Category Archives: divorcing your narcissist

Resist Temptation to Stay Married to Narcissistic Spouse

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The narcissistic personality is well known, especially in today’s society. Narcissists are among the most successful individuals professionally at present. They are continuously rewarded monetarily and given prestige and honor because of their outrageous self confidence, their intellectual and professional gifts, the access to power that they hold and their monetary worth.

Those who are married to narcissists find themselves in a sticky dilemma. They have spent years of misery with this partner who is highly critical, even sadistic, cold, duplicitous, controlling and completely lacks empathy.

Some of those on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse comment that their narcissistic spouses had his/her good moments. You can’t build a daily life on waiting for  your spouse to be in a transient good mood one minute and wiping you off the floor with  his incorrigible rage and meaningless promises that automatically fly out of his mouth.Some many women and men keep thinking that they can change this person. They just have to try harder, come up with a more creative plan, become more understanding and patient, etc. etc. You are not going to change a narcissistic personality. You can change yourself and continue to grow and evolve. Staying with a narcissistic personality makes it more difficult for you to do this because of the psychological and emotional burdens and stresses that come along with marriage to a narcissist.

Pay attention to your own needs. Many spouses are always thinking about their narcissistic partner, blaming themselves for his fits of rage and dreadful criticisms and humiliations.

Make a 180 degree turn in your self perception and become entitled to be treated with the respect to which you are entitled. Learn to take good care of yourself and know that you deserve it. Many spouses of narcissists never learned about self care because as children they were always under siege or not wanted or verbally abused, or running from a enraged fist or open hand, or hiding from the gut wrenching screams of a narcissistic parent who would do them harm. Many partners were traumatized as children and unwanted and never learned that they deserved to be well treated ,  to have down time, to relax and feel content, to be creative and let your imagination fly and float, to be playful and laugh, to sing songs that you make up as you go along, to dance freely, to jump on your bed, to be silly any time of the day or night and a thousand days and nights of lovely moments that you will create with yourself and then find friends who will share this joy with you.

You can make this change. I know so many who have gone down the road of individuation to the beginning of a new life. They tell me about their freedom and the hope that they carry in their hearts and the dreams that they are going to fulfill.  You can sever this dysfunctional toxic relationship with your narcissistic spouse. Pay close attention to your intuition. Gather those you trust around you. Listen to the words and music of your true self calling you to enter this new life pathway.

Linda Martinez-Lewi,, Ph.D.

Dropping the Burden of Image after Divorcing Narcissistic Husband

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After you have divorced your narcissistic spouse and not discounting all the psychological, mental and financial hell you have endured, you are free to drop the image that he imposed on you, down a bottomless well, watch it go up in smoke, wave it an eternal goodbye, say the hell with it, yell with abandon–that was not me!

Narcissists wear their image like the skin on their bodies, the hair on their head, in their innards, especially their cold, reluctant hearts. They forced you to keep a perfect appearance and watched every hair on your head to make sure it was tilting in the just the right direction even when breezes blew. Some spouses say that they were forced to be made over by the narcissistic spouse. Under duress they went through all sorts of aesthetic procedures to make themselves look more perfect. Women who think they have a free will become enveloped under the power and force of the personality of the narcissist. They don’t know their own minds anymore and wonder if they ever did. Some are so enthralled by the life styles they have found with this new union that they are psychologically drunk with the material pleasures that they can now have. If they were raised in a poor or low middle class family this need to have more is part of their definition of “making it.” This of course does not fit all woman. Many of them understand that financial success is not the sine qua non of life. It is essential that we use as many creative and intellectual gifts that we are given and expand and deepen them throughout our lives.

Life is not about coasting along–”Summertime, and the living is easy..” Great lyric but not a blueprint for a mindful life.

When we become only pleasure seekers and avoid pain and the hard work of knowing ourselves, we are going nowhere. We are moving in the worn old tracks of repetition. The outward trappings look different but we are repeating over and over again, going in circles. I have known women even today who have dropped entire careers and found their prince. He adores her and she feels that every wish she drempt of will now come true. He will give anything to her and does. She has landed a very big fish–a prince charming with lots of monetary security and a bulging open wallet and a loyalty to her that will never quit–he needs her that much and she knows it and uses this to the hilt. All she has to do is look pretty, give him plenty of sex and be open to his “brilliant ideas.”  She has bought the entire package. These marriages are arrangements not true relationships. There is nothing deep going on here. No psychological or emotional growth is taking place.

Getting back to unburdening yourself of the narcissistic image demanded in your past marriage. You have defied the narcissist by divorcing him. You are saying: “I won’t live your delusion anymore or play your game.”  “I owe myself my authenticity, my inner and outer voice, the use of all of my gifts and the freedom to express myself as a unique individual.”  After the divorce deluge and the waters have receded, you look around as you heal and put your life back together in your style and way. Maybe this time you long for simplicity–no frills, no fancies, no trips to the moon.–Just you–that wonderful person you were always meant to be–that baby smiling and laughing because he or she exists right now in the world, that compassionate soul with the open heart that warms yourself and others. You are treading lighter on the earth. You feel flexible, supple, more grounded and surer inside yourself. You will learn to treasure your solitude, to embrace your creativity and to find others who are taking a similar path on the best road–the one less traveled.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists–Perfect Weddings–Disastrous Marriages

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Everything about the narcissist is image. For him or her image is reality, a reality based on grandiose delusions and visions of perfection. Observing the wedding plans and how they are impeccably created and executed can tell the tale to follow. It is understandable that couples want their wedding day to be very special and memorable. Here I am talking over the top perfectionism. Nothing is more important than the actual event where the narcissist plays the starring role, standing at the center of his universe, the emperor of his domain.

After the soft focus glow of the honeymoon the gorgeous masks of the narcissistic groom or bride slip and we begin to feel and see who this person we married truly is. There are pricks of criticisms that become more frequent and wounding. The other spouse waves them off, thinking: “Oh, he’s just having a tough time today–no point in making a case out of this” or “I am overreacting to him/her because I know how sensitive I am. He has told me so many times.” or “He is making a big adjustment to our being a married couple now. Give him a break.” These thoughts run through the head of the non-narcissistic spouse–always making excuses for the narcissistic spouse even when his vituperative comments are tearing you apart day after day. Next, the always sharp fangs appear when the narcissist lets go with full throated screaming fits that last long enough to cause your nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. Your adrenaline is pumping so fast that you are shivering, have a thundering headache, roiling intestines, feelings of doom.

Eventually the non-narcissistic spouse is worn down, beaten up emotionally, exhausted, spent and constantly on edge. The narcissist’s tricks and ruses become more frequent; the lies overflow and cannot be counted; the betrayals are ongoing; his hatred of you has congealed; his pathological projections are legion. Each  attack has your name on it.

Finally, you are fed up. You do the research, go to therapy, check your intuitions that have been pounding at you for months and years and Yes—You are married to a narcissistic personality, a person without empathy, emotional intimacy, truth, conscience, a scintilla of compassion for another human being. You make your move to sever the non-relationship from this highly pathological individual. You will rescue yourself from this disastrous marriage. As you make the effort and do the hard work, the original self in you is celebrating—Freedom!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Learning to Trust After the Narcissist

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Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, introduced what he called the Eight Ages of Man. The beginning phase he named Trust versus Mistrust. This stage takes place during the first year of life. How the child perceives himself inside as either secure and trusting of himself and his environment depends greatly on the maternal relationship. The mother communicates to her child through her attachment to him, her own trustworthiness and steadiness. As the result the baby internalizes these feelings of safety, security and of  being cherished deep inside himself. This internalization “forms the basis in the child for a sense of identity.”

So many children as a result of poor or non-mothering develop a sense of mistrust from the beginning. The mothering figure was unreliable, emotionally unsteady, psychologically cold and distant, incapable of  being affectionate and emotionally intimate with her baby and young child. This is a description of the narcissistic mother. Quite often those who have been through the ordeals of growing up with a narcissistic mother are attracted to men and women who are narcissists. They are returning to a  pattern of psychological abuse, deprivation, unsteadiness, fight or flight mode, becoming again the recipient of cruel projections that are injurious to mind, psyche and body. This is what is familiar to the child who grew up with a narcissistic parent or within a narcissistic family.

The individual who survived under the ordeals of childhood with a narcissistic parent often repeats this self destructive pattern by marrying a narcissistic personality. What was left unknown and buried inside of us as children is often repeated as adults. Being married to a narcissist is a daily waking nightmare. You try to change this person and hope that his/her outrageous demands, demeaning criticisms and humiliations will come to an end but they don’t and will not. You are wearing yourself out trying to be perfect in response to this individual’s deep pathology. You are sacrificing yourself and your life to the narcissistic spouse. You ask yourself? Is it worth it? What is happening to my life, my state of mind, my emotional and physical health, my creative potential, my sense of security? The answer is that you have become the human object upon which all of the vituperative unconscious thoughts, feelings and impulses of the narcissistic spouse are constantly being projected on to you. This is unhealthy for you in every way. Some spouses awaken to this crisis they are in and take action by severing their relationship with this person who has taken over their lives, thoughts, emotions, feelings of hope, dreams, etc.

If you decide that you must end your suffering by breaking this “relationship” you will change your life. This is not easy but it can be done. Your steadfastness and courage will lead the way. Your strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life will prevail. In the process of healing after the narcissist many individuals return to work out their trust issues. Some benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing paths such as gentle hatha yoga as well as forming relationships with those whom you know are understanding and supportive of your healing process. You will learn to trust people who are worthy of it. You will become skilled at recognizing the narcissistic personality and never choose him or her as a partner. You will work to become calmer inside, to appreciate the unique person you are and to use your many gifts.  You will become secure within yourself and appreciate who you were always meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Harming Yourself–Sever Pathological Cord to Narcissistic Spouse

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When you remain married to a narcissistic personality and you have spent years psychologically dancing on hot coals for him or her, you are injuring yourself. It is not only highly unpleasant–which is a gross understatement–it is chronic misery and even torture to continue to share your life with this highly dysfunctional person who will not change. Don’t let him convince you in a moment of vulnerability that the life that you share with him/her is ever going to be any different. As the years roll by, it gets tougher because you are  becoming more exhausted from the cycle of abuse, distress to your psyche, a body and mind continually in fight or flight mode. Some spouses expect to be treated this way because they never had a different life experience starting in childhood. Being treated with disdain, cruelty and deception was part of everyday reality in their family. Life at home was unpredictable, could not be counted on to be steady and warm, was filled with wrenching criticisms and created deep personal feelings of psychological unsteadiness and free floating anxiety.

After leaving the family home and being relieved that the physical tie had loosened it didn’t take long for many of us to find ourselves hopelessly attracted to an individual who at first was so mesmerizing that we were reeling with excitement and runaway desire. If there is a strong sexual chemistry, the pull can be insurmountable. This is especially the case if the man or woman who will become the victim of a narcissist once again has not been able to work through narcissistic family issues and to recognize that they were abused throughout childhood and the years growing up.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us if we remain unconscious of the forces that lie below the surface of our life experience. We all have a tendency to repeat what is familiar even if it is disastrous to us. Marrying and re-marrying narcissistic spouses is a common thread that runs through the lives of many people.

For many, a series of moments accrue into an awakening—”What the hell am I doing to myself/” This man/woman doesn’t give a damn about me.” “He lives only for himself, lies continuously, exploits me, psychologically weakens me, baits me so that I can’t think straight, makes innumerable broken promises that I have believed in the past.” Finally this person awakens and realizes that the nightmare ride with the narcissist will have to stop—Now! No more of this hellish existence you say to yourself. Many victims of narcissists realize that they must stop harming themselves by severing the relationship with this person who is sucking the life out of them every moment they continue their involvement.

They gather their courage, make a firm commitment and specific plans to leave, make arrangements for a divorce, find an attorney who is up for the battle and be prepared to make the life changing transition from victim to victory of the self. This is not easy work but your emotional, psychological freedom and your physical health are worth all the effort. You will persevere and prevail. Reach out to people whom you trust and are with you for the full race and victory at the finish line and the beginning of your new life. You now know that you are entitled to the full use all of your gifts, to have access to your own thoughts and feelings without intrusion and to learn for the first time how to let down, to be at ease within your own being–body, mind and spirit.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Busy Shattering Your Self Confidence-Demeaning You-Leading a Double Life

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Narcissists are exceedingly ruthless human beings. They move through life racing  toward their goals:complete control over others, the assertion of their perfection, psychologically destroying all of those including spouses, children, siblings who get in their way, creating narcissistic tintypes of their children, having multiple series of affairs, secretively putting joint monetary assets in their names and creating financial entities that protect their illegal deeds. When they are behind closed doors and no one from the outside can hear them, they dress you down like a naughty child. You are humiliated and demeaned constantly. Whatever you do for them is never enough and you are always accused of making mistakes even if you performance is perfect. God help you if you are a business partner with your narcissistic spouse. This is nightmarish since the narcissist spend his days lambasting you for everything that goes wrong–even the tiniest mistake. Often these errors are his fault. He adroitly shifts the blame on to you, screams ugly epithets in your face. Your reaction inside is intolerable psychological and emotional pain. In front of your eyes you are experiencing a monster, a man or woman who has morphed into the consummate charmer in public to an absolute fiend in private. Eventually the narcissistic spouse wears down your confidence in yourself. You feel emotionally depleted, deflated, spent. That is the deleterious effect of these toxic spouses. They don’t give a damn; they don’t have a conscience. If you don’t perform for them exactly as they wish, they will eventually dispose of you. They already have someone in mind with whom they will replace you (probably several).

Never underestimate the cold maliciousness of the narcissistic personality. Within him or her are the remnants of gruesome characters of the great atavistic themed novel “Lord of the Flies”.  This Darwinian tale is an archetype of the most primitive core of mankind. Within the narcissist we feel and experience this “lets rip everyone to shreds” attitude. Much of our current society today shares these “values.” They may do it quietly with elegant manners but the effect is the same. They have gutted out your life and left you with nothing.

Learn as much as you can about the venal nature of the narcissistic personality. Once you have seen the horror and darkness of their core structure you will muster the courage to break away and escape from your imprisonment.  Remember who you were before you encountered the big N. If you have people around you that you can trust, form a support group even if it is one other person. The knowledge that you have about the true nature of the narcissistic personality is powerful. Now you know that you are not to blame, that you deserve respect not psychological battering and sadistic humiliations. Create a plan to gather all of your resources together to sever your toxic relationship with your narcissistic spouse.

You are not alone. There are countless others who have broken the bonds and are proceeding with their lives. Develop a strong sense of self entitlement. Learn to still your mind so that you think clearly and have access to one of the greatest gifts—your intuition. You are going to win back your peace, sense of control over your life, your confidence in your self, feelings of emotional security and the beautiful smile you have deep inside that is struggling to come to the surface.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Start Healing Now from Narcissistic Ex-Spouse

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Many of those who have suffered psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic spouse report that even after the divorce they still feel the deleterious effects of their mistreatment. It lingers with them. Some even wish for the “good days” when life with the narcissist was exciting. They remember the highs not the horrendous lows of those times. In some cases the recipient of narcissistic abuse has endured a chronic pattern of trauma and deprivation in childhood. This individual expects to be demeaned, criticized and humiliated. This is familiar, the norm. It is not unusual for a person who has been abused to move from one abuser to the next in an unending cycle. When you divorce a narcissist you have an opportunity to redefine yourself as a person who deserves to be treated with deep respect.  As you finish the formal process of divorce promise yourself that your healing has already begun. Going through a divorce from a narcissist is a great achievement in itself.

The growing self is always in a process of moving forward. You have suffered more than enough. You are entitled to feel differently about who you are and how you are treated.

You can begin by learning how to calm your body and mind. Taking yourself out of the day to day presence and toxic vibrations of the narcissist is an opening step. Learning how to quiet the mind with a form of meditation that works for you, performing simple yoga poses with emphasis on the breath, journaling your thoughts, feelings, inspirations, poems and insights allows you to let go and become uncensored to yourself. You have held yourself in check for so many years, turning yourself inside out to please the narcissist, you will be amazed at the power that you have to find a calmness and freedom that you have been waiting for.  Taking time regularly to immerse yourself in nature whether through gardening, hiking, watching and listening to the birds near you, sketching outside—is an enormous source of healing the body, mind, emotions and psyche.

Develop a solid healing relationship with yourself. For so long you have been overshadowed by the narcissist. He has stolen your light and eclipsed your creative ideas, your sense of optimism and hope, your life dreams. Vow that no one will ever do this to you again. You are the author of your own life. Seize your sense of self entitlement and deep inner peace. The time to re-start your life is now.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Have Short Affection Spans

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Narcissists love the ones’ they’re with. This can mean having several  romantic “relationships” at one time. Narcissists are restless beings–peripatetic–always off to the next thrill, excitement, big win, victory dance, grand party. They are thrill seekers in the human arena even if that means that they are dissembling your life.They are incapable of caring deeply; they cannot love. This is a central piece of them that is missing. A dark hole has invaded their heart and will remain there for the rest of their lives. Regardless of their professional accomplishments, the esteem in which others hold them, their financial thrust, they cannot be human. They are incapable of empathy of any kind. They are masters of pseudo empathy like fine method actors.

Once you identify the man or woman in your life as a narcissistic personality, know that this person is not going to change despite all of the over the top promises, intimidations, cajolings, gifts, guises and dramatic performances.

It is up to you to make a decision for your life. That’s what matters. You have the knowledge, strength and wisdom to unyoke yourself from the narcissist. You have many brothers and sisters in spirit who are waiting to hear and see your victory dance.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Don’t Let Narcissist Get His Selfish Way

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Narcissists are bullies that come in different styles. Some are socially sophisticated and make you feel torn inside out. Others are openly menacing and show their canine teeth. Concealed narcissists sabotage you with passive aggressive ploys, pretending they are humble and good.One way or another a narcissist will take advantage of you, even when he tells you he adores you and you are the most important person in his/her life.  Narcissists convince most people that they are telling the truth. Narcissists are chronic liars. The words rolling off of their tongues are designed to deceive you so they can get their way. They have no sense of limits, nor do they  have a conscience. Narcissists wear many masks and have multiple lives–many of them secret. Their moral compass is based on how much narcissistic supply they can get for themselves–image, money, power, social and business contacts, etc.

Narcissists go beyond the limit with people, causing tremendous emotional and psychological stress. This is particularly the case when it involves their spouses and children. Narcissists don’t care whether they hurt your feelings, demean you, humiliate you, make you feel sick or even put you in the hospital. With a narcissist you can never count on them to have empathy—ever. They effect a pseudo empathy which can be convincing. Once they get what they want they are back to their old ways of exploitation, duplicity and manipulation.

Many narcissists are like volcanoes–always in a state of endless blowing off rage. They are not like Old Faithful where you can time when the great steams will rise in the air. They are unpredictable which sets your nervous system on constant edge. Living with a narcissist you are always in the sympathetic nervous system —the fight or flight system of survival. Being the recipient of this kind of treatment puts you on constant edge, always waiting for the next vituperative eruption.

You can’t change the narcissist but you can change yourself. Recognize that you are a separate valuable human being. Develop practices that lead to calming your nervous system–gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for you, listening to music, going to tai chi classes, doing cardiovascular exercises that lower stress and get your endorphins working and that strengthen your immune system. Develop a support system of people whom you can trust. They don’t have to understand the narcissist in your life but if they are truly empathetic they will help as they listen and care deeply about you. Do what you love–photography, sketching, writing each day with freedom and lack of judgment, spending time in Nature, gardening, cooking–whatever appeals to you and introduces beauty into your life.

If you are married to a narcissist it is possible that you will make the decision to divorce this person. Often it is impossible to live with this kind of psychopathology. If the narcissist is a mother, it may be necessary to sever the relationship and go no contact. This is your decision. Remember, now is the time to finally think about your own needs. You have never done this in your life before. Take very good care of yourself. You are entitled.

Why Couples Therapy Doesn’t Work with Narcissists

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When marriage to a narcissist is going very badly, the suggestion is made that the husband and wife participate in couples therapy to save the relationship. Narcissists don’t take well to therapy. Remember, they believe they are perfect so if there are issues in the partnership, they are yours not his/hers. If the narcissist is pressured into therapy, he will sabotage it every time. The first few rounds may appear to be promising but wait for the saboteur to step on to stage center. The narcissist explains to the therapist that the reason the two of you have come is to get you “fixed.”  You are shocked but keep quiet. This man/woman has been driving you into a downward psychological spiral for years and you are paying a therapist because of the pathology your husband has found in you. This is a non starter however the wife takes the so-called pathology on her shoulders and feels that there is something intrinsically wrong with her. This is most unfortunate but does occur all the time.

In some cases the narcissist in couples therapy with all of his charm and magnetism wins over the therapist to his/her point of view. The spouse has become the identified patient who needs to work through her deep-seated childhood issues. The narcissist compliments the therapist just enough to keep her/him on board. You are left with the psychiatric diagnosis and the narcissist is set free to do whatever he damn wants.

Narcissists are false self grandiose personalities who can never face the truth about themselves. They live a delusional life of their own making. They are incapable of introspection, self-analysis or insight.

Come to the recognition that this person is not going to change–ever. This realization can be very painful. It is better to face the truth than to live you life in delusion with the narcissist who treats you like an objects that is expendable and can be discarded at any time.

Look squarely at yourself and who you really are–a unique, talented, warm, caring individual who is waiting to bloom fully. Be free, speak you own words, sing your own song, be spontaneous, embrace life and feel it resonate within you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com