he really couldn’t affect me anymore. I will share I have been through the ringer in my youth with all kinds of abuse and because of THAT, I am more tolerant in some ways of those who abuse me and because I didn’t know better. Friday I had my son’s school meeting for special ed needs (he’s very dyslexic and other processing issues but regular IQ). The dad was there along with our son’s attorney. The Donkey is pissed at me for an upcoming demand to increase child support since they were 5 yrs old and made the meeting about how terrible a mother I am and totally derailed the meeting and took the side of the school against our child so that he could show everyone what a crazy incompetent mother I am. The donkey’s actions removed our chances to go to court (which is what we had positioned ourself to do and this was the last meeting before we filed.) It totally deflated me and I had to walk out of the meeting for him to later continue to taunt me in the parking lot whereupon I used my Big voice and said move away from me. The attorney thankfully stayed with me. And I have had 2 days of uncontrollable crying from someone who rarely shows tears as I see that as weakness (it’s actually a protection from when I was a kid…take the punch and show it doesn’t hurt you). I digress….
So, I wanted to see if there was anything/advice on how to successfully navigate when working with a narcisstic parent and came upon this site. I will say Suffocating, you share has pierced my heart with sadness. And I learned at 18 years ago (I am 51) to cut off that toxic limb, although I didn’t perfect this until 8 years ago. Metaphor for whatever that which is paralyzing you. I left home when I was 15 and lived with a relative. It took me until I was 18 to severe my communication with my narcisstic/alcoholic/abuser mother and never went to her funeral upon her death at 50. With each person that destroys my innerself and steals life from my soul…I would cut off in my outside family relationships (except work Donkey bosses I would tolerate this behavior), but I got rid of them! Yet, in my own house I allowed abuse. I have learned much about abuse and spent many years of self-harming behaviors and know that you deserve to be happy but you can only do this when you face her and tell her your done and own it. Until then you will keep running and fostering her sick behavior. Remember, no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to. You are allowing her to rape you of the best years of your life which you so want. I know you can do this. I always felt better in writing and I would suggest that writing a letter to her for closure if you can’t tell her how you feel. Don’t expect anything back but denial and defensive actions. She thinks she’s entitled to do what she does and can justify it with some B.S. reason. Stop enabling her to hurt you!!
I am an alpha woman and ultimate warrior to protect them. In fact I became a co–founder of a nonprofit to help parents in crisis with children who are fighting the schools for their child. I have championed many causes and found an inner child’s voice that was heard. The self healing has been fulfilling and yet I still can’t figure out how to work with these narcisstic people in my life. I hope to learn much from this site. I also think you should volunteer some time and get involved with something you love and can flourish within that in ways u might not imagine. You are a very loving, compassionate and empathetic person too, but you need to know your value….you get one life, and you’ve lost more than 7 being with her. I hope you found your way……
(that’s what I refer to him as)
Wow. I’ve thought of doing this. I did go far away to California. Mother called 911 and made a false police report about me being insane, passed out on drugs and alcohol, having a stroke and a heart attack, and basically being dangerous to myself and others and needing a SWAT team to come get me, which they did. I was asleep in bed as they broke into my apartment and whisked me away against my will, fracturing my skull in their panic of encountering a sleeping woman. I actually didn’t think she would go that far. She found out that she could be named my guardian and conservator if I were declared insane. This was right after my husband’s death. She was controlled enough around him that I was never able to convince him of the dangers of my mother.
I am an adult child who has found himself at the mercy of an extremely narcisstic and sabotaging father. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder last year after he essentially sabotaged my job by waking me up each morning at the crack of dawn, demanding I do his laundry when I’m clearly extremely anxiety filled with work and my sleep situation as it is, and then making demands after I’m suicidal and totally unable to care for myself. (He went on vacation after vacation – leaving his laundry for me, and his house to take care of … while I suffered a Bipolar depressive episode that led me to attempt suicide). I’ve done all I can – including asking/telling/screaming at him to leave me alone, do his own laundry, clean up after himself, and quit with the passive agressive sabotage shit like making sure I’m up every morning at 4 with him (despite the fact that he naps and sits on the couch all day every day.) There are times when i’ve considered the unspeakable – sometimes I believe that is the only way to make this stop. I’ve had enough of the abuse, the disrespect, the total package from a father who is so self-absorbed and obsessed that he’d sabotage his own children not to be alone (or have to take care of himself).
OMG!
This forum is so very helpful. Thank you to all for sharing your stories. Here is mine:
I believe that my boyfriend’s mother has this disorder and I visited this blog earlier in the fall of this year to try to learn more, after spending a hellish week with him and her in the north of Spain.
The short version is this: I am older than my boyfriend by 22 years, but we have been together for about 7 years. I had never met his parents and frankly, didn’t want to. He is Spanish and I am from California. They knew I existed, but knew very little about me. When I met him and his mother at the train station in their town, I was nervous, of course, but also having a higher than average level of self-esteem and confidence, I figured she would like me because most other people do, and I have been quite a public person in Spain with a TV show on an English language learning channel so I wasn’t worried too much about her judging me about our age difference.
Boy, was I WRONG. She was relatively nice at first, but then after the 2nd or 3rd day pulled a stunt that had me shaking my head and wincing with dismay. My boyfriend and I were out for the afternoon having fun in the ocean and we got back a bit later than expected in the early evening, she was sitting on her bed in her room. We asked her if we could take a shower (she would only allow us to use the shower in her room, although there were 3 in the home) and she replied (in SPanish) “Well, why would that matter to ME? Do what you want.” Super awkward. I could tell from her tone and from my boyfriend’s reaction that trouble was on its way. And it was.
The next morning she was visibly cool and curt and I told my boyfriend that he needed to find out what was wrong with her. Perhaps she was irritated that her husband was going to arrive at her country home the weekend and she was dreading it? When he asked her about it I was upstairs in my room and while I couldn’t understand all of the Spanish, I got the gist. She started yelling and ranting and raving for almost one hour. I was cringing with embarrassment and also pain, as it brought back many memories of my own childhood drama with fighting parents. She was irritated that I wasn’t getting up early to spend time with her and teach her English, which I had no idea about. I had no idea that this was expected of a guest and also because I had a terrible cold and coughed all night I assumed she knew I was being considerate by staying quiet. Also, she had never mentioned one word about wanting to learn English. It was baffling.
I minced around her for the next couple of days, staying in my room in the mornings listening to my podcasts and essentially trying to stay out her way. Nobody wants to ask for trouble.
For the next couple of months, I tried to piece together all of things my boyfriend had told me about her: she had very few friends, and those that she did have were mainly work friends or superficial friendships. She was always right and if anyone in the family disagreed with her or challenged her she would find a way to cut them down and/or alienate them from her approval and affection. She was quick to remind them of their failings and how they had let her down and also, having control of the household finances, she could exert control over her children and her husband by giving and taking money from them depending on how she saw fit. In short, she maintained control over everyone in the home by holding the purse strings and also commandeering the emotional energy of the family by being the final decision making about how holidays and other events were to be observed. On one occasion when the husband and children wanted to attend a close relation’s wedding and she didn’t want to go, she stayed home and berated and insulted the others for going because she had decided it wasn’t appropriate to attend.
Does she has NPD? I’m no expert in this field but I’ve only described a few of the things I’ve experienced and heard about. Her relationship with her 3 children and her husband is strained on every level, but they all are held hostage by her emotional and financial control. I’m so bewildered by this and I appreciate hearing from some of you to help me more fully understand the situation.
What a mad world we grew up in… my mother projected everything she hated about herself on me and I still struggle to see who I really am and what her projections are at times.
My mother would not allow me to have friends. If I made friends she would find something wrong with them and I knew I would never hear the end of it if I continued to stay friends with them so it was easier to push them away than deal with her. The only ones I’ve was able to be friends with was because she was friends with their parents or we lived near them and it made her look good.
I was never allowed to shine and she made sure the golden child got everything. I look back now and can see how twisted she was and by my teen years I was voicing to her how bad her double standards where.
Between the mental and physical abuse I was a mess. My oldest sister who was the goldernchild joined in on the mental abuse and physical abuse of me once my father left when I was 12 but I do have memories of her doing it to me before that so im guessing it was going on before thentering age of 12. (I’m still putting my memories back to what is real and not what I was told to be real)
I spent most of my childhood crying and wish either she was dead or for me to be.
I moved out of my home by the time i was 16 and learned from that time on i was alone in the world. I didn’t know how I felt… if I was happy or sad… i was just num. I watched people enjoying themselves and I always felt like I had no right to be there. I thought if people could see the real me they would hate me or I was never good enough. I couldn’t hold down a job because I would tell myself noone liked me or that I was not good enough and I’d quit. I felt I was toxic and why would anyone want anything to do with me. I learnt the most disgusting behaviour and the face my mother showed the world and the one she saved for me behind closed doors was sickinning.
She made sure we had no contact with our father after he left..
I didn’t know how to act in front of people because I knew all the horrible things she was saying about me and I was never to tell anyone it was not true.
I was told i was mental, crazy, dump, stupid a whore, a slot and a bitch. Nothing I did was good enough and if i tried id be abused and told how I was doing it wrong.
If you were out in public and you did something wrong… you knew just from her body language that you were going to cop it on the way home.
I was not in titled to ask for anything and if i was given clothes they were 4 sizes to big and was always told how fat I was (when I was not fat at all)
When I first moved out of home all my stuff was thrown out, it was like I never lived there.
My parents are not happy for me period. I grew up poor in a trailer park and on welfare. I always had the fighting spirit. Many things happened to me, not good, and my mom knew about them and did nothing. I was helpless and she did nothing–I resent her for that. It was all about keeping my drunk and abusive father happy. I get it, but it hasn’t stopped. I am now 30, on my own, with a great job, great friends (ones who care about me and don’t treat me like crap) and my parents constantly try to bring me down. They are not happy for me and they never will be. They can’t accept that someone they tried to destroy and break down as a child (indirectly or directly) prevailed and left them behind. My sister and brother stayed away from the house and I was caught in the middle listening to all of the fighting, hearing my drunk dad threaten to beat my mother, and call her names. Easy to say, I have not had a productive or successful relationship with a man or I am very suspicious of men.
They constantly put me down and I hate visiting. I dread Christmas because I have to see them. I should cherish my parents as they won’t be around forever and I have to look past their insecurities and realize why they think the way they do. They feel left behind because I got out but what self-respecting person would willing stay in that environment if they had other means to not be in that environment. My parents tried to guilt trip me into things and make me feel bad. I think I hate them. My sister got married and that was a doozy. Their behavior was so inappropriate and they did not even talk to anyone. It was shameful.
I grew up with a narc grandmother who raised me along with my very financially dependent mother. I have always strived to be a financially and emotionally independent adult, but early on my grandmother made sure that I had very little social interaction with other children my age and so I didn’t develop the social skills needed to be functional early on. It took me years to instruct myself on how to be social and gain a financial foothold in the world. Unfortunately I met a very narcissistic person fell in love and became dependent on them. I now focus on myself, single and and my focus is in making my way on my own. My grandmother and mother never wanted me to succeed, that would mean I didn’t need them. But I will anyway. ?
When she free’s you, don’t make the mistake of ever having a close relationship with her again, keep her at arms length and never tell her where you live or let her move in again, for any reason no matter how sad, if you’re to weak to deal with that, then YOU NEED to drop of the face of the earth, cut all ties and contacts, screw feelings and blood(she sold you out and threw you under the bus years ago) , no matter what the story is, don’t even make it possible to hear a story. Be Cold, Be Ridged, She Made Her Bed. You have to live with you until you die, better scratch something together for yourself so that you don’t become her. As much as it hurts time to stop being her mother..
(I speak from experience)