Month: November 2012

You cannot be the spouse of a narcissist and be free to be yourself. I don’t care how independent and talented you are. The narcissist takes space in certain crevices of the mind and heart that cannot be overlooked. Even those with concentration and focus are disturbed on some level by sharing their lives with a narcissistic personality disorder. They nibble away at our hope, creativity and optimism. They are not only completely self absorbed, they insist on taking chunks of us, picking here and there. For spouses who are more dependent and vulnerable, they can leave this person completely helpless, unable to make their own decisions, immobilized psychologically.

Narcissists emotionally and mentally drain those close to them. They suck life out of their children, creating little narcissists out of those whom they think have the best inherent material. They weaken, deride, humiliate and endeavor to psychologically annihilate the ones who don’t come up to their standards. Those left behind, when they survive, can become very strong, individuated and creative. They have been through the worst, having a parent who was incapable of loving them authentically but now they are overcoming this and fulfilling their dreams and potential.

Those who stay with narcissists in endless empty marriages continue to narrow their life options. Always in the back of the their minds they are wondering what he or she is going to demand of them next. It’s like constantly fighting a rip tide. There are no breaks, no respite. The narcissist will never change. Many spouses make rationalizations about the “good times”—the lifestyle, the excitement of having lovely possessions, the romantic thrall of the narcissistic partner, the over the top promises, the dreams spun of pure gold, the going to the heights fantasies that linger in the mind. This is the delusion that the narcissist sells to his/her spouse.

As the years go by—sharing them with a narcissist– becomes more difficult to keep your life options free and creative. Many spouses wake up–sometimes on the brink of a psychological or physical breakdown and finally know that they must get out, even if they have to leave everything behind them. I have communicated with many spouses who have been through this process. It is difficult and and can be frightening. Recognize that as you move through this, there is a part of you that has been screaming at the top of your lungs to be free. After the formal proceedings are over, your time will come. You will return to your original self and find that you beginning to walk, then jog, then run toward all the opportunities that have been waiting for you. Now you have the wind at your back. Enjoy the beautiful view and breathe in glorious freedom. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You’ve heard the expression “Size matters.” In this case I am talking about high level narcissist’s:

Expanding egos, outrageous sense of entitlement, multiple stock and asset portfolios, number of homes, yachts, vacation homes, private jets, helicopters, vintage cars, outrageous salaries and bonuses. I understand that some of the receivers of these obscene amounts of money are now whining because some people have publicized that they are being unfair to customers by charging extra fees at their banks. Can you imagine how anyone would have the hubris to complain and moan about this. Well, believe it. High level narcissists are always surprising to those who are not narcissists. I see a lot of “narcissists in training” these days. They fawn over high level narcissists who are left unaccountable in any legal or moral way, who help themselves to obscene payoffs while those whom they harm, in the millions, are left behind, grabbing for crumbs or to lick the bottom of a dry bowl.

I hear from the spouses of high level narcissists. Some are willing to make the deal with the devil and stay married to them because they are afraid of being on their own, are more delusional than they think and have become too accustomed to the lifestyle to give it up. Others are desperately trying to gather up the courage and knowledge to leave these psychopathological nightmares. Some make the break and sever the marriage and get back their real lives. They have great courage and resolve. Many of them report that it was the best decision they have ever made.

What matters is quality—-of your kindness, empathy, use of your creative gifts, support of friends and family members who need your help now. And what about the people you meet who through no fault of their own are without any kind of support—financial, psychological, medical or otherwise. Fortunately, I have heard from exceptional people who are moving along spiritually—-They think about those who are suffering and how they can help to alleviate that pain; they think about living more simply; they care deeply about how we are destroying Nature with collective greed; they think about contributing to the quality of their lives and the lives of others. Make yourself heard. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert narcissists are among the most difficult to recognize. They have such a smooth act going that they have been practicing all of their lives. How can someone who is so self-effacing and self critical, be such a louse. That’s because they have learned to play so many roles with great skill. Some of them are: “I’m helpless and need you desperately.” “You are the most wonderful person I have ever met. I don’t deserve you.” “I want you to be my mentor; I look up to you.” “You are so great; I want to be just like you.” “I have fallen in love with you and can’t let you go.” That last one is one of the best if we can admit it.

First, take time to research in depth all of the facets of the narcissistic personality disorder. Beneath the well faked humility, the covert narcissist possesses all of these traits. He/she may not be grandiose and they usually aren’t. But they feel superior to others, are self absorbed, deceitful, manipulative, chronic liars and exploitive without a pinch of empathy.

Especially if you are very attracted to this person, hold off on your impulses to get more intimate and take a long view and a microscopic look at this individual. It is well worth your effort and time. You will spare yourself a lot of misery not getting caught up in the narcissistic web. Always use your intuition. If you are finely tuned to it, they will give themselves away. Be patient and highly discerning. I wish you the very best. I know you will prevail. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle editionEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are certain pathological and destructive patterns that run through narcissistic families. Each family is unique but there are repetitions of unjust and cruel maneuvers that take place when a narcissistic older brother is the mother’s favorite perfect son and the two of them collude. This is particularly the case where financial assets and properties are involved. Plans between these two are made well in advance before other family members are suspicious. The father who is considered weak and stupid by the narcissistic wife is out of the picture. The narcissistic mother married him for the family money that he controlled or his lucrative business. That was her goal from the first time she met him. I want to emphasize that these narcissists plan ahead—not in weeks or months but years ahead. They are so entitled and over-confident and nervy that they believe they can get whatever they want because they are so brilliant and clever.

If you suspect that the favored sibling is a narcissist, do everything you can to become highly informed about this serious personality disorder. At some point you may decide to hire an attorney to protect your interests. Other siblings may be fooled by the golden boy narcissist. There is nothing you can do to convince them that this person has a very defective character that is not going to change. Talk is very cheap and narcissists are excellent at using their lying words to convince others they are telling the truth.

I have observed too many cases in which the narcissistic golden child was given the benefit of the doubt that he is looking out for all of his siblings. Even if it is a biological sibling, this person has no right to take what belongs to you. Observe very keenly and maintain your sense of focus and inner steadiness. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Growing up in a narcissistic family is one of the most difficult and painful legacies. You have been surrounded by some family members whom you thought you could trust and who cared about you. But that is not the case. In some instances one of the parents is able to give his/her children enough love and attention to be spared. In others, the child is on his own to make his way. Sometimes, brothers and sisters stick together to protect themselves from the narcissistic parent and the golden child that has been chosen and created. Those who discover early that they must fend for themselves have a very hard road ahead. They use everything inside of them to remain strong and move ahead. Some of these children have to pretend that they are going along with the narcissistic parent and obeying them to keep the peace. Inside their minds, they know that the narcissist is cruel and deluded. Other children are less fortunate. They keep thinking that it is their fault that the parent does not love them. I have known of adult children of narcissists who are still suffering, looking for love from a parent who will never give anything to them.

What is extraordinary is the child of a narcissist who becomes a compassionate empathetic human being. Against all odds, this person not only survived the horrendous abuse and neglect of this family but they became a solitary force of love, kindness and compassion to all of those who touch their lives. They carry the scars of what happened in this cauldron of cruelty and neglect but are determined to make their lives different—and they have. These individuals deserve our respect. They are people of high consciousness that bring needed light into a world. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You have been suffering from breaking up and going back with your narcissistic ex for years. You know the pattern. You don’t him see or hear from him in several months after one of your many partings. He calls; you are hooked again. I communicate with a number of women who are trapped in this repetitious pattern. Many of them have been married to narcissists. Each time they resume the relationship, they believe that this time it is all going to work. Narcissists are not capable of loving or being loyal with other human beings. They have a serious personality that is not going to change. They are false selves, often with an irresistible facade. Most people fall for this and believe that the persona is the real person. This is not the case.

Instead of repeating a psychological pattern that is harmful to you, use your intuition—listen to this voice of wisdom within you—. When the narcissist makes contact or you feel the need to call, email or text him, listen to your intuition say no. Intuitive messages move through us very quickly. We learn to be attuned to them. This is a great gift. The more consistently you use intuition the more finely tuned it becomes. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If you have been psychologically, financially and/or emotionally damaged by a sociopathic narcissists, sociopath, don’t wait for for him or her to be brought to justice –formal or informal–in this lifetime. It is chilling to watch how these non-blood drawing criminals get away with destroying the lives of others.

I am in communication with individuals whose lives have been eclipsed, diminished and disrupted by these people. They are so clever at covering their tracks and if they live and work at the higher reaches of a current society where many value absolute power and materialism, they are assured of being protected by business and social associates that give them praise, veneration and blind loyalty. These tight groups of deceit and exclusivity reflexively close ranks and protect destructive and abominable behaviors.

On the opposite side of the divide are individuals of the finest character. Despite their professional achievements, their socioeconomic status and all of the praise they receive, they never forget that they are no more important or valuable than any other human being. In fact, they are grateful for what they have achieved. They are aware of the suffering and difficulties of others who are not as fortunate as they are.

If you are still involved with a sociopathic narcissist, you know deep inside that your life is compromised and and you are being whittled down by this controlling, demanding personality. I hear from women who for decades have been married to these men and will not leave them. They are paying a very high price for this decision. Their identities have been blurred, their creative opportunities have been squelched and their nervous systems are worn from the chronic harsh criticisms, constant demands, intimidations and betrayals by their partners.

When you make the decision to sever the relationship from the sociopathic narcissist, this is an enormous step in reclaiming your life. It takes tremendous courage. You are demanding to have what belongs to you: a life that is filled with hope, creative energy, the possibilities of reciprocal love and respect and inner peace. Gather your support group around you. Research the best attorneys and interview them in depth. Call upon your spiritual practice if you have one, keep yourself physically strong through consistent exercise. Stay in the present but envision the freedom and all of the opportunities that await in this next phase of your life. Take hold of your destiny with open arms. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are compulsive liars—-they can’t help themselves. This is not an excuse for their abominable behavior. It is part of their psychopathology. Narcissists spend their lives in a state of delusion, a world of their making. They find others to share this delusion with them. If they are highly successful they have no difficulty finding those who are willing to “play with them” and share their lifestyles. At the core of it, the narcissist is a very small petulant child who has major tantrums if he doesn’t get everything he wants.

One of the chief ways the narcissist reaches his goals is through lying—overt and covert lies. He/she often bad mouths others, makes efforts to destroy their characters and professional status to move themselves foreword up the ladder. They have no compunctions about lying to everyone. They have clever concocted stories for each person in their inner circle and for the world at large. They lie to their spouses all of the time, to their children—promising them they will spend time with them and then making excuses at the last minute. Narcissists never show up for their children unless it is the favorite golden child that they have picked to be their alter ego. They are very keen at inventing “truths”—intricate stories out of whole cloth. People believe them, even highly sophisticated individuals who should know better. It is the charm and magnetism that camouflages their perfidy every time. Once the narcissist has established power in the world he continues with his lies. He says the opposite of what he does. He promises constantly and never honors these proclamations. He knows that he can create his own reality and if this involves ripping people off for millions of dollars over and over again, or destroying the lives of his children because he was neglectful and cruel, causing so much stress that his spouse becomes very ill—-none of this matters. He faces those who confront his lying with more lies. And this works for the high and mighty these days. We live in a highly narcissistic age where these people are running most of the show. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Protect yourself from these highly disturbed predatory individuals. Lead your own life, using your many creative gifts. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spiritual treks and pilgrimages have become very popular within the new age culture, with many people enjoying a newfound understanding of themselves through their angel number, check out how it affects you. Among these followers there are sincere people who are looking for ways to re-direct their lives, to become humbler, calmer, compassionate, more in touch with their authentic selves. There are spiritual teachers who are very sincere. I am speaking about narcissists who have discovered that offering seminars, books, dvds, ebooks, etc. is one of the surest ways to make large sums of money and be venerated as a very special person.

Narcissistic gurus offer their embossed brand of spirituality. It’s presented as instant and sure. They emphasize that you are just the right person to participate in their program and tell you that you are highly intuitive and that there is a special reason why you found them. They make you feel special. Their eye contact is intense as they draw you in. In some ways they put their prospective students in a light trance. The begin by flattering you. They pretend to listen and to care deeply about all of the life problems that have brought you to their door. They spend just enough time with you to convince you to give them a bank card and sign up. Once they have you in their clutches they will keep pressuring you to sign up for more advanced classes that cost higher amounts of money. Never decide that a person is spiritual based on how many seminars he/she has given, their academic or medical degrees, how many books they have published, the size of their audiences.

Protect yourself from this spiritual predator. Read in depth about the narcissistic personality disorder. Stay in touch with that deep part of you that is highly intuitive and can identify phonies very quickly. Working toward spiritual growth is not about spending a lot of money. It is your spiritual journey. You are free to choose the path you will take. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are large numbers of children who were “raised” by narcissistic mothers. I use the word raised with question because these individuals are incapable of true mothering. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller describes the psychodynamics between the narcissistic mother and her child: “The child…was the narcissistically cathected object. What these mothers had once failed to find in their own mothers they were able to find in their children: someone at their disposal who can be used as an echo, who can be controlled, is completely centered on them, will never desert them, and offers full attention and admiration.” So many adult children of narcissistic mothers continue to play this role of servant and adorer throughout their lives. Every energy, gift, thought, sense of initiative is quashed by the narcissistic mother. They grow up knowing only that they survive by being and remaining attached, fused and loyal only to mother.

Some of these individuals awaken at some point in their development and recognize that they have been imprisoned in a psychological and emotional gulag. The walls of their psychological cells are thick with emotional brainwashing; their minds are taken over only by thoughts of what the narcissistic mother demands of them. They feel anger and frustration but that disappears when they are enveloped by the darkness and delusion of their mother’s hold on them. This is a tragic life course.

Some adult children through their own self analysis, psychotherapy, personal support groups, the working of their insights—discover that they deserve to be released from this nightmare of captivity. They awaken, shake themselves and start moving slowly toward healing and transformation. They expand the use of their creative energies and gifts that have been locked in cold storage. They begin to fledge with practice like a young eagle from branch to branch. They falter at times. But this is all part of self strenghtening. At some point they are ready to fly from the tallest tree in their environment. Now they feel entitled and deserving to become and manifest themselves both inside and in the world. They launch with strong wings that ride the winds, unstoppable and free now to participate in the beauty and meaning of their own lives. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com