Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Time to Say Goodbye

There are excruciating choices some women have to make. Stay married to a husband who is psychologically fused with his narcissistic mother or make the decision to sever the marriage because you can no longer tolerate the severe narcissistic abuse projected on to you.

This woman is not going to change. She is the vaunted Matriarch of the family. She runs everyone: her husband, children, siblings and any one else that crosses her path. Her son (your husband) loves and hates his mother but he is psychologically locked in to her. He has never been able to separate himself from her clutches. You married him because of your love for him. You saw a long future of sharing your life with him. Then the nightmare started full force. His narcissistic mother revealed herself in full ugly vengefulness. She gossiped about you to all the relatives, made up secrets about you and your family, telling all who would listen that you came from people who were dishonest and low class, who may have committed crimes. This vicious gossip and flat out lines was very convincing to her coterie of family followers. They believed her.

You recognized that your husband was in fact intimidated like a young boy about hurting his mother’s feelings who could turn the tears on and off like a well oiled tap. What an actress—She needed to take to the stage.

But this is real life for you every day, a miserable impossible situation with this woman and a man who remains a small boy in her presence. It is up to you to decide if you will remain in this very difficult role of villainess.

There are many life stories of women subjected to this level of narcissistic abuse that recognize that their husbands are so fused with their mothers that this Gordian knot cannot be untied. It is time to say goodbye. This is not an easy parting, but wrenching, especially if you have children. Many women have taken this hard pathway to their freedom from the narcissistic mother-in-law. But the rewards are great. You have your personal freedom, inner peace and all of your options are open for you to use all of your creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Female Clients-Protect Yourself from Predatory Narcissistic Psychotherapists

When clients come to therapy they are in a vulnerable psychological state. They are suffering from depression, anxiety or a combination of these, insomnia, panic attacks, physically and emotionally abusive relationships, stress headaches, etc. In this blog post I am addressing female clients. When clients enter psychotherapy their defenses are down due to their mental confusion,pure numbness and emotional chaos. This is the time when women are at their most vulnerable and need a therapist they can trust completely. There are many excellent psychotherapists who are highly trained, professionally competent, empathic, ethical, and very skilled in their profession. If you are in need of psychotherapy it is well worth the time and research to find the very best therapist for you.

I am warning female clients about narcissistic male psychotherapists who take advantage of psychologically vulnerable women. These individuals are not therapists; they are predators. I have known of cases and researched many in which the narcissistic therapist initiated sexual relations between himself and the client. These “relationships” are based on manipulation, exploitation, and overpowering the victim. Some female clients who believe they have fallen in love with the therapist, continue these relationships over long periods of time. The result of these unethical liaisons is psychologically devastating to the client. Some client victims become so psychologically fused with the narcissistic psychotherapist that they continue to defend the affair, spinning dreams of having this person become a permanent partner in their lives. Some exploitive narcissists carry on several affairs at once. Why not ! Narcissists haven’t developed a conscience. Their idea of right and wrong is based on whether they will get caught. For some of these tawdry men, the thrill of the sexual chase and embrace and the possibility of exposure only heightens the drama for them and makes life even more exciting. It also demonstrates their delusional grandiosity and no limits vision of reality.

Some of the narcissist’s victims require psychiatric hospitalization as a result of the aftermath of their pathological union with a professional whom they trusted. The violation of these victims causes severe psychological regressions that may take many years to unravel and work through. Some victims destroy their marriages and end up causing emotional chaos and suffering to their children.

In some instances the victim of the narcissistic therapist reports this abuse to the professional authorities and the perpetrator is severely reprimanded and professional licenses are revoked (as they should be) . This is a difficult but necessary step in exposing this unethical and in some cases unlawful behavior.

Protect yourself from predatory male narcissistic therapists. Pay attention to your instincts and your intuition. Get excellent referrals from other professionals whom you have known for some time and have a great track record. Take your time. Do your research and always listen to that inner voice that informs you what is in your highest good. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email
: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Project Self Loathing on to Spouses

From the classic descriptions of narcissists you would think that they are in love with themselves. They are supremely self entitled, self absorbed, grandiose, greedy and seek praise and adulation from those who act as their servants. Their self image is uppermost in their minds. Many of them appear to be externally impeccable. Those who are uninformed believe that the narcissist is an extraordinary human being. This is especially the case if the narcissist is a high achiever in business, entertainment, professional sports, politics, etc.

The truth deep down is that the narcissist unconsciously loathes himself or herself. The narcissist is unaware of these feelings of self hatred and psychological emptiness. Rather he projects these noxious overpowering feelings and beliefs as primitive projections on those closest to him, his spouse. Those wed to the narcissist or partnered with him get the brunt of his unrestricted volcanic rage, accusations, humiliations, verbal assaults. In this way the narcissist gets rid of the excess of psychological poison in him and ejects it on to someone else. (and never holds himself accountable for the severe pain this causes). Often those married to narcissists put up with the abuse, thinking that they deserve to be treated with such menace and disdain. Spouses make excuses for their mates “Oh, he’s under so much stress, he slipped and got out of control—It won’t happen again.” They tell themselves and even believe that the narcissist will change. This is not the case. Narcissistic personality disorder is a fixed character structure that is very unlikely to change. The projections of self hatred in the form of noxious abuse will continue. The narcissist is not in touch with the unconscious facets of himself/herself. As long as there is a human receptacle available, his self hatred will be spewed in that direction.

If you can’t take the abuse any longer, you can make the decision to detach yourself emotionally from your spouse or to permanently leave the relationship. Think carefully and study in depth about the narcissist’s personality structure and how it operates. Stop blaming yourself. You don’t deserve to live in misery and a constant state of siege. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-More Dangerous than You Think

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population. The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by some parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt by some toward those who make these personal choices.

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned through gossip and shunning.

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen. If you don’t have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don’t make the cut. Large swaths of today’s society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists–those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others “holding the bag” while they abscond with the profits of some else’s labors. Leaving another person’s life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don’t pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Learn to Detach from the Narcissist’s Outrageous Projections

Narcissists are constantly projecting their unconscious psychological venom on to others, especially spouses, children, siblings and other family members. Inside the privacy of the home, those who revere the image that the narcissist presents in the outside world have no inkling just how ugly the narcissist’s personality can be. For those he/she is impressing to obtain narcissistic supplies, this person becomes a source of adulation and veneration.

For those who live with him behind closed doors, the narcissist is a living nightmare. He is constantly demanding, spoiled, insisting on perfection from others. When you do something perfectly he/she finds a flaw and starts picking away at you. When narcissist’s don’t get from you what they say they want, they are inclined to scream like two year olds with greatly enhanced volume. They are relentless insisting that they are right, you are wrong and that there is something psychologically and mentally askew with you. You need professional help. The reverse is true—this individual has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change.

If you are staying with the narcissist while you are making a decision about your future, learn how to detach yourself emotionally from these individuals. Developing a meditation practice, yoga practice, learning how to still the mind, takes consistent discipline but it is well worth the effort. When we achieve a level of objectivity about the outrageous behaviors and verbal slings of the narcissist, we are able to distance ourselves from them . We recognize often in the moment that what is happening is that this person is unloading all of his rage and blame on to us. The discipline of learning to own what is ours psychologically ours and what belongs to someone else is invaluable in dealing with the corrosive, volcanic and unpredictable behavior of the narcissist. We see and hear a person who is not more than two years of age, screaming, squirming, red faced and throwing himself/herself about because they must have what the want now. If we can view this from a psychological distance, we grow stronger on every level. For some spouses it is necessary to sever the relationship because of its toxicity to them and their children. Learning how to detach and building a stronger solid sense of self and your own entitlement are key to dealing with this personality disorders. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings-Secret Cruelties-Hair Raising Terrors

The psychological pain that can lead to post traumatic stress suffered by those who grow up with narcissistic siblings is often overlooked. No one will talk about it. If the mother is a narcissist and raising a golden boy or girl or one of each her focus is on the molding a perfect clone of herself. This child is a living gift to the parent(s) and the world. Day by day golden children are never corrected for their misdeeds, lack of conscience or physical and verbal abuse. “Mother always made excuses for my sister, no matter how mean she was to me and the other children.” “There were so many scary ways my sister threatened me. She used to lock me in the closet when mom wasn’t home—sometimes for hours because I refused to respond to one of her demands.” “My older sister knew I was petrified of the dark. At night she turned off all the lights in my room and would come in and make animal noises and taunt me. She knelt beside my bed and whispered in my ear: “if you make a sound I’ll come back in the middle of the night and scare you to death.” This imposition of terror by the narcissistic child is not uncommon in these families. The narcissistic parent either ignores or writes off the non-narcissistic children. They are treated like inanimate objects or the continuous target of verbal abuse, humiliations, false acquisitions, name calling and shaming. The narcissistic mother may even join forces and lead the cruel bombardments and threats. This behavior is highly sadistic and many victims of narcissistic sibling abuse suffer from psychological trauma years after these cruelties are perpetrated. The more chronic and violent the verbal and physical abuse is the greater the chance of the scapegoated child for development of post traumatic stress. Very young defenseless children are more inclined to be severely traumatized by persistent sibling bullying. These terrors are perpetrated in secrecy which makes their aftereffects long lasting and deeply etched on the growing psyche.

Those who are recovering from the cruelties and personal transgressions of narcissistic siblings, often learn that they must sever their relationship with these toxic individuals. In many cases this means ending contact with the narcissistic parent as well. Some victims work with and heal their psychological wounds in psychotherapy. Others process their traumas through a combination of modalities: meditation, yoga, journaling, prayer, support groups. Never underestimate the emotional and psychological damage a narcissistic sibling can perpetrate upon his/her brother or sister. Know that you can heal by learning about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder and recognizing that you are a valuable separate human being who has unique gifts, talents and intrinsic value just the way you are. Visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Psychological Devastation One Narcissist Can Wreak

Narcissists cause multiple psychological train wrecks in the lives of others, particularly family members—spouses, ex-spouses, children, in-laws.Always on the hunt for narcissistic supplies which includes a feverish search for people they can exploit, the narcissist can deleteriously affect a wide swath of people including close family members, business and social circles. Exploitative, duplicitous, at times treacherous, highly manipulative, dangerously secretive, the narcissist never stops his hunt for the ultimate narcissistic supplies: praise, adulation, social status, wealth, business connections, spouses and partners that will enhance his/her image of perfection.

I have seen families decimated in the aftermath of the narcissist’s vicious, repeated dark deeds. Having neither shame nor conscience, a narcissist, particularly a sociopathic narcissist thinks absolutely nothing of leaving an ex-spouse and his children with no financial support or security while he or she moves on with a new fresh partner to marry again and begin a new family. Narcissists don’t stop. Just when you think that they have mellowed, changed or slowed down, they will surprise you with finding another way to obstruct your life. If you share custody with a narcissistic ex you understand how exhausting, anxiety provoking and exasperating, these individuals can be. They want everything for themselves. If they have to deplete psychologically, emotionally, mentally and physically in the the meantime, that is your problem. You are taking life too seriously. Narcissists will never take responsibility ever for the damage that they do. Never wait for an apology or reparations from them. They view themselves as perfect–You have the problem.

Become highly informed about the narcissistic personality. This is a powerful offensive to bring into your life. Today we are surrounded by narcissists. Much of society give them a wink and a nod. Often they are praised and emulated. It is time to become knowledgeable and assertive. You will become a master of this subject and narcissists will be quickly identified, dealt with and out of your life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Protect Your Psychological Boundaries from the Narcissist

Narcissists have no respect for the needs, suffering and wishes of others. They are disinterested in other people—fascinated by every thing “me.” When they appear to be intrigued with an individual it is because they have decided that this person can do something for them. A handsome man or beautiful woman can enhance the narcissist’s image.For the narcissist, image is reality. If this chosen person is attracted strongly to the narcissist, all the better. The narcissist has found a compliant living narcissistic supply who will help to keep his ego inflated.

Children learn very early to develop personal psychological boundaries from their parents. Psychological boundaries are essential to our solid sense of self and to the integrity of the individual. Each person is entitled to be treated with respect for his feelings, thoughts and privacy. The narcissist doesn’t grow up with a sense of boundaries particularly if he or she is a golden child, the chosen one in the family who is believed to be so special that he/she doesn’t have to live by any rules. The parent(s) allow this child to have free reign in the household. There are neither rules nor limits. The golden child is permitted to be rude, cruel and intimidating to his/her siblings. From the parent’s point of you, he can do no wrong–this child viewed as perfect and impeccable, untouched by any rules. As a result these individuals are often cruel and ruthless even with parents and other adults. The parent of this child constantly makes excuses for this inappropriate out of control behavior. The parent believes that this child is the perfect replica of what he (the parent) has always wanted to be—a perfect human being.

Most spouses of narcissists have difficulty drawing clear lines of differentiation between their requirements for self respect and privacy because the narcissist is so convincing and intimidating.

You can learn to command respect from others who try to invade your personal space. First, you need to be convinced that you are worthy and have unique value and deserve to be treated with deference. Knowing and believing this about yourself, you will feel more detached from the narcissist who attempts to override your psychological boundaries. Narcissists often ask very rude and insensitive questions—You are not compelled to answer any question at any time. Don’t be thrown by the narcissist’s convincing or aggressive manner or the pressure of those inside his golden circle who try to force you to respond to an inappropriate question or demand.

Learn how to ground yourself psychologically through practices of stilling the mind through meditation, visualization or other modalities that quiet and clarify the mind. With this practice comes a valuable kind of emotional detachment combined with an ability to immediately see through what the narcissist is trying to achieve—invade your private psychological space. The narcissist believes that he/she can achieve ultimate control over you. When you know yourself intimately and are able to separate yourself from the narcissist’s many clever ruses, you will see through him very clearly.

When the narcissist knows that he cannot shake you up, react to his lies and innuendos and that you are detached, separate and individuated, the narcissist will walk away from you to find another prospective partner, devotee, acolyte or psychological slave whom he/she can use. Maintaining psychological boundaries and deciding with whom to share our deepest selves is a sacred right as human beings. We never have to give any part of ourselves away to another human being. We are born in integrity and grow with reciprocal respect, honoring ourselves and others who deserve our trust. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are Evolving—The Narcissist is Regressing

The narcissist with his/her elaborate image of smooth self confidence, excessive self entitlement and an ability to manipulate others to bend to his will, appears to moving ahead in life at full speed. Continually in restless movement, making one business deal after another, influencing social and professional associates to invest in his projects, having a list of followers who admire and praise him, one would think that he/she is progressing at warp speed. If we judge the narcissist by his level of activity, it appears that he is always accelerating toward greater success.

Inside the narcissist’s psyche, this individual is a false deluded self. The real self of the narcissist is regressed back to early childhood. When we observe the narcissist at very close range, we are aware of this profound regression.This is evident from their attitudes and behaviors. The narcissistic rage that pours forth from them, the lack of psychological boundaries that overstep respect for others, the ruthlessness to obtain what he wants and must have at great price to others, the complete lack of empathy, the constant acts of deception, the lack of conscience—all of these traits tell us about the narcissist’s true nature. The narcissistic personality is a fixed personality disorder that is most unlikely to changed. At their core they are incapable in getting in touch with their authentic selves and therefore of evolving and moving toward psychological growth.

Those who have been involved with the narcissist—as children of a narcissistic parent, siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters, married to and divorced by narcissistic spouses—have experienced a horrendous long ordeal at the mercy of the narcissist’s psychopathology. As you move each day to heal yourself, you are freed to grow and thrive in every aspect of your being: psychologically, mentally, physically and spiritually (in the way you define this concept) You have fought to maintain an authentic sense of self. The path ahead without the narcissist is welcoming you to now move forward with your life with renewed purpose, the flowering of your unique gifts, the freeing of your emotional expression, a sense of mental spaciousness and inner quietness. You are growing, moving forward every moment. Your horizons are expanded and open to every possibility. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When the Narcissist Reveals Who He/She Is

People have many ways of communicating with us. We listen to their words and think that is the message. A friend of mine always says: “Listen to the music behind the words.” This is excellent advice, especially with regard to the narcissist. Narcissists are often very persuasive and articulate. They have the talent to sell anyone anything—-even when it is worthless and harmful to you. Watch the narcissist’s nonverbals. The gestures, body posture, eye messages give the narcissist away if we are skilled observers. Notice repetitious patterns of behavior that are insensitive at best and cruel, ruthless and destructive at worst. Narcissists stop for no one. They are always moving forward, running through barriers of conscience and humaneness to reach their goals. This is all that matters to them. They treat people like objects that can be seduced for their ego enhancing purposes, used to create valuable social and business connections if you have them, sell you out financially if that benefits them, or throw you into the ditch when you have lost your luster for them and are of no further use in providing them with the narcissistic supplies that they need at the moment. Narcissists always find others to replace the role played by you. It was never yours in the first place. Whether it’s six weeks or six years, eventually most narcissists know that there is a time certain when you will become a part of his/her forgotten past. Narcissists do not ruminate about what they have done to cause pain to you. This thought would never occur to them. From their point of view you were fortunate to be in their presence, their special vibration. You benefited from just knowing them. Whatever you contributed to their lives or how you sacrificed yours is of no consequence to them.

Narcissists telegraph their intentions. In the beginning we are swooped up, mesmerized by a euphoria of the promise of lifelong fulfilled dreams and excitement. To think that this irresistible man or woman is becoming part of our lives and that we have been chosen by him/her is intoxicating. We have drunk the sweet nectar from the cup of delusion. Narcissists live in an unreal world of delusion. They believe that they truly are superior to everyone else–brighter, more clever, talented, entitled. Narcissists pull you into their lives to fulfill a specific goal. They know just when to move your strings, tap into your emotional vulnerabilities, inflate your ego and become so entranced with them that there is nothing you can say but “yes.”

To protect yourself from the narcissist’s duplicitous games and cunning traps, become highly skilled at identifying this personality disorder. It is worth your time and effort to study the narcissistic personality in every detail possible. At the same time, get to know yourself better. Locate the psychological triggers that lead you into relationships with these emotional vampires—Are you a pleaser? Are you afraid to say “no” to someone because they will be disappointed in you? Are you in a pattern of letting others dictate the narrative of your life? Strengthen and reinforce your authentic solid self by becoming psychologically more independent and trusting your intuition and wisdom to know the truth about another individual. Begin a practice of learning to center yourself whether this is a form of meditation, yoga, mindfulness. Develop an appreciation for your own inner wisdom. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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