You Deserve Recovering Psychologically, Emotionally and Spiritually After the Narcissist

It is the life experiences of my readers and clients that led me to speak directly to their suffering and the process of healing and restoration in my new book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self.  I specifically write to those who have experienced multiple cruelties, deprivations, and humiliation and offer a program to those who live in the aftermath of the narcissistic cataclysm—spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings. Those who live under these horrific conditions  suffer deep pain. They are desperate, confused, suffer from self blame, are exhausted, feel lost and at times  even crazy.

The narcissist took so much of your life—You deserve to get it all back and then some.

For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse in its innumerable cruel forms, know that you deserve to recover in every aspect of your life, to thrive and use your many creative gifts and discover your true self.  Throughout life we are in a process of separating and individuating from our families of origin.  This is your psychological, emotional and spiritual birthright as a precious individual.

Your healing and recovery involve breaking destructive survival patterns.

The survival tactics we develop become ingrained into us.  Like a familiar song that spontaneously reprises in our minds, distinct patterns of thoughts, feelings memories, fantasies and wishes emerge…Most people continue to listen and respond to the old family life song first heard in childhood.”   (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering your True Self)

“The destructive life repetitions that we engage in are innumerable and particular to each individual.  They are found in a repeated cycle of returning to narcissistic individuals who injure us emotionally and psychologically. It is surprising, but often the child that was raised in a narcissistic family with narcissistic parents and siblings returns to this environment that created his greatest suffering by marring a narcissist.” (From Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist:Discovering Your True Self)

Your healing begins with a deep understanding that: There is a center within us that is always seeking the truth about ourselves…Cracking the code of psychological repetition begins with waking up…When we are awake we see things as they are, without delusion. There is no veil, wall or barrier that separates us from what is true.”  (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self).

Full access to your true self occurs with a specific, consistent practice of self care and the full use of your many creative gifts. As you heal in the aftermath of sharing your life with a narcissist, writing is one of the most powerful methods for loosening up, expressing your thoughts and emotions and igniting your imagination. All you have to do is open yourself up to writing..The practice of spontaneous writing is a gift that never wears out, has no restrictions or boundaries, and is always available. (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self) Writing regularly is a significant part of your personal transformation.

Nurturing deep friendships where trust and comfort are part of your life,are an essential part of your healing process. We only need a couple of individuals with whom we can communicate, let down and be completely ourselves. These relationships are pure gold.

Rediscovering your creative self is an essential part of your life journey toward recovery.  Creativity is occurring ever moment we are alive, whether we are awake, asleep or dreaming or in joy, sorrow or doubt..It is a transpersonal experience that redeems us from our life histories, .We jump into the roaring, ecstatic stream, swept up in the current that created the cosmos…(From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

Learning to meditate your way with consistency heals with the gift of inner stillness.  Be patient and kind with yourself in starting a meditation practice. Remember, this is your unique experience that belongs to no one else. Meditation is the key to insight, healing and breaking unproductive and destructive cycles of repetition…With meditation we reach the mind beyond mind, thought beyond thought–the source of knowing. In deep meditation we experience a vibration of peace…Meditation creates a spaciousness of mind. When we are at peace, even for a few moments, we expand and deepen.  (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

Tapping into the healing restorative part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic is a key toward healing and recovering your true self. “All Healing begins by consistently accessing the parasympathetic nervous system. This is a state of letting go as you bathe in physical and psychological security, peace and body and mind grounding. This calm waking state is natural and built into your being. In the parasympathetic you float down a gentle river, letting the waters take you in a direction of their own. You feel receptive to the freedom and ease you’re experiencing. As you consistently visit this state of calm, the healing of psyche, body and mind accumulates and moves forward at a steady pace.” (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

Becoming open to the souls of other individuals is a profound experience of healing and transformation.  Meeting a soul, you attune yourself to that person on a spiritual and psychological level. They feel your empathy In this interchange, the souls meet and healing takes place. (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

You deserve to heal, recover, transform your life, manifest your unique creative gifts, develop psychologically and spiritually to the fullest and to live in the beauty, peace, comfort and strength of the true self.

You can read portions of my new  book and purchase it at

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.









Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They
are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One
narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can
imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have
survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest
tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son
that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has
been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. She pits one child against the other. This highly dysfunctional family is in a state of endless psychological war.

The narcissistic mother ties her psychological twin to herself like an appendage. These children have special privileges, no psychological boundaries, no empathy, no developed conscience. They are sent to the finest schools, showered with praise and adulation, never questioned about their brutal sadistic behavior toward their siblings. Even when “mother”  is a witness to these treacheries, she turns a blind eye. For her, the chosen one is the ultimate narcissistic supply.

The golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children.
Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.
In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who
is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some
children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get
jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic
mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process.

You are entitled to rescue yourself from this psychological gulag.  Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Get in touch with your true self, that part of you that that is authentic, genuine and creative.  You are entitled to lead your life with grace, inner peace, the full use of your creative gifts.


Become Entitled to Healing from Your Narcissistic Mother

Children who are victimized being raised by narcissistic mothers do not develop a healthy sense of self entitlement.  They survive by feeling less than, even worthless and nonentities. It is very sad and at the same time exasperating to watch adults who grew up under family regimes of terror, fight or flight, incessant cruelties and humiliations and exploitation—still be unable to own what is theirs–A healthy entitled solid sense of self.

Narcissistic mothers are over-entitled and take your life over from the time you were born.  You are treated like a servant who is responsible for providing mother with everything that she demands: absolute obedience, constant praise, adulation, even worship. If the child provides mother with everything that she requires, it is not sufficient for her.  You still hear her voice, screaming ugly epithets at you, insulting and humiliating you, telling you how stupid and foolish you are—what a bad human being you have always been, that you were never wanted and a failure. In order to survive the young child must go along with mother’s projections and false beliefs.

There is a raw pit in the stomach of these children that gnaws away at them. They turn themselves upside down, inside out, trying to make mother love them to no avail. Some children never give up. They believe that if they try just a little bit harder, mother will come round and change and accept and love them. This is not the case since mother is a fixed, highly pathological narcissistic personality that will not change. These individuals are cruel, cold, selfish, highly controlling, exploitive and often vicious and sadistic.

For many children of narcissistic mothers there is a time of reckoning when the child, often grown is able to get access to the right information about the true nature of the narcissist. Then, the insight comes through and the victim now knows that this was never her or his fault, that this dreadful abuse occurred as a result of mother’s psychopathology.

After this deep knowing and realization happens, the process of healing and recovery can begin. It is at this time that some child victims become familiar with the intrinsic beauty of their true selves, that part of their deep core that recognizes, often for the first time that they are special, good, bright, talented, lovable and entitled to lead a very good life. There are others along the way who provide support–friends, spiritual figures, various books, teachers, mental health professionals, etc. who remind these precious human beings that they are worthy and can heal. This is the beginning of a new journey, an upward turn in life that promises hope and the fulfillment of the creative gifts of one’s true nature and the possibilities of reciprocal love and inner peace.

Hold on to this new vision of yourself that has been waiting all of your life to be revealed. Pay attention to your intuition and insights that are always leading you toward the direction of healing, transformation and truth. Know that there are so many others who are walking this pathway. You will find them and support one another on this life journey to which you are richly entitled.

Grandiose Narcissists Can’t Stop Talking About Their Perfect Worlds

The classic grandiose narcissist performs at center stage in the spotlight. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) He/she demands your total unblinking attention. I recall a number of these individuals whom I have known personally and professionally. They grab the psychological space in a room. They regal us with stories of their perfect lives.

How often have you been psychologically accosted by a narcissistic personality? They won’t leave you alone. They are filled with stories of their latest triumphs. They talk about their superior family members who are the highest academic and professional achievers. Everyone that provides them with narcissistic supply is extraordinary not because they are fine human beings but because they have gone to the right schools, have obtained superlative grades, have high graduate degrees and multiple offers in professional career positions that will pay them extraordinary salaries. I am not disparaging those who achieve in these ways. I applaud those who succeed in these arenas. They are most often fine people.

The point is that the narcissist must tell these stories in order to make him look better than anyone else. He or she is not only bragging about his own accomplishments but extends them to family members who then become a part of his narcissistic domain of adulation and praise. When I have tried to actually have a conversation with these narcissists it is as if they cannot hear you. They don’t acknowledge anything that you are saying. You might as well not be there. You could nave placed a cardboard cutout of yourself in place and left. There is no genuine interaction with narcissists. They give speeches, make grandiose comments, and won’t stop the mindless chatter.

You want to get away from them. You make the decision to excuse yourself and some of them follow you with their “I have a perfect life” rant. Learn to leave the scene early. It is not worth your time and attempts at listening or trying to be heard to remain in these circumstances. The narcissist is always there for his close-up. For him, you are part of the inanimate stage set.

It is still remarkable to watch narcissists and recognize each time how completely wrapped up in themselves they are. They carry with them load upon load of narcissistic supplies–the praise of others, the accomplishments of family members, the constant name-dropping, comments about their extraordinary professional and personal achievements, etc.

I think about those who are married to one of these individuals and cringe at what they have to hear every single day. It is exhausting. Besides the braggadocio the narcissist is highly critical and demeaning to those closest to him. He picks away at the slightest mistake and manufactures reasons for disdaining you out of whole cloth. These are bald lies that the narcissist twists into his “truth” about you and your innumerable shortcomings and poor character traits. Remember that these cruel pronouncements are psychological projections and have nothing to do with your character or capabilities at all.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you are highly informed. Practice self care. Get the sleep, exercise, nourishment and respite that you need and deserve. Use your creativity gifts and discover others that have been hidden as a result of being involved with the narcissist.

If you are married to a narcissist you may decide that you can no longer live with this person who is always giving speeches to self and throwing you crumbs and volleys of criticisms. Make a plan that works for you. Talk to a few friends whom you trust and are available to listen with empathy. In some cases meeting with an excellent therapist can be helpful. Pay close attention to your intuition. It is always accurate and reveals the truth.

Narcissistic Doctors Intimidate Their Patients

* There are excellent fine ethical physicians who have impeccable characters and are devoted to the health and well being of their patients.

I am talking about narcissistic physicians who have all of the traits of the narcissistic personality: extreme self entitlement, volcanic rage, manipulative, duplicitous, shading of the truth, believing that they are perfect, without any flaws, incapable of empathy and have the wealth and money motive above the welfare of their patients. Doctors are not gods—Greek, Christian, pagan or otherwise.

Quite often in our narcissistic society, these individuals are highly successful. Narcissistic physicians are very charming and often very bright and well educated. Being smart does not mean that a person has a good character or deeply cares about another human being. Some of the most pathological individuals I have met and known have been super “smart.” In this society there is a tendency to believe that those who are very successful are fine human beings. This is not true. On the reverse side, those who don’t succeed materially are considered to be failures and are questioned by some to have deficient characters.

Make sure that you physician is not a narcissistic personality. Does he or she listen intently to you. Do you have a clear sense that he cares about your health and well being?
Does he/she respect your input or do his eyes glaze over and you are corrected dismissively for your ignorance. In some cases with narcissistic physicians when you are alone with them, they will project their psychological venom on to you. I remember a time with a psychiatrist whom I had just met and who was highly recommended to me, telling me that I had a problem with my cognitive process–in other words, within minutes this person was saying that my thought process was deeply flawed. I was shocked at first–then I realized that this was a primitive projection on his part. I responded to him quickly and clearly, telling him that he was projecting and that the interview was over.

Many patients are intimidated to confront a professional in this way. If you are concerned, bring a friend with you to sit in on the preliminary meeting and take a long hard look at this professional. After all you have hired them. They are working for you so that your health on every level will be the best possible.

Narcissists Feel Great–They make Others Feel Miserable

Getting too close to a narcissist, particularly if you marry one or are one of his/her children, can cause you to become ill—psychologically, emotionally or physically. It could take some time but eventually your life will be turned upside down and your stress levels will increase and your life will become more difficult. There are exceptions—those who buy in to the narcissist’s delusions and become true believers. Many of these individuals are narcissistic themselves or hangers on who are too impressed with the narcissist’s power to manipulate and overwhelm people to get what they want. They believe in trickle-down–that some of that over-confidence and extreme self entitlement will rub off on them. Those who live with the narcissist who are on the receiving end of the harshest of treatments. They survive behind the gates of a harsh ruler. They may be leading a decent lifestyle on the surface but there is no comfort, empathy, kindness or understanding from this dictator. Some narcissists buy off their marital partners so that their image is protected. I know of several narcissists who have given their wives “shut up” money after they have been exposed of infidelities. These women go along with this program because they are terrified that if they leave or are shut out they will be living in more reduced circumstances. They have gone down the road with the narcissist too long to pull away now. These spouses pay a very high price for their decision. They are not free to lead their own lives. Their thinking is constrained –they are constantly at the call of the outrageous demands of the narcissistic spouse—day and night. When they comply, it is not good enough. Even if they are very ill, this is no excuse for the narcissist. He demeans them, calls them weak and worthless. Some spouses force themselves, regardless of their emotional, psychological or physical state, to be ever-ready for the phone call, the scream, the threat that will come at any minute. They must be ready at all times to serve this tyrannical person. These ugly scenarios occur all of the time–they just aren’t public. Some women are physically hit by their narcissistic spouses time after time. The feeling of threat throughout the household is palpable at all times. This is a toxic atmosphere for raising children. Their father is a cruel patriarch who is only interested in how perfectly they produce perfect school grades, how well they perform athletically, if they have music talents or dramatic talents that can be exploited as narcissistic supplies to the father. How much is misery worth? Are you willing to exchange your peace of mind and well being and that of your children, for the lifestyle. When will the time come when you have had enough. Will it take getting physically ill to make the decision? Will it involve your child’s stress level becoming so high that he/she can no longer function at school? Are you willing to exchange your identity, inner self, peace of mind, the opportunity to express and be your true self and use all of your creative gifts for the outer trappings of the narcissistic lifestyle. What we know for sure is that these individuals do not change——ever! This is a life sentence for you and you never know when you will be discarded and/or replaced with someone else who is younger, prettier, more compliant, a better puppet. Take a long view of your life. You have much to contribute. You deserve to express your ideas, feelings and to use all of your creative gifts in freedom. Think about the lives of your children. They know that you love them and will protect them. For you, this can be the time of reckoning–changing your life, separating yourself from the narcissist to reclaim you own identity.

Narcissists are Shameful but Shameless

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life’s highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.

Narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union—it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows–“I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice.” This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of “sexual free-lancing” on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children.

In some instances the narcissistic mother or father chooses one child who is a standout–pretty, handsome, very bright, talented–to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual. Draw clear psychological boundaries, especially with narcissistic personalities. Take very good care of yourself. Use your creative gifts. You will find and nourish relationships of genuine caring and trust.

Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and Win

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines. You are rediscovering your real self.



Siblings of Narcissistic Brothers and Sisters–You Deserve to Heal

Growing up in a narcissistic family with siblings with the same personality disorder is beyond challenging. Mother or father narcissist (or both) has seized upon one of your siblings (or more) as the perfect living model of their excellence. From the beginning it is obvious that this child is the One. All of the attention is placed on this child. Narcissistic mother idealizes this living supply and experiences this child as a perfect replica of herself. The blooming narcissist is allowed to psychologically demean, humiliate and harm his/her brothers and sisters.

Mother dismisses her other children as inferior. She makes fun of them, tells them they can’t measure up to the chosen child and that she is too drained to listen or do anything for them. These narcissistic mothers have their priorities. The “imperfect” children are treated as servants in some cases. They do the cleaning, cooking, errands. They even pick up after the golden narcissistic child. One of the most painful incessant patterns is that they are constantly compared with the chosen one as inferior, lazy, dumb, ugly, a behavior problem, untalented, socially backward.

Those who survive this nightmare background need to take time to sort out who they really are. It certainly is not what their narcissistic mother projected on to them. That was coming from her dark unconscious. Some of them find that quality psychotherapy helps them acknowledge and experience their pain with a strong therapeutic alliance. Other forms of healing are learning to quiet the mind, gentle yoga and of course the use of your many creative gifts. Self care is the beginning of this process—getting the sleep that you need and deserve, taking time for yourself to use your creativity in every way that gives you pleasure and peace. You are rediscovering your true nature. This process continues throughout your life.

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. Everyone surrounded by the narcissist’s destructive traits–chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage–is highly aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel.

Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. They will say: “Oh that’s just the way he/she is. Don’t be so tough on him.” “He is so bright and successful. Look at his good points.” This person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he/she wields.

We are at a time right now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven to move ahead as they trample on everyone else. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this highly disturbed person has caused. Become fully aware of the nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. Listen to those who have suffered under its iron boot and merciless treatment.

If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 turn away and sever the relationship. I know this can be difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change. The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. Learn to put self care into your daily life. You are entitled to quality sleep, to exercise in the way that is best for you, to explore your many creative gifts, to listen to guided meditations that appeal to you and to follow your intuition in all things.