Daughters of narcissistic mothers are a unique courageous group of individuals. It is remarkable to me that they have survived the abuses and deprivations growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic non-mother. They have experienced psychological and emotional pain on the severest levels. These daughters speak of their mother despising them from the beginning. With her gazes, gestures and words it is clear that they were not truly loved.
Narcissistic pseudo mothers have hearts of stone. They are emotionally unreachable, inert, hollow,empty.
Daughters have no way of forming a genuine psychological attachment to the narcissistic mother. She is unavailable to them. There is no warmth, no refuge, no comfort or safety. There are no hugs and embraces for this little daughter. She tries innumerable times to get mom to give her even the slightest sign that there is a connection between the two of them.
Rather, narcissistic mother has a built in enmity for her daughter. She is jealous of her, competitive even with the small child. She finds her daughter to be unacceptable even alien to her.
Contrary to this style is the narcissistic mother who creates a living ego supply out of her daughter, a Mini Me reflection of mother’s perfection, like the goose who laid the golden egg.
Mother psychologically fuses with golden daughter, coaching her to become her flawless replica.
The narcissistic mother adores her creation but is incapable of loving her daughter as a separate individual. The daughter exists to enhance mother’s image and to keep her ego fully inflated.
I find that these daughters are of fine character: clear thinking, responsible, compassionate, empathic, with a well-developed conscience.
You deserve to recover and heal completely from the narcissistic mother abuse.
Here are Seven Practices that will help you to recover and thrive as you move forward along your unique pathway of the authentic self:
- Sleep/Rest: As the daughter of a narcissistic mother you couldn’t rest or sleep well. Maybe you felt you didn’t deserve to feel at ease and quiet inside, to trust that you could let down and be safe and comfortable. Give yourself permission to have this essential downtime. Sleep and rest are essential to your physical and psychological health. We were meant to sleep and rest well. Embrace these essential activities. When we sleep a natural restorative healing process takes place inside of the body/mind. You are naturally transported to the parasympathetic nervous system, a quieting, calming state of essential healing.
- .Movement/Exercise/Nutrition: We were designed to move, to exercise and to eat well. This is different for each person. Do the movements and exercise that are natural to you. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. Respect your limitations and make no judgments. Learn about eating nutritious food. This is your essential body/mind fuel that provides you with energy, strength and stamina. Do your own research and discover how you can maintain wellness through these activities.
- Appreciating Your Solitude: Growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother you felt like you were being watched and judged. You could not let down and simply be yourself. Even when you went off alone, thoughts about how your mother was reacting to you were on your mind. Now that you are free of this non-relationship you can openly explore your relationship with yourself, being in your own presence, in solitude. It is in solitude that we get to know ourselves: our feelings, thoughts, the seeds and flowering of creativity. There develops a self acceptance as you practice solitude. Creativity occurs in solitude as we commune with ourselves. The imagination soars and we are lifted beyond our personal histories. We leave them behind in solitude and create new meanings that align with the authentic self.
- Connection with Nature: Nature is a source of beauty, awe, inspiration, restoration. Nature renews our sense of being present and our appreciation of its majesty and mystery. The beauty of Nature calms the body/mind and brings forth metaphors and visions that awakens your creativity.
- Develop Your Intuitive Gifts: Intuition is a gift of insight and wisdom that speaks the truth. We are born with the capacity for intuition. Learn to nurture the powers of this kind of knowing. When you ego is dropped and you are receptive, intuitive messages will come through to you. Stay attuned to your intuition. It is a gift of knowing that is always with you.
- Creating a Circle of Trust – There are a few people whom we can trust. They are hard to find but continue your search. It is well worth it.
- Unleashing your creativity: You have waited so many years to feel the full force of your creativity. Choose a medium of creative expression that you have used in the past or that interests you: drawing, painting, collage, unedited writing, fiction and nonfiction writing, photography.
You have the reins in your capable hands. Make the decisions that speak to your heart, soul and mind. Give yourself great credit for what you have accomplished, the greatest boon of all: the fulfillment of your authentic self, a person of deep integrity.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.