Uncategorized - The Narcissist In Your Life

Covert Narcissists Convince Us They Are Good People

Covert narcissists fly under the radar. It can be very difficult to identify them before they have psychologically ambushed you. Polite, humble, soft spoken, respectful in manner, the covert narcissists conceals his true nature with great skill. He/she comes on the scene unobtrusively. They are at your service, appear to be good listeners and are clever actors of pseudo empathy. In the first moves the covert narcissist appears to be very sincere. He/she has your best interests at heart. This is the bait and the trap. You come to trust and count on this seemingly considerate person who is so interested in your life and goals. The covert narcissist thinks long term, way down the road. He does favors for you and you take him into your confidence. All the while the covert narcissist is sizing you up. The closer he/she comes in, the greater his opportunity for exploiting you. Like all narcissists, these individuals don’t bother with people they can’t manipulate and deceive. Those who romantically fall for the covert narcissist are bound to be very disappointed and hurt. These individuals have taken your measure and know that by romancing you and becoming an indispensable part of your life that they will own your feelings and possess you psychologically. It is not surprising that the covert narcissist chooses a partner or spouse based on social status, professional accomplishments and social and business connections. Whether it is direct or covert, the narcissist is a user who only becomes involved with those whom he can use and increase his power and economic reach. Most individuals are stilled fooled by the covert narcissists because of his low key style, well polished pseudo empathy and his quiet charm and loyality to you. Protect yourself. Narcissists are not good people–they are users and abusers who are eclipsing your life.

Take time to understand all of the incarnations of the narcissistic personality disorder You will learn how to identify, detach, assert yourself despite every tactic the covert narcissist uses. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Surviving A Narcissistic Family

There are some extraordinary human beings who survive growing up in a narcissistic family —-mother, father, siblings. I have heard from some of these individuals and their stories of multiple cruelties, emotional deprivation, scapegoating are the themes of fiction——but this is the truth. These are painful childhoods that have been endured each moment. In some cases there is a grandparent who takes on the early child care and becomes the real parent. This grandparent makes the difference in the child’s life between sanity and insanity, some joy versus chronic misery, feelings of emotional security in comparison with constant terror, truth telling versus chronic lies, a strong sense of self compared with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. In some families a nanny or babysitter can tip the scales for a child who is surrounded by narcissistic family members.

Even with some protection the road toward adulthood is rough and tenuous. Often the vulnerable child is bullied by one of the narcissistic parents who in turn conspires to have the other siblings turn against the appointed victim. Some children learn how to defend themselves psychologically by creating inner worlds through their imaginations by means of writing, painting, mathematics, the sciences, or music. Regardless of how well the adult who has endured and prevailed in the lion’s den of the narcissistic family, he carries the psychological scars of an embattled life. Individuals who come to terms with who they are and can fully appreciate their survival despite all of the odds against them, live in freedom, use their creative gifts and finally experience the inner peace they have been waiting for all of their lives. I hold a special place of honor and respect for these miraculous survivors. They have faced down a mortal enemy inside their family and have won and prevailed. They live now in emotional freedom, using their creative gifts and are living symbols of what the individual human being can overcome and then rise to high levels of consciousness. These special people are an inspiration to all of us. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Surviving the Narcissistic Family II

There are some extraordinary human beings who survive growing up in a narcissistic family—mother, father, siblings–I have heard from some of these individuals and their stories of multiple cruelties, emotional deprivation, scapegoating one would think could be the themes of fiction—but this is the truth.

Regardless of how well the adult who has endured and prevailed in the lion’s den of the narcissistic family, he carries the psychological scares of an embattled life. Individuals who come to terms with with who they are and can fully appreciate their survivial despite all of the odds against them are truly remarkable.

I hold a special place of honor and respect for these miraculous survivors. They live now in emotional freedom, using their creative gifts and are living symbols of what the individual human being can overcome and then rise to high levels of consciousness. These special people are an inspiration to all of us. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists- Becoming More Cruel and Ruthless

The narcissistic personality disorder is fixed but not static. As the narcissist becomes more successful in the world, he/she activates greater and greater grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and ruthlessness. If he/she is at the top of his profession—finance, medicine, entertainment, politics, media, etc. he/she is surrounded by a circle of people who believe that he is far superior to them or anyone else. This protective circle provides the high level narcissist with a continuous circulation of narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, accolades, the highest monetary compensation. These individuals are insulated from any wrongdoing on their part. As these narcissists move to higher tiers of power and influence of great reach, they are almost untouchable in terms of being held accountable for their personal misdeeds and treacheries. The narcissist becomes more emboldened by his increasing reign of power, his control over others, his capacity to destroy them, his winning at all cost. At the highest levels he assures himself that he can make or break anyone. And often this is the case. Does it matter to him if he destroys someone else’s career. Absolutely not! This is business—hardball. Those who side with him (not knowing that they too are disposable) will vanquish his enemies. The narcissist becomes more and more ruthless and inhumane as he grabs more power and becomes more manically delusional.

If this narcissist is a waking nightmare at work, he is hellish at home. Here in the private space there is no need wear his false mask. It is ripped off by the time he reaches the front door.He screams, taunts, threatens,demeans, humiliates his spouse and children. The reign of narcissistic terror is endless. He has his spouse in a psychological stranglehold. If the marriage is going badly and the spouse suggests a divorce, the decree of threat comes down—“You will be left with nothing.” “I will get full custody of the kids.” “Everyone will know that you have instigated the divorce and take my side.” “I will hire a small group of attorneys who know exactly how to defeat you at every turn in the divorce process.” These threats are continuous and terrorize the non-narcissistic spouse. I have been in communication with men and women who are so frightened that they feel that their only recourse is to stay in the toxic marriage. If you make “nice” with the narcissist, he will always find ways to belittle and threaten you. In some cases he has complete power over the finances, leaving the non-narcissistic spouse at his mercy. Some spouses reach a breaking point—They are in severe distress–They cannot sleep; they are on red alert free floating anxiety all of the time; their physical health is suffering; their children are enduring emotional stress as a result of the narcissist’s constant eruptions of rage, outrageous demands and ongoing cruelties and humiliations.

Don’t wait for the narcissist to change course. He knows he can control and manipulate you at any time. He is eclipsing your life and the lives of your children. Some spouses take a courageous step to sever their relationship from these highly disturbed individuals. They strengthen themselves physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. They surround themselves with a protective support group. I have heard from many of those who made this decision and successfully severed their relationship with the narcissistic spouse. All of their efforts—well thought out and skillfully done—paid off. They reclaimed their lives and changed the trajectories of their children’s destinies.This was not easy. It takes great courage and an abiding confidence in the self. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to protect yourself from them, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Seductive Toxic False Self Narcissist

“The origins of the False Self begin with a mother (or father) who is unable to recognize and accept her child’s individuality. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winncott describes how the mother creates a False Self in her child: ‘the mother who is not good enough…repeatedly fails to meet the infant’s gesture (the infant’s unique spontaneity) ; instead she substitutes her own gesture which is to be given sense by the compliance of the infant.’ ” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The mother of the prospective narcissist cannot accept her child as he (she) is. Often feeling inadequate herself, she has a grandiose vision for her child of superiority and mastery over others. This child will become the fulfillment of her deepest wish—sometimes the very reason for her life. Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother called her son her prince and treated him this way from the beginning of his life. He never learned to be empathic or caring, or warm and accepting with other human beings. He was driven by a great talent and changed the face of modern architecture. In his personal life, he was a continuous disaster, causing psychological pain and misery to whomever he married. He managed to abandon six young children, trotting off to Europe for several years with the wife of a client.

The narcissist knows how to psychologically seduce those whom he favors and want to call his own. He (she) thinks of people not as individuals but as possessions over which he has complete control. In the beginning the elaborate false self of the narcissist is into overdrive. Very few can say “no” to him. Most people believe that this is the genuine person and take the very believable bait—They are caught. Those who marry narcissists find out, often too late, that this individual is psychologically toxic to them. When the relationship starts to go sour and the narcissist is in full rage mode, constantly wielding his aggressive projections on to you, many finally realize that this not their fault. They start to research these character traits—complete self absorption, lack of empathy, volcanic rage, ,over-entitlement, exploitation, chronic deceit, pernicious lies—This is a description of the narcissistic personality. They feel that their lives no longer belong to them. Many decide to find a way to reclaim themselves, to separate permanently from the narcissistic toxins. Victims of narcissists take these actions for themselves and their children. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists—Get Wise to Their Acts, Baits and Incessant Cruelties

Covert narcissists are among the most difficult to decipher. The can appear to be shy. They are excellent method actors, pretending to be your best friend. Covert Narcissists are magnanimous. They are always watching to get the inside track on you. Most people don’t notice any of these behaviors until these disguised enemies bare their sharp teeth.

Covert narcissists come on treacly, sugary, dependent, overprotective of you and caring. But you begin to notice here and there they are planting small digs at you. They dig and then come back to be your best friend, your confidante. They play the confidante role to the hilt. This is a big red flag. As you look carefully at the covert narcissist, they display no genuine empathy. If you recall clearly, you now know they wanted something from you from the beginning. They were obsessed with taking your power and putting themselves in your place.

Covert narcissists are incessantly cruel. They lie in the weeds. When you are the most vulnerable they strike with extended claws. Never share how you feel with a covert narcissist—that you are down, having to struggle emotionally or financially. They will find these times to demean and humiliate you. Once they have you where they want you the covert narcissist quickly discards you. They believe they’ve gotten rid of you and annihilated you. This pleases them. They are at the top of the heap; you are at the bottom. You now see them clearly with artifice or mask. They are incapable of genuine feelings or empathy. They are cold. They plot all of the time, using their cunning to stalk their human prey. Covert narcissists are highly competitive. They will fight you to the death psychologically. They are incredible competitors. Don’t let them get the better of you or any part of you. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Assert your own power, mental steadiness and your sense of self entitlement. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers—Hundred Years War Against Their Daughters

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop the battles—even long after their daughters are fully grown. It is psychologically very painful to grow up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Being the small child of a narcissistic mother is a horror. I hear from adult daughters who have survived these childhoods of extreme deprivation and cruel unending abuse. The acrimony, cruelty and combativeness of the narcissistic mother continues throughout the adulthood of these women. Elder narcissistic mothers often carry on this malevolent abuse through narcissistic siblings who have colluded with them. If there is money involved, the narcissistic siblings close ranks against the non-narcissistic daughter. They spew malicious projections on to their victimized sibling(s). Sadly, some of these victimized daughters add to their pain by making overtures to the narcissistic mother. They cannot believe that a mother, their mother, doesn’t love them on any level. Some of them live in a state of shock, wondering what they have done to become the object of such cruelty. These daughters have done nothing wrong. They are dealing with a mother who suffers from a severe personality disorder.

If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, don’t expect her to change. This personality disorder is rigid and fixed. Narcissists believe that they are perfect, superior to others, even their children. Many narcissistic mothers believe that they are good parents. They accuse their daughters of being spoiled and ungrateful. Another tack is to flat out lie and call their own daughter(s) “crazy.” There are narcissistic mothers who spread malicious rumors of mental instability throughout the family and friends about their mentally unstable daughter(s).

For some adult daughters, a time of reckoning and decision comes. The accumulation of too much psychological pain, horrible distress, chronic self-doubt, deep sadness and confusion reaches a crisis point. There are daughters who reach a turning point and finally recognize that there is nothing they can do to change their narcissistic mothers, that they were and are not responsible nor should be blamed for this parent’s delusional thinking and complete lack of empathy. Some of these adult daughters make the decision to sever the “relationship” from their narcissistic mothers. They decide not to have any contact with these individuals.

Many of these daughters do the work of healing themselves. Some of them seek quality psychotherapy. They re-start their lives, recognizing that they are valuable individuals in their own right. They develop a sense of self entitlement. They grow in their renewed strength of their separate identities and the use of their creative gifts. They discover the inner peace they have been yearning for all of their lives. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narc issists are Envious of You—You are Real—Narcissist is Fraudulent

Envy is an emotion that is not discussed openly. People are secretive about their envy—This is a feeling of resentment that an individual has about wanting to possess the qualities of another person or what they control and own. As they puff themselves with circulating narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, social status, professional achievement–the narcissist holds his envy close. After all, he/she is perfect, unsurpassed. Why should he care about you and your petty achievements. Much of this envy is driven by his unconscious feelings of dark emotional emptiness. He has no resources to go inside himself and feel solid, secure and authentic. The narcissist is always competing with others to better them and defeat them. He views those who are perceived as more successful as his enemies. If they won’t capitulate to his will, he will obliterate those who stand in his way. These ruthless endeavors are played out in many divorce procedures where narcissists are involved.

Recognize that the narcissist is a vindictive human being who will not change. These individuals suffer from a severe personality disorder. Remove yourself from relationships with these individualsincluding family members, siblings, parents and spouses. This may mean divorcing a narcissist or separating from them permanently. No matter how many years, effort and time you have taken to improve your relationship with a narcissistic spouse, you are better off not colluding with this level of pathology. Wash you hands of these disturbed people so that you can be free to lead your own life, , expand and deepen your creative gifts and seek and achieve inner peace. To learn about the narcissisic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Conversation With Narcissists—How Superficial Can It Get

I am always blown away by the surface level of conversation with some narcissists. There are others who hold forth on intellectual and business topics and understand and communicate their expertise with great flair. They don’t let you get a word in, of course, because this is a performance, not a conversation.

The narcissistic style II’m speaking about is a running commentary of their lives. I have clocked them at an hour and running and I’m sure they are capable of longer narratives. Every detail of what they own, what they are planning to do with their free time, important people who are their friends, every accolade and award they have ever received—This is the essence of the subject matter. Sitting there you are a living receptacle for their grandiosity.
You have moments when you say to yourself “What the hell am I doing here!” You don’t want to be rude but enough is enough.

Finally, you set yourself free, make a quick polite excuse and leave the scene. The narcissist is incapable of introspection or self analysis. He/she is completely disinterested in you, unless you can give him something of value or he can wrench it from you. If you can keep your distance from a narcissist, do so. If not, it is valuable to be able to identify them quickly. Once you have done this, you view them with a clear mental eye. You experience their essence—-Surface, Surface, Surface! Meanwhile, move on with your life, knowing that you can go deep into yourself, have insight, are capable of empathy—You are an authentic unique human being. I celebrate you. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Psychological Detachment from Your Abusive Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissistic spouses are all abusive in one way or another. They operate in a climate of psychological intimidation. They have different communication styles. Some make constant demands. They expect to get what they want immediately on the spot. If they don’t receive the perfect solution or answer, they start screaming at the top of their lungs. Narcissists have very strong lungs and steel vocal cords. That could be because they have so much practice. Most spouses are very disturbed by these abusive non stop demands. The narcissist is not going to change. This is a severe fixed personality disorder. Some spouses believe that they can compromise with the narcissist. This is not going to happen. Narcissists are completely arbitrary. They must have it their way without exception.

While you are endeavoring to make a decision about staying with a narcissistic spouse or to leave them, learn how to psychologically detach from them. Focus on your own needs and develop a stronger sense of self entitlement. Work with yourself. Learn to calm your body and mind. This can be done with certain practices like gentle hatha yoga and forms of meditation–sitting and walking meditation. Learning to quiet the mind through a regular practice strengthens your capacity to experience yourself as separate from the narcissist. You learn to go deep inside by consistent practice. Consistency is the key. Dedication and discipline work alongside intention to gain all of the benefits of these practices. As the capacity to quiet your mind strengthens and steadies, you will find that you are more in tune with yourself and much less vulnerable to the theatrics and ruses of the narcissistic spouse. These ancient practices are highly applicable today in developing a sense of steadiness and psychological detachment and increase your capacity for mindfulness and clarity of focus. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition