Some Children of Narcissists are Psychologically More Vulnerable

Dr. Elaine Arons introduced the concept of the highly sensitive person as a result of her extensive clinical research. She tells us that it is vital to understand certain characteristics about these individuals: “Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population.” “It is innate.” “You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.” “You are also more easily overwhelmed.” “You are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel…”

A highly sensitive child of a narcissistic parent is inclined to have a more difficult and traumatic experience. With a parent who is insensitive to the feelings and perceptions of others, who is emotionally distant, incapable of empathy, highly manipulative, living each day in this psychological environment is extremely challenging and painful. Some sensitive children learn to protect themselves from the narcissistic parent through their deep intuitive sense. They learn to keep a safe emotional distance from this parent and some fortunate children discover that there are others in the family environment from whom they can obtain feelings of security and acceptance. Some children wall themselves off emotionally and use their minds to escape into their private worlds of the imagination. There are children who have no where to go—they feel imprisoned by their narcissistic parent. They become the receptacle of the narcissist’s aggressive, cruel projections. From early childhood they take in these criticisms and humiliations and believe that there is fundamentally flawed deep within them. I hear life stories of many of these adult children of narcissistic parents. Their nightmarish tales wrench your heart. Often their suffering is protracted and continues through much of their adulthood. With many adults of narcissistic parents, there comes a time, often during a time of crisis, when these survivors recognize that they separate human beings who are intrinsically good and worthwhile. Most of all, these children realize that they are neither mother nor father but unique individuals. Many are helped toward healing of these specific childhood wounds through quality psychotherapy, meditation and hatha yoga. They step out of the painful identities imposed on them by the narcissistic parent and reclaim their lives. A new cycle of life has begun for them. We celebrate their tremendous victory. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book
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Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marriage from Hell-Narcissistic Man Marries Borderline Personality Woman

Narcissistic men are looking for women who will adore them, provide them with adulation, capitulation of self and total compliance. Narcissists never admit their mistakes but are obsessively finding criticisms and launching humiliation on their borderline personality spouses. The greatest fear of the borderline is psychological abandonment and feelings of annihilation. The borderline personality fuses psychologically with others and has great difficulty maintaining boundaries. The borderline is easy prey or the manipulations and cruel deceptions of the narcissist. The narcissistic man is the opposite of the borderline woman. He is extremely demanding, always gets what he wants, supremely self entitled, superior, has no conscience and doesn’t give how he devastates others emotionally.

Borderline personalities have suffered great trauma in childhood. They have no sense of entitlement, feel worthless and empty and can’t make it on their own. The cruelty perpetrated on them in the marriage to the narcissist mimics and is a repetition of the painful patterns of childhood.

Narcissists know when they will discard their borderline spouse for a new fresh, younger model. The narcissist moves on with no regrets, no stricken conscience, in some cases only a blur of memory that this woman had a role in his life. To learn to protect yourself from the narcissistic personality disorders and assert your own life as unique and valuable, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book
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Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Living with a Narcissist-Have You Had More than Enough

Living with a Narcissist-Have You Had More than Enough

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“Relationships” with narcissists cannot be genuine because of their true nature. A narcissist is a grandiose false self, focused completely on his/her own ego needs—adulation, praise, worldly power, subservience of others to his will. In the early stages the narcissist with his solid gold charm offensive is unstoppable to most. He/she knows exactly how to play people, almost hypnotize them to make them members of his court. He is at your service; you are indispensable; the perfect match. Some narcissists are so clever that they can anticipate your needs, know exactly what you want and get it for you. This is the wooing and seduction phase of the relationship.

Once you are in his possession, the mask starts to crumple and the other side of the narcissist’s personality is revealed. This is a perfectionist, manipulator, deceiver, chronic liar, exploiter of everyone, especially those whom he has chosen as a partner. Many individuals marry narcissists against their own better judgment. They say to themselves: “He is so special and brilliant, so charming; this ugliness is temporary, it will pass with time.” Another rationalization is: “I know he will change and I am the one he can count on to make that transformation.” A self destructive belief: “There must be something the matter with me. He/she is so successful and revered by many people. I need to give him a chance. I’m being too sensitive.”

Eventually the full weight of the psychological devastation perpetrated by the narcissist comes down upon you. He is in constant rages, blaming everything that goes wrong on you. You are incompetent. Some suffering partners take the blame upon themselves, never reflect that it is a pernicious psychological projection on the part of the narcissist. Once volleys of rage have bruised and beaten you down, you begin to wonder if you can take it any more. The ongoing verbal abuse and the absence of the smallest
shred of empathy have wearied and beaten you down. How much more will you take? Is it worth your psychological or physical well being? He much longer will you throw you life away and have it siphoned off by the narcissist’s insatiable ego needs? At some point in this recurrent pain, many decide to leave the narcissist and reclaim their lives. This is a tough challenge, especially if he/she has control of the finances. There is no perfect time to leave the narcissist. One thing you can count on for sure is that this personality disorder is not going to change. In making you calculus close consideration must be made if you have children with this person. Narcissists have devastating psychological effect on their children. They are incapable of parenting and in some cases, their progeny become narcissists.

Making the decision and following through can be very tough but well worth the effort and perseverance.
After the break and you have renewed your psychological equilibrium, you will finally breathe become the author of your life. Good psychotherapy, support groups and communication with trusted friends may all be part of your healing process. Now you observe and follow the new trajectory of your life, the inner peace that you have awaited so long and the renewal of hope and creativity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book
:amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Your Narcissistic Husband-Wife is A Sociopath

A person who incessantly makes efforts to destroy you and those close to you at every turn is a sociopath. Without conscience, flying high on the manic winds of their grandiosity, there is nothing they will not do to eviscerate you psychologically and financially without laying a hand on you. It’s done with sinister cunning— siphoning off your money through legal maneuvers, getting others to perform the dirty work of destroying your reputation, turning your family against you, making binding agreements and breaking them when it is inconvenient for them, finding legal loopholes to jump out of binding contracts, threatening to expose a personal secret and using psychological and financial blackmail to keep their silence, fighting and winning custody of your children not because the sociopath loves them but to cause you unending emotional suffering and reservoirs of guilt and fear about their future. There are as many demonic schemes as the sociopath’s imagination can conjure up. You may think that the person you married is just self absorbed and selfish. Then you identify him as a narcissist—At last you recognize the man/woman you married is an irredeemable sociopath.

Be self protective and wise. He/she is never going to change. He will continue to harm you on every level, disrupt your life and in some cases, destroy your life.

Take the initiative. Focus on what you need and want for your life. Gather individuals around you whom you can trust. Seek psychotherapy if that is best for you at this time. Be keenly aware that your life is taking a different and positive trajectory after extricating yourself from this malicious sociopath. Do not make contact, direct or indirect with this person. (If necessary this can be done through attorneys). Leave no trace of your contact information. Begin to breathe deeply again. You may find that some form of meditation will still your mind and calm your body. Exercise and feel your body responding, becoming more alive. Give love and appreciation to yourself. You have prevailed over a dreadful situation. Now you are expanding inwardly and in the world, celebrating a new life cycle. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book
: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists-Addicted to the Lifestyle

Narcissists are masterful at reading you up close and personal. They know exactly what they have to do to get your undivided attention and to eventually possess you. Narcissists go all out when they are on the hunt for a man or woman who will fulfill their insatiable needs, enhance their public image, remain compliant and discreet regardless of their atrocious behavior. They are always seeking pleasure, enjoyment and escape. Psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg describes the narcissist’s psychological inner (unconscious) state:”…these narcissistic patients’ experience of emptiness is characterized by the addition of strong feelings of boredom and restlessness…patients with narcissistic personality…do not have that capacity for empathizing with human experience…Their social life, which gives them opportunities to obtain confirmation in reality or fantasy of their needs to be admired, and offers them direct instinctual gratifications, may provide them with an immediate sense of meaningfulness, but this is temporary. (When the narcissist cannot obtain these gratifications)…their sense of emptiness, restlessness and boredom take over.”

This is where the spouse comes in. She/he is expected to keep the narcissist feeling splendid about himself at all times. As the spouse becomes an integral part of an upper tier lifestyle (in the case of high level very successful narcissists) it becomes more and more difficult to see through the delusion of constant distraction, material acquisition and incessant pleasure seeking. The spouse has strapped herself in for the ride of a lifetime. How could she possibly give this up. Ugly cracks begin to appear in the elaborate persona of the narcissistic spouse. Temper tantrums and menacing intimidations become more frequent. The spouse is on the receiving end of these ugly interludes.

Many spouses are unaware that they have a choice and can wrest themselves from the narcissist. They can separate themselves and their lives from this. But they are already addicted to the lifestyle that the high level narcissist provides. Who could walk away from this set up. It’s too good, too wildly self indulgent to say “goodbye.” The price the narcissist’s spouse pays is with her life. It no longer belongs to her. Even her thoughts are dictated and run in tandem with the narcissist. Her previous values have faded—she has new ones–they are narcissistic–flitting from one thrilling event to the other, meeting the most important people, traveling incessantly, buying whatever she impulsively wants. (This equally applies to male partners of female narcissists).

There are a few individuals who wake up and realize that they can no longer be a prisoner of their narcissistic spouse. They have listened finally to the steady voice of intuition that has been telling them that this is not a healthy relationship- in fact it is not a relationship. It is an arrangement, the source of narcissistic supply for their highly pathological spouse. Those who take the steps and sever themselves from this pseudo partnership, discover that despite the divorce aftermath, they are freed up on every level. Of great significance is the case of freeing one’s children from the narcissist’s grip. This is a great victory for you and them.

As the western world marches ever faster in sync with the Narcissistic Style, rewarding those who are most egregious and calling them “good people” , take the other road–authenticity, inner peace, creativity, kindness, true individuality—There you will thrive and celebrate all of the blessings of the true self. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-Relentlessly Cruel

In a current society that accepts pathological narcissism as a norm in many circles, you wonder where there is a limit to the cruelties perpetrated on spouses, ex-spouses and family members. There is a continuum in pathological narcissism. Some narcissists are worse than others in the profoundly devastating effect they have on others. Every narcissist is strictly out for himself/herself and there is absolutely no empathy within them. They are all ruthless and self absorbed. But there is a group of these individuals who are committed to devastate the lives of others, especially those close to them: siblings, children, spouses. There are sociopathic narcissists who will not be satisfied until their “enemy” is completed vanquished—emotionally, psychologically, financially. They seek revenge, not for what has been done to them, but what they perceive in a highly deluded way, what has been done to them. Narcissists are never wrong–they are incapable of mistakes because they truly believe that they are perfect. They are capable of persuading even intelligent people that they are the good guy and their victim is the culprit. With the use of a fake charm, dynamism, sexual wiles, they fool most individuals. A sociopathic narcissist will tear you to shreds psychologically until you’ve got their number.

Never underestimate the extremes of the cruelties and treacheries—They don’t care a damn about the damage that they create even on small children or helpless individuals.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder–study hard and understand these individuals like the back of your hand.

If you think they are finished hurting you, think again. The best thing that can happen to some people is to be discarded by a narcissist. This way they are out of your life and you can begin to recover.

Sociopathic narcissists provide us with opportunities to be tough, steady and consistent. We must use all of our mental discipline in dealing with them.

Use your intuition—that quiet voice that always speaks the truth—to guide your words and actions.

Keep yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong (in the way that you understand this concept.)

Know that you will succeed. You survived your childhood. You can prevail now.

Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book
: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists-Leave Before the Violence Begins

Each narcissistic is unique in his or her own way. Despite this, they have fixed characterlogical traits: lack of empathy, ruthlessness, obsessive lying, exploitation of others, chronic deception, delusional grandiosity, self absorption, lack of conscience. The seeds of these personality traits are sown in early childhood. There is a spectrum of narcissism that includes the sociopathic narcissist. These individuals are even more destructive to others, including their own children, spouses, ex-spouses, partners, siblings. They leave no one spared when they decide to make their hostile, ruthless moves. If you are in their way they will use treacherous methods to psychologically and financially trample you like a herd of wildebeests. They are toxic to all human beings, even those within their adoring golden circle. They play dirtier than most people can imagine. I frequently hear from their victims. In some instances the early warning signs is extreme verbal abuse, violent rages and horrific intimidations. Their victims have a difficult time and are ashamed of revealing that there was physical violence involved—a shove here, a slap there, an attempted strangle (where the narcissist says “Oh, I was just playing a game” or “Don’t take this seriously; you know you are the only one for me.” Verbal abuse is a form of violence–that needs to be emphasized. When you have a sociopathic narcissist screaming at the top of his lungs every day, promising to bury you, who calls you a nutcase and poisons all of your friendships, leaving your isolated. Do not wait for the clenched fist, the head slammings against the wall, bloody teeth in your hand, a pillow that stops your breathing.

Watch carefully at the beginning of your acquaintance with a narcissist. He/she will always give themselves away if you pay close attention. When you get that creepy feeling in your gut or the short hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention, you know whom you are dealing with—a violent out of control sociopathic narcissist.

Leave this person now before the violence escalates and your life is endangered and there is no return. You deserve to feel secure, solid, peaceful—free to use all of your creative gifts, to form trusting loving relationships and to fulfill all of your aspirations. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Narcissistic Siblings-Stealing Your Financial and Psychological Inheritance

Narcissists disrupt everyone in their lives, especially those whom they should cherish and protect the most, family members. If they are the vaunted golden child, the savior of the family, the other siblings suffer horribly. In some instances, there are several narcissists. I have often seen a pattern in which a golden boy or golden girl is top dog and another narcissistic sibling is psychologically fused with him/her. The parents give the most praise to the “best in show”—-their crowning achievement—the child who is the most handsome, beautiful, intellectually superior, socially skilled and cleverly ruthless. The less empowered narcissist is like an echo of his glorified brother or sister. Early on you observe tremendous cruelty in these narcissistic families. In some cases there have been generations of narcissists that come down through the family tree although we have not found a narcissistic gene. This is all part of the parental conditioning that takes place over time combined with the current acceptance—almost an expectation on the part of today’s society of Success at any price–even if it destroy other human beings. You see this every day in the news. To the most ruthless, secretive, cunning, treacherous, non-conscienced—goes all of the spoils. They get their wrists ritually slapped once in a while but this is meaningless. The chaos and dissembling of lives that they cause continues.

On a smaller but not less significant or devastating scale, you can follow the destruction wreaked by narcissistic siblings from their toddlerhood to their final days. Most of them are never stopped; they never pay for the psychological and financial crimes they have committed. I have communicated with large numbers of those who have suffered for decades at the mercy of their narcissistic brothers and sisters. If the top dog narcissists wield the financial power to continue to hire attorneys to fight you and undermine you with the threat of counter suits, you have little redress in this arena. You can disengage from the sibling’s pathology by severing the relationship. (This is a relationship in name only; narcissists are incapable of empathy, caring, respect, trust—They are inhumane at the core.)

It is tragic that those so close to us in blood could be so reprehensible, even evil. But this is often the truth. Most people cannot deal with the truth these days. They make excuses for those who are destroying others if the person whom they are defending is powerful in the world, has high level connections and the heft of tremendous wealth. You are worth so much more. You didn’t create the narcissistic family into which you were born. You don’t and never did deserve to be treated with such cruelty from the time of your birth to the present. The die was cast when the parents (often narcissists themselves) created their golden narcissist and continued their adulation, praise, no limits, no boundaries, raising of him. They were never there to protect their other children. They even cheered and spurred on the naked cruelties perpetrated on their other children.

No one can possess you , control you or destroy your life. You are here for many purposes: to separate and individuate out of your family of origin, to use your singular creative gifts, to give and receive love, to help others who are suffering, to grow spiritually in the way that you understand this term. I hear many stories of breaking free from narcissistic siblings. These individuals have rediscovered themselves. They now breathe freely in mental spaciousness, creative endeavors that they could never have imagined in the past and are surrounded by others who seek the truth beyond narcissistic delusion. They have come home to themselves.
Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Lost in the Narcissist’s Shadow

Psychological childhood abuse can set up an environment for marrying a narcissistic spouse. In order to survive the child has to normalize the abuse he/she is experiencing. They crawl into a shell, duck for cover and pray that they will live through another day. Some of these children grow up believing that they are unworthy of love and being treated with understanding and empathy. When an individual with kind of background meets a narcissist, he/she is dazzled, almost hypnotized by this extraordinary person who is so confident, magnetic, brilliant, focusing on you like a laser beam. At this point the narcissist has his eye on you because he has a plan how you will fit into his life. Narcissists make plans; they are constantly plotting on how they will control others.

A common pattern is for adult children who have been psychologically abused who meet and are swept away by the narcissist, become emotionally malleable in their hands like a piece of clay. For many who become their victims, they play the role of the narcissist’s shadow. They mirror the narcissist perfectly, constantly providing praise and adulation to enhance his ego, are willing to do anything the narcissist demands. In exchange many of them are treated to a sterling life style, high level social connections and material largesse. In exchange for their individuality, their solid sense of self, use of their creative gifts, freedom to make their own decisions and to think their own thoughts without disruption, they are now lost in the narcissist’s shadow. Many of these spouses never come into the light or psychologically separate from the narcissist. They are trapped in a state of delusion and emotional fusion with their spouse. They are frozen in time. They have stopped their opportunity to grow, expand and become a separate authentic human being.

If you understand the narcissistic personality in detail and study these individuals with care, you will recognize them early and not become entangled with them. If you have to deal with them, you will remain separate from them psychologically, respecting your own boundaries and treating yourself with entitled respect. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Greed-Narcissistic Psychological Emptiness

Narcissistic Greed-Narcissistic Emptiness

Narcissists are extraordinarily greedy. Greed is an extreme desire and pursuit to obtain more than what needs, especially with regard to material wealth. They are never satisfied with what they have and are very competitive with other narcissists. They always must be at the very pinnacle, the top of the mountain, the guy who takes home all of the marbles (even if he steals them from others). In our current narcissistic society narcissistic greed has become very acceptable to many people. In fact there are many individuals who look up to narcissists who continue to acquire more material possessions (that they don’t need and will probably not use). High level narcissists surround themselves with a charmed circle of people who provide him/her with unending narcissistic supplies: praise, adoration, continuous kudos, even worship. These individuals are obsessively loyal to the narcissist as long as they can fuse with his grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and delusional world.

Deep inside the narcissist experiences himself/herself as psychologically empty. These powerful feelings are unconscious to the narcissist. The narcissist projects these vituperative feelings of self loathing on to others, particularly spouses, children and siblings. At the core the narcissist is full of self loathing, living as a false self, unable to be real, to reciprocate feelings of affection or love. Emotionally he is shallow and incapable of creating or sustaining any authentic human relationships. Raise as a false grandiose self, the narcissist is an empty shell, surrounded by an outer shell that is fraudulent, shallow and disingenuous. The narcissistic emptiness in many ways drives the narcissist’s obsessive greed. Unconsciously feeling emotionally empty and unworthwhile, the narcissist is psychologically hungry for the narcissistic supplies that he voraciously needs. This includes finding and even possessing individuals who will adore and mirror him perfectly. Narcissists do not change. This is a very fixed personality disorder. Narcissistic greed will persist as long as the current society continues to reward pathological narcissism as it so handsomely does in our current societal climate.

Those who are not narcissists have access to gifts that are much more valuable: the capacity to give and receive love, deep empathy and implementation of ways to help others, a sense of deep inner peace, an authentic sense of self that is solid, steady and rich with integrity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com