Category: Narcissistic Personality

There are excruciating choices some women have to make. Stay married to a husband who is psychologically fused with his narcissistic mother or make the decision to sever the marriage because you can no longer tolerate the severe narcissistic abuse projected on to you.

This woman is not going to change. She is the vaunted Matriarch of the family. She runs everyone: her husband, children, siblings and any one else that crosses her path. Her son (your husband) loves and hates his mother but he is psychologically locked in to her. He has never been able to separate himself from her clutches. You married him because of your love for him. You saw a long future of sharing your life with him. Then the nightmare started full force. His narcissistic mother revealed herself in full ugly vengefulness. She gossiped about you to all the relatives, made up secrets about you and your family, telling all who would listen that you came from people who were dishonest and low class, who may have committed crimes. This vicious gossip and flat out lines was very convincing to her coterie of family followers. They believed her.

You recognized that your husband was in fact intimidated like a young boy about hurting his mother’s feelings who could turn the tears on and off like a well oiled tap. What an actress—She needed to take to the stage.

But this is real life for you every day, a miserable impossible situation with this woman and a man who remains a small boy in her presence. It is up to you to decide if you will remain in this very difficult role of villainess.

There are many life stories of women subjected to this level of narcissistic abuse that recognize that their husbands are so fused with their mothers that this Gordian knot cannot be untied. It is time to say goodbye. This is not an easy parting, but wrenching, especially if you have children. Many women have taken this hard pathway to their freedom from the narcissistic mother-in-law. But the rewards are great. You have your personal freedom, inner peace and all of your options are open for you to use all of your creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

In a mysterious way we can expand and deepen the meaning of our lives when we successfully leave the narcissist (spouse, mother, father, narcissistic family), sibling, mother-in-law) . There are many steps involved. It is a painful but highly valuable process and journey. Recognizing that you are married to a narcissist and the frequent recipient of his/her abuse is the beginning of your healing. This is a tough time. There can creep in the temptation to go back to this man or woman who has occupied large portions of your life. You may have even become accustomed to his outrageous demands and criticisms. And if you have been on board for the heightened lifestyle, this decisive move away from him/her is usually difficult. For some spouses they have been waiting for decades to make the break on the end of the high platform ready to dive into the new waters of life. “What a relief! I am free now to be myself.”

There are as many avenues to healing as there are individuals. Some find that high quality psychotherapy is very helpful. Forming a therapeutic alliance with a therapist who is clinically knowledgeable and highly empathic creates a healing bond that many need during this tough time. Become informed by interviewing several therapists. Some of them with all of their education and training are motivated by the business money driven aspects of their practice. Some therapist dabble in their practices and are not completely committed to helping their clients heal. Do your homework. It will serve you well.

Some individuals find that healing modalities like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath and focusing the mind alleviates their stress and accesses the parasympathetic nervous system–the calming aspect of the body/mind. Others discover their budding creativity in the form of writing, painting, gardening and many other pursuits.Listening to music you love, learning how to dance in any form, walking or going to the gym are represent many different ways that you can begin to heal. If you have a friend that you can trust and call upon at any time is a source of strength. You are not alone, remember that. Some turn to meditation in the form that works for them. Short meditations are very effective in calming our errant thoughts. Don’t be judgmental when you meditate. It is all about making the effort.

Be kind to yourself. You have been through a series of ordeals as the daughter, son, sibling, husband, wife of a narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are specific kinds of narcissistic sociopathic women who are groomed from childhood to believe that they are entitled to have or do anything they want. There are no limits placed on them. They don’t develop a conscience. Very early they learn how to cleverly take advantage and manipulate anyone and everyone in their environment to get their limitless needs for veneration, adulation and worship met. These woman are often narcissistic daddy’s girls at the beginning. Daddy is so obsessed with his little daughter that a rift occurs with his wife. A fateful triangle develops and his wife and the daughter’s mother is left out of the picture. It becomes a daddy and me portrait. Daddy and his daughter have an erotic tie although this in infrequently acted out sexually. She has become his psychological mate. Early on this daughter knows that she can get dad to do anything for her—even something very outrageous. When she begins to date she exploits teenage boys and then men through her good looks and sexuality to inflate her enormous ego with mother lodes of narcissistic supplies.

These women get a rush, a sexual one, but more importantly, a power rush when their complicated undulating scheme leading to the seduction of a man has worked perfectly. The sociopathic woman has her target in mind way ahead of time, sometimes for years. She knows exactly what she is going to do to “get this guy, to seduce him, to control him, to destroy him.” Beneath the surface this kind of sociopathic woman hates men. I call her a phallic woman. Although she freely uses her female organs and looks to seduce men, she carries a psychological phallus with her that can defeat any man. On an unconscious level, since childhood, she was forced to become a false self. She was adored for her look, her brightness, the force of her extroverted personality, not for her real self. On an unconscious level she seeks revenge and the taste of it is sweet when she has seduced a powerful man and unraveled his life. Forget that she is married with children. This is a small detail to her; they are part of her external persona, not her identity. They are living puppets who make her look good.

When the seduction is complete and the sociopathic woman has achieved total power over this man, she is high–celebrating her victory. Her man, her possession has been carefully picked for his stature, his power position in the world, monetary worth and high voltage connections. She doesn’t care if the affair is discovered and becomes public. The betrayal of her husband is a small footnote and her children are not a factor. When the liaison is discovered and goes viral, this is the fulfillment of her dreams. She has prevailed. These sociopathic women will do their victory dance, acquire all of the power and money and acclaim possible and then move on to the next man whom they can seduce, exploit and destroy. This dangerous game continues throughout her life. She is a predator and will never abandon this role.

The best way to deal with these sociopathic women is to learn to identify them immediately and to distance ourselves from them. To learn about the narcissistic personality and the narcissistic sociopath, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One of the most difficult roles is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I hear each unique life story from daughters who have endured having a cold, selfish, exploitive and abusive narcissistic mother. This is a non-mother who is incapable of cherishing and providing comfort to her daughter, even when the child was very small. In some cases there are surrogate mothers in the form of grandmothers, older sisters, aunts and even the mothers of friends. But the little girl longs to have the emotional, physical affection and psychological closeness of a real mom. Often the narcissistic mother is envious of her lovely daughter who is beautiful, bright, unique and creative. From the time she is very young, this daughter knows that mother is jealous of her. It is evident in the way she looks at her daughter with envy. Every step of the way she makes it difficult for this daughter to get close to her dad. She has the master gatekeeper. Mother pretends that she wants her husband all to herself. The truth is she doesn’t give a damn about this man. He is an emasculated puppet whom she is using. In some families mother chooses a son to be the golden, very special answer to all of her prayers. He is worshiped from the first. Mother’s eyes light up every time she talks about him. He is never corrected for any mistake or cruelty and is allowed to have the run of the house and the family. Under her breath the daughter calls him “the little beast.” She spends a lot of time staying out of his presence. He always gets her into trouble, constantly telling lies and making her take the blame for his innumerable misdeeds. Mother always believes him.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers feel trapped. Some use their studies as an escape and respite from the emotional maternal deprivation that they suffer and the unwarranted criticisms of the narcissistic mother. Things get worse when the daughter is a teenager and blooms into a lovely young woman. Then the mother daggers come out. Narcissistic mothers become especially cruel when their daughters are admired and paid attention to by boys and young men. As time passes the mother/daughter relationship worsens (It never existed) but the self hatred of the narcissistic mother is primitively projected on to her daughter. The volleys of dreadful remarks, false accusations, humiliations are constantly hitting the abused daughter. Mercifully, many daughters leave home for school or work and at least have the physical distance to keep them away from the narcissistic maternal poison.

It is painful and agonizing for these daughters to realize that they never had a mother. Instead they had a woman who never wanted them, who did all she could to make her feel unloved. As she becomes independent and sets up her own life, these daughters have a decision to make. Are they going to continue this pseudo relationship with the NM for holidays and visits and phone calls and emails that are often accusatory and off the wall snipes at her. NMs don’t change. This is a fixed personality disorder. And mother still believes and always will that she is perfect and her daughter is severely flawed. Some grown daughters manage to maintain a very distant relationship. They make sure they are never alone with mother. That’s when her projections are the most toxic. If she is married she uses her spouse as a buffer. For other daughters of NMs it is impossible. Every time there is any kind of exchange it is ugly and cruel.

Many daughters decide to go No Contact No Visits, Phone Calls, Emails, Texts, Letters, any form of communication. That is how they protect themselves. The difficult work for many of these daughters is in recognizing intellectually and emotionally that they never had a real mother. Some benefit from psychotherapy if it is of a high quality. Others find compassion and deep caring in friendships, partnerships and marriages. Many are freed for the first time in their lives. They are not being judged, rather they can express and feel who they really are. They feel their authenticity, spontaneity and even joy. You deserve to heal from your NM. Your new life is waiting for you. Jump on the boat and take a ride down this glorious river and wait to find even greater beauty, mystery and enchantment around the bend. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic husbands are masters at creating the image of the dutiful spouse. They are very convincing on the subject of loyalty to their spouses. The majority of narcissistic husbands stray all of the time. In fact they have multiple affairs going strong at any given time. Some are one night stands; others are mistresses that go in and out of their lives. There are special women that they can’t resist and keep as a sexual security blanket just in case they need to get through the night of their sexual desires. Normally if a married or taken man experiences a night of sexual desire without their spouse, they might very well look at something similar to this porno cubano or other related adult material that could allow them to satisfy their nightly urges. It is amazing how adept these fellows become at juggling many women. If they travel as a result of their business, the sky is the limit. One or two women a night is not unusual. Some professional men including narcissistic physicians, dentists, corporate leaders have ongoing affairs with their female patients. Sex in the office–no problem. It’s after hours–why worry. There are many narcissistic physicians. Our society rewards them with big money, prestige, even worship. Obviously, there are incredibly fine physicians who are completely ethical and professional. I am not speaking about them.

If you think your narcissistic husband is playing around on you, why would you stay married? These days it is dangerous to your physical health. Think of the cascade of STDs you can contract as a result of having sex with a husband who is having intimate relations with so many different women. If you think you could possibly have contracted a sexually transmitted disease because of your husbands disloyalty you may want to visit somewhere like this Las Vegas STD testing location. When you have sex with this husband, you are having sex with every woman he has shagged. Not a pretty picture. Self care is essential. The next factor is your psychological and emotional health and what is the effect of this kind of marital arrangement on your children. Marriages with narcissistic men don’t work because these men are highly pathological and do not change.

Make a wise decision. Sever the relationship. Consider a formal separation and a divorce. This can be a difficult process. You are entitled to be married to someone who truly loves and protects you. Part of your healing can be facilitated by excellent psychotherapy. Be sure you interview several psychotherapists.

Get support from those you trust and can call upon at any time. There are many healing techniques like gentle yoga, meditation, and creative pursuits that can become an integral part of your healing. Be kind to yourself. Anyone can make the decision to marry a narcissist. They are slippery fellows, difficult to detect. Learn from this life experience and be grateful that you are taking assertive movement toward your personal evolution. Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is your narcissistic golden boy older brother (or younger brother) still controlling your life, your feelings, your decisions? Is he haunting your dreams and your thoughts? Does he hurt your feelings every time you have contact with him? Is he continuing to demean and humiliate you in front of the family? If the answer is Yes to these questions it is time for a reckoning with this narcissist even though he is your DNA brother.

You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding despite what any other person thinks, including narcissistic mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and in-laws. You have tried every avenue to make peace with this brother who has taunted you all of your life. Mother and father picked him as the golden children when he was very little. You were left out in the cold to fend for yourself. In some cases you were protected by a grandparent or aunt who loved you deeply. Some of these children go it alone, keep their own counsel and learn to take care of themselves very early. They are courageous human beings.

A time comes when you feel compelled to make the decision to sever the non-relationship with your narcissistic brother. This action frees you up to lead your own life, unimpaired or burdened by the vicious attacks, niggling, picking, verbal assaults of your narcissistic golden boy brother.

Take time to appreciate who you are and acknowledge your creative gifts, your empathy and your unique capacities. Pool together friends that you can trust and from whom you gather strength and full acceptance and caring.

Now you are ready to say “Au Revoir” . You experience an emotional and psychological freedom that is sweet and life giving. Go off on your pathway, fly with the winds, feel the goodness inside of you and know that you are loved. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The external image of the narcissist is the polar opposite of his/her internal world. On the outside the classic narcissist is frequently physically attractive, highly self confident, overflowing with charm. You feel the strong handshake, the eyes that penetrate your gaze, the rising of the jaw that tells you they are sure of every step. They are in command of their lives, unafraid and sure-footed. They spin phenomenal visions that are fueled by their grandiosity. Many people are fascinated by the narcissist in full bloom, exhibiting all of his persuasive gifts. When you are with a master narcissist you believe that anything is possible and can be accomplished with ease. The narcissistic view of life has no limits. They inspire awe in most people if they are high level narcissists who have mastered control and manipulation of others.

Beneath the glittery, irresistible surface, the inner world of the narcissist is empty, bleak and dark. There is a lifeless quality to the inner narcissist. These individuals are unacquainted with their unconscious feelings about themselves. They have no insight and believe their finely spun delusions. They convince others that they are superior and super human. Their followers are blindly loyal and believe they can do no wrong. Deep in the unconscious the narcissist is drowning in his self loathing and fraudulence. He feels empty and emotionally rudderless.

Pressure, self hatred, psychological lifelessness, unending restlessness and rage build up in the narcissist within the unconscious. The narcissist cannot contain these overpowering feelings so he projects them like bilious vomit on to those in his close environment. This includes his/her spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings and in-laws. When they seethe with volcanic rage, the sounds emitted are bestial. Some of them let loose in public. Others save these ugly, rancorous scenes for private venues.

If you share your life with a narcissist, despite the role that you play, know that this person is never going to change. This is a severe personality disorder that is fixed and rigid. The narcissist lives in a psychological darkness that pulls others down into its depths. His/her demands, hatreds, treacheries, mounting cruelties, crimes of the heart mount as the darkness envelops him. He is unconcerned since the narcissist is out of touch with himself. It is those around him who are devastated by his internal psychological poisons. At the core he is putrid like a corpse that has been lying in the sun, giving off the lingering odor of death and decay. How long will you stay and be disastrously affected by this individual. Are there enough material rewards to cover up the stench of his vile deeds and deceits. Listen and you will hear the voice of your intuition rising, speaking to you in a compelling tone, telling you: “Get out now. Leave. Don’t stay or you will be trapped and lose yourself.”

There are many who have successfully removed themselves from the narcissist’s dark inner world. They have re-discovered themselves as individuals. The cracks of light have lengthened. They are in full light now and traveling a different road. Know that you can leave this dark place, that you don’t belong there.

Like our prehistoric ancestors who carried the miracle of fire from place to place, you have opened the warmth and light that has been waiting to manifest itself. This incandescence cannot be extinguished. Your life has been restored. You are free and open to all that is deep within you. Celebrate, you are re-born. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom

Beginning with the first moments of life the baby begins to bond with his mother. This is essential to his psychological and physical survival. Mother and baby attach in a loving fusion. The good enough mother ( a term introduced by psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott ) spends many months in a state of maternal preoccupation with her baby. The baby that has left the womb must have this constant care, comfort, feeling of safety in order to thrive. Besides nutritional nourishment, the baby internalizes the caress, smell, gentle sounds, soft soothing touch of mother. Through the long nights when the baby’s hunger cries signal the need to be fed the mother leaves her sleep to feed her tiny infant. These sounds are compelling and the good mother knows instinctively to recognize the different cries of her baby. As the months pass, the bond between the two of them strengthens and the baby begins to recognize that mother is a separate person. The baby has begun to internalize mother into his psyche. This is not the case with the narcissistic mother. Many narcissistic mothers leave the delivery room, go home and are in there office’s within two or three weeks. They may even have a surrogate mother feed the baby after the birth and calm him when he is crying. Not all mothers who return to week early in a baby’s life are narcissistic. However, this kind of behavior is not optimum for the baby’s psychological well being.

The most significant deprivations is a complete lack of psychological and emotional bonding that the child experiences with the narcissistic mother. She is cold, unavailable and preoccupied with herself. You ask yourself: Why did she have children? Maybe she accidentally got pregnant and is going through the motions.

Some narcissistic mothers purposely have children they can show off and put on display as narcissistic supplies and living puppets.

Having a narcissistic mother and not being attached to her is a very difficult psychological legacy for the child. In some cases there are substitutes like an aunt, older sister, grandmother or a nanny. This can make all the difference for the child. In some cases the father becomes the mothering figure and that is fortunate. Some children have no one. They are fed, dressed, sent to bed, given breakfast and sent to school in a mechanical manner. The narcissistic mother is critical, cold, disengaged, unaffectionate and basically has nothing to give her child. The focus of life is herself, not her child. Children who grow up under these circumstances often feel empty inside and find it hard to form warm, secure, trusting relationships with others.

There have always been narcissistic mothers; we now are able to recognize them more specifically. However, there is a serious trend in our society today of the grow of more narcissists and narcissistic mothers. These mothers are not scorned ; they are praised for being able to DO IT ALL. No one can do it all. That is impossible and untrue. What looks lovely on the outside can be a complete nightmare to a child on the inside.

There are adult children of narcissistic mothers who find ways to heal from this deep psychological wound. I have been in contact with many of them. They are strong, caring and often very empathic individuals. They have my deepest respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com