Lost in the Narcissist’s Shadow

Psychological childhood abuse can set up an environment for marrying a narcissistic spouse. In order to survive the child has to normalize the abuse he/she is experiencing. They crawl into a shell, duck for cover and pray that they will live through another day. Some of these children grow up believing that they are unworthy of love and being treated with understanding and empathy. When an individual with kind of background meets a narcissist, he/she is dazzled, almost hypnotized by this extraordinary person who is so confident, magnetic, brilliant, focusing on you like a laser beam. At this point the narcissist has his eye on you because he has a plan how you will fit into his life. Narcissists make plans; they are constantly plotting on how they will control others.

A common pattern is for adult children who have been psychologically abused who meet and are swept away by the narcissist, become emotionally malleable in their hands like a piece of clay. For many who become their victims, they play the role of the narcissist’s shadow. They mirror the narcissist perfectly, constantly providing praise and adulation to enhance his ego, are willing to do anything the narcissist demands. In exchange many of them are treated to a sterling life style, high level social connections and material largesse. In exchange for their individuality, their solid sense of self, use of their creative gifts, freedom to make their own decisions and to think their own thoughts without disruption, they are now lost in the narcissist’s shadow. Many of these spouses never come into the light or psychologically separate from the narcissist. They are trapped in a state of delusion and emotional fusion with their spouse. They are frozen in time. They have stopped their opportunity to grow, expand and become a separate authentic human being.

If you understand the narcissistic personality in detail and study these individuals with care, you will recognize them early and not become entangled with them. If you have to deal with them, you will remain separate from them psychologically, respecting your own boundaries and treating yourself with entitled respect. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Greed-Narcissistic Psychological Emptiness

Narcissistic Greed-Narcissistic Emptiness

Narcissists are extraordinarily greedy. Greed is an extreme desire and pursuit to obtain more than what needs, especially with regard to material wealth. They are never satisfied with what they have and are very competitive with other narcissists. They always must be at the very pinnacle, the top of the mountain, the guy who takes home all of the marbles (even if he steals them from others). In our current narcissistic society narcissistic greed has become very acceptable to many people. In fact there are many individuals who look up to narcissists who continue to acquire more material possessions (that they don’t need and will probably not use). High level narcissists surround themselves with a charmed circle of people who provide him/her with unending narcissistic supplies: praise, adoration, continuous kudos, even worship. These individuals are obsessively loyal to the narcissist as long as they can fuse with his grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and delusional world.

Deep inside the narcissist experiences himself/herself as psychologically empty. These powerful feelings are unconscious to the narcissist. The narcissist projects these vituperative feelings of self loathing on to others, particularly spouses, children and siblings. At the core the narcissist is full of self loathing, living as a false self, unable to be real, to reciprocate feelings of affection or love. Emotionally he is shallow and incapable of creating or sustaining any authentic human relationships. Raise as a false grandiose self, the narcissist is an empty shell, surrounded by an outer shell that is fraudulent, shallow and disingenuous. The narcissistic emptiness in many ways drives the narcissist’s obsessive greed. Unconsciously feeling emotionally empty and unworthwhile, the narcissist is psychologically hungry for the narcissistic supplies that he voraciously needs. This includes finding and even possessing individuals who will adore and mirror him perfectly. Narcissists do not change. This is a very fixed personality disorder. Narcissistic greed will persist as long as the current society continues to reward pathological narcissism as it so handsomely does in our current societal climate.

Those who are not narcissists have access to gifts that are much more valuable: the capacity to give and receive love, deep empathy and implementation of ways to help others, a sense of deep inner peace, an authentic sense of self that is solid, steady and rich with integrity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Cruel Custody Battles

Narcissists discard other human beings when they have squeezed out and stolen their energy, stamina, creative gifts and sense of self. They are incapable of real relationships. The narcissist writes the script and directs the roles that those within his inner circle will play, including spouses, children and other family members.
One of the most painful aspects of divorcing a narcissist is when he or she decides to fights for custody of his children. Some of the most heartbreaking cases that I hear concern the victimization of the non-narcissistic spouse and the children of this marriage. In some cases the narcissist decides for spite, image and power plays that he will fight for custody of his children, not because he love them. The purpose of these long hateful battles is to wear down and exhaust the psychological and financial resources of the injured spouse. The courts often play into the hands of the narcissist, especially if this individual has extensive financial resources. I have known of prolonged cases over custody that have taken over a decade to resolve. The narcissist psychologically tortures the ex-spouse by purposely dragging out the process, making outrageous accusations about the mental and psychological fitness of the ex-spouse, cunningly convince judges that he is an honest and dedicated parent who is only looking after the welfare of his children. Protect yourself an d you children by making informed decisions about becoming married to and having children with a narcissist. If you already are divorcing a narcissist, make sure that you have a very astute attorney who understands the ruthless treachery of narcissistic personality disorder. The better you are informed the greater your chances of avoiding a marriage with a narcissist and having children with them. If you already have children with a narcissist and are in the middle of a custody battle, do your homework and learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Children of Narcissists-Exposing their Narcissistic Parents

I hear from adult children of narcissists. Their stories are painful and long, often overshadowing entire decades of their lives. Children of narcissists carry guilt about not being “good enough” and living up to parental expectations. If your parent is a narcissist there is nothing on earth you can do to please him/her if you are not the chosen one, that special sibling the narcissistic mother or father picks to be the star and icon for the entire family.

At the end of a very long road there are adult children who finally cannot tolerate the verbal abuse, accusations, emotional coldness and all out rejection and pernicious psychological projection and evil revenge—-They must speak the truth. I hear from them and read about it in many blogs. Some have been sent packing, losing everything, including material possessions, opportunities to be secure financially and to be part of a family.

Narcissistic families are not families at all. They are business arrangements negotiated by the narcissist to benefit him/her alone or a favorite of his. The matriarch or patriarch of the family makes all the rules. He or she comes first, even if that is psychologically devastating to other family members. Some narcissistic parents bring in people who are not family members and “adopt” them because they are very attractive, bright, creatively gifted and venerate the narcissist and know just how to play up their egos. In some cases the father or mother will eventually “dump” the other spouse and develop a romantic relationship with this once outsider and marry him or her. You can imagine the horrendous emotional upheaval this kind of irresponsible and callous behavior causes the narcissist’s children. Can you see the wedding party–the young bride who is a decade younger than the narcissist’s children, who was picked to supersede them and in some cases will inherit everything the narcissist owns. I have witnessed these scenes and they are distressing and ignominious.

These atrocious behaviors are occurring more often than most people can imagine. If you are the adult child of a narcissistic parent, learn to identify this fixed personality disorder by study and research. Protect yourself from their venomous projections. You may have to go no contact. This is very difficult for many adult children. You cannot change the narcissist—this is a severe fixed disorder that usually had its beginnings in early childhood. Focus on your own self entitlement–your right to think in freedom, the express your feelings, to appreciate your authenticity, to maintain your physical and psychological health and to continue to grow as a valued individual. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

Narcissists-Not Getting Their Just Desserts

If you are married to a narcissist, the adult child of a narcissist or a sibling, you understand the emotional pain that you experience as a result of the relationship. The narcissist is always watching out for himself alone. He or she may find someone whom they fancy to provide them with much needed ego enhancements. They may have children with this person. That doesn’t mean that this individual will become a permanent fixture on their stage set. Some narcissists choose partners who are wealthy and compliant, willing to go along with their empty promises and the romantic rush they cannot resist. As long as the money is plentiful and they have access to its flow, the narcissist is pleased to maintain what appears to be a close relationship. There is no real commitment here, only a lucrative arrangement that gives him access and control of the finances and social and business connections.

I have been in contact with many who are still suffering from the narcissist’s financial and emotional exploitation. In many instances narcissists have committed fraud, neglected their financial obligations, lied about and concealed their net worth and been sued. Despite all of this, they find ways to wiggle out of and escape justice. The courts move very slowly especially if a person without conscience hires high powered attorneys to use delay tactics, barrages of continuances, endless depositions. If a narcissist has sufficient monetary staying power he can spend years fending off and stonewalling those who who have been harmed and whose lives have been severely disrupted and in some cases, devastated. In the meantime the narcissistic has adroitly found willing pawns who are sucked into his latest vision and are happily writing checks.

The best justice with a narcissist is how you lead your own life. Being psychologically and emotionally free has no price. It is invaluable. Don’t wait for the narcissist to come to the seat of justice and be fairly tried and sentenced. In most cases, this does not happen. I am very sorry about this but it is the reality.

You will start healing. Some days will be rough, remembering everything you have been through, even thinking of the good times and your fantasies of how it could have worked out. First of all, don’t blame yourself. You have been dealing with a severe fixed personality disorder that does not change. You have made a courageous decision to leave this individual and keep him out of your life. If you have minor children with him, you can work to find ways to interact with the ex-spouse so that is supportive of your children and their psychological well being. Skilled psychotherapy can be very helpful in the transition. Support groups are also a source of growing strength and movement toward greater emotional independence. Discover what you love, what animates you. Explore your creativity. Practice healthy routines–good nutrition, regular exercise, meditation, yoga that create balance and steadiness in your life. You are moving ahead. Congratulate yourself. Dynamic life awaits you. Answer its call. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

PsychologicaL Ambush by Covert Narcissist

Many of them go unnoticed at social events. They appear to be self effacing with a low grade ego. Meet the covert narcissist—that individual who is a narcissistic personality disorder without the elaborate persona. The covert narcissist seems to blend in like a chameleon. They fool a lot of people with their practiced pseudo empathy and fake humility. Covert narcissists are low key but watch their moves. They are highly competitive, manipulative, intensely secretive and willing to mow you down to get what and whom they want like their
grandiose cousins. Covert narcissists like to play the role of “ordinary” or “don’t make a fuss about me” or I’m not important; you are.” That’s another one of their ruses. They put themselves at your feet, at your service. Their motive is to win you over and gain your trust. Watch out—you’re about to be ambushed.. You think you have a genuine relationship with one of these individuals. You have confided in them. You trust them. Then you find out that they have spread your personal information like a virus. Covert narcissists are exceedingly envious of those whom they view as rivals. They cunningly whisper rumors about “your past”—spreading downright dirty lies about your character. They often get away with this because they appear to be impeccably innocent and perpetually unsuspected.

Learn to tune into the cues of this type of narcissist. If you sense an effusiveness toward you, be wary. Using your powers of observation and your keen intuition will always lead you to the truth about a person’s intentions toward you. Be ready for the psychological ambush—this is a signature tactic of the covert narcissist. They are friendly, helpful, your biggest cheerleader, etc. You let down your guard and wham–You get the rude inquiries: “How are you doing with your stocks?”"How much money do you have invested in the market?” “Do you have a pension plan?” “I thought you inherited money from your family–Is that true?” “How old are you?” “Do you rent or own your home?” These are only a few of the thousands of questions that fling out of the mouths of covert narcissists. These questions are designed to put you off balance, to humiliate you, to make you feel anxious and unable to think clearly. The bottom line is that the covert narcissist feels superior at your expense. It is difficult not to overreact to outrageous questions and comments that are not only rude and impolite but purposely structured to fracture your composure, leaving you feeling helpless and inadequate.

To protect yourself from the covert narcissist, study every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder. Remember that these individuals are false selves filled with rage, highly manipulative, duplicitous, cunning, psychological stalkers of those whom they sense are vulnerable. Covert narcissists get a thrill out of disturbing your sense of peace. They revel in putting you in an emotional tailspin. They are hardened to their own feelings, incapable of empathy and seek to weaken your sense of self.

You can learn how to deal with covert narcissists by understanding every aspect of their psychopathology. Become keenly aware of their game playing. Learn to detach yourself so that you will not overreact to them. That’s what they’re waiting for you to do. Meditating regularly is one of the many ways that you can still the mind and body. As a result of this practice your concentration is honed, your focus on every detail in the moment is clear and your nervous system is calm despite nasty verbal volleys thrown at you.

You are in charge of yourself and your reactions to others. You don’t owe anyone an answer to his/her question. You are no one’s possession. You are a unique human being who will never be replicated. Knowing this and renewing your promise to be faithful to your true nature, keep peace and stillness inside of you. They are your touchstones. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Follow Your Vision-Not Your Narcissistic Parent

Some children know from the time that they are very young that their mother and/or and father does not have their best interests at heart. They have a prevailing feeling of dread, not being wanted, hypervigilence, fear, chronic distress, worthlessness, emptiness, always wishing and needing what never comes to them, a longing deep in the heart for someone who will hold them close, look in their eyes and say “I love you.”

The narcissistic parent use his/her children like commodities that are valuable or worthless to him/her. If you are the chosen one, the parent fixates on you obsessively—telling you about your specialness, your superiority, your intelligence saying:”You are better than all the rest, even my other children. Don’t tell them; that is between the two of us.” “I have always dreamed to have a child like you. You are going to be a powerful person who will succeed to the very top. You are brilliant and talented. I will always be here for you every step of the way.” This is the narcissist’s parent dream and vision of her child. She has put herself in the place of a god who will determine exactly how this special child will fulfill all of her needs, fantasies and high ambitions. All of her energy goes into making this happen. She neglects and abuses her other children. Her husband is a fixture, a non-person. Instead of growing in a natural direction that is real and authentic, this “privileged” child is being molded in every way to meet the narcissistic parent’s expectations. The parent lives through this child and in some cases has no other life of her own.

If you are not the chosen child you have had a very difficult time under the power of the narcissistic parent who is a tyrant. You are neglected, abused , dismissed, treated as unworthy. You are constantly found wanting in comparison to the perfect chosen child. You always come up short regardless of your many accomplishments, talents. Your empathy and humanity and compassion are considered weak and insignificant by the narcissistic parent. Victory—winning—vanquishing others, outwitting competitors–these are the traits that are revered in the narcissistic family. Forget conscience; it gets in the way of being first at the finish line. Caring deeply about others is an impediment, a waste of time and energy. These are the cold, cynical messages of the narcissistic household.

Some children who are discarded by their narcissistic parent, despite all of the obstacles and abuse, keep the flame of their individuality alive and their vision clear. They have a fierce persistence deep within them that says: “I am not my parent. I am different. I will not give in; I will not give up. I will keep going.” Your creative vision develops with you from the time of your birth. It begins with your uniqueness as individual—–mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. As you acknowledge this to yourself and manifest it in the way you lead your life, your vision will grow, deepen, become richer. Your vision is singular to you and at the same time it is universal. Share your vision with the world. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email
: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-Psychological and Emotional Batterers

The sociopathic narcissist is predictably unpredictable. If you become engaged closely with this person you are in for a wild ride. This personality disorder uses all of his/her power to take over your life. He is the master of manipulation. Once you are under his/her control it is difficult to use your free will and make your own decisions. The sociopathic narcissist moves back and forth between a dynamic magnetism and a dark volcanic rage, intimidation and threats. Just when you think you’re having a lovely conversation with Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde creeps out of the shadows. He are startled by his presence, waiting for a show to drop or be thrown. These shifts remind me of the genius of Alfred Hitchcock films. He builds you to maximum suspense and terror. You’re hiding behind your eyes, your nerves are stretched, your gut is roiling. When you think the shower curtain will open, the body will fall, the birds will rip flesh to a bloody pulp, the master of suspense waits just long enough for you to let down——and then he pounces. Left off guard, you scream—that’s exactly what Hitchcock has programmed you to do. It’s one thing to have this as a movie experience on a Saturday night and another to be victimized by the Jekyll/Hyde treatment every day of your life. Sociopathic narcissists are psychological and emotional batterers. They have neither conscience nor mercy. You are either their puppet or they will find a way to disown, discard or even destroy you. Protect yourself by learning everything you can about their true nature and taking the steps to protect yourself.

First wake up and stay awake—this individual is a severe personality disorder who is not going to change—ever!!! As charming, pseudo empathic and convincing as they are, watch for their slimy underside—the shadow of an individual who purposely causes financial, emotional, psychological and even physical/health issues to others—especially spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings. Use your powers of intuition and keen observation to recognize the sociopathic narcissist before you become ensnared by one. Walk right past the charm and empty promises, the irresistible persona, the dynamic vibration. If it looks too good to be true, it is. You will be getting constant cues about the true nature of this individual. Stay grounded within yourself. Maintain your personal power and honor your psychological boundaries. Pay attention to subliminal messages that are coming from the sociopathic narcissist. Steep yourself in solid information about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

High Level Sociopaths in Positions of Power-Are You Married to One

There is a personality disorder spectrum from pathological narcissism to sociopathy. The kind of sociopath I speak of doesn’t personally attack another person with mortal physical force. From his point of view that would be absurd, ineffective and put him in prison. The high level sociopath destroys people slowly with pseudo empathy and feigned kindness. That is the demonic genius of the high level sociopath. He takes you into his confidence. Some people fall in love with these individuals and no matter what harm they have caused, continue to live with and defend them.

The high level sociopath is exceedingly narcissistic–self absorbed, exhibiting convincing pseudo empathy, personally magnetic, often very bright, cunning, cleverly exploitive. They wouldn’t be careless and impulsive to blow their elaborate persona of perfection, superiority or the misperception by others that they are “good people.” The high level sociopath operates to achieve his goals through his masterful control and manipulation of others. The high level sociopath is ultra confident. He has no limits. He is often seen as a business visionary. Some of these psychological predators accomplish a great deal in the world, building empires and fiefdoms that amass large fortunes. This is the public face and imprint that these high level sociopaths send to the world—their global image. This is a small fragment of their true nature. In private the high level sociopath operates in a different mode. He/she is cold, distant, enraged, hyper-perfectionistic and hyper-critical, autocratic and without mercy.

These individuals are the ultimate nightmare as parents. They are incapable of playing this role. Their children are used like chess pieces in a high stakes game. They don’t give a damn about how their small child is responding to them as long as the parent is in complete control of them. Some of these sociopaths discard and ignore their children, sending them off to full time nannies, boarding schools and military schools as early as possible. They want nothing to do with children other than using them to build up their image of a great father. In some cases these sociopaths choose a favored child that is groomed to become a part of his echo of perfection and power—this child becomes a strong source of narcissistic supply. The sociopath has huge bragging rights about the high achieving child he has created. Children who are not chosen for these special roles are thrown away, psychologically imprisoned, treated with extreme cruelty. If his children are not performing at the level he insists, some sociopathic parents abandon the entire family and re-constitute themselves with a new adoring spouse who has no clue about this form of psychopathology.

I am in communication with a number of individuals who unwittingly married high level sociopaths. They often have no clue that they are married to a person who is bent on destroying others in order to make it to the top.
The heady lifestyle that the high level sociopath provides for his puppet spouse is irresistible. Feeling financially secure, having anything at your fingertips that you desire, being seen as important and special—-all of these narcissistic supplies shared by the non-narcissistic spouse are very difficult to give up. Many spouses stay with the high level sociopath indefinitely despite the heavy toll that this partnership takes on them. Throwing in one’s fate with one of these vipers stunts your creativity, your capacity to become separate, to expand, deepen and grow psychologically and spiritually.

These sociopaths are all consuming. They suck out the creative and emotional oxygen from your life. You never have respite or peace. Sociopaths do whatever they want without any sense of consequences to the welfare of others. Everything is about their march to the pinnacle of power, the need to vanquish their many enemies, to morally compromise their close associates to bend to their will. Those who defy them are endangered psychologically and emotionally. These sociopaths are vengeful and never forget who has transgressed against their iron will.

If you are married to a high level sociopath, it is advisable that you sever this relationship—especially to protect your children. The sooner you make this move, the better. This person is not going to change—ever!
Apply your intuition, listen to your internal voices and act in your best psychological, emotional and spiritual interests. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No One Can Destroy You Psychologically II

If you survived your childhood—and that is a very tall order for many abused, neglected and deprived children— no one can psychologically harm you.It usually takes most of us a number of painful experiences to come to this realization. After all what we had to do to remain alive emotionally and psychologically meant that we had to become invisible, pretend who we weren’t, cower in a corner and hope that we would not be hit, hide from our parents at friends’ houses, disappear into libraries to escape the horrors of home and fill our minds with useful intellectual information. Libraries become a place of refuge for many children. In books we enter a world of enchantment where we can be transported to other worlds and away from the constant psychological pain of our dysfunctional families.

Those who have suffered abuse and neglect often choose as partners, individuals who will continue these kinds of behaviors. We are drawn back to what was familiar to us,even though it made our lives intolerable. Many children learn very early that they are unworthy of kindness or empathy. They become inured to cruelty and neglect. As they grow up they unconsciously expect this kind of treatment from others, including prospective partners.

At some point victims of emotional and psychological abuse wake up. Maybe the last time of being humiliated and shamed and even struck in the face by a spouse or partner was the last straw. They say to themselves: “I will not take this kind of treatment ever again.” This time they mean it and begin their journey toward healing and wholeness. No one can harm or destroy you psychologically. Learn to appreciate that you are a valuable unique human being who deserves respect and the reciprocation of love and appreciation. Send this message to others who are still suffering and trapped in this old cycle of abuse. Your life has begun anew—Keep your light shining day and night. You deserve to live with a spacious calm mind, the reciprocation of love and friendship and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com